“I hate you.”
“I adore how much you do. I have never enjoyed myself more. I’ve never had this much fun with a lover challenge my desire for control with the same determination. It is once again your call Moe. Do I untie you because you feel I am full of shit, yet again? We both know I proved you wrong within the ever so brief ten minutes I needed to taste you first. Whatever you want to reply, you cannot. Your body spoke for you. Now. Ms. Manale I would like to finish what I began. My ice is melting, with all this battle of wills. What would you like?”
“I want you to fuck me.”
“Well that is not the option on the table. Not yet at least.”
“You realize when I asked you outside, I wanted to fuck.”
“You still insist on talking. Yes, I am well aware. I am also aware, that it was you who asked we take this slow. I am also so very well aware how well our personalities suit us. You could have fucked me right away. I wanted it so badly. You chose not to. We both know this night, is one night. We both know we want this too last, neither of knows when we will truly be with anyone again. We both truly do have voids to fill. Our own reasons for this here and now. Now choose.”
I close my eyes. He is so right. Ten points Nick. I move my legs open underneath him.
“God you are so sexy when defeated?”
Even with my eyes closed I can see how he was smiling when he just said that. He needs to stop amusing himself. “I thought you no longer wanted to talk.”
“True.” Nick moves his body, never putting his full weight on me. His body alone arouses me again. Truth, I have never been with a man so defined. His strength, and control over it is apparent in every move he makes. So careful in being assertive at the same time gentle. Nick sucks on my neck. Thank God, he does not find Oz. Neverland Nick. We fly to Neverland tonight.
Nick createshis own path, as he travels over me alternating kissing and sucking. I am wet immediately. I move my legs back together try as I raise my knees up slightly. I rub my legs together to ease the yearning so strong. His weight does not allow this, nor does his hand quickly on my thigh. He says nothing. He acknowledges nothing, except the wetness he is leaving on my breasts. My bare wet skin for the breeze to further torture. He has not touched the ice. This is all him. He is slow and agonizing. Keeping my hands above me is pure torture as he spoke.
His hands hold my hips as he continues covering me. He is taking my body to become his tonight. Moans escape without warning. I no longer care. Nick moves my hips turning me over, quick to raise me on my elbows. All I can do is keep my eyes closed. He has my legs still parted. He is kneeling between them. He runs his fingers up my spine, squeezing both my shoulders. Again he lies barely enough on me to not press his full weight down. As he kisses my neck, he runs his hands over my arms. I feel him hard against me. I move back to touch him more. He is quickly up as I do. He stops his touch over me as he does. He waits again, for what feels like forever. My breath is shallow. Then, he begins again, moving his hands over and over my ass, until he is now stroking the inside of my thighs.
I am out of breath. I move my body begging for more. “Nick please. Please.”
Still he says nothing. I hear the glass, the ice chiming against its sides. I open my eyes, turning my head to look back. Nick is between me; I can see nothing. It is then I feel he touches where I most desire. He is in me with his finger. I feel myself build, with my back sunken he touches where I deeply yearn. He does not circle or press. He continues to tease.
I cry out. “Please.”
Nick is out of me. Hands on my hips, he flips me my back. I am caught off guard there is not a moment to close my eyes again. I see him. I see it all. His hand is in the glass. Ice between his fingers. He puts it between his lips and sucks on the ice for a moment looking straight at me. I am breathing so fast. He takes the dripping ice from his lips into his fingers. Looking at me still, he moves his hand between me. He pushes the ice deep in me. I gasp. God the sensation. Wet, cold against the heat of my body. My head falls back as I feel another piece pushed in me, then another. They are high deep in me. Nick pulls my hips hard down against him. He starts the glorious torture he erupted on me, what now feels like a lifetime ago. His finger within me is pushing the very quickly melting ice. Nick’s mouth sucks and circles so hard against me. I am done. I cannot hold on. He has all the control. He really did it, he controlled my orgasm.
He has all of me. My chest is heavy and my pulse more rapid that I have felt in months. He looks at me with a hunger and thirst. My body is shaking. He is holding my hips me tighter as he seeks finish me. I welcome this. It is not a moment more. I scream. I feel myself contract so tight every ounce of me has tensed up. I am coming, so hard so very long overdue. Warmth, numbness overcomes me. I am loud and I am not feeling an ounce of defeat. I am so fulfilled. He doesn’t stop as I climax. It lasts so long, or only a moment. I am not even sure. I do know he feels it. I think I need it to end. This is more intense than even I thought, yes he could brilliantly do.
He moves his tongue, his lips away. Nick sits up. He has not let his finger stop the torment within me. He turns his hand so his thumb presses on my sore clitoris. He is not letting this end. Oh my God. I can’t. Oh God I am so going to. I close my eyes. I know what he is going to do next. I am reminded, though I am still thrilled. Inside his single finger, finds the shallowest spot so quickly. No effort. The most sensitive spot of all. He rubs it back and forth, strokes the wall as he guides my swollen clitoris. He presses his left hand down on my pelvis. It is over for me again. I cannot control the pleasure that had slightly lessened but that did not end. It is once again so strong, almost intimidating in the magnitude of the how deeply light headed I feel. My back arches as I scream more.
I can feel his smile. His complete satisfaction through the darkness. As my body finally calms, Nick lets me go completely. I turn on my side shaking. Now I want to hide. So wonderfully exposed. Though almost scared he is not done.
I speak, fearing he may be thinking three is a magic number. One was the magic number when it has been as long as it has more. Two was stupendous! "I was wrong. You are right. I take it all back. You have ruined all future oral sex for me also. My God Nick! Next book, could you kindly write a "how to" for men on this subject? Diagrams and all please? Yes, you know a woman’s body. Honestly, you are better at that this than a woman is. Hell, I thought they were the only ones who knew how to do that well."
Nick lies beside me, reaching over my arm to untie my hands. My breathing has not slowed down. He kisses my shoulder as his hand finds my breast again. Oh God the kneading, the pulling and ever so soft pinching. So much for the possibility of no feeling in my breasts. We answered that question, now didn’t we? Nick does not stop touching my breast. My head is back against him. My legs still squirming from the intensity of moments before.
Nick turns me to face him. My eyes only capable of opening half way I look at him. He strokes the sides of my face. He keeps doing this. It feels sweet. The movement of pushing my hair away from my face or behind my ear. I never knew how tender not gentle he could be.
His eyes smile as he looks intensely in mine. He is not looking at me with a sense of success, as he should be feeling. I see the love he honestly has for me. Nick does love me still. I have no idea what to feel or do. This means so much to me, but it means two different things for us.
His lips now smile. He can read my mind. His smile says it all. This is all right with him. It makes me sad in a way. I don’t see more looking in his eyes. I bite down on my lip hard.
Nick flinches. "You need to stop biting down on your lip like that. Its fifty shades shit and it is driving me crazy. The crazier you make me the more I will not let you go. Tell me why you got that tattoo."
"Because it is the truth. It is life. The only one I know.”
"You believe, ‘love is fleeting’?"
"Yes. I do. With every ounce of me."
"Sex is fleeting but love, love is everlasting.
You can try to tell yourself different even tattoo it on your skin so close to the place that makes you feel alive and dead at times. How could you be so foolish? You can have these butterflies surround it. Ones flying away from it as you do. My lost and lonely, you are so terribly wrong. Love is everlasting. Believe me Max, I know."
A tear falls from my eye. He wipes it as he moves my legs open with knee. “Now. Now is when you need to understand. Maybe you will find some hope or faith, or strength, dream, or believe again. If you really let us right now, if you let go with me I promise you, you experience a different view. I am not embarrassed or prideful. Moe it is you I feel such truth. You never have to feel it back. I only want you to understand. Never have you solely been my best friend.”
More tears fall as I nod yes. He is inside me with one motion. We are missionary. He needs this. I need this. I am speechless. I close my eyes. I cannot look. He kisses my eyelids as he moves softly back and forth. He rising and falling now. I move with him. He slows us both down. Nick is making love to me.
He is gentle as he asks no more of me but kisses my lips, my neck gently. He pulls almost completely out and then pushes gently back in. He does this dance repeatedly. He holds my face the entire time. I take his face in my hands also and kiss his lips. I move our kiss from soft and deep, same as he first kissed me outside. My body still so sensitive within, I quickly contract tight around him. My walls feel electric. Waves rush through me. I feel Nick almost hesitate at the very height of this all.
He whispers in my ear as I feel his breath short also. "Don’t worry I will pull out.”
I wrap my arms tight around him and I find myself saying, “No. Please don’t.”
At that very moment, Nick pushes deeper as he comes hard. He releases himself and I am aware of all his emotions. Leaving it all with my bare walls. I am flooded. The pleasure deep from my core ravishes over me. I cannot scream. I cannot speak. I find I am biting down on Nick's neck. This is new, so bare within me. Its newness scares me as much as it pleasures me. It is done. It will never again only be Ben.
I let go of his neck. My head falls back on the pillow. My eyes never open. Nick’s face, he buries in the pillow. We are both dripping with sweat. I am stuck to the sheets. There is not one spot on me not drenched. We are both silent. Silent in such opposite thought.
He lifts himself enough to move off me. I turn my head to look at him. It is then I see part of my poem again on his bicep as he does this. It is not because they are my words, anyone could have written them. All I know is how deeply they are true. Three words. So many combinations there can truly be. Mine three words at this moment. There is hope.
Chapter Seventy-Nine
"Get that tattoo covered up. Love is not fleeting. I love you. I am not asking for the same in return. However, never settle for less than any man making love to you. Never.”
I kiss his forehead. I give a man a forehead kiss. Damn forehead kisses. He smiles at me, brushing my soaked hair away from my face. Damn and he is being so very tender again.
"You don’t have to say it back. I know you. You never need to love me as I do you. I simply need you to know.”
“Nicholas…”
Nick doesn’t let me respond further. He knows. We both know. He kisses me before I can say another word. In a whisper so soft. "Tonight is enough. These moments are worth a lifetime of wanting and it will endure a lifetime ahead of wanting more."
His words strike my heart. They pierce my very existence. A happiness and sadness at the same time. Do not cry Max. He will be so upset if you cry. Do not cry. I lose again. Tears run down my face.
What if this is the love people talk about also? Twenty-one years later. We are still here. We love one another, even if in different ways. We are best friends. We now know everything about each other. We are passionate and compassionate. Could this be something? I no longer dream of a fairy tale. Truth I am frightened to be alone. I want to feel someone look at me the way Nick is. I want to look at another with longing, as I have tonight myself. Even if it is only returning to my fucked up twisted ways I no longer want to be alone. I do not need all of someone ever again. I do need some of something the way I once lived.
"Oh Moe, I can almost see your brain working. No tears. We are who we are. It's alright. Sometimes we miss our chance in life for a different one. There are reasons we don't always understand why. I am still here. I am not leaving you."
"But."
"But nothing. Come here. Close your eyes and dream. Dream of all you talked about earlier. All you can't wait to begin doing again. I will be right here holding you when you wake up."
I am crying now. My body more than anything. All of this, I feel overwhelmed. Nick holds me tight. He spoons me placing kisses on my neck. "I don't deserve this Nick."
"Are you kidding me? There is no one who deserves to be loved more than you."
"I do love you Nick."
"I know. I have never doubted you do. Come on close your eyes and listen to that ocean. It is perfect ending to this all." Nick strokes the side of my arm. Every part of me is exhausted. "Wait. You take your meds at night. Where are they? I will get them." Nick is wiping all my tears away.
"They are right here. I can do it." I lean away from him for a moment as I pull out the bottles from my nightstand. I throw the pills in the back of my throat flushing them with the water bottle always kept beside my bed. I quickly pinch out my contacts and drop them on my nightstand. I immediately move back against Nick.
What if the love I do feel is enough? Can people spend a lifetime sharing and loving one another differently, yet love being the essence?
"Now we can go to sleep. God, what did you think this was some movie? I make love to you and we fall asleep embraced in one another's arms as the sounds of the ocean breeze flow through the open doors. We have some serious crazy we need to attend too! You good now? No Xanax on this side or anything?"
My tears turn to laughter. I turn over and punch him straight in the gut.
"Hurt you more didn't it?"
"I hate you."
"Always and forever. Now move over here. That spot is pure dirty lustful wet sex. We cannot sleep in that spot!"
I laugh aloud. Nick lays on his back. I place my head on his chest. "Goodnight Nicholas."
"Happy Birthday Moe." Nick kisses my forehead and puts his arm around me resting it on my hip.
I close my eyes. Nick strokes my side. No matter the level of crazy in this room, after he made love as he did, holding one another as we are, the sound of the ocean, it is a bit like really great movie ending. "Sweet dreams Nicholas."
I feel his chest moving gently up and down. He doesn’t hear me. He is already asleep. 2:42 a.m. I listen to the ocean as I wait for sleep to come.
Cue my soundtrack. Annie Lennox, “The Gift”. The insightful, honest moments that must be faced, no matter how long we may try to turn our cheek.
Chapter Eighty
The smell of coffee and the salt in the air wakes me. I open my eyes. Nick is still asleep beside me. How do I smell coffee? This is true coffee, freshly grounded beans. I sit up and listen. Oh My God! I hear movement inside. Who is in my house? "Nick wake up!"
"What? What is it? What's the matter?"
"Nick someone is in my house. Holy Shit! You locked the doors last night. Why do I smell coffee? Have been alone too long? Am I hallucinating? Hell, are you real?"
"Oh God is that why you woke me?" Nick pulls the covers back up.
"Hello! Someone is in my kitchen! Oh, God do I smell baking? What the hell is going on Nick?"
Nick turns back over with a huge grin on his face, though with a small glimpse of fear. "Surprise? Original surprise part one. The part where I thought I would be in the living room sleeping. The part where I may have left your key under the front mat when I got the ice last night. I hired personal chefs to come here and cook all your favorites. I know breakfast is your favorite meal. Yay... Happy Birthday? And yes, I am real. And you are not go
ing to be alone anymore."
I spread the look of the grim reaper across my face. "Are you kidding me? You left my house key under the mat at my front door and there are strangers making breakfast in MY kitchen right now?"
"Aaahh yes? Remember last night. Last night was really nice wasn't it? What about me just saying you won’t be alone anymore?"
I smile. “Oh my God I am so much better at this than you! Second time I got you! You suck!"
"Actually-"
"Yes, actually you do. Do not get concerned because I am totally a morning sex person. Get up and go see how much time we have before he is done!"
"Seriously? I thought it was only last night."
"You thought wrong. Now go! It is my birthday!"
Nick jumps out of bed and goes darting for the door. I am sitting up laughing. I lean over. I open my drawer and take my morning cocktail.
"Nick!"
"What? Christ woman! You told me to go see him or her. I am not sure. Paige set it all up."
"Pants or something?"
"Fffuuuccckkk. Pants." Nick grabs his sweats quickly stepping into them. "Do you think you could change those sheets while I go? Serious sex all over them. I have a little OCD. Fresh sheets might be nice."
I throw the water bottle as he leaves the room. I miss him, but catch the wall.
"Nice try. Horrible aim, but nice try."
I listen closely for Nick down the hall.
"Hey, morning. Oh wow, almost afternoon. Didn't realize. Sorry have you been here long?”
"No, Mr. Gallo, we were told to be here no earlier than 11:00. We are just finishing our prep and then we will start cooking. I am Rick, and this is James.”
"Rick, James good to meet you both. Please call me Nick. Did you find everything you need? Lord knows she has nothing here."
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