by Jacie Lennon
Why do I feel like throwing up?
We aren’t in a relationship. We aren’t even going on dates. I barely know the guy.
So, why am I so nervous?
My phone vibrates on my nightstand, and I glance over, wincing at the jolt of pain that sears through my head as I turn.
Ugh. First order of business today: Tylenol.
Mom flashes across the screen, and I grimace before swiping, already ready to be done with this conversation.
“Hey, Mom.” I scrunch my pillows up some and prop myself up in bed.
“Pepper? Did I wake you? Why aren’t you up?”
“No, you didn’t wake me. I was up,” I fib a little. I mean, technically, she didn’t wake me.
“Is orientation soon?” she chirps in my ear, always so happy in the mornings.
I get my grumpiness from my dad.
“Yeah, it’s next week.”
Just not the orientation you think I’m going to.
“Great. You know, Pepper, I think this move will be good for you. I really hope that you take advantage of all your opportunities.”
And cue the guilt and shame.
“Thanks, Mom. I think this move will be good for me too.”
Up until you uncover my filthy lie and drag me home.
“Your father and I still want to come visit.”
“Oh … well, why don’t I finish getting settled in and start classes, and I’ll let you know when I’m free?”
“Sounds good, honey. I love you. Have a great day!” She sounds like rainbows and sunshine, and I’m feeling like cloudy skies and thunderstorms now.
Why can’t I just tell her what I’m doing?
I don’t want to be a failure—no one wants to be a failure—but my parents believe in me so much, and I can’t bear striking out on my own and disappointing them. Even though I know every minute I continue with this charade, I’m a disappointment.
“Hey, Mom?” I say quickly, deciding to come clean on a whim.
But I’m met with silence. She hung up.
What a tangled web indeed. I roll my eyes as Ben’s words pop into my head, haunting my sad thoughts.
I let my mind drift across the hallway.
Is he still asleep? Is he awake? Is he thinking about me?
Shut up, brain.
I roll over and punch my pillow. Whoever thought it was a good idea to let me move in with a guy who has chiseled abs and a dark, quiet, and broody soul was obviously on crack. Oh, wait, it was me. I was the one who said yes.
I desperately need to get rid of this brewing sexual tension. My stomach is clenching, and I feel tingly as I reach into my nightstand and blindly run my hand around before it connects with my Tylenol. I open the cap and pop two in my mouth, washing it down with lukewarm water from yesterday. I sigh, throwing the bottle back in my nightstand, and then my hand touches the silky bag stashed lovingly in the corner.
I laugh to myself as I pull the bag out, letting it dangle in front of my face as I stare at it.
Is this crossing a boundary when I’m seeing images of Ben in my head?
Obviously, it is. But my roommate doesn’t need to know. I pull the ties apart and release my bullet vibrator from its plush prison. Toggling the button on, I feel the vibrations coursing through my hand as I war with myself over what to do.
“Screw it,” I say.
I reach to push my underwear down to my thighs, slowly lowering the vibrator, which has served me through my long years of virginity and vaginal loneliness.
I touch it to my clit, jumping slightly at the contact and the pleasure it sends through me. I’m already wet after thinking about He Who Should Not Be Named. Otherwise known as Ben. I flash back to when we stood outside my door in the hallway, him wrapped in a towel and little beads of water rolling down his chest through the valleys of his muscles where his six- or eight- or twelve-pack rests.
I let the vibrator slip lower, pushing it through the wetness as it heads to the promised land. Slipping it just inside my pussy, I slide my hand across both breasts, tweaking my nipples and lightly brushing around each areola, imagining strong hands touching me. I let out a moan and throw my head back as the vibrations make me squeeze my legs together. Opening them again, I pull back out to rub it around the sensitive nub of my clit.
I push my free hand between the dip of my breasts as I lightly tickle the skin down my stomach. Moving to my legs, I feel the wetness that has seeped out, coating my thighs. I don’t think I’ve ever been this wet. I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on with a guy or even while thinking about one.
I plunge a finger inside me as I feel myself contract. The pressure builds until I’m coming hard with an audible moan. My legs and arms tingle, and my core clenches with pleasure as I let the sensations settle over me. My skin feels flushed, and I smooth the sweaty tendrils of hair stuck to my forehead back. I turn my vibrator off and lift it away. I thought I would be sated, but I only feel needier. Maybe the vibrator isn’t enough for me anymore.
I jump as my door rattles with a knock.
“Pepper?”
Oh God. Did he hear me?
“Yeah?” My voice comes out as a squeak, and I feel like my whole body is on fire.
“Are you still going with me to pick up Danger today?”
“Yeah, um … yes. What time do you want to leave?” I ask, clearing my throat.
There’s a pause and a rustle as I imagine Ben pulling his phone out to check the time.
“Can you be ready in an hour?”
“Yep, yeppers, yesh,” I say and then smack my palm against my forehead.
I hear a slight chuckle from the other side of the door, and my face flames.
“Okay, the bathroom is free if you need to shower or whatever.”
“Thanks.” I check the time before hopping off my bed and grabbing some clothes from my dresser. I need a quick shower to clear my head and prepare for this time with Ben, so I don’t second-guess everything I just did.
After showering and throwing on some mascara and lip gloss, I stare at myself in the mirror and sigh. I don’t think I can look Ben in the face after what I just did, and now, I’m going to meet his parents. And his dog.
What if Danger hates me? That would be the kiss of death.
I can win over parents, but a dog’s distrust is hard to come back from.
It’s just the nerves talking, I think as they make my belly flitter.
Smoothing the flyaway hair gathered around my temple, I lean over and open the bathroom door, switching the light off. Then, I head to my bedroom to grab some shoes.
I waltz into the kitchen just as Ben puts the coffeepot back on the warmer, two full to-go cups sitting in front of him, and my heart warms.
“Here you go,” he says as he hands me one. “I’m not sure what you take in your coffee.” He shrugs one shoulder.
“A little creamer. Hazelnut is my favorite.”
As if he cares.
“I’ll remember that,” he says, flashing me a smile. A heart-stopping, panty-dropping smile.
God, does he even know the power he wields?
“Ready to go?” I ask, backing away from him a few steps, hoping to break the spell.
“Yep, let me grab my wallet and keys,” he says as he walks back down the hallway.
I take a few calming breaths and shake one hand out. I should have gotten up early this morning to do some yoga.
Who am I kidding?
Surely, if he felt the same way I do, he would’ve acted on it.
Right? Right. I try to convince myself.
But even I know this is playing with fire. We’ve only known each other for a few days, and I need a place to stay more than I need a romantic relationship.
“All right, let’s go.” Ben appears in the doorway.
I smile, shaking my thoughts off, determined to start over. I need to focus on baking delicious food and my career, not good looks and an even better ass. No matter how many times I�
�ve glanced at it when he isn’t looking.
After we climb into his truck, I can feel Ben glancing over at me, but as we pull onto the highway, I pretend not to notice.
“Something wrong?” His deep voice fills the cab of the truck and sends goose bumps skittering across my skin.
“Nope. Why?” I peer over at him.
“Your leg is going about a mile a minute,” he says with a laugh.
I look down to see that my leg is in fact nervously jumping up and down.
“Oh,” I say as I slap a hand down to still my leg. “Sorry. So, tell me about Danger. Does he like people?”
“Yeah, he does. He’ll be your best friend if you feed him, but we have to keep an eye on him and the weight he gains. He can get chunky pretty quickly.”
“Poor Danger. Always having to diet.” I frown and glance over at Ben as he chuckles. I watch his Adam’s apple bob with the sound.
“He’s spoiled. Don’t feel sorry for him.”
I nod and turn my head away to look out the window.
“Hey, um …” Ben says.
I look back, eyebrows raised. “Yeah?” I prompt, curious about what he’s being shy about saying.
“Sorry about last night and telling your secret. I shouldn’t have.” His fingers drum on the steering wheel.
“It’s okay,” I tell him. I already got over it this morning, but it is nice of him to apologize. “I know I need to quit lying to my parents. I almost told my mom on the phone, but she hung up before I could.”
“Why didn’t you call her back?” Ben asks.
I sit there for a moment, tracing my finger around on my leg, stalling.
“Honestly? I’m scared. I have to tell them. I’m just dreading it.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
We sit in silence until Ben pulls into a long driveway, lined with tall trees on either side. We pass a cute mailbox with a tiny windmill on the top of it.
“So, this is where you grew up?”
“Since I was twelve, yeah,” he says with a shrug.
He parks the truck in front of the beautiful white house with a wraparound porch. There are rocking chairs strategically placed on each side of the front door, which is painted a robin-egg blue, and I can imagine myself sitting out here in the mornings with a cup of coffee. I trail my fingers along the stair rail as I walk up the front steps and glance around, taking everything in.
I’ve never seen an antebellum home up close, and to be able to run my hands over it is setting my heart on fire.
The door is thrown open before we even make it to the top of the stairs, and a woman steps out, a smile lighting up her entire face. A small dog runs out behind her, circling us, and I swear he’s smiling. He jumps up, laying his paws on Ben’s leg as he squats to rub his head.
“Hey, Danger. Good boy,” he murmurs, and my heart melts at the sight.
“My Benjamin,” the woman I’m assuming is Ben’s mom says, throwing her arms open.
“Hey, Ma,” he says, standing and walking into her embrace, bending down to wrap his arms around her.
I sink down, whistling for Danger, and smile as he launches himself at me, tongue hanging out.
“This must be your new roommate. You didn’t tell me how pretty she is,” Ben’s mom says as she gives me a once-over and then nudges Ben.
“Uh, yeah. Ma, this is Pepper. Pepper, my mom.” He motions back and forth between us, his face turning a little red.
“Pepper. What a unique name. I love it,” Ben’s mom says as I stand up, Danger still at my feet. She embraces me, smooshing my face against her neck as she heartily pounds on my back. “Please, call me Bet, short for Betty, which is short for Beatrice,” she says with a wink, and I giggle.
Her personality is warm and inviting, and I can’t help but instantly like her. She throws open the front door and ushers us inside, still talking. Now, I get why Ben is so quiet. I’m sure his mom did all the talking for him, growing up. With how much I talk, I realize that might be the pot calling the kettle black on my end, but I think Bet could outtalk even me.
“Now, let me show you around,” Bet says, grabbing my hand in her warm palm and pulling me off to the side. “This here is the foyer, and off to the right is the sitting room, which we don’t do any sitting in, if I’m being honest.”
She gives me a wide grin and pulls me through the rest of the downstairs, leaving Ben standing in the foyer by the door, staring after us.
11
Ben
I jolt out of my trance as a large palm lands on my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts and into the present.
“Benjamin.” My dad’s loud voice reverberates through the large foyer of the house.
I turn into his warm embrace, and we pound each other on the back.
“Hey, Dad,” I say.
“How’s Mark doing?”
I knew he would bring this up. I was just hoping it wouldn’t be at the very beginning of our visit. I haven’t quite gotten around to talking with them about Mark moving out.
“I don’t know, Dad,” I say with a thinly veiled sigh.
“You don’t know?” My dad’s face twists in confusion.
“Have you not heard from him in the last couple of days?”
It’s just like Mark to leave the hard stuff to me.
Why should he take responsibility for his own actions and call his parents to ask for money? Why does this always fall on my shoulders?
“No. What are you not telling us?”
I look at him and then walk us toward the kitchen. We need to sit down for this conversation. I can hear Mom leading Pepper up the front staircase for the grand tour of the second level, talking her ear off.
After taking a seat at the table, I wrap my hand around the cold glass of water that Dad grabbed before sitting across from me.
“What’s going on, Benjamin?” He levels me with a stare, and instantly, I’m a child again, telling him I got my fat lip from defending Mark from the school bully.
“Mark needs money. I’m not entirely sure where he’s staying right now.” My shoulders slump, and I avert my gaze. “I told him to talk to you.”
“We haven’t heard from him. Unless your mother isn’t telling me. Betty!” his voice booms out, causing me to jump.
“Wait, no. Does Mom need to know?” I protest.
Dad stops me with a seething look. “I don’t keep secrets from your mother,” he says.
Of all the days for Pepper to be here.
I hear them clomping down the stairs before Mom sweeps into the kitchen, Pepper right behind her, holding a family picture.
“Ben, you didn’t tell me you have a brother,” Pepper says with a smile aimed at me, and I groan.
Speak of the devil.
“Ben says Mark needs money.” Dad sits back and crosses his arms.
“What? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Mom turns a scowl on me.
“He didn’t want you involved,” I tell her.
I look over to see Pepper’s eyes are wide and darting between the three of us. She looks like a deer caught in headlights.
I swipe a hand down my face.
“Look, Mark and I got into a fight, and I haven’t seen him since, but I have talked to him. He wanted money … to cover some debts.”
“How much?” Mom asks.
I try to scrunch lower in my seat.
Damn you, Mark.
“Ten.”
“Ten thousand dollars?” Dad sits forward, and I hear Pepper gasp.
“Yep,” I say.
We’re silent for a moment before Dad gets up and stalks out of the room.
“I’m just going to go hang outside for a while,” Pepper says, standing at the door.
I nod, watching her leave. I’ve barely known her a week, and she’s already getting to see a small, intimate moment in my life.
“Oh, Benny, why didn’t you call us?” Mom says, sinking into the seat next to me.
“Mark said he was going to. I t
hought maybe, for once, he would be an adult. I told him I could get five but that he needed to talk to you and Dad to try to cover the rest. I can’t keep bailing him out, Ma. I’m going to go broke.”
“I know, sweetie. I know. He needs help.”
I nod. What else could I add to that?
Mom’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears, and it’s like a knife to the gut to see it. I want to shield her from this. I want her to go on believing that her children are doing okay out in the world.
“I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure something out.” She leans over to pat my arm.
I stand up, needing to move and not feel so caged in. I walk to the front door, open it, and peer out, looking for Pepper. Not seeing her, I let the door slam shut again. Walking to the back porch, I hear a rocking chair creaking, and just barely, I can see the top of Pepper’s dark hair sticking above the back of it from her messy bun. I pull the door back and step out, grinning a little when I see Danger perched on her lap, letting her rub his belly while his tongue lolls out of his mouth.
“Has Danger already conned you into some belly rubs?”
Pepper looks over and smiles at me, stopping my breath for a moment. The way the sun frames her body, highlighting her face, makes me want to run a finger over her smooth skin.
“How could I resist a face this cute?” She reaches up to rub his head.
Danger eats it up, leaning up to lick her cheek and making her giggle.
“You’re cute, Danger, but your breath could use some freshening up,” she tells him.
I take the chair next to her. My dog doesn’t even give me a second look before laying his head back down and lifting his front paw, prompting Pepper to keep rubbing. I give him an evil eye before glancing back up to Pepper.
“You know, I was worried he might not like me,” she says, a little smile on her face.
“No one could dislike you,” I tell her honestly, and her smile falters as she looks at me.