by Drew Sera
Shit. I can’t expect Sydney to feel trapped and like she has to communicate like this. I glanced at the notebook. Fuck. I never wanted to see that phrase.
Victor raped you and Matt walked him into this house!
I was stuck and needed to pull it together because Sydney was falling apart.
“Sydney, look at me, please.”
She wouldn’t. Lost, I picked up the pen again.
I don’t think of it that way, sunshine. I think of it more like, I stupidly consented to something that I wasn’t actually paying attention to.
I tapped her arm with the notebook. She lowered the pillow and took my notebook and picked up the pen.
You think of it that way because it’s easier. You don’t want to think about the truth of it because it’s too much.
I stared at her words. They were the truth. I was running again. I promised Colin that I wouldn’t run anymore.
You’re right. It is easier to think that. I never imagined that I’d ever be in that position ever again. I’ve been here before, Sydney. Just like you have. The physical pain was a little worse than what I remember from when I was little. But the other pain is so much greater. At times, it almost makes me feel claustrophobic. Like something is crushing me, and I can’t get enough air.
I handed the journal back to her and watched her as she read it. She took a deep breath and looked at me with those sad eyes. Sydney wrote in my notebook and handed it back to me.
Please understand that I’m not trying to argue with you. Don’t you remember telling me over and over that I wasn’t at fault for everything that Howard did, even though I tried desperately to defend him and justify everything he was doing? How can I sit here and let you do the same?
You NEVER consented to that shit with Howard. I consented with Victor.
I’m having a hard time believing you said “yes” to being raped.
“Fuck!” erupted from my chest and I stood up and began pacing in front of the coffee table. My heart was pounding, ringing in my ears and I was shaking. I had to get a grip quickly, so I didn’t scare Sydney. But I can’t see that fucking word.
With my hands on my hips, I turned to face Sydney. Thankfully, she didn’t look scared or shocked. She looked heartbroken, which gutted me. I put my hand on my chest hoping to calm my pounding heart, and walked to the couch and picked up my notebook.
Please don’t use that word. I can’t think of it happening like that.
Why?
I stared at her singled worded question. Quickly, my pen spewed out more pent up crap.
Because it makes me feel the same as I did when I was little. And I refuse to ever feel like that again. I fought as hard as I could when I was a kid to prevent it. I was so angry afterward. I would go to the park and throw rocks until I was so tired and hurt that I just laid in the grass and cried. I was never a match for them. They were too big for me. This time it fucking hurts so much more because I am old enough and I should have been able to fight back. And that “r” word makes me feel like I’m not good enough to love and take care of you or Colin. You two are everything to me, and if I feel like I can’t love and take care of you guys, then I’ve lost everything. I refuse to lose everything over that word.
I watched more tears fall from her eyes as I crouched down. I was shaking and couldn’t write anymore. I was at my max capacity now. So much was ripped open. I glanced at her, and as she picked the pen up, I called her to me.
“Sunshine.”
Sydney straddled my lap and wrapped one of her arms around me and placed a hand on my stomach. When she did that, everything unraveled in me. I just started crying. I couldn’t even control it. And I was so pissed at myself for not being able to stop my own tears.
“Anthony, I love you so much. Your arms were chained to furniture, you couldn’t fight back. Plus, you had the concussion from him hitting your head on the floor. I know you didn’t want that. You know better than to make excuses, but I understand it helps to ease the helpless feelings. But it has no bearing on your ability to love or take care of me. I will always trust you with my life. And I’m willing to bet Colin would too.”
She kissed my cheek and rubbed on my stomach. Her warm, supportive hand on my abdomen began calming and soothing me as I cried like a baby.
“Does Colin know?”
I nodded and tried to elaborate. My voice was shaking, and I could feel my stomach muscles quivering.
“He knows that it happened. But I haven’t said much about it. I’ve kind of been in denial with him about it for the most part.”
“You didn’t talk to him about it after it happened?”
I shook my head and leaned into her shoulder and chest.
“I was afraid…that he’d take you away from me and say that I couldn’t take care of you when I couldn’t take care of myself. I know it was stupid to think, but I worried.”
“Oh, Anthony.” She kissed the top of my head again. “What about Blake? Didn’t you say that you ended up staying a day or two with Blake?”
Blake. I nodded and took a breath.
“I stayed with him that Sunday and Monday. I didn’t tell him, but I suspected he knew. Blake is too sharp. While you were gone, I told him about my mom and step-dad. Blake had been curious for so long. He’s been like a dad to me.”
I squeezed Sydney closer as I closed my eyes. Why was everything just tumbling out of me? Blake had always been like a dad to me. He was what dads were supposed to be like.
“He would have helped you, Anthony. He wouldn’t have judged you.”
More tears fell from my eyes. If I had had a dad like Blake, everything would have been different. He would have come to my baseball games and watched games together. And I wouldn’t have been scared to go to sleep or go to school. I wouldn’t have hated coming home.
“I know he would have, sunshine. I couldn’t tell him though. He would have done everything to help me, but I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
“Anthony, what…why would he be disappointed?”
“Sunshine, remember how I told you that I finally called my biological father and how he told me to go to the hospital? When I woke up in the hospital and saw him, I felt relieved and so embarrassed. I was seventeen and tried to let on that I was tougher than how I felt. As my dad became aware of the things I went through, I felt ashamed. He filed a massive lawsuit against the school district. I had to testify. I felt lower than dirt in the courtroom when they showed pictures of my body from that night in the hospital. I could hardly look at anyone. The few times that I did look at my dad, he was always looking down. I knew he was ashamed of what came of his son. And I wasn’t going to put Blake in that position. I admire Blake, and I didn’t want him, or anyone else, looking at me with those eyes.”
Sydney stroked my back gently and rubbed on my stomach as I reprimanded myself for not being able to shut up. On top of the shaking, I was cold now.
“Blake wouldn’t have been ashamed of you. And I don’t think your dad was either.”
“You remember how you’d feel after Howard would leave? I felt like that for days, Sydney. Even though I was at Blake’s and then here, I felt lost and alone. I just wanted to hide—actually; I think I did a good job of hiding. I ached everywhere, inside and out. And I just wanted you back so bad. I can’t remember a time when I felt so alone.”
Sydney squeezed me tighter and kissed me.
“Did you sit in the shower, just to get warm? I used to do that a lot.”
“I did, yet somehow—”
“Somehow it made you colder?” Sydney asked eagerly.
This girl knew and understood everything.
“Yes, sunshine.”
With my stomach still quivering, I absorbed the acceptance, understanding, and love from our girl that I was desperately in need of. She was quiet, calm and I knew she hadn’t thought less of me. But I still won’t use that word.
28
Thursday, March 13th
Colin
> Cheng and I had dinner alone this evening to wrap up his visit to Las Vegas and confirm some grand opening dates for both of his properties in Macau.
“Colin, thank you for your hospitality this week. My guys have had a wonderful time,” Cheng said while he and I finished up dinner.
“It was an absolute pleasure. We’re glad you and your team came out.”
“Yes, please pass along our gratitude to Anthony and Mitch.”
“I'll let them know. They had a fantastic time as well,” I said as I thought back to Anthony kissing Sydney in the club last night. I kind of wished I had seen it.
“Your company has been a delight to work with. I have appreciated all of your dedication to handling so much of this contract personally. Not many companies offer the customer care that you have offered.”
“Thank you, I take a lot of pride in my company, and your compliments mean a great deal to me.”
“I have hotels spanning the globe, some with casinos, and some without. I've visited many cities, but there isn't one quite as special and electric as Las Vegas.”
I smiled and decided to tease him a little.
“Well, perhaps you'll have to consider putting your stake in Vegas sometime.”
We both shared a laugh, and he pulled from his briefcase a folder.
“Precisely. After you and I had lunch today, I met with some investors and signed a contract for land for a new casino.”
Cheng slid the folder across the table but kept his hand on it.
“I like you, Colin, and love Everett Gaming. After all that you and your company have done for me, there isn't another company I'd ever go with for my gaming needs. By the way, my gaming and liquor licenses for the state of Nevada were approved before my trip out here. The land is secured, and tomorrow before my flight home, I'm meeting with the architect firm to sign the contract. Now, I just need my electronic gaming company.”
He removed his hand from the folder, and I opened it. Inside was the preliminary contract to lock in Everett Gaming for the new hotel in Las Vegas.
“Take it to your legal guys and call me tomorrow.”
Words escaped me. I struggled even to speak, but we finished up dinner and shook hands.
“My company and I look forward to doing business with you here in Vegas,” I said.
With that and my folder in hand, we parted, and I headed to valet. My hands shook as I first dialed my main legal counsel. I cut to the chase quickly and told him I'd drop the contract off at his house on my way home tonight. While I waited in valet, I sent Anthony and Mitch texts about the contract. My heart was pounding. Cheng said the Las Vegas project would be exclusive to Everett Gaming.
Exclusive.
This would be the first project in Las Vegas where Everett Gaming would be exclusive. I have my foot in the door at many hotels and bars in the city, but none are exclusive. I looked at my phone when it buzzed; Mitch. He was thrilled and congratulated me.
As minutes ticked by, the feeling of worry and concern began to overtake my elated feeling. Why wasn't Anthony responding? Maybe he’s got Sydney occupied. Maybe they're fucking. I smiled at that possibility. It's been so good to see him enjoy himself during sex and play lately. I thought about calling the house but didn't want to interrupt if they were having an intimate moment. But it was hard not to worry. Ever since Paul and what happened between Anthony and the Pro Dom, I nearly panic when I can’t find him or Sydney. I've got to work on that. Time will heal that.
Relief washed over me when I turned onto our street and saw Anthony's BMW in the driveway. The house was quiet when I entered. I went into the kitchen and set my car fob down and tried to listen to hear movement. Nothing. The house was as still as can be.
Two paper cups from McDonald’s caught my eye and made me laugh. Of course. I knew Anthony was taking her to dinner tonight and he said he was going to let her pick. Naturally, they went to McDonald’s.
As I climbed the stairs, I saw the light was on in Sydney's writing room. From the doorway of her room, I saw my better halves. They were sleeping, and as I got closer to them, I realized how important their positioning was.
Sydney was lying face down, stretched out on her couch and Anthony was sitting on the floor leaning sideways against the couch. His right arm was on Sydney's back, under her t-shirt and his head was resting near hers. But it was Sydney's arm that grabbed my heart. Her arm draped around Anthony's neck, and her hand was splayed out forming the curve of his neck.
She was touching his neck.
I took in their peaceful moment because I knew that as of lately, the two of them sleeping peacefully was a rare occurrence. Nightmares, stomachaches, and chills often plagued their nights. In their nightly dreams, they are chased by demons, tormented by assholes, they hurt and are afraid. And I didn't want to wake them now.
I took my shoes, suit jacket and tie off, then sat down on the floor next to Anthony. Sydney's other hand clutched the Batman pillow above her head, but I inched my hand between the pillow and her hand. Though I hadn't fallen asleep, I closed my eyes to rest.
“Hey,” Anthony said as he nudged my arm.
I opened my eyes and sat up straighter to stretch. Anthony’s eyes were puffy and red, and he looked so worn out. What the fuck? I turned my head to glance at Sydney; still asleep.
“What time did you get home?” he asked.
“Close to 9:30. How was your evening? Anth, are you ok?”
His eyes seemed watery. He broke eye contact with me and looked back at Sydney for a moment. I could see that his mind was moving; thinking. He swallowed hard, and when he glanced back at me, I could tell that he wasn’t going to be able to control those tears very long. Whatever was going on, he was deeply affected by it.
“We went to McDonald’s. She ate well…” Anthony quickly wiped tears that had fallen from down his cheek. Fuck, he was scaring me.
“Anth,” I said his name, but he ignored me and continued.
“We shared a McFlurry and spent the evening up here.”
Anthony pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes. Between his arms, I could see that his jaw was firmly set and his lips formed a tight line. I took hold of his arm and shook him a bit.
“Anth, what’s wrong?”
He lowered his hands, revealing the tears as they continued to fall from his eyes. I glanced down at his stomach and saw it quaking. This has been happening since Sydney was gone. I’ve caught it a few times. Matt told me before that it’s shock.
“She knows about Victor now.” Anthony looked back at Sydney and stroked her back gently. “She knows all of it.” He sniffled and shook his head before meeting my eyes. He pointed to his eyes and said, “I can’t stop. Sorry.”
Stunned, I sat there frozen and gave him my full attention. He wasn’t well. I grabbed his t-shirt from the couch and handed it to him.
“Here, put this on. It’ll help…Anth, look at me, it’ll be ok.”
He nodded and pulled his shirt on, but wouldn’t make eye contact. With his head, he motioned toward the coffee table, where the journal lay open.
“You can read it. You probably should…It’s a lot of the stuff I can’t say.”
I nodded and reached for the journal. With my heart pounding, I looked down and the crinkled page, decorated with tears; either Sydney’s or Anthony’s. I flipped back to where it appeared their conversation started. Before I started reading, I could see that his legs started bouncing and suddenly he grabbed the journal.
“Wait…maybe you shouldn’t see it too.”
“Anthony, relax.”
He was uptight about me seeing his journal now. I knew what happened, so that wasn’t going to be a shocker. I think he needed some reassurance that it wasn’t going to change anything.
“Anth, remember, I already know what happened.”
“I know, but…but I put other stuff in here too.” He looked back at Sydney. “I didn’t run…there’s a lot of stuff in here.”
“It won’t
change how we feel. Sydney is still right here. She and I will always be in your corner.”
It took a few moments but he finally relented and handed me the journal, and then he stood.
“Anthony, calm down.”
He began pacing and rubbing on his chest and holding a hand on his stomach. This was a day from hell for him, and I just needed him to calm down. The drop hadn’t gotten any better, and now he was in shock. I set the journal down and stood up.
“I’m not going to read it with you like this. If it’s this upsetting to you, I don’t want to stress you out.”
“Just, read it. But, I need to go—”
“Fuck that! Are you kidding me? I’m not letting you go anywhere like this,” I interrupted him.
“No, you didn’t let me f-finish.” He wiped roughly at his eyes while he paced.
I hated seeing him like this. I apologized for interrupting and hoped he would continue. I wasn’t going to let him drive anywhere.
“I need to see Blake. He needs to see that too.”
Anthony was in pieces and barely keeping it together. He’s always had a strong bond with Blake, and I think right now, he needed to pull some strength from that bond.
“I’m going to text Blake and see if he’s still up while you read it.”
Anthony sat back down on the floor and leaned against the couch. He dropped his phone twice while trying to text. Setting the phone down on the floor between us, he went back to fidgeting while I began to read.
My heart, that had been healing and feeling better about where the three of us were, just had pieces pulled off of it again. Anthony still felt ashamed and at fault for what happened with Victor. I was so proud of Anthony for getting so much out, but also for Sydney gently calling him to the mat.