by JC Wallace
Wendy’s shoes clacked across the stone as she disappeared into the house. A few minutes later, she returned with a glass of water and three pills.
“Thanks. I knew I loved you for a reason.” I swallowed them and drained the water.
“Yeah, well apparently I’m the only one. I heard you told Dad you weren’t pursuing your case.”
I rubbed at my temples. “Ahh, yes. The disappointment of the son.”
“I’m pretty sure a few small islands off the coast of California disappeared from the earthquakes set off by his yelling. And you sent poor Mark to the lion’s den as the sacrificial lamb.”
I groaned. “Fuck, I didn’t think. I was just so… I’ve had it, Wendy.”
She was silent, and I peered at her through the slits in my eyelids. She wasn’t dressed in her usual dress suit. Actually, she was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. The only time I’d seen her dressed like that in the past five years was when she was playing on the women’s softball team.
“It’s about time. But I’m guessing that this,” she waved her hand indicating the empty beer bottles, “has nothing to do with Dad.”
I curled in on myself, my hands cradling my head. “I fucked everything up with Jacob.”
She laughed. “What’s new? Just call him and apologize. Jeez, Paul, do you have to be such a drama queen?”
I chuckled dryly. “Oh, there’s no fixing this.” I didn’t think I’d been lower since my accident. I’d had a chance at happiness, and I ruined it because of my father. “Jacob didn’t tell you?”
She shook her head. Foolishly, I told her what had happened, all of the vile and mean things I’d said. The look on Jacob’s face. Something I’d never forget, because I’d hurt someone who meant something to me, who’d wanted me, and I threw him away.
The smack on my head was unexpected and hurt like hell. “Oww, hey!”
“Of all of the stupid, asinine, bullheaded, thoughtless, idiotic… stupid things to say. Do you just sit around making this shit up?”
I gaped at her. Making it up? “I didn’t make it up. You two are friends, and I don’t know what you’re saying behind my back.”
Another swat. “Jesus, Wendy, cut it out!”
“No, dipshit, the part about him taking advantage of you, seeing this as an opportunity to get what he always wanted. Well, from the first time he told me he’d kissed you, I told him he was fucking crazy for wanting anything to do with you. Do you think he’d listen to me? No!”
She paced and fumed and paced some more. “I told him you were shallow and self-centered and arrogant and, at times, a dickhead who had to be the best, fuck everyone else.”
“Hey!”
“He wouldn’t listen. What do I know? He kept telling me that deep down you were a different person. He’d seen it back in high school, and he saw it even now. I don’t know who he’s talking about because a leopard doesn’t change its spots, you know.
“Tell me how you really feel, why don’t you?” Her low opinion of me was a harsh blow. She’d never been so harsh. It was like she didn’t even like me.
“I told him you couldn’t be bothered with a relationship. You saw it as being too needy. That you were all about your career and succeeding, and you couldn’t possibly put anyone before yourself—”
“Yes, I can,” I interjected.
“You couldn’t possibly care about anyone but yourself.”
“I can too!” I was angry that she thought so low of me.
“You’d never stop thinking about yourself long enough to fall for anyone.”
“Yes, I can. I mean, I did!”
“You could never love anyone because you couldn’t even love yourself.”
Those words hit me hard, so hard I wasn’t sure I could breathe. I didn’t love myself. I loathed myself and what I’d become. Could I love someone if I didn’t even love myself? I didn’t know, and I hated not knowing.
I hung my head. “I care about him, Wendy. He came into my life and pushed the shit aside and made a place for himself. But I don’t know how to keep him. I’ve never known how to keep someone because they all leave… I don’t want him to leave.”
“Then tell him,” she whispered. “Tell him the truth, and that he’s worth it, and that you can’t be the man he thinks you can without him.”
“But what you said… about me…”
She smiled. “That’s what you think of yourself, Paul.” Wendy sat next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. Instead of pushing her away as I would have in the past, I leaned into her. “One time or another, you’ve said all of it. That’s what you think of yourself. And you know what? The only one you need to convince that you aren’t that person, is you.”
I heaved a sigh and sat. “Easier said than done.”
“I didn’t abandon you and neither did Mom or your friends. We were always there, but you built that wall so high around yourself that we were hard to see.” She sniffed. “I love you, little brother, always have, and I’m here for whatever you need.”
A tear escaped down my cheek, and I swiped it away. “Give me a ride to Jacob’s?”
She pursed her lips, her gaze on the floor. Then she slapped her thighs and stood. “Nope.”
****
Chapter 18
“What?”
“This is your mess to clean up. And I’m not getting involved.” I tried to interrupt, but she raised her hands and shushed me. “You are Paul Breaux, and you can do anything. Besides I have to go and find a new job.”
She walked toward the French doors, and I stood and went after her. “What do you mean ‘a new job’?”
She looked slyly at me over her shoulder. “You aren’t the only one who’s had it.”
I grinned. “Oh, hell. Dad must be shitting elephants.”
“And then some.” She winked and then left me to decide exactly how I was going to get to Jacob.
****
I called, texted, and emailed Jacob enough times that I could potentially be arrested as a stalker. No answer after four hours. I’d called the ambulance service, but he was off for two days. The only other place I could check was his home. I paced around my car. The garage door open, keys in my hand. I was already shaking. I had his address. He lived in Latham while I was up in Niskayuna. Just get to Route Seven and it was less than twenty minutes away.
Easy, right?
I chuckled maniacally. What was I thinking? He probably wasn’t even home, and if he was, he wouldn’t open the door. But I couldn’t breathe thinking that I’d never see him again, even if it was just to apologize. I reached into my pocket for my cell phone— wasn’t leaving this time without it. Now I just had to leave.
“Just get in the stupid car!”
I yanked at my hair and glared at the shiny, new vehicle. What were the chances I’d get into another accident? If rational thinking were my only problem, I wouldn’t have one. Anger was my problem, and if I could just get angry enough, maybe…
Didn’t take long to tap into my rage thinking of how my father had worked me like a puppet on strings all my life. I yanked open the car door and sat inside. When the door slammed, I swore it took all of the air away.
“You’re okay. Nothing bad is going to happen. When you get to Jacob, everything will be fine.”
Focusing on Jacob, I put the key in the ignition and started the car. I flicked on the AC because I was sweating to death. Luckily, Wendy had backed the car into the garage when she’d brought it home after my last disastrous drive. As I pulled out into the sunshine, I called on something inside of me, something to let me do what I needed to do. Jacob was more important than my fear, more important than anything. Too bad it took me pushing him away to see that.
Five miles per hour down the drive and I was finally at the road.
“Here goes nothing.”
It was early in the day, so I wouldn’t be driving at night. It hadn’t been night last time I went out either, I reminded myself. Yeah, my brain really needed to sh
ut up.
Pulling onto the road, I gripped the steering wheel with two hands. I was hunched forward, eyes darting about to avoid anything that might try to crash into me. My pulse raced and that familiar tingling started in my hands. My panic attacks tended to mirror some physical catastrophe I couldn’t control, like a heart attack or a stroke. One time, I’d even sworn I couldn’t move one side of my face, which the doctor said wasn’t physical but psychological.
I was doing twenty miles per hour in a forty-five. Stepping on the gas a bit, I sped up to thirty. Cars were blowing by me, and all I could think was, Why are they going so fast? Don’t they know how dangerous driving is?
That cooled my new found bravery. Me, Paul Breaux, terrified in my car. But I had every right to be terrified. I’d almost died in a car exactly like that one. First thing I was going to do after begging Jacob to give me a second chance was sell this car. I’d buy a huge SUV, a tank, or something larger where I didn’t feel so vulnerable.
A trip that should have taken twenty minutes had taken an hour and a half. The entire way my head spun. I did some hyperventilating, had some chest pain, was convinced my left side was totally numb and I was going to crash. Every car that came toward me I was convinced was coming right at me. I barely kept myself from veering off the road. When I finally pulled onto the end of what the GPS said was Jacob’s driveway, I parked the car, pulled the keys from the ignition, and threw them out of the window. Lowering my forehead to the steering wheel, I worked to collect myself piece by piece, sans my dignity, because what I’d had of that had been strewn all over Route Seven. And I didn’t care. I’d made it.
And then I smiled, albeit tremulously. I focused on slowing my breathing before I went to see if Jacob was home. I had to calm down. My racing heart couldn’t take the added stress of coming all this way to have him not be there. It was highly possible that he wouldn’t even let me in. I didn’t even want to fathom that possibility.
“Paul?”
My head shot up, and I found Jacob leaning down, watching me. “Oh my God, Paul? Did you drive all the way here?”
“I… um… yeah… You didn’t answer when I called or texted or emailed. I had to… I wanted to see you, but I…” I laughed. “I was trying to calm down before I knocked on the door.”
He frowned, but I could tell he was assessing me, probably my current health or maybe even for drugs.
“I can’t believe you drove all the way here. I’m sorry you wasted your trip on me.”
My mouth fell open, and I felt as if a lance had been stuffed into my chest. “Wasted?”
He was indifferent, once again cold, and not very inviting. And had I expected him to be?
I turned and looked over the steering wheel. “I don’t think I can drive home. I’m sorry.” I scrambled for my phone. “I’ll have to call someone to d-drive my c—” I choked then cleared my throat. I was terrified that I was going to cry right there. The stress of the trip and being rejected were too much. “Drive my car home.”
“Okay,” he said then started to walk back to the house.
Go after him, you idiot!
“Jacob!” I scrambled out of my seat belt and threw open the car door. “Please, wait!” I couldn’t run so I did my best impression of the quick step and slide. “Just… wait!”
When he turned, that pain was back in his eyes, the pain that I’d caused yesterday with my baseless, selfish accusations. I had to do something, anything, to right that wrong. He crossed his arms. The breeze ruffled his hair, and I couldn’t help but smile slightly.
“Can we talk, please? I know you don’t owe me that, but I’m begging you. Please?”
He looked away for a moment, and I could tell that he really wanted to deny me, kick me to the curb and get revenge. And I’d deserve it, take it (but not with grace) after I said anything to get him to want me again.
He nodded and started for the house again. I followed now, wishing I’d parked closer to the house. He lived in a small bungalow, one story, maybe a quarter the size of my monstrosity. The yard was a good size, and for the area, that meant higher prices. If he’d bought it, then he was doing well for himself.
He led me into a small living room with two leather couches and a large-screen TV. He motioned for me to sit which I did gratefully. I accepted his offer of water since I felt as dry as the Sahara. He sat on the couch across from me and waited.
“My sister says I hate myself.” That wasn’t even close to what I wanted or should have said.
“Okay.”
I sighed. “I mean, I’m sorry for everything I said to you yesterday. I was so angry at my father and his stipulations for making partner, I couldn’t…”
I watched as his attention waned, his body seeming to deflate. And I knew why. I was blaming someone else, again.
I stood and walked to him and got down on one knee before him. Eye to eye. And he looked surprised.
“I’m sorry for hurting you. What I said was inexcusable. But I have no one to blame but myself.” That had his attention back, yet he was still giving me that stony-faced fuck-off look.
“What I said wasn’t what I thought of you at all. It was what I thought of myself. You’re the one who is too good for me. You’re the one I didn’t think I had a chance with. My scars…” I reached up and ran a fingertip over my cheek. “I let them define me. But what I found being around you was that I’m not just ugly on the outside, but on the inside, too. And I don’t like myself that much.”
It was as if I’d cut myself open and my insides, my heart, and my soul were bleeding out onto his lap. I was exposing myself, showing him what I’d never shown another human being, and it was freeing. I was speaking for the first time from that scared and vulnerable and weak man I hid inside. At no other time in my life had I ever been so true to myself. And that brought tears to my eyes.
My lip trembled. “I don’t know why you said I had a good man inside of me, because I don’t see him. What I see isn’t very desirable or what anyone would ever want. And not just since the accident, but my whole life. I was able to deny all of that while I was busy conquering the courtroom and the world. But when that was taken away… Well, there was no denying it anymore.”
I sniffed and wiped a tear from my cheek but more followed. Jacob’s face had softened, and his posture was more relaxed. I hoped that meant he was considering what I was saying.
“Then you came along with your kind and caring heart, your generosity, your stability, your ability to focus on others, on who they are and what you can help them to be. When I let that beauty in behind my walls, and compared it to who I was, who I am, I didn’t like what I saw. It’s not an excuse for anything I did, really, because now I know…”
Oh, shit. My gut clenched, and my heart practically died inside of my chest. I knew what I had to do, and it was tearing my insides down piece by piece.
In an unexpected gesture, Jacob touched my arm and just made my task harder. “What do you know?”
I competed with the lump in my throat. I wanted the lump to win so I didn’t have to say what I knew was right, the only way I could say that I was sorry. This man who wormed his way into my heart didn’t belong to me.
Fighting to speak, I coughed. “I know that I have to let you go.”
His brow crinkled. “Let me go?”
More tears and I managed to nod. I touched his hand and caressed the skin, knowing it would be the last touch. What I was doing was harder than anything I’d ever done. Forget climbing mountains into the sky or diving into the deep. Forget winning the biggest case. Right then, my sweat and tears and my entire soul were going into putting another person’s well-being before my own needs, placing him first. I imagined it was close to having your heart carved out of your chest with a butter knife.
I managed a weak smile. “You are wonderful, and special, and perfect, and have a heart of gold. You deserve someone who can see that from the start. Not someone who’s only seen it after they’ve treated you like s
hit and then lost you.”
He surveyed me for a moment. “So you’re, what, letting me go for my own good?”
Ouch.
“No. You’re already gone. What I’m saying is… I have to come to terms with that because… I can’t be the person you need. Not yet. Maybe someday… maybe never.” I had so much to work on, so much to turn around inside of me. My need to be the best, to please my father, to not accept help from anyone was only going to keep me from having someone in my life. “You have to know though, that it’s you who made me want to be a better person, the person who crashed through my wall, and exposed me to the light, and now… all I want to do is grow.” I laughed and wiped my cheek. “Look, tears. I’ve cried more in the past month than my entire life. My mother used to say they’re a sign of life inside.”
Right then though, they were a sign of mourning.
Fresh tears came as I leaned in and touched my lips to his, a lingering moment savoring his sweetness, his softness. Why did a kiss good-bye feel so much like a kiss hello?
Maybe it was my imagination, but his amber eyes looked a little glassy when I sat back. One last look and I stood and walked out of the house. And I knew I’d have to tackle driving home because I couldn’t linger in his driveway and cry. Too dramatic.
“Paul! What the hell was that?” The door slammed, and he rushed to me, his hands in the air. “Jesus, I was giving you a couple of days to chill out and think about what you’d said and then apologize, but you come here all fucking noble and freeing me from your wretchedness.”
He was in front of me, and I was dumbfounded by what he was saying. He looked pissed, but also there was something else I couldn’t recognize.
“What you did in there, I can’t decide if it was gallant and unselfish or stupid and self-centered.”
“Umm… the first one?”
His hands clenched my biceps, as if he thought I’d bolt. That’s when I recognized what that other expression was that I couldn’t name. Fear.