I Walked With Her

by Lisa Barrington

  "Hope you don't mind I jumped in the guest shower myself. While I was in there I thought hot chocolate would be an even better idea. Much to my surprise you actually have some." Nick turns around. "Oh Christ Moe! White? Really? I can see everything! What are you trying to do to me?"

  "Oh fuck! I never put the light on! I thought it was the grey one! God I tried this time! Look, it is long and only my arms are showing! I will be right back!" I turn to go back and change.

  "Oh no! You are not going to change now! What is the point? I do appreciate you at least putting a thong on this time!"

  "I had a thong on earlier! I hate you."

  "Always and forever. Christ! I have not had blue balls this many times since I was about fourteen.”

  I see Nick adjust himself before he pulls two mugs from the cabinet. I smile to myself. I forgot what it was like to even have a man look at me, much less be aroused by me. It actually feels good. Maybe it is also because it is Nick and I feel safe. I know nothing can come from it. Yet, I still find I am smiling.

  "Can you at least make yourself useful? Fire is going but I didn't get out the blankets you mentioned. Don't you have a tray in this kitchen?”

  "Two cabinets to your left on the bottom."

  "I can feel you smiling. You are enjoying my discomfort."

  My smile widens as I walk outside. After grabbing the blankets and sticks, I move the two lounge chairs closer to the fire pit. I go and grab the table by the couch and carry it over. I go back for the ashtray and cigarettes, placing it all between the chairs. Before I sit, I wrap a blanket around my shoulders. I pull my knees up close to keep me warm. The cold here at night, is the kind one can still enjoy. Summer nights all year long. I listen to the ocean as the fire cracks almost in unison with the waves.

  It is then Nick walks out. "Whip cream would have been nice. Chances of that being in your fridge were slim to none. Hopefully this will do."

  After resting the mugs on the table, Nick sits and places three marshmallows on the tip of each stick. He hands one to me and places the other across his lap. He opens up the box of graham crackers and pulls the sheets out. Then opens up the king size Hershey bar doing the same.

  "Do you mind if I stick with only the marshmallows?"

  "After all I went through? You don't know what you are missing." Nick holds the stick over the fire.

  I move forward and do the same. Okay I am ready. Time for the loaded gun to shoot through me. "Tell me about Ben."

  "What?" Nick is suddenly frozen.

  Chapter Seventy-One

  Nick stares into the fire. I twirl my stick so my marshmallows don't burn. I am desperately trying to appear collected. My heart is actually about to jump out of my chest. My adrenaline is shooting off the charts. I have to say something more.

  "I know you know. You gave yourself away earlier. Nick if you kept such close tabs on me, there is no question you had to know what he was, is doing also. Considering your own controlling nature, I am assuming you either wanted him close to dead for leaving me or sought to drown your unnecessary guilt over the book. Either way, you know. In fact, I would be surprised if you didn't know every single move he’s made in the past six months. If you know, I am entitled to also."

  "Moe." Nick burns his fingers trying to put out the fire that passed his marshmallows and settles on the stick. "Forgot to wet the sticks, huh Moe? Super. There goes the fucken hot chocolate and S‘mores." He places the stick down, picks up the cigarettes.

  I knew it! I knew he knew! My chest is feeling heavier by the second. His reaction is not good. This is not going to be good. Oh god what have I gotten myself into? Obviously, this is something he does not want me to know. I shove a marshmallow in my mouth. It is hot and burns. I do not care. How do I get to my Xanax and back before he begins?

  Nick lets the cigarette hang off his lip as rubs his legs back and forth. He turns to face me, even though he does not raise his head to reach my eyes. He takes one long drag after another. Finally, he lifts his head.

  "Do you even know that our book is number three on the New York Times Best Seller list?"

  "Actually I am aware."

  "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

  "It is your book Nick. Not ours. It makes me proud of you. That is how I feel about it."

  "I was asked to do a book tour. I declined. I was also approached by several non-profit organizations. Everyone is curious if Bertha is real or intense research. It is touching people's lives Moe. Started people talking about mental health awareness. Opened up dialogue. People are seeking truth rather than judgment. Something you acknowledged the disappointment only a very short time ago. I know you don’t want to hear this part but, it is seeking further education regarding date rape Max."

  "Glad it’s making a difference Nick. However, you are never ever to speak to me again after this moment regarding your perception of that night in my life. Let me set this all straight for you and I will do this only once. You did not live what happened. I did. You made it clear in LA, exactly how you felt that night in my life. I took a lot of it to heart. I even began focusing on it specifically in therapy again. I lost my life again because I did not even realize the consequences of withholding the truth of it. Protecting someone from the truth of something does not obviously save us from it. So now in our present, do not ever in use that label of it again. I choose not to and it is my choice. My life Nick. Remember that. You don’t get a say in my existence.

  People can say what they want and judge me if they will because I do not want to associate with those two words. This is my life and my choices. Ben and I have both paid a price for what happened. Both Ben and I have. There is no longer a get out of jail free card. Ben has to live with this all now too.

  My life has been different from the start than others. I also believe in the “why’s” as to how things actually happen. No it doesn’t make it right what happened because I know Ben was drinking and I now understand he had black outs. That does not make it okay. It makes it survivable. I am not taking all the blame any longer. I told Ben everything. I told him everything he did and what he said. If I did not feel it was wrong, I would have never told him. Book or no book. It had to come out one day. I needed to deal with this all. I would have always faltered in the end. We didn’t have a foundation that Ben thought we did. I would have always been living a lie.

  If I lived with some ideal that what happened that night was not wrong, I would have never needed to change everything about myself. I am well aware I said no. I also am well aware my no was not received. I also am FULLY, fully aware of what came to be after that night. I am going to therapy for what I truly never dealt with. Truth I don’t need any more labels in my life. I need understanding. I already forgave. Now I am understanding myself and what happened more. Now I am forgiving myself. I have now accepted Ben’s part. He was the catalyst in the life I have lead. The irony lay that I made him my life. The truth is I have always forgiven him. I have always loved him despite what occurred. You don’t need to understand me Nick. You need to respect me.

  This is my line in the sand Nick. Never again Nick. I deal with my view how I need to. It is the past. Our reality, if we are to continue this present rewarding friendship, you will put this all in the past and keep it there. We have all paid very steep prices. Do not go further Nick. I have never been more serious about anything, ever."

  I need a drink. The thought of Patron if I had it, would not even feel like a poor choice right now. Sangria will have to do. I need some now.

  "Max I know. I hear you and I yes don’t necessarily understand how you can choose to view what happened that night with by any other words. It is the truth of the act. It happened Max. Fine. Call it, view it as you need. As your friend, I am sharing with you how another person reads it. Your reality is unfortunately many others. I understand this is how you cope. I also understand the magnitude of your heart and the depth of its forgiveness. They are words on paper. No one truly knows ‘Bertha’.
They see her experience. Period. You are not truly she. I understand that so much better now. What I also do understand is how sincerely you love Ben and have since the day you met him. I am no psychologist. I believe in your forgiveness. I would have handled the situation much different, but as you said it didn’t happen to me. I am not here to judge you or your feelings, nor the circumstances that followed.

  His sobriety and you being there for it all. I believe it changed many things for you. The fact you conceived a baby that night and then miscarried, which still I wonder how much you played in the car accident happening now. All of it. It changed your perspective and ability to cope. It completely changed how you saw the world, especially men.

  The feed I am receiving is so different than your view. These women embrace the term. That is their survival. That they are survivors. However, every woman and their ability of how they cope and their capacities are different. Everyone’s strength is worthy and significant. Their feelings matter. Most important is the conversation of understanding. Women are not in only the basement in support groups. Women are relating in a different way. Date rape can be even more misunderstood than other sexual assaults. Women were never coming forward with what happened to them. I have spoken to some many groups and counselors, who are asking their patients to read this book. There was consequence to that night. They read Bertha as having solely consumed all of the accountability and consequence. So many women do this. Now it is an example. Now it opens dialogue of how to handle and put shame aside.

  It has also been detailed to me how women are understanding the struggle, almost heartache having personally known the individual who committed such an act, same as you did. I understand you telling me you forgave him the second after it happened. I understand you, but not everything else. You are right. I do not need to. I do see your needs and perspective. More importantly, I see your perception of the situation. Your definition of perception is so accurate in one’s world. I am not seeking to disrespect you.

  Bottom line Moe, I love you and I want the best for you. I am not beating him down. As you said, we are all sinners. Max, I am not judging him for that night nor do I even dislike him any longer for it. Well that is not entirely true. He left, I hate him for that. Regardless, each of us has different sins. Great sins. How we repent after is the key. The way you love him, is what matters now. That is not in the book. I am simply telling you how the book has opened communication. It is really helping people. It is because of you. It is because of many parts of the life you have lived. Survived, mentally and physically. Same as being bipolar it does not define you. It is only part of you."

  "Nick! Enough! Look, I cannot make this any clearer. One more word on the topic I will drive you back to LA. No way am I ever being related to that book again. I am proud and happy for you. It ends there. So does this conversation." I get up to try and go to the kitchen. I need to breathe. Nick gently grabs my arm and stops me.

  He looks up at me. “Tell me what you are working on Moe? What story are you telling?"

  I look away from Nick as I first take a long drag of my new cigarette. My heart is racing. I sit back down. I am feeling torn. God Nick and I have so much history, part of me wishes he cared less right now.

  "A story about love. It’s truth. Reality. My silly imagination at moments of what I hoped life could be. The story of a foolish woman who when she thought she would never understand love, was taught all it truly meant. Sacrifice. Selflessness. Unconditional. Believing in what you cannot see."

  "How will it end? Does she ride off into the sunset with her prince?"

  I look back at him. I am annoyed now. "What do you think? No. Life is about lessons. I do not feel her prince will be there in the end. I am a realist."

  "Realist? Really? Why then have you never seen what is right in front of you? Especially the unrealistic views of yourself?"

  "Because part of me will always be blind and unwilling."

  I drink the Sangria and light my third cigarette. I am grateful I grabbed the new pack as well as another glass earlier. Nick lights another himself.

  I lay back on the lounge chair and cross my legs. I let my arm hang off the side as the cigarette burns inside the same as I. I do all to swallow my annoyance. Bring me back to where we were before this conversation began. I need to know what I asked, not what Nick chose to share. I am selfish.

  "So once again, we have discussed your choice of conversation. I am okay with it all. I suppose we needed to clear the air about a lot of things. You needed a peace of mind earlier and we both need to set straight where the past and the book lay. We have now discussed the completely unfathomable reason you wished to see me. You wanted me to be a part of all, you knew already I would not be. I do give you credit for trying. I apologize to disappoint you. I am greatly enjoying your company. So very much. I really hope we move past this conversation. I have no ill feelings. It is promising, how it is touching others’ lives. Now can we please move on?" I touch Nick's arm.

  He nods as he stands, letting my hand drop back down beside me. He walks to the railing overlooking the dunes.

  "Ben? God Moe! You are killing me. You realize that I can’t win with you. You just slammed me over the book and now this? Are you certain you want to know? We will not be able to undo what is spoken. Moe, you need to be certain. Please I do not know what will hurt you anymore. I am certain I do not wish to be the one."

  I am up quickly and walk over to Nick. I take his hand, clasping our fingers together as I did on the beach. I turn him toward me. "Look at me Nick.” He lifts his head and looks back at me. “Quite honestly, I am not completely certain I want to know. I am certain, I need to know."

  Nick turns his head back toward the darkness of the ocean. "You are setting me up to hate myself again. I cannot deny you. God the way you just looked at me.” Nick slams his hand against the railing as I am trying to keep all my strength.

  “Alright Moe, but you have to know this is not why I am here.”

  I look ahead with him now. “I know. But you did do it Nick. If you know as much about him as much as you know about me, I deserve to know also.”

  We both continue to look ahead. I am grateful. He will not see my pain and I will not see his.

  “Okay Moe. I am just going to run things down like a list. I don’t know any other way. Fuck. Dammit Moe.” I stand still as Nick goes back and gets another cigarette, lighting it as he walks and stands beside me again. I say nothing. He takes a long drag and I suck in the ocean air as he does. I blow it out slow. I can handle whatever he has to say. Nick takes another drag and finally starts.

  “Two days after he left the hotel, he moved into a sober living house for a month. Stayed the entire time.”

  “Wait, what?” I am shaking my head. I hope it falls off. He hasn’t even finished one thought and I need another Xanax. I look at Nick, though he is not turning to me. “You knew earlier that we had stayed at the Malibu Beach Inn? You knew Ben and I went away? I never told you that when I messaged you. I didn’t tell mention anything about any hotel until just before at dinner. You couldn’t have known he went anywhere only two or whatever days later because YOU weren’t told until a week after that he left me. Where you following us? Me? Oh my God you were having me followed weren’t you?”

  “Moe, please can we not do this?”

  “You made a promise in that hotel room in LA. I didn’t write you for over a week after he left me on the beach that night. A week Nick. I only text you two sentences. And nowhere in what I wrote did I mention anything that he left me in Malibu. I never told you we had gone away even. For all you should have known it happened in San Francisco. Come on Nick.”

  Nick is walking back and forth running his hands over his head. Over and over. “Fine. You left LA and, awe Christ Moe! I already had someone watching over you. Listen to my words! Watching over you. I wasn’t spying on your every move. Don’t get this twisted. Don’t go all CIS on me. I don’t have pictures of you both. I don’t know
, I just, I just had someone keep track of where you were. It is not what you are thinking. You left and I didn’t have any idea what was about to happen. I caused all of this Moe. I set this in motion exactly as you said earlier. Whether or not it had to come out or not. Whether you forgive me or not. I am the one. I do what I have to do. What do you want from me Moe?”

  My voice is lower. “I don’t know Nick. Jesus I want to be so mad at you right now, but I can’t even. I don’t know I am mad at myself for not even being furious with you. You are so damn controlling though, yet there is this comfort that not all of you changed. You have been walking around here most of the day this person I am getting to know rather than who I have always known. Maybe I have really, I mean really lost my mind with everything. Somehow knowing right now you are still relentless and unbearable with me also is not making me want to kill you.”

  Nick just stands there looking at me. I don’t have anything left. How do I hate someone who goes to such lengths because they care? “He really went into sober living? Where was he for two days? He never came back to me after we sat on the beach. Those two days, where was he?”

  “He went to the Malibu Cottage Inn.”

  My eyes widen. “The one you were sending Ray to stay at tonight?”

  Nick turns around quick. “Ah Fuck me. Yes!” He walks straight away and goes into the kitchen. I see him pour himself wine. He walks immediately back out. The glass is literally about to overflow. He drinks half of it before setting it down on the table and coming back beside me.