by JC Wallace
He grunted as he worked on a knot that felt like an iron ball. I grunted back but remained still, focusing on his voice.
“I wanted to know how I would react in their situation, but I didn’t have their frame of mind, their scope, as I call it. So I get to know them, ask them questions about their lives, their families, their triumphs and tragedies. And hopefully I can understand.”
“Sounds smart,” I muttered. Very smart actually. As a lawyer, my view was one sided with a single focus. Win for the client no matter how I felt about who they were suing.
“It is. Because I can barge into someone’s life and tell them how to get better, exactly what to do, and how to do it. If they don’t, I can berate them for failing, or not trying, not wanting to get better. But what good does that do?”
I decided I loved to hear him talk. As he did, my muscles strained to let go inch by inch. I chuckled then grimaced as he hit a tender spot. “But… that’s kind of what you did… to me, right?” I blew out a breath.
“Well, that was my plan.”
I opened my eyes, despite not being able to see him. “Plan?”
He was silent for a moment then said, “You’re a winner, Paul. Even if you’d forgotten how. You’ve spent your life being coached, being pushed, being told exactly what you’re doing wrong and how to do it right. Me coming in here with any other attitude wouldn’t have worked. When you gave up on yourself, if I coddled you, felt sorry for you, you would have definitely kicked my ass out for good.”
He wasn’t wrong there. “I did try to scare you off, but you don’t listen very well.”
“My mama always said I never did. What I didn’t count on was the feelings I had for you back in high school still being so strong when I saw you again. Being there at your accident… seeing you so…”
Damaged… wrecked… broken?
“Hurt. I thought maybe those feelings for you had come back to the surface because you’d been injured. I had a need to help you. I came to see you a few times in the hospital, and like a coward, I didn’t make it through your door.”
I waited for more, but he remained silent. “Why?”
“Because, you were hurt, and I felt like a perv. I didn’t want you to think I was… I don’t know. Taking advantage of you. Back in high school, I was sure you knew I wanted you and that you thought I was pathetic. Maybe I’m not making any sense.” He laughed but it was hollow, almost sad.
So that was why he’d stayed away. Maybe it had been a good thing.
“If you had made it through the door, within a day you would have hated me. I was a miserable, mean person who lashed out at anyone.” God, the way I’d acted, I’m surprised I hadn’t been dumped out onto the street by the nurses, much less the people I had called friends. “I pushed everyone away. So maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that you didn’t come and see me. Then you wouldn’t be here now.”
The sorrow of that thought washed over me with cold realization. If Wendy hadn’t stuck by me, I wouldn’t have made it to this night with Jacob. I felt like I should buy her a car, or a pony or something, to make up for my asinine behavior. Nothing would ever be enough. And Jacob. He’d stuck in there even if it had only been for a couple of weeks.
“Do you want me here now?” Jacob’s words were tentative, meek.
I rolled, able to move again. I looked up into his eyes.
“When I was in my wrecked car, I was terrified.” I closed my eyes as that familiar fear crept over my skin. “I never told anyone about what it was like for me. Whenever they asked, I always told them I couldn’t remember. But you and I both know I remember.” My lip quivered, and I took in a deep breath.
“Even though I was there, I still don’t know what you were thinking, what you felt. I imagine pretty damned scared.” He ran his hand over my skin, and I leaned into the touch.
“Every second. It was a moment of sheer terror when those lights headed toward me. I yanked the wheel hard. And then it was like an explosion. I was thrown hard in my seat belt. There wasn’t any pain until it all stopped.”
There was a tickle in my nose, as if I could actually smell the acrid odor from the air bag going off. Jacob ran a soothing hand over my stomach, gentle, calming. He was there again, comforting me through my accident.
“I think I was stunned for a minute, you know? And confused. When my head cleared, I hurt everywhere and my face… God, I was sure I’d lost half of my face.” I swallowed hard, smelling that coppery smell of blood and tasting the tang of it on my tongue. “While I sat there, I knew I was dying. And in those moments, you see things so clearly. Things you hadn’t really seen before. And you start wishing that you’d done things differently.
Jacob nodded as if he understood that. Maybe people that had been in his ambulance had expressed similar wishes.
“What were your wishes?” Jacob asked.
Tears flooded my eyes. He placed his palm against my cheek, over my scar. Just having him next to me highlighted how heartbreaking my solitude had been. No wonder my body hadn’t healed given how dead my heart was— even before the accident. It had taken an angel with amber eyes to revive the organ, to pump life back into me.
“You would think I would have wished for… that my wish would have been to be closer to my family and my friends, that I had cared more.” I was really crying now, but I managed to laugh morosely. “Not me. I fucking wished I had worked harder and won more cases.” I gasped on a sob. “Been more successful… Wished I’d made it… to the top… of Everest.” Who the hell wished shit like that when they thought their life was over?
More tears and I was sobbing. I hadn’t cried in years. Tears of pain at times, yes, but crying soul-crushing tears of sadness. No. Not even when my mother had died.
Jacob leaned over me, working his arm under my shoulders. For a brief second, I tried to stop him, but he did that soothing, shushing sound. I wrapped my arms tight around his body, my face buried in his shoulder. And I cried like a fucking baby as he told me everything would be all right, while running his hands over my back and arms.
I shook my head. The crying had a stranglehold on my throat, but I managed to choke out. “I don’t… want to be… a-alone anymore.”
I couldn’t believe I’d confessed something so personal, so needy. But that long denied need had risen from deep in my soul where I’d buried it years ago— maybe as long ago as childhood. Finally, it had seen the light of day in the arms of Jacob Divine.
“Hey, you’re not alone. I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” His hands were so comforting on my touch-starved skin.
I focused hard on shutting down the tears. My head pounded, and my throat hurt. My nose had leaked snot all over Jacob’s shoulder. I was a real prince charming.
“Y-you will… I’ll push you out of my life, too.”
He chuckled, and I felt the vibration against my chest. His skin was so warm, so alive, so amazing. “Just try it,” he whispered. “I don’t think you understand how I feel about you. How, when I look at you, I can see into your soul. I see you, and you’re everything I want and need. I’m yours, if you’ll accept me, for as long as you’ll have me. Just try to scare me off.”
I hated that he offered himself to me no matter what I did to him, no matter how I treated him. He deserved better. He shouldn’t settle for a situation where he believed he’d get what he could and then be tossed aside. I should have been the one begging him to give me whatever he saw fit, begging him to stick around and love me. I should have been the one worshipping this person who saw past my scars and the damage that hid the real me.
I held him tighter, and once again, I was crying rivers of tears, my chest heaving with sobs. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to stop. He didn’t seem annoyed or pissed. He was patient as his fingers massaged the back of my head, sending tingles over my scalp. I never wanted him to stop touching me.
When my sobs lessened, I was exhausted and mortified I’d fallen apart in front of him. Soon, I fell asleep
in his arms.
****
Chapter 13
Of course, as it usually goes, morning always throws a different light on whatever happened the night before. We were still entwined in bed, my head resting on his chest, his arm around my shoulders. My hand was on his stomach, rising and falling. My leg thrown over his. Intimate and entangled like lovers.
Were we lovers? Were we in a relationship? We’d made love twice, slept in the same bed together. And I had shattered into a million pieces right in front of him.
Anger tried to take hold of the shame and disgrace I felt. I’d emasculated myself in front of the man sleeping next to me. I’d shown the one trait I despised most in others. Weakness. I closed my eyes, feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn’t get my body to move, couldn’t stop touching him, feeling his arm around me, the gentle rhythm of his breathing, the steady beat of his heart. So I lay there, embroiled in a session of self-loathing, grinding my teeth, ramping up the tension in my body.
“Are you awake?” he asked in a husky, sleep-filled voice. I shuddered.
“Yeah.” I realized how tight my hold on his body had become, and I relaxed my grip. I quickly sat up and turned my back to him, sitting on the edge of the bed. I raked my fingers through my hair, no doubt setting it on end. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I carried on like that last night. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”
I gave him room for escape, to get out without feeling as if he had to stay and coddle me.
“If you mean the sex, it was fantastic.”
I shook my head.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he assured me and touched my back with his fingertips. I automatically moved so his hand fell away and stood.
“I can take care of myself.” I searched the floor for my underwear and pulled them out of my pants.
“I wasn’t saying you couldn’t.” His voice was steady… cautious.
All I could see was my weakness, flashing like a neon sign for everyone to see. I hated it. I hated myself. Self-loathing should have been my middle name.
I pulled on my briefs. “I’m sure you have things to do.” The coldness was coating my heart and my insides once again. I had no clue why, what had changed, but I seemed helpless to stop it.
“No, I—”
“I’m going to take a shower.” Escape was my only goal, my pinpoint focus on the door to the bathroom. Once I locked it behind me, I could regain my equilibrium.
“Paul, stop!” Jacob’s shout stopped me in my tracks.
I had to turn because his voice had filled my entire body and resonated over my nerves. He stood in all of his naked gloriousness by the bed. His flaccid cock nestled between his thighs. His hair stuck up, and he looked beautiful.
“You’re doing it again.” A simple statement that shouldn’t have confused me so, but it did. He walked toward me. “You’re trying to push me away.”
I almost shrugged out of habit. Other than that, I didn’t know what to do or say. When he was right in front of me, he cupped my cheeks. He seemed to like to do that. And I loved when he did, because he looked me right in the eyes.
“What did I tell you last night?”
I snorted because I wasn’t sure what he was looking for. Luckily, he didn’t wait.
“I said I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it. So you just get that stick out of your ass and get me some coffee before I turn into a raging bitch.”
I sort of gaped at him, his expression stern, and then realized he was right. “Shit,” I whispered trying to look away. “Why would you bother?”
Without hesitation, he said, “Because you’re worth it.” Then he laid a searing kiss on me, until my legs trembled and my lungs screamed for air. When he finally relented, he smacked me on the left butt cheek, the sting invigorating. “Now, how about you do something about my low caffeine level, hmh?”
I groaned. “I think I’ve met my match.” In more ways than one.
He picked up his pants and then raised a brow. “Chop chop… Get going.”
He waved his hand at me and I smiled, wide, heading off to start the coffee and wondering what I’d gotten myself into. I also wondered how long before I fucked it up again.
****
Jacob stayed the entire weekend. We did absolutely nothing except make love and talk. We talked about anything and everything we could think of. By Sunday afternoon, I knew most everything about him and every inch of his body. While our form might not have been the best, we definitely would have scored tens for creativity while fucking. And there wasn’t a room left untouched, well, any rooms downstairs. Upstairs would come when I could climb them easily.
By Sunday night, I was exhausted. I lay on the couch in the living room, recuperating, while Jacob was in the kitchen creating something that smelled so good for dinner. I was amazed by how quickly he’d become a part of my home, which just a week ago, I had thought of as a prison. The simple comfort of having Jacob there was addicting, and I hated the thought of him going home tonight, of him leaving me. My mind was busy running through scenarios for him to stay. Where was a snow storm or hurricane when you needed one?
“How’s the pain?” he asked as he came into the living room carrying my pill box and a bottle of water.
He wore one of my T-shirts, a little big on him, and my boxers, as if he’d always done so. He sat on the coffee table in front of me. My back had loosened, the tightness that had started again from our “activities” was relenting, and the pain was minimal. Maybe there was something to that mind and body connection.
“Not bad. Although if we keep going, my dick might become permanently disabled.”
He scoffed. “Now that would be tragic.” He pulled out my evening pills.
Just taking those pills generally was an annoying reminder of my limitations, but with Jacob’s hand feeding them to me one by one, his fingers touching my lips, I didn’t mind at all. I took a drink after each pill. As he placed the last one on my tongue, I sucked his finger into my mouth. I heard the hitch in his breath.
“I thought your cock needed a rest.” His glazed eyes and the tenting of his pants convinced me that I didn’t care.
He pulled his finger slowly from between my lips, as my tongue swirled around the digit. Once it was out, I swallowed the pill.
“I’ll take one for the team.”
I rose up on my elbow and cupped the back of his neck, guiding him to my lips. Soft touches at first, then tongues getting into the act. He smelled delicious, like garlic and oregano. I could even taste it on his lips and his tongue. His hand smoothed over my chest then his finger found my nipple beneath my T-shirt. The pleasure was sharp and quick as he pinched the nipple.
Between our lips, he muttered, “Dinner’s going to burn if I get too distracted.”
I licked at his lips. “Mmmm, from what I can taste, it would be a waste. Maybe I should take you from behind while you’re cooking.” I ran my hand over his chest, down his stomach and squeezed his cock through his sweats. He whimpered, and I grinned.
“Ah shit,” he gasped as I squeezed his shaft again. “I-I… I invited your sister to dinner.”
I sat back and leveled a glare at him, my lust dissipating. “Excuse me?”
He dropped his hands into his lap. “I invited Wendy to dinner. It was a surprise.”
And just like that the bubble around us popped. My sister was coming over. Reality would storm back into my home. Not that I didn’t want to see Wendy. I did, but I’d wanted it to be just me and Jacob for as long as it could be.
He chewed on his bottom lip as I contemplated my reaction, because my gut was going for anger along with some yelling. My heart (yeah, my heart was now having a say in things) was screaming to stop and think of his motives.
“Are you mad? I was going to ask first, but she really wanted to see you, and I knew you probably wouldn’t agree…” His eyes widened, comically, with a realization. “Which I should have taken as a clue to ask.”
“Stop,” I said, a
bit too forcefully, because he was working himself up.
The doorbell rang. The perfect opportunity to get away from him, because I didn’t want to yell and carry on. It was right there under the surface. If only he knew how much I hated surprises.
I worked my way off the couch and headed for the door, which I yanked open. Wendy grinned almost giddily. She was dressed as if she’d just come from the office, grey pantsuit, blonde hair in a neat knot at the back of her neck. She probably had. I’d worked most Sundays if I hadn’t been out playing sports or climbing.
“Imagine my surprise when I called Jacob and he asked me to come to dinner, wanting to surprise you.” She gave me a mock look of surprise. “Oh, wait, now that I think of it, you aren’t very fond of surprises, are you?”
I heaved a breath and gritted my teeth. Yeah, she’d known that already. She’d thrown me a surprise party for my last birthday. When a room full guests had shouted “surprise,” I’d turned around and walked out. My father had to order me back in. That had only been to save himself from looking bad in front of the guests. Just my father being at an event to celebrate my birth had been somewhat of an apocalyptic occurrence, and since my life was lived to please my father, well, I stayed.
My sister’s goal in life had always been to push my rigid boundaries (and buttons) despite the consequences. She was expecting a blowout, but I wasn’t about to let her get the best of me. We were competitive like that.
I smiled back. “Thank you for coming to dinner. It’s so nice to see you.” I leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Come in.”
She huffed and then smirked. “Fucking liar,” she whispered and headed for the living room.
I closed the door and worked on my fake façade, smiling and rolling my shoulders, appearing relaxed even though I felt off balance and deceived. Jacob hadn’t known that I didn’t like things thrown in my lap without prior notice. What had he said about seeing other people’s perspective or situations? God, this relationship (Was it a relationship?) seemed to be a race to see how fast I could screw it up. Well, I wasn’t going to because my new definition of winning was going to be “not fucking it up.”