“Even though I’ve been praying so hard for your daddy to recover, I can’t seem to stop worrying about him. Your daddy may be stubborn at times, but he’s a wonderful man, and I was so fortunate God put the sparkle for me in his eyes. I just don’t know what I would do ...” She turned away from Stephanie and tried to hide the tears that streamed down her face. Gaining her daughter’s sympathy was the last thing she wanted to do. They needed to pull together as a team and be strong for each other and crying wasn’t going to help. She didn’t know what either of them would do if something happened to her husband, but she knew she had to leave it in God’s hands. Her immediate concern was for Stephanie’s emotional health.
Stephanie had been very close to her father since the first day she had come home from the hospital as an infant. His deep voice would often sooth her to sleep as an infant and laugh with her when she beat him at any childhood game they played. He might have let Stephanie win a couple of times, but for him, it was worth the memory of seeing her face light up with excitement. She had always been Daddy’s little girl and still was to this day.
“It’ll be alright, Mom. Everything will come out fine. Daddy’s always been the strong one, and I know he’ll pull through. Just trust in God’s promises. That’s what you’ve always told me growing up. Knowing how stubborn Daddy is, I doubt he’ll be going anywhere soon.” She smiled at her mother and offered a tissue. Her mother wiped the moisture from her face and took a deep breath as she gazed at her daughter.
“You’re right. Now look at who’s wiser and smarter than me? Where did my little baby girl disappear to? It seemed like just yesterday you were a toddler and now, here you are, a beautiful woman. I’m so proud of you, honey and yes, we do need to have faith that everything will be OK. We need to accept and believe God’s promise that your father is going to be fine, and he’ll be out of here demanding his lumberjack breakfast very soon.”
They both laughed and then sat silently for a few minutes, focusing their attention on other things. She was deep in thought as she remembered her last visit to a hospital. The traumatic experience made her cringe every time she was near one, and she hoped her father’s emergency would have a happier ending. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of brisk footsteps echoing down the hallway, and she turned to see a doctor standing near the door. Her heart stopped for a second as a familiar chill traveled down her back. But this time, the doctor addressed her mother. The air escaped from her lungs as she reached out to grasp her mother’s hand in her own as they stood in unison.
“Mrs. Knight?” The man walked towards them in a white coat. Her heart sped up with fear as she remembered the last time someone who looked like him had approached her saying that name. Her eyes filled with tears as she prepared for the worst and squeezed her mother’s hand. Rising, she clutched her mother to her to wait for the doctor’s next words.
“Yyyyyes.” She heard her mother’s whisper and couldn’t bring herself to look at her mother.
“I wanted to let you know your husband is doing fine. But he does have some serious conditions that I’d like to review briefly with you both right now if that’s okay.”
“Oh, OK.” Her mother’s sigh was slow in coming forth.
“Your husband has two blockages in the bottom of his heart. Normally we would give medicine to break up these blockages and send him home in a day or two after some observation.”
“But?” Her mother was back to her normal self and watched the doctor with eyes intent on knowing everything. Stephanie admired her mother more than ever in that moment, knowing that her insides were turning with fear, but she kept her face brave and took everything head on.
The doctor smiled as he looked at first her mother and then her. “But he did suffer a significant heart attack. The second problem is that one of his major arteries has over 96% blockage, which is probably why he had the attack in the first place. We have decided that the best course of action with your permission is a catheter.”
“Now what is that? How dangerous is it and what happens afterwards?”
He chuckled as he grabbed her hand to squeeze it reassuringly. “It’s a procedure where we will place a small tube into his groin and insert it up to where the blockage is. First we want to make sure it is a blockage and not something else. Second if it is a blockage, we can insert a stint right into the blockage. The stint is a small device that will open the blockage up. Now, he will have a blood thinner and medication he will need to take from now on. This will keep his blood from clotting again, and it will also help the blood vessels to form around the stint so that it becomes a part of him, as well.”
“You didn’t tell me how dangerous it is.”
The doctor gave her a smile, trying to reassure her. “It’s a minor procedure, but still surgery, so I have to tell you that there are some risks. However, like I said it’s minor and your husband is very healthy. That gives him a greater chance of recovering faster.”
She nodded as she looked at him and took a deep breath. “Can we see him before he goes in?”
“Yes ma’am you may. He’s stable and is able to talk as normal. We have removed the breathing tube now that his stats have come back to normal. He might be a little groggy from the pain medication we gave him earlier. I’ll lead you to him now if you like.” At her nod, he turned to begin walking to the large double doors. There was a keypad to the right and taking his time, he pushed in a series of numbers. The doors that opened up led them to the back of the hospital. Walking slowly, they finally turned down another hallway and continued down until they came to a room.
Her father had a private room that housed a single bed, small end table, and two metal chairs. Stephanie sat down in the chair closest to the bed and clasped her father’s warm hand between hers. Electronic beeps and chimes cut through the silence as the overhead monitors alerted the nurses to the condition of her father’s vitals. The caress of his leathery skin brought back childhood memories when her tiny hand clung to his as they walked together at the park on the weekends. It was their special time together once a week, something her father had always made time for, no matter how busy or tired he was. She could still recall a Saturday morning when she was eight and her father had been fast asleep in bed after staying up late the night before to meet a project deadline at work. She had cracked open the door to her parents’ room and tiptoed quietly next to his side of the bed. The sound of his thunderous snoring echoed throughout the room and sometimes even the bed would vibrate to the clamor. As long as she could remember, her father had always been a heavy snorer, and she often wondered how her mother could get a fitful night’s sleep with the sound of a diesel truck engine next to her. She softly shook her father’s shoulder.
Her mind slipped into the past.
“Daddy,” she whispered.
“Yeees . . .” Her father’s eyes remained closed.
“It’s time for our walk to the park.”
“Oh really, sweetie?” Her father heaved a heavy sigh as he mumbled his reply. “What time is it?”
“Nine o’clock.”
“Already? Sweetie, do you mind if we go later this afternoon? Daddy had to work till two in the morning, and he’s having a little trouble getting up now.” Her father rolled on his side away from her.
Refusing to accept her father’s reply, she pressed her lips into a frown and shook her father’s shoulder a little harder. “But Daddy, I’m all dressed. We always leave at nine for the park. The duckies are waiting for their breakfast.” She proudly held the bag of white bread in the air.
“How ’bout we leave at eleven?” Her father pleaded, his eyes still closed. “I’ll buy you a scoop of your favorite ice-cream afterwards.”
She shook her head. “No, Daddy, I want to go now. I’ve been waiting all week to see Mr. Waddles, and I know he’s going to be mad if I’m not there to feed him his breakfast. We need to leave now.” Her hands rested firmly on her hips.
“Two scoops?”
“No.” Stephanie pulled the comforter away from her father’s shoulder and folded her arms across her chest as she waited for him to get out of bed.
The air rushed past her father’s lips as he finally lumbered out of bed.
Those moments had been the most precious to her while growing up, and even though she was now an adult, they still continued that tradition whenever she came out to visit her parents.
But now the tables were turned. Her father had just narrowly escaped a life-threatening emergency and now lay pale faced and helpless in the hospital bed before her, a myriad of tubes and wires attached to his still body. Stephanie took a deep breath and tried to remain strong. Now it was her turn to be there for her father and provide the reassuring hope everything would turn out okay.
“Daddy, are you okay?” she whispered as she sat forward and leaned over his ear.
She watched as his eyelids fluttered briefly before slowly pulling open. With an effort, a grin creased the corners of his mouth, and she felt the affectionate squeeze of his hand around hers. “How’s my sweetie doing?” She could hear the strain in his voice.
“I’m holding up fine. You had us scared there for a moment.” She squeezed his hand tightly.
“You know they can’t get rid of this old Geezer that easily. God made me so I can take a licking and still keep on ticking.” He started to chuckle, but stopped as his eyes winced with pain.
“Daddy, you need to take it easy.”
“Wow that felt like someone took a knife to my chest.” He placed his hand across his ribcage.
“The doctor said that because your heart muscle is damaged, it’s normal to experience some discomfort immediately afterward. But he said it will diminish over time.”
“I sure hope so because you know how antsy I get lying in a hospital bed all day.”
“Howard, you need lots of rest. The doctor said it’s important for a full recovery.” There was a hint of tension in her mother’s voice.
“But Valerie, there’s so much to do around the house. It’s Christmas, and I need to get the lights up around the house.”
“Don’t worry Daddy, we’ll take care of it for you.”
“You will?” Her father squinted his eyes. “Without me? How?”
She placed her hand on her mother’s shoulder. “Mom’s promised she’s going to help me.”
“You promised?” His gaze bounced to his wife.
“Dear, we knew you were in no condition to put up the lights, so I volunteered to help.” Valerie gave her husband a smile. “I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Sweetie, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I feel bad you both have to do so much work. Maybe I can help out with the decorations inside the house.”
“We’ll take care of those too,” Stephanie said.
“Wow, this is a nice surprise.” His eyes widened with surprise. “It sounds like you two have been pretty busy since I’ve checked into the hospital. I guess there’s nothing left to do except for me to help you with the cooking. ”
“No, Howard.” Valerie’s head wagged sideways. “I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but you’re not going to do anything strenuous this holiday season. “For once in your life, can’t you just relax and stop being so busy all the time? For God’s sake you just had a heart attack. You act like they brought you in here for a fractured hip. Can’t you get it through your head how serious this is?” Valerie cupped a hand over her mouth as her façade of calm confidence began to crumble and she began to sob.
Howard’s jaw dropped as he stared at his wife of thirty-five years. “What’s gotten into you, sweetie? Why are you so mad at me?”
Valerie brushed a hand across her cheeks. “Don’t you get it? You’re not in your thirties anymore and you’re not invincible. We almost lost you back there, and I can’t afford to take another chance on losing you again. What would I do the rest of my life without you? Valerie turned her face away. “I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to get angry at you. I’m just so scared for you . . . for all of us.”
Howard reached out his hand toward Valerie. “Sweetie, come here.” He beckoned with his hand. Valerie stepped closer to his bed. “I love you more than anything else in this world, and life is going to have to come up with something better than just a heart attack to force me to leave.” Valerie nodded her head in silence as tears streamed down her cheek. “Don’t worry, there was a reason God allowed me to live, and I swear that as long as I live, I’ll honor Him and cherish you the rest of my life.”
“Oh Howard.” Valerie embraced him tightly.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s better I stay out of the kitchen. I might kill us all with my cooking abilities.”
The cloud of tension in the room lifted as they all laughed. Stephanie knew firsthand how bad her father’s cooking was and that was why her mother had insisted he stick to the decorating each year. She and her mother visited thirty minutes longer before the nurse on duty came to administer her father’s medication and told them he needed to get some rest before the surgery. After grabbing a late dinner together at the local diner and discussing how they would manage her father’s care when he returned home, they returned to the surgical waiting room and waited anxiously in prayerful silence for an update on his surgery.
Chapter 14
Stepping into the house later that evening, Stephanie took a deep breath. Her father had gone through the surgery with flying colors and was now resting at the hospital. Her mother, the stoically faithful wife, refused to leave his side, and Stephanie had eventually agreed to bring her clothes, medicine, and personal things back later on that evening. Her mother had made out a list, and Stephanie had quickly run home to get the items and bring them back to her.
As Stephanie stepped through the familiar double doors, she felt uneasiness take seed inside her mind. It seemed being inside a hospital now made her feel edgy, and she found it difficult to relax and sit still. Her nerves had never been a problem before, and now she found herself worrying over everything. She knew it was due to the fact the place reminded her of where her baby had been taken from her.
Haunting memories of Rachel’s last breaths inside of a hospital killed her, and she couldn’t stand being in one for even a short amount of time anymore. But this evening would be different. She was determined to muster every ounce of willpower and work through it for the sake of her parents. Anything to make sure they would be OK. They were all she had left now, and her heart couldn’t sustain another loss in the family. Her father’s heart attack had scared the living daylights out of her, and she knew she would have no other choice but to keep a closer eye on him from now on.
Life seemed to pass in one continuous blur, especially since she had Rachel, and she had missed many opportunities to spend quality time with her parents. She knew that by staying with them, she would have the ability to watch over both of them again, and make sure they were well taken care of. The idea soothed her nerves, and she decided she would mention it to them when her father’s condition stabilized.
Stephanie couldn’t stop thinking of the conversation she remembered from the nurses. She knew that the doctor lived here now. Maybe he was looking for a job at the hospital or one of the local clinics? She remembered the empty stare he had given her. He had looked so forlorn and lonely. She saw a whirlwind of emotions in the depths of his eyes. Anger, sadness and desolation. They were all there, tormenting the poor man. She now realized that he blamed himself for the death of her daughter. She felt bad for him. Deep in her heart, she felt a pulling and tender ache for a man that she didn’t even know. She knew that if he felt the same anguish she was feeling now, then he needed help from her.
Stephanie vowed to do whatever was needed to see him get better. She didn’t remember much from that fateful night. She remembered the feeling of the cold floor as her knees had dropped to it. She had bruises on her knees from that fall for days after. She remembered feeling the coldness of the floor on her knees because it felt like
her heart. Cold and dark inside. She remembered the feeling of being underwater and how everything had drained away. Light had diminished until it vanished from her sight, and she remembered being wet. Her shirt and hair were soaked with her tears as she wept for her daughter. She wept for what seemed like forever then continued her mourning by laying in her daughter’s bed and weeping again until her whole body was numb, and she couldn’t feel anything. She couldn’t hear anything, smell anything. Nothing. Her senses shut down completely in her feeling of loss. It was as if she lost a part of herself that night, and in reality, she had. She remembered the feeling of her father’s arms wrapped around her. She remembered looking blankly at the doctor in disbelief.
She finally felt like she had purpose again. Taking up her laptop she began her search for the man that she knew needed help. Somewhere out there was a man who was lost and needed her and Jesus to guide him back to the road he was supposed to walk on. The road only he could choose to walk down. Her mother had agreed with her when she spoke to her about the doctor as they waited for her father’s surgery to end. She had told her that she should pray for him and help him to recover from what he was going through. Her mother thought it would also be good for her to be able to talk to him, to ease his feelings of guilt. She had stated that recovery was different for everyone, but it was so much more inspiring when there was someone to do it with.
Knowing that what her mother had said was the truth, she picked up the phone and began dialing the numbers on her search. She called hospital after hospital and all the places she thought that he would be working at now. She began to feel herself slip into the defeated sense again. Where could he be? How could she find him? She didn’t know, but she knew she couldn’t quit now. She had a purpose and a job to do. God had placed the desire in her heart to help this man, and she would follow it to the end.
Fall From Grace Page 10