Mandy had had a thing for the color white. When I’d asked her why, she had always said it was because no one picked that color as their favorite, and she liked to be different. And different she’d been. She was the first girl at Kensington High to play on a boys’ baseball team. She rode motorcycles and dirt bikes and loved fast cars. On Sundays during football season, I couldn’t tear her away from a New England Patriots game. When I’d tried to make out with her during a game, she would push me away. My brothers had always laughed at me.
Kade had said, “Dude, you have to marry that girl someday.”
A pain as sharp as a tack stabbed me in the chest, but I smiled anyway.
Mrs. Shear touched my hand. “Kody.”
I blinked away the memory.
“I saw your parents at church last week. Your mom tells me you haven’t found a girlfriend yet. As much as I miss and love my daughter, we all have to get on with our lives. She would want you to find that special someone.”
I swallowed the huge-ass lump in my throat. She was right. Dr. Davis was right, and even my father was right. I just couldn’t kick the tight feeling in my chest, and I didn’t know why. I felt like it was just yesterday that Mandy and I had been kissing or lying on the baseball field at Kensington High, laughing and talking about everything and nothing.
“It’s hard,” I said. So fucking hard.
She gave me a hug. “I know. But what helps me is Mandy died doing what she loved, and as much as I hated her riding, I would never have stopped her because motorcycles made her happy. There are risks in everything we do on a daily basis. Just remember that.”
My phone rang, startling both of us. Mrs. Shear let go of me as I fumbled for my phone in the pocket of my jeans. By the time I plucked it out, the ringing had stopped.
“I should call my dad back.” My dad hardly called when he was working unless he needed something. Maybe he wanted me to bring him lunch. I could go for something to eat. “It was great to see you.” I hiked my guitar over my shoulder.
Mrs. Shear gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Take care of yourself.”
Nodding, I hoofed it back to my truck, tapping my dad’s name on my phone. “What’s up?”
“I need you to get to the hospital.” His voice was sharp, but shaky. “I had to take your mother to the emergency room, and someone needs to sit with Raven.”
My hunger pangs turned to nausea as my heart stopped. “Is Mom okay? What happened?” The cemetery narrowed to a pinpoint.
“I’ll explain when you get here.” The phone went dead.
My dad was always the calm one in the family unless the situation involved my mom. I didn’t blame him. My brothers and I were the same when it came to our mom. She’d been so fragile after Karen had died, and rightfully so. She’d been the one to find her daughter dead on the garage floor.
My guitar bounced on my back as I sprinted the rest of the way to my truck. My mind scrambled, while my insides felt as if someone had taken a knife and carved a hole in my gut.
In a flash, I was driving through the streets of Ashford. Thankfully, the neighborhoods were quiet as I tried not to speed through stop signs. Within ten minutes, I was plowing through the emergency room doors like a bulldozer on steroids, trying to regulate my breathing, which was erratic—and not from running.
The minute I was inside, the scent of cleaning fluid knocked me back a step as I searched the room full of waiting patients. A little boy cried on his mother’s lap. Two people waited in line at the information counter. Doctors sped by with nurses at their sides.
I despised hospitals. I hated the atmosphere and the memories that surfaced anytime I was in one. But I wasn’t there to remember how I’d lived in a hospital for quite some time when Sullivan and his cronies had beaten me to a pulp.
My dad was nowhere to be found, which didn’t surprise me. As a psychiatrist, he had several colleagues who worked there, and he knew most of the staff as well.
I dialed his number. “Where are you? I’m here.” I bit on a nail, my pulse still off the charts. If anything happened to my mom, I wouldn’t recover.
“I’ll be right out.” The line went dead.
In less than a minute, he stalked out from a door adjacent to the information counter, with Raven bouncing in his arms. My dad looked like an older version of Kade—tall, light-brown hair, and eyes to match—eyes that were clouded with tears.
Fear writhed through me, creating a large knot that grew tighter and tighter the closer he got. “Tell me.”
Raven extended her arms. “Uncle Kody.” Her bright-blue eyes and smile told me she didn’t know what was going on.
I opened my arms to my adorable five-year-old niece, who was sporting two black pigtails. “Hey, bumblebee.” My brother Kross always called his little girl his bumblebee.
She giggled as she latched her tiny arms around my neck.
“Your mom was experiencing chest pains,” Dad said. “We’re waiting on the doctor now. Can you take Raven home? I’ll let you know as soon as I hear something.”
“I’m not leaving.” No way. I wanted to be there in the event that something happened. I would rather bite my nails and pace the halls of the hospital than wait at home, only to rush through the streets again. “I’ll head down to the cafeteria. Maybe they’ll have some ice cream.” I kept my voice soft and light. I didn’t want to scare Raven any more than she might have been already, although she didn’t show any signs that she was sad or afraid for my mom.
Raven wiggled in my arms. “I want cookie dough.”
“Kody,” Dad said. “Let’s not worry your brothers right now.”
Driving over there, I hadn’t exactly been thinking about my brothers, but they needed to know. Kade would be more furious than anyone if we didn’t call him. If the roles were reversed and I weren’t close by, I would have wanted him to call me. After all, as brothers, we kept each other informed of everything, especially when it came to family. But since Mom wasn’t in immediate danger, it was probably best to wait until she saw the doctor. Besides, Kross and Ruby were out of town for one of his boxing matches, and Kade and Kelton lived in Boston, which was about an hour’s drive, depending on traffic. We didn’t need them speeding down the highway to get there and running the risk of an accident.
Dad vanished through the double doors. With Raven in my arms, I followed the signs to the cafeteria, chills wracking my body. I prayed with each step that nothing was seriously wrong with my mom.
“Uncle Kody.” My niece’s voice was so sweet. “Do you think Nana will be okay?”
Maybe she was a little freaked after all.
“The doctor will take good care of her.” I couldn’t lie to her and tell her that my mom would be fine. If she weren’t, then Raven would always remember that I was the one who said Nana would be okay. Then she would hate me. I wasn’t into lying, anyway. Lies led to distrust, and those were two things I hated. “Maybe the cafeteria will have ice cream that tastes like honey. Because you know bees like honey.” I had to take her mind and mine off Nana.
She rolled her eyes as we navigated the halls of the hospital, passing nurses and doctors, and patients in wheelchairs. “I told you I want cookie dough.”
“Have you been talking to the cookie monster?”
She shrugged. “Maybe.” Then she giggled.
Once in the cafeteria, I set her on two feet and held her hand. She broke free and ran up to the case of desserts and sweets. I would bet she was eyeing the cupcakes. Aside from ice cream, she loved cupcakes. She had helped me bake a batch the week prior.
Two male doctors paid for their coffees then headed toward the tables behind us. I checked the menu. If they sold ice cream, they probably didn’t have cookie dough, only the basics.
Raven ran back to me, pointing at the assorted sweets. “I want that cupcake with the blue frosting.”
I bent over slightly. “What about ice cream?”
She shook her head, her pigtails swinging. “Cupcake, please.”
The young girl behind the counter, who was dressed in a red uniform, removed the cupcake from the case before I could give her our order. “You can’t deny a pretty girl a cupcake.”
I couldn’t. No one in the family could deny Raven much except maybe her mom, Ruby. She was strict with Raven on sweets. “They ruin your teeth,” she’d said many times to her daughter. They also gave Raven a sugar high, and at times, she would bounce off the walls with tons of energy. But I was her uncle, and uncles gave their nieces what they wanted, within reason, of course.
The young brunette helping us asked, “And for you, sir?”
“I’ll take a milk for my niece, and I’ll have a black coffee.” I didn’t go for the fancy coffee drinks. Black and strong was how I liked mine.
I pulled out my wallet and paid. Once the bill was settled, I went to grab Raven’s hand, but she was gone. As I turned, a dark thought flickered through my head. Raven had been kidnapped once by a thug who’d had a beef with her mother, and in a busy place, no less. But the cafeteria wasn’t busy and had only six people sitting at tables that were scattered around the room.
“She’s over in the corner,” the brunette said, seeing what must have been horror on my face.
I spotted Raven standing at a table beside a lady who was picking apart a tissue as though she was plucking the petals off a flower. I faltered where I stood. I blinked what felt like a hundred times then set my sights on the lady in a flowered top.
“You see her?” the cashier asked.
Oh, I saw more than my niece. I muttered curses under my breath, swearing like a sailor because the lady in scrubs could have passed for Mandy. Then I shook off that notion. I had Mandy on the brain, especially just coming from the cemetery.
Blowing out a quiet breath, I collected our food and said thank you to the cashier. As I crossed the room around tables, I kept my eye on the nurse, who was now smiling at something Raven was saying. If I weren’t so darn freaked out by the uncanny resemblance between her and Mandy, I might have been able to hear what Raven was saying.
I set the food on the table beside my niece and the nurse, admiring the myriad of blond, red, and brown colors woven in her long hair.
“Why are you crying?” Raven asked the woman.
I squatted down by my niece’s side. “Let’s leave the lady alone.” I had the urge to run like the wind. For some odd reason, my palms were sweating. I hadn’t felt like this since Mandy.
“She’s a nurse,” Raven said. “Her name is Jessie.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle at my niece, but I dared not look at the pretty lady. I was afraid I would lose my shit since I’d been so emotional at Mandy’s gravesite, and I might do something as foolish as ask Jessie to marry me. Regardless, I couldn’t be rude. Whenever my mom cried, it ripped out my heart, and even though I didn’t know Jessie, I could feel her sorrow as though it were my own. No one should be sad. No one should be crying, and if so, someone should be there to console her or catch her when she falls.
I slowly averted my gaze from Raven to Jessie, and when I did, a sense of relief washed over me, or more like that stabbing pain in my chest subsided to a dull ache. Up close, she didn’t look as much like Mandy as I’d first thought. Her chocolate eyes were darker, she had a pierced eyebrow, a tattoo of a skull on her right ring finger, and thick, full lips, top and bottom.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Jessie. “Raven is a social butterfly.”
Raven stuck her hands on her hips. “Hey, I’m a bumblebee, remember?”
Jessie giggled, setting her chocolate-brown eyes on me. Holy hell. My knees went weak, my mouth went dry, and my heartbeat flew off the fucking charts. The last time I’d gotten that stomach-swirling, light-tingling feeling had been when I laid eyes on Mandy for the first time back in the ninth grade.
“She’s a cutie pie,” Jessie gushed. “She looks just like you.”
And my brother Kelton, and Raven’s daddy, Kross.
Raven slid into a chair opposite Jessie as though she was settling in for a long conversation. “Uncle Kody is a triplet.”
I rose to my full height. “Let’s give Jessie some space.”
Jessie wrapped her long fingers around her coffee cup. “It’s okay. I need to get back to work.”
“Don’t leave,” Raven whined.
Jessie sniffled. “Sorry. My break is over. I have to take care of patients.”
Setting her hands on the table, Raven interlocked her fingers. “Will you take care of my nana? Her name is Eleanor Maxwell.”
Jessie slanted her pretty gaze at me.
Again, my knees wobbled. “My mom was rushed in earlier for chest pains.”
“I don’t work in the emergency room, but I have a friend who does,” Jessie said.
“You really don’t have to go.” Some force of nature was drawing me to her like magnets to metal.
She gave me another groin-throbbing smile. “Sorry. I do.” Then she glided over to the trash can, deposited her tissue and coffee cup, and left.
I dropped into her warm chair, completely dumbfounded that in a matter of minutes, my body had gone through several emotions—shock, a lightheaded feeling, fear, and the urge to take away her sadness. Out of all that, fear resonated the loudest. Of all the women I’d dated over the years, none—not one—had made my heart flip out like Jessie had a moment ago, and that alone made me pause.
I blew out two quiet breaths as I reached over to the other table and grabbed our food. “Here’s your cupcake.”
Raven dove into the chocolate goodie while I opened her milk. Then I took a sip of my coffee, hoping the caffeine would calm my nerves. My mom was in the hospital, today was the anniversary of Mandy’s death, and I had just met a woman—a very curvy, buxom, beautiful, and sad woman—who I wanted to know more about. But I couldn’t go there. I couldn’t risk my heart only for God to take her away from me.
Dr. Davis had counseled me on such thoughts. “You can’t live believing anyone you love will die.”
It was hard to believe otherwise when darkness and despair were the norms in my family. My sister had died. Mandy had died. My mom had spent time in a mental health facility. At times, my mom’s despair had nearly been enough to kill me and the rest of my family.
Concentrate on your music career instead of wallowing in the past. I was trying to develop a positive attitude, to look forward and not back. But I was having a hard time. My goal was to sign with a record label. I’d sent CDs of my songs to various record producers, only to be told they weren’t interested in my music. I had yet to hear from several others. Mr. Robinson, who was a big-time record producer and the father of Kade’s girl, Lacey, had advised me to be patient. At one point, I’d considered applying to Berklee College of Music, and that option was still viable. I knew trying to kick-start a music career without any credentials behind me might be tough, but I wanted to try to make it on my own. I wasn’t into sitting in a classroom all day, either.
“Uncle Kody,” Raven said, bringing me back to reality.
“Yes, bumblebee?”
Her bottom lip trembled. “I want to go see Nana.”
“Good idea.” I was dying to see my mom too, but I wasn’t sure if the doctor would let us in.
I cleaned Raven’s face, gathered our half-eaten food, and deposited everything in the trash can. Once we were in the hall, I lifted Raven in my arms.
“Can we find Jessie too?” Raven asked.
I chuckled. “Nana first.”
The little girl had to be in my head. Even though my heart wasn’t ready to test the waters, I’d been thinking that very thing.
Chapter Two
Jessie
Standing in front of the mirror in the ladies’ room not far from the cafeteria, I took deep breaths in and out. I’d lied to the gorgeous man and his niece when I’d said I had to get back to work. I couldn’t bear their kindness. Not only that, I’d been crying, and as I glanced at myself in the bathroom mirror, I knew I’d made the right
choice to get the hell out of the cafeteria as fast as I could. I looked like crap.
I wetted my hands and combed my hair with my fingers to tame the frizziness. Then I dabbed some water on my puffy, red eyes.
It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.
That one line was on repeat in my head and had been since I was ten, even more so today. I should have just gone home and hidden forever. But then I would have left Dr. Gibbs in a bind, and that wouldn’t have been right.
I removed a hairband from the pocket of my scrubs and twisted my long hair up on the top of my head. I wiped the remnants of mascara from beneath my brown eyes, but I couldn’t do anything to take away the redness around my pupils. I swallowed thickly, willing the tears to go away. I was a blundering mess.
I had to assist Dr. Gibbs with an appendectomy he was performing that afternoon, so I would have plenty of time that evening to cry and wallow. I was about to smooth on some gloss, when my phone danced across the counter with a text from my best friend, Roxanne. Where are you?
I typed in, ladies room down from the cafeteria.
The minute she barreled in, I would sob like a baby. She knew I was waiting on my DNA test results. I shouldn’t have taken the phone call from my gynecologist that morning during a break. I should have waited until the next day when I was off work and had time to curl up in bed with the bad news.
The door flew open, and Roxanne rushed in as if there were a fire. “Well, are you avoiding me? What did the doc say?” Her manicured eyebrows drew down. But when we locked eyes through the mirror, tears immediately brimmed in her yellowish-brown eyes.
Before I could say a word, her arms were around me, and I was sobbing like a baby against her large breasts, inhaling the fresh-scented laundry detergent on her scrubs. Roxanne was my best friend. She had been since grade school. We’d done everything together, even nursing school, although we didn’t work in the same department at the hospital. She was an ER nurse, and I was a surgical nurse.
She levered back. “I’m so sorry. So, BRCA1 or 2?”
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