by Susan Renee
Chapter Three
Linda
I’m running late for work as usual. I skid into the front parking spot at Speedway like I’m Danica Patrick in the biggest race of her life, and run inside to get my daily Red Bull and bag of cheese Combos. Breakfast of champions, I know.
I shoot Jenna a quick text, knowing full well she won’t answer me until later in the day. There’s no way in hell she’s up this early after her event in the city last night with Jacoby. I’m anxious to hear how it went, though.
“Good morning,” I say to the girl behind the checkout counter. She looks none too pleased to be working this early in the morning either. I feel her pain. She grunts her hello back to me and I pretend I heard her loud and clear. After throwing some money at the ever-so-chipper checkout girl I take my supergirl breakfast to my car and enjoy a few sips of my morning juju while checking my phone for texts or Facebook messages. When I swipe right I see a notification I haven’t seen before. There’s been some sort of contact via The Watering Hole app.
“Huh.” I scrunch my eyebrows. “That was fast. I wonder what kind of creeper is wanting my attention now.” I click on the app to open it and see a yellow chat box spring open alerting me to a private message from a someone named “Jax.”
“Jax.” I say out loud. His message reads:
Jax: YOU KNOW, FEW PEOPLE HAVE THE AUDACITY OR THE BALLS FOR THAT MATTER, TO CALL THEMSELVES ARROGANT, EVEN IF IT IS TRUE. I WONDER IF IT MEANS YOU’RE TRULY ONE HONEST WOMAN EVEN WITH YOURSELF, OR IF YOU’RE SECRETLY FILLED WITH RAGRETS? KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN’?
A smile spreads across my face immediately. “Oh, my God he gets me! There’s no way that’s just a coincidence! He’s seen We’re the Millers. Hahaha that’s awesome.” I want to write back right now, but I hold myself back, at least for a bit. I don’t want to seem desperate by responding so quickly to his message, and I need at least two Red Bulls in me before I even attempt a witty response that will sound genuinely like me. I drop my phone into my pocket and pull out of the Speedway to head to work. Time to face the asshats for the day.
What is this fascination with homemade slime these days? We’re selling out of glue and laundry detergent left and right. I can’t keep it on the shelves. Even as I’m restocking the inventory a young boy, probably not older than nine or ten comes up with his father, and takes ten glue bottles! TEN!
“Hey,” I say to him, smiling. I narrow my eyes playfully suspicious. “Are you by any chance making…slime?”
“Yeah I am. How did you know?” the kid asks, eyes wide.
I can’t help but laugh. “Well, usually kids themselves don’t come in here and buy ten glue bottles at a time, so I had my suspicions.”
“Oh. Yeah.” The kid smiles. “I sell it to my friends.”
You’re shittin’ me.
“The glue?” I ask him.
“No, the slime. You guys are the only ones in town with any glue left. So, I buy a bunch of it and make lots of slime, all different colors, and sell it at recess for fifty cents a bag.”
“No way!” I exclaim. This kid is a genius.
“Yeah.” He nods proudly. “I’ve made ten bucks in profit so far. I use the rest of it to come buy more glue.”
“Wow. Well congratulations. You’re quite the entrepreneur.” I tell him. “Are you saving up for something special?”
“Nah. Maybe a new video game or something like that. I’ll need a little more than ten bucks though,” he says.
“Right. Well, good luck to you then. I hope your little slime business becomes wildly successful.” I shake the boy’s hand and smile with a nod to his father.
It’s the end of my shift before I even think about Jax and his earlier message. I almost feel guilty that I never responded to him, but then again, it’s not like this is anything serious. If he’s a smart man, he’ll know I most likely have a job and therefore am not available during the day. I’ll come up with something to say on my way home. On my way out, I check my phone and see a text from Jenna.
Jenna: It was a very moving experience. More later. Home tonight!
A moving experience? I’m not sure that’s the response I was thinking she would give about a book signing, but nonetheless, thank goodness she’ll be home and can chat later. Since I’m not in the mood to cook anything tonight I decide to stop for Chinese on the way home. I order my usual, General Tso's chicken with white rice, and an egg roll, and make my way home to stuff my face and learn more about this Jax character.
It’s a darn good thing that online relationships are built anonymously at first, with no cameras or video chats, because I look like shit. My hair is pulled up in a huge pile on the top of my head, my work shirt is hanging on the back of my desk chair and I’m lounging comfortably in my pink fleece pants, blue tunic sweatshirt that hangs off one shoulder, and my huge narwhal slippers, because why not? It’s been a cold couple of days to the point that I’ve wondered if we would start to see snow pretty soon. It’s only October, but it’s not like snow hasn’t happened before during this time of the year, especially in New England.
“Ok Jax,” I say as I sit down on the couch, pulling my legs up and resting my laptop on my thighs. “Let’s see who you are.” I click on the message box in my profile to bring up his earlier message, which also brings up his profile picture. It’s bigger now on my laptop than it was on my phone so I can see him a little more clearly.
“Aww I wonder if Jax is his dog.” I ponder, looking at the surprisingly sexy guy with black rimmed glasses and contented smile lying next to his brown and white bulldog. I have to admit it’s a cute picture, but I don’t usually go for the preppy, nerdy types. Regardless, I take a breath and give a simple conversation a shot.
NoRagrets: I’m glad you appreciate honesty! Really, I’m an open book with no shame in my flaws because, well, we all have them, right? So yeah. No Ragrets ;) I’ll own my shit and expect others to do the same. I like to have a good time, but I expect to be respected. I’m a very objective person so I like to ask a lot of questions. No topic is really a hard limit for me past a certain point in a friendship. Like I said, no ragrets.
PS. I didn’t really expect anyone to get my reference, so thanks for not assuming I’m some idiot who can’t spell.
I know I told him I don’t have shame in my flaws, and for the most part, that’s not a lie. I’m not really ashamed that I’ve spent the last several years sleeping around with many different men, or that I couldn’t list all their names if my life depended on it. I’m not really ashamed that I’ve never taken a relationship with a man seriously, or even attempted to look for a good guy outside of a local bar. I’m not really ashamed that I’m still working at The Hole Punch after all these years when I could be doing something else, but have been too scared to look. And in all honesty, I’m not even ashamed that I’m sitting here on this online dating website striking up a conversation with some guy I’ve never met. I’m just not at the point yet that I want to tell Jenna about it. She’ll never leave me alone if I do.
I reread my response to Jax before hitting the submit button, and then switch over to my Facebook account to send a message to Jenna.
Linda: Hey bitch-achos. Are you back?
* * *
Jenna: Yeah! Got back about an hour ago. Just got done in the shower.
* * *
Linda: Hubba Hubba ☺
* * *
Jenna: LOL! No, that was earlier, and last night, but who’s counting? How was work today? Did Kyle make it in?
* * *
Linda: Dang girl, well, it’s nice to know someone is getting a Grade-A hole punch around here. And yeah Kyle came in today. Pretty boring day really.I worked on the inventory a little while Kyle set up some new planograms.
* * *
Jenna: Sounds good. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!
DING!
As I’m typing a response to Jenna, I receive a message through The Watering Hole. “Whoa. That was fast,” I say, raising my eyeb
rows in surprise as I click over to the open site on my computer:
Jax: WOW. YOU’RE DEFINITELY A GIRL WHO KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS. I HOPE I CAN HANDLE IT. NO SHAME IN YOUR FLAWS AT ALL. IT’S A VERY ADMIRABLE QUALITY, THOUGH I WOULDN’T REALLY KNOW, SINCE I’M PERFECT ;)
PS. THAT WAS A JOKE
Ha! It’s cute that he feels the need to tell me when he’s joking since we’re talking online and tones can be misconstrued that way. I’m still hoping deep down, he’s not a yuppie prick. And what’s with the all caps. I feel like he’s screaming at me. At least, I’m reading it that way, which kind of makes everything he says even funnier.
NoRagrets: Thank God, you’re perfect! Less work for me then.
* * *
Jax: OK BE HONEST, DID YOU JUST WRITE BACK BECAUSE OF MY DOG IN MY PICTURE?
His response is surprisingly quick. He’s obviously sitting at his computer as I am.
NoRagrets: Hahahaha! Yes, yes, I did. You caught me.
* * *
Jax: I CAN’T LIE. I USE HIM AS A TRAP TO ATTRACT BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, SO I GUESS WE BOTH GOT WHAT WE WANTED.
PS. THAT WAS A JOKE TOO. IN ALL HONESTY YOU’RE THE FIRST PERSON I’VE EVER SPOKEN TO ON ONE OF THESE SITES.
* * *
NoRagrets: If we’re sharing truths now, you’re the first person I’ve ever spoken to on one of these sites too. Thanks for popping my dating site cherry. So, Mr. Jax, why are we talking in all caps?
* * *
Jax: BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU DIDN’T LIKE UNNECESSARY SMALL TALK SO I TRIED TO MAKE MY WORDS AS BIG AS POSSIBLE.
Hahahahaha! Oh, my God, I think I love this guy. Cute personality and obviously pays attention to detail. Please let first impressions be correct.
NoRagrets: LOL! I think this might be my favorite conversation ever! How can you be single?
* * *
Jax: I promise I’m not some kind of weirdo creep. I just have a busy job, and never took a lot of time to focus on relationships.
* * *
NoRagrets: Oh, well that’s honest. Can’t blame a guy for wanting to climb the corporate ladder. What do you do?
* * *
Jax: Child Advocacy Law. I’m the voice for the young ones who don’t have one.
* * *
NoRagrets: That sounds like something you should be very proud of.
* * *
Jax: It is. I work hard to make sure the defenseless children aren’t being taken advantage of.
* * *
NoRagrets: Should I erase “pretentious prick” from your invisible profile, then? Because there’s no way an asshole lawyer would be interested in helping kids. You must be one of the good ones.
* * *
Jax: Absolutely. Let’s go with that! What about you? What do you do?
* * *
NoRagrets: Well, my degree is in graphic design but right now, I’m living the retail life. I do a little freelance design work on the side.
* * *
Jax: That’s great! I’ve always envied the artsy people who have an eye for design.
* * *
NoRagrets: Yeah, it’s fun and freeing when you’re not being held back by stupid regulations. So, tell me, after reading your profile, have you ever, in your life, worn un-matching socks or are you really that OCD?
* * *
Jax: Is this where I’m supposed to tell you that my Mom taught me to safety pin my socks together when I put them in the laundry so they don’t get separated? Oh man, I may have just reached dork status. I’m a dork, right? It’s okay…I can take it.
* * *
NoRagrets: Ah, a man who can accept his own dorkiness. Refreshing. Do you watch Star Wars too?
* * *
Jax: *Enter R2D2 sounds here* ☺
“Hahaha. Cute.” I grin to myself. “At least he has a sense of humor.”
NoRagrets: Cute. Ok Mr. Child-helping-lawyer-who-wears-matching-socks. Tell me one of your more not-so-perfect moments. And please, for the love of God, and my sanity, if you really are that perfect, come up with a good story so I don’t feel completely inadequate.
Chapter Four
Jack
NoRagrets was right. She does like to ask a lot of questions. “Not so perfect moment.” I laugh. “HA! Where the hell should I start? My whole entire life has been a not-so-perfect moment.”
2006
“Dude, It’s a ninety-seven percent. What are you so upset about?” Jacoby asks as he watches me exchange books and slam my locker door closed. We both turn and head back down the hall to our next class.
“You know why I’m upset, Jacoby. I should’ve been able to ace that test, but instead I missed the easiest question. All because Emily licked her bottom lip and winked at me and I was distracted by my insta-boner.”
Jacoby slaps me on the shoulder and laughs heartily. “Ahhh yes. The insta-boner excuse. I’m sure that’s one Mr. Hoster hears all the time.”
I can’t help but laugh with him. “Shut the fuck up, man, and stop trying to make me laugh. It was stupid of me to let a girl distract me from making good grades. My mom would be pissed if she knew.”
“Yeah well, she doesn’t, so don’t even bring it up. It was an honest mistake and you just read the question too fast. Piece of cake.” Jacoby explains. “Besides, there are much more important things you should be thinking about.”
“Yeah?” I huff. “Like what?”
“Like how Emily obviously wants to put out for you, and tonight might very well be your lucky night.” Jacoby’s eyebrows raise up and down several times. “Her parents aren’t going to be home tonight, man. Tonight, is the night you get laid, Schmidt Stain!”
I stop walking and turn to him. “How do you know her parents won’t be home?”
“Because, dumbass!” He punches me lightly on my upper arm. “Her parents are going to that benefit dinner tonight. Same place your parents and my parents are going. It couldn’t be any more perfect, Schmidt. You have to go for it.”
“Jacoby, I’ve only kissed her a few times. I can’t just rip her clothes off and bend her over.”
“Says who?” Jacoby smirks. I give him a disapproving frown before continuing down the hall to the last door on the left. Art class. “Alright, alright, alright, so maybe tonight isn’t the night for a home-run. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun. She’s clearly interested.”
“You think so?” I ask.
“I sure do, Insta-boner,” he jokes.
“Okay, okay. I get it. Of course, I’ll go for it. I mean, I’ll go for something. I’ll try.” I tell him even though I’m not one hundred percent confident with anything I’m saying. I can’t tell him that, though. He’ll just tell me how disappointed he is that I’m basically a seventeen-year-old super-virgin.
The plan tonight is to go to Emily’s and watch a movie with a few friends. Emily’s parents have always been good about allowing us to hang out at their house. They feel better knowing that we’re safe in someone’s home and not acting like crazy lunatics on the streets at night getting into trouble. Emily chose Pirates of the Caribbean for tonight. I’m pretty sure it’s because the group of cackling girls here have a swoony crush on Orlando Bloom. All I can do is roll my eyes every time one of them sighs at his every word. It’s really not that big a deal though. Emily has had her hand on my thigh since the movie started. Six more inches up and she would be touching my dick. I’m trying very hard not to think about it and instead, cursing the gods who came up with these constricting jeans I’m wearing. What the hell was I thinking?
By ten o’clock, the movie has ended and the girls have all headed home. I figured at the very least, I would help Emily clean up the popcorn and soda cans around the room.
“Hey,” she says when she comes back up the stairs from seeing the girls out. I immediately notice that another button on her button-down shirt has been undone.
“Hey. I put the popcorn in the kitchen and threw away the cans…” I begin.
“I don’t care about tha
t.” She smiles. She walks toward me and grabs my hand, leading me back to the couch where we were. She sits down and pats the cushion next to her for me to sit down. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you since the movie started, and now that we’re alone…” Her voice trails off as her hands start to wander.
Up my thigh.
Insta-boner!
Damn these jeans!
I’m not sure what kind of demon possesses me. Maybe it’s my penis doing all the thinking for me, but I lean forward without even thinking about it and kiss Emily like she’s the air I need to breathe. I don’t even know if I’m doing it right. I never got any kind of kissing lessons, if there even is such a thing, and I’ve certainly never asked Jacoby about it. I figure after watching enough Showtime After Dark in my bedroom, I at least have the basic moves figured out. Her tongue softly rolls around mine, and she doesn’t pull away, so I’m guessing this is good.