by Susan Renee
You Don’t Know Jack Schmidt
Susan Renee
You Don’t Know Jack Schmidt
Original Copyright © Susan Renee 2017
All Rights Reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of this book without the permission of the publisher or author constitutes unlawful piracy and theft. For use of any part of this book please contact the Author at [email protected] for written consent.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead, is coincidental.
Except for the original material written by the author, all songs, and/or song titles mentioned, throughout the novel You Don’t Know Jack Schmidt, are the property of the respective songwriters and copyright holders.
Disclaimer: This book is intended for adult readers only and is not appropriate for minors. There is some language and adult sexual content. This book is just meant to be fun. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you might not want to get to know Jack Schmidt.
Cover art by Samantha Roth of Grothic Designs
Editing by Nikki Rose
Formatting by Annie Anderson
To my team of Book Bitches.
Thank you for your willingness to be silly with me and for your help in making a ridiculous bunch of “Schmidt” titles become an entertaining book series. I love how much we laugh together.
You make my life fun.
Contents
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
About the Author
Where can I read more from Susan Renee?
Where can I keep in touch with Susan Renee?
Chapter One
LINDA
Some nights I can look at myself in the mirror before I go to bed and tell myself that I’m one sexy woman, with a pretty darn easy life. Other nights, like tonight, all I see is the smudged eyeliner of an exhausted, emotional, jealous best friend of a girl who is living it up in New York City this weekend with the man of her dreams. I know Jenna deserves a happily ever after, and she sure as hell better get it from Jacoby, but that doesn’t stop me from sometimes wishing that I could have that life too. The one where I’m not sleeping with random men who can’t remember my name. The one where I’m not looking around in dirty bars for “Mister Right Now. I’ve seen them all. There’s nobody there, and anyways, none of them are very good in bed.
“One of these days.” I sigh, shaking my head. I grab the facewash off the shelf in the shower and pull my hair back so I don’t get it drenched while washing the day’s goop off my face. Patting myself dry, I drag my towel down my face, opening my eyes to see my reflection in the mirror. “Who am I kidding? One of these days Jenna is going to leave me to spend her days and nights with Mr. Jacked-up Jacoby, and I’ll be completely alone. God, I wish I could get my shit together.”
I hang my towel on the bar in the bathroom and make my way to my bed to settle in for the night. Like every other night, I go through my bedtime routine of checking Facebook one more time, you know, in case I missed something from the last time I checked about fifteen minutes ago, and play a few levels of Candy Crush. I usually last until I get one of those God-awful levels where it’s virtually impossible to get the ingredients all the way to the bottom.
“Ugh! Candy Crush, I’m going to rage-quit you!” I seethe as I throw my phone down next to me and roll over to go to sleep. I lay there for a good ten minutes wide awake before I decide to grab my phone and check my email, because I’m bored and can’t sleep anyway. None of my emails seem pressing, since really nobody important sends me emails anymore. They just text me if they need me. Among the hundreds of junk mail emails I get every day is an email advertisement for an app called The Watering Hole, an “online dating experience.”
“Ha! I almost made Jenna sign up for this before her new main squeeze showed up,” I say out loud to absolutely nobody but myself. The ad shows reviews of the app, almost two-thousand, awarding four to five stars, and a short explanation for downloaders.
Your mother always tells you that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Turns out, she is right. You just had to know where to look! Well scroll no further. The Watering Hole is your place for all-you-can-meet fish! Be singular and develop a one-of-a kind match with someone special, or simply use The Watering Hole as your place to hang out and meet new people!
“The Watering Hole…it sounds like a pee trough or something.” I shake my head and lay my phone down next to me, willing myself to fall asleep before I do something stupid. The idea waffles back and forth in my mind for almost fifteen minutes. I don’t know what the heck makes me do it, but my finger hits the link to download the app before I can stop myself. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” I mumble. Within about fifteen seconds The Watering Hole app is on my phone and I’m opening it to see what happens. Will there be a list of guys I can just choose from? “I bet they’ll all be mega nerds who boast what big dicks they have.” I snort. “‘Because you know, they speak Spockly and carry big dicks.”
In order to see the contents of the app, I’m asked to immediately create a profile for myself. “Ugh! I really have to do this? Why am I even doing this?”
Because Jenna isn’t here to tell me no.
I take a deep breath, reminding myself that this can all be anonymous and can all go away with the swipe of a finger. There’s nobody here but me, and I can’t sleep, so I may as well have a little fun with this before I close my eyes for the night. The app asks me to create a username.
“Hmm…what would be a good username?” I tap my chin trying to come up with the most ridiculous username in the world, because there’s no way I’m taking this seriously.
“’RadandBad?’” I suggest. “Hmm, no. Maybe something more like ‘RandyPants.’ Oooh, no. I’ve got it. Hahaha this is going to be fun…” My thumbs work quickly, typing out my new username. I’m giddy when I see it hasn’t been taken yet. Not really surprised, but giddy just the same. I laugh every time I see the movie and can’t wait to see what some nerdy guy has to say about my inherent typo.
Username: NoRagrets
I go through the motions of choosing a password and learning all the specific information about my newly created account. The next thing I’m asked to do is write a quick blurb about me and upload a photo. I don’t even bother scrolling through the pictures on my phone to find a good one of me. Without giving it much thought I sit up against my headboard, turn on the lamp beside me and snap a selfie. “You want dark brown hair and a nose ring? You got it! No filters here!” I quickly upload the ridiculous photo I just took to my profile, before continuing to come up with a quick blurb about myself.
Here I am, completely unfiltered. I’m easy-going, but sometimes a pissy bitch (the world’s greatest according to my BFF). I don’t take life too seriously. How arrogant of me. I laugh about a lot of things, even when I shouldn’t.
I eat sarcasm for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I carry an Angry Vagina Box to work once a month. I’m positive, but realistic. I’m a fierce friend, but I don’t have time or energy for stupid drama or unnecessary small talk. I’m fun and funny, say the people who laugh at me, but compassionate when I need to be. I read kinky romance books, but I love a good Avengers movie. #TeamCptAmerica I’m all that and a bag of chips, so if you like chi
ps…
“Done. That should do it.” I snicker. “Let’s see what the cat drags in.” I close the app, finally yawning and looking forward to a good night’s sleep. Once the lamp is turned off I drift to sleep, dreaming about a sea filled with all kinds of colorful fish, one sparkly narwhal and an octopus that paints.
Chapter Two
Jack - 2003
“Hey Jacoby?” I say quietly as we sit in the treehouse copying math homework off each other.
“Yeah?”
I’ve been waiting to ask him this question since yesterday, but I had to be certain we were alone first. Going through the foster system as much as I have sucks on so many levels. I may have made it to the eighth grade, but there’s so much I don’t know, and nobody to ask except my new best friend.
“Uh, so…do you know…what a twinkie is?”
Jacoby turns his head towards me like I’m crazy and chuckles. “Duh, man. Yeah. Twinkies are those yellow cakes, remember? With the crème in the middle? We just had some the other day after school…remember?”
“Yeah I know that,” I tell him. “But your brother, Andy. I heard him say to his friend yesterday that some girl was a hot twinkie, and then he started doing this.” I stand up and thrust my hips forward several times in what I know is an inappropriate gesture. I know that because I’ve seen boys at school do it and get in trouble. I’ve also seen it on TV but people are usually laughing when it happens. Jacoby laughs again, causing my face to redden further than it already has.
“Oh that!” he says. “Yeah, Andy told me once that a twinkie is a hot girl that…you know…” He shrugs.
“Know what?” I ask, embarrassed that I have no idea what he’s talking about. Jacoby stares at me for a second, his eyes narrowed as if he’s contemplating something.
“A girl you want to blow your white creme into. Know what I mean?” he explains, repeating my pelvic gesture. I just watch him, befuddled.
“Your dick, dude! Haven’t your parents ever talked to you about sex? Well…maybe not your parents. My dad didn’t talk to me. It was Andy, because my dad is rarely here, but Andy gave me this magazine one day called Penthouse, and told me all about it.”
“Uh…I don’t…I mean, I’ve heard about ssss…ex, but that’s all.” I say the words out loud as quickly and quietly as I can. Damn, this is embarrassing. At least Jacoby is my friend. I trust him.
“Oh man, Schmidt, my brother, he knows like, everything a guy ever needs to know about girls and stuff. I can show you some things. Come on,” he says, smirking as he makes for the ladder leading down to the yard. “Let’s go to my room. I keep that magazine under my mattress. Wait till you see the middle pages! This picture is going to blow your mind.” Jacoby stops suddenly and puts his finger up warning me. “But you better not blow anything else or you’re cleaning it up!”
2016
I can’t believe I’m about to do this. After many years chocked full of awkward distractions that is the female genders, sexual experiences that either left me a hot mess or carrying a heavy set of blue balls, and no emotions other than frustration to go with any of it, I’m finally doing it. I’m about to ask the internet to find me a girl. I’m about to rely on the fact that I can pick and choose the kind of woman I want right down to hair color and the kind of underwear she prefers. It’s as easy as clicking the box next to all the “toppings” I want. It’s people-shopping. I’m about to shop for a girlfriend.
“God, this is like a woman buffet,” I say, feeling a little embarrassed that I even considered logging on to The Watering Hole, an online dating website. Enough advertisements for it have come across my screen when I’m online that I figured why the hell not?
“Username…” I say out loud sitting at my desk. Sampson, my best friend and cutest bulldog ever, lays at my feet, snoring away. “Hmm, I need something catchy...” I take a few minutes to make a list of names that come to mind.
JackneedsJill
JackAttack
JustJack
JackS
Jax
“Jax! It’s like Jack S., but cooler,” I say proudly as I type the username into the computer. I come up with a password and then move on to creating a profile for myself. I have more selfies on my phone than a teenage girl because all I do at night is sit at home and take pictures of myself with Sampson. Who doesn’t like pictures of a guy and his dog, anyway? “Now for a blurb about me. Good God, what the hell do I say here? ‘Nice to meet you, I’m the nerd who can dance, and I never break the rules,’” I joke.
Leaning back in my chair, I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath as I muster up the courage to complete this dating profile. “What should I write, Sam?” I forget sometimes that my favorite four-legged friend can’t actually speak, but I scratch his head as a thank-you anyway. “How about I just go for honesty? Okay Jack, you got this. Let’s do it.”
I’m the guy who pays his rent on time and wears matching socks. I’m a good guy with a strong, promising career and strong set of personal values. I learned how to treat a woman like a queen from my still happily married parents. That being said, I could watch Deadpool once a day if I had the time. I love action movies, but enjoy a good romantic comedy as well. I like to kick back on the water with a beer on the weekends, and playing poker is something I’m starting to excel at. I’m a single father to the best bulldog in town and wouldn’t trade him for the world so if you’re interested, you must love dogs.
“Ok. That’s not so bad,” I murmur, rereading my words through before hitting ‘Submit’. There it is. My profile. Officially on an online dating website. “Please don’t make me regret this.” I plead to the computer gods. Once my profile is created, I take a few minutes to scroll through the women that The Watering Hole says I might be interested in.
“Oh, good grief. Listen to this one Sampson., I tell the lazy dog curled at my feet. “This girl says,”
‘I hope you know how to treat a lady. A great smile is a must as I have all my teeth. You have to have all yours too. Not too much to ask for, is it?’
“Unbelievable.” I laugh as I read down through several other profiles. “Wow. Here’s another one.
I hope you make more than twenty dollars an hour because I’m usually an expensive date, and oh, my God, if you fart in my presence, you can kiss this relationship goodbye. #stayclassy
Laughing, I roll my eyes and mumble, “Well, I guess she’s out.” I lean down and pet my favorite bulldog on the back of his head. He groans in satisfaction. “Sam, I need a girl. Or a friend, but preferably a girlfriend since the only other person I enjoy hanging out with is Jacoby, and he’s a little tied up with his Jenna these days.” Sampson rolls over, exposing his belly, clearly implying that he wants a rub. “I mean, no offense, you’re great to snuggle with, but you don’t smell as good as a woman would. Though from the looks of things maybe this website isn’t for me. Nobody is standing out.” Sampson rolls over and stands up, stretching out his short stubby legs before walking out to the kitchen where I hear him lapping water out of his bowl. Lackadaisically, I scroll through the next group of women, one after another, not seeing anything that catches my eye. That is until I see her.
Dark brown hair, possibly brown eyes, a small diamond nose ring. She’s everything I would probably never go for – and I really only say that because of the nose ring – but for some reason I can’t stop looking at her. Her picture isn’t like the others who have posted their profiles. There are no duck lips. She’s not pushing her chest out for the world to see. It’s not a professional head shot taken from some yuppie photographer in the corporate world. It doesn’t appear that she’s dressed to the nines. It’s just her, plain face with no makeup. It almost appears like she may have just woken up when this picture was taken...or she was just going to sleep. Her hair is splayed around her face in that messy-hair-don’t-care look.
“NoRagrets?” I read her username and laugh loudly. “Please tell me that’s not a typo and that she loves watchin
g We’re the Millers. Damn, that’s a funny movie!”
Here I am, completely unfiltered. I’m easy-going, but sometimes a pissy bitch (the world’s greatest according to my BFF). I don’t take life too seriously. How arrogant of me. I laugh about a lot of things, even when I shouldn’t. I eat sarcasm for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I carry an Angry Vagina Box to work once a month. I’m positive, but realistic. I’m a fierce friend, but I don’t have time or energy for stupid drama or unnecessary small talk. I’m fun and funny, say the people who laugh at me, but compassionate when I need to be. I read kinky romance books, but I love a good Avengers movie. #TeamCptAmerica I’m all that and a bag of chips, so if you like chips…
“You’re kidding! She’s a Marvel fan, huh?” I exclaim. “And kinky romance novels? I wonder if she’s ever read Ashton Jacobs books. Hmm, if things go well, I could get her a signed copy of her favorite book. Or better yet…I could be the guy who introduces her to her favorite author if, in fact, Ashton Jacobs is her favorite.” I chuckle to myself knowing my best friend. “He would tell me he’s everyone’s favorite.”
Although it’s late, I can feel the energy starting to flow back through my body as my interest in NoRagrets grows. I’m sure she’s way out of my league but I want to reach out to her, even if it’s just to say that we have a mutual taste in movies. “But what do I say?” I murmur to myself as I rub the five o’clock shadow around my chin. I click on the chat box near her name and watch as it opens for me to send her a message. “Hmm, she doesn’t like unnecessary small talk…well, hopefully she’ll get my sense of humor.” I chuckle to myself after rereading my message to her. “Now, if she gets it, she’ll write back. If not, at least I took a shot.” I put my laptop to sleep and take Sampson out one more time before heading to bed. With any luck, sometime tomorrow, I’ll hear from the pretty girl with the sparkly nose ring.