Only With You

by Alexander, Monica

  “Aww, no. Don’t cry,” Ryder said when he saw me starting to lose it. He wrapped his arms around me in a squeezing hug.

  Then suddenly everything felt a million times better. I tried to ignore how freaking phenomenal his arms felt and how amazing he smelled – all woodsy and masculine and so familiar it made me want to let the tears spill over for a completely different reason. But it was seriously freaking me out at the same time. When had I started noticing how Ryder smelled? I’d just seen him in August, and I hadn’t once had any urges to grab his face and kiss him like I was now.

  I laid my head on his shoulder as he held me, simply basking in the way it felt to be wrapped up in him.

  “I’m sorry, Syd. I didn’t mean to make fun of you. You’re not going to go all diva on me, are you?”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He always knew how to make me laugh when I was feeling like shit, and calling me a diva was a surefire way to do it.

  I pulled away from him and shoved against his chest. “I hate you,” I grumbled, but I couldn’t help smiling as I said it.

  He grabbed me again, pulled me against his chest and lowered his head so his lips were right by my ear. “You love me,” he said, his breath warm and inviting as it grazed my skin.

  I only needed to turn my head and our lips would be inches apart. Damn, but I couldn’t do that. I might have been freaked out, but it would freak Ryder out even more if I were to try and kiss him.

  “You love me,” he repeated. “It’s why you came here instead of going somewhere fabulous for the holidays. What will Celebrity Weekly say when they hear you had macaroni and cheese and boxed wine tonight instead of ringing in the New Year at some fabulous celebrity filled club?”

  I shrugged. “If you don’t tell them, they’ll never know. Besides, I don’t care. I’m sick of everyone caring so much about what I do, who I date, where I go. I need a break from all that.”

  I lied back down on the floor again which prompted Ryder to lie next to me.

  “Well you got one. When do you have to go back?”

  “Not until the sixth. And I’m going to lay low until then. I figure I’ll stay in, order room service, do a little writing. Just hide for a while, you know?”

  “I wish I could stay,” he said, looking wistful all of a sudden. “I miss you. We never get to see each other anymore.”

  “I know! I miss you so much. I haven’t met anyone in L.A. who could replace you.”

  Damn, now he had me feeling bad again. We used to be inseparable, but ever since I’d moved to L.A., and now with him living in Florida, our relationship had been pretty much relegated to the phone. We saw each other twice a year or so when he’d come visit me for a long weekend or join me on tour for a few days, but that was it. And being here with him now made me realize how much better life was with him around.

  I hated that he’d decided to go to college on the East Coast. He’d gotten in to UCLA, Oregon and Washington, but in the end, he’d picked the University of Florida. I’d been voting for UCLA for obvious reasons, but my vote hadn’t carried enough weight, I suppose.

  His jaw dropped in offense. “You’d better not replace me.”

  “No way,” I said sincerely. “You’re right, I love you too much.”

  He beamed at me, and his stupid, sexy dimples popped out once again.

  “You’re sure you have to leave tomorrow? You can’t stay one more day?” I pleaded, suddenly wanting to grab onto his shirt and never let him go. He couldn’t go back to Florida if I was holding onto him.

  He nodded. “Yeah, I have to get back. You know, buy my books, figure out where my classes are, and we’ve got Spring Rush coming up.”

  “I can’t believe you joined a frat. It just doesn’t seem like you.”

  He shrugged. “Nah, the guys are cool. Frats are big in the south, and they’re not what you’d expect. It’s just guys hanging out, drinking beer and playing video games most of the time. And we have parties a lot. It’s cool. You should come visit and see for yourself.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, right. I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

  I could just imagine what would happen if I set foot on a college campus, let alone at a frat house. It would be mayhem. I got recognized everywhere I went. The paparazzi trailed me constantly, and my fans, who were incredible in their own way and probably just wanted to meet me, could be a little intense. I rarely went anywhere without security anymore. I wouldn’t subject Ryder or his friends to that kind of craziness.

  Ryder rolled over and propped his head up on his elbow. “Why not? No one believes me when I tell them that Sydney Chase is my best friend, even though I have the pictures to prove it. They think I just have some weird obsession with you.”

  “You do,” I teased, poking him in the stomach.

  Of course my finger was met with taught muscles. Fantastic. Ryder had a six-pack now. Great.

  “Whatever,” he said, grabbing my finger and squeezing it for a few seconds before he released it.

  “It’s fine. I get it,” I said, continuing to tease him. “I know you’ve been in love with me for years, biding your time, just waiting for me to tell you I feel the same way. Don’t try to hide it.”

  I giggled, that last tequila shot having gone to my head rather quickly. Had I been more coherent, I might have noticed the dark cloud that passed over Ryder’s face as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but I didn’t see it. I wasn’t looking for it at all.

  “Yeah, right,” he joked. “That’s exactly how I feel.”

  He rolled over onto his back then, and I followed suit, looking up at the ceiling. I’d seen that ceiling so many times as a kid, and I’d actually missed it. It was weird to miss something like a ceiling, but Ryder had long ago put up those glow-in-the-dark stars that spelled out Ryder + Sydney, and just seeing the words made me feel at home. I noticed he’d also added a poster of me over his bed.

  “It’s why you have that creepy poster on your ceiling,” I teased.

  “Creepy, nothing. That’s my best friend you’re talking about. Be nice.”

  Okay, so that was kind of sweet. If he’d have been straight, I might have wondered if he stared up at me while he jerked off, which was an image I didn’t want in my head – or maybe I did, since now that I thought about it, it sounded kind of hot. Not that it mattered, though, because there was no way I was the image in Ryder’s head when he got off. I didn’t have a penis.

  I turned my head to look at him. I knew I should just say what was underlying in my twisted mind without giving away how much I suddenly wanted to rip his clothes off so I could see the amazing body I just knew was hiding under there.

  “I’ve really missed you, babe,” I told him honestly, banishing the thoughts of what it would feel like to run my hands up his bare chest. Ryder had always had a slight build, but somewhere between starting college and now, he’d filled out, and the way his green t-shirt stretched over his chest and hugged his arms let me know how fantastic he probably looked when he was shirtless.

  He took my hand in his then, eliciting those tingly feelings once again, but I pushed them away. I couldn’t get wrapped up in them. I’d never be able to have him like that, but it was okay. Aside from how hot I suddenly thought he was, what I liked more was the comfort that came from being with someone familiar who I knew loved me unconditionally – the real me, not the me who was portrayed for the world to see. Ryder knew all of my faults, my fears, and the secret parts of me that I’d never let anyone else see.

  He looked over and met my gaze then. “I’ve missed you too. We should make time to see each other more often. I don’t like going for months at a time only talking on the phone.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “My life is just crazy. You know that. If I’m not recording, I’m rehearsing or writing music or doing a photo shoot or an interview. Awards season is coming up, and I’m opening The Grammys, plus I’m performing at the Oscars since the song I wrote for that movie Shameless is nominated
. Then there’s the tour.”

  As I talked, I took notice of how Ryder’s dark hair fell over his forehead. He was so cute, it was painful to look at him and not be able to touch him like I suddenly wanted to.

  Wow, that had to be the alcohol talking.

  “Sounds like a hard life. I’m taking Organic Chemistry and Calc III this semester,” he said glumly.

  “That’s because you’re a smarty-pants Environmental Science major for some unknown reason,” I teased him.

  “Actually I’m double-majoring in Environmental Science and Poly Sci,” he corrected me, and I rolled my eyes.

  Ryder was one of the smartest people I knew. He had grand dreams of being an environmental lawyer, so he’d decided to dual major as an undergrad. He was the only person I knew who got excited about things like the ways humans could positively affect global warming and what we could do to prevent certain animals from going extinct. It was actually kind of admirable – and a little adorable when he got on a roll talking about something he was passionate about.

  “You’ll ace those classes, and you know it,” I told him.

  “I guess,” he said, shrugging. “It’s just going to be a lot of work.”

  I noticed he didn’t refute my statement, because he knew he’d ace his classes. It was one of the things that honestly made Ryder so sexy to me. I loved how smart he was, and where I was artsy, he had a science brain and had always been good at the things I failed at. But we’d always complimented each other so well.

  Growing up, he’d been this scrawny, nerdy boy who was shy and quiet, but he was so sweet, and I loved him so much. I liked to think that I helped bring him out of his shell with my fearlessness and ambition. And he’d definitely come into his own in the past few years. The once skinny, scrawny guy had grown into a sexy twenty year-old with a killer smile and a body to match. He was still shy though, and I wondered if he knew how he looked to the outside world, if he knew just how hot he was. I had a slew of friends who’d seen his picture and told me how gorgeous he was. Whether Ryder knew it or not, he was beautiful.

  I rolled over onto my side so I was facing him. “If you need a break, you’re welcome to come on tour with me while you’re on summer break. It might be nice to have a friend around.”

  It was ironic that I was saying that since when I was on tour, I was never really alone. There were tons of people around – my manager, my publicity team, my hair and make-up people, my stylist, the band I’d played with for four years, plus all the back-up dancers and the gigantic supporting crew that did all the other things that were so vital to making a tour successful. I had a lot of friends in that group, but I never really felt like I had anyone I could really talk to – at least no one like Ryder.

  I was guarded by nature, only letting certain people in, and it took a lot for me to open up. I’d been burned by people early on in my career, so now I kept a lot of people at arm’s length until I could get to know and trust them. Except Whit. I’d trusted him from the start and let him in, and that had been a huge mistake. I wasn’t going to do that again. I figured it would be a long time before I let myself fall for another guy.

  “Yeah right. I’ll come on tour with you. Sure,” Ryder joked.

  “I’m not kidding, Ry. It would be so much fun to have you there,” I said, the idea suddenly sounding like the best one I’d ever had.

  He’d visited me for a week the summer before while I’d been touring, and we’d had a blast. Just the prospect of having him there for the whole summer sounded incredible.

  “As amazing as that sounds, I can’t. I’m taking classes this summer,” he said, bursting my bubble and making my face settle into a pout. “But I will come see your shows in Orlando, Tampa and Jacksonville. You promised me tickets to those, remember?”

  All three cities were in driving distance from his school, so he’d be able to come to them. As soon as we’d finalized the tour dates, and I knew when I’d be near him, I’d called and told him to mark his calendar.

  “I’ll do better than that. You can just be backstage the whole time. That way we can hang out before and after the show.”

  “Done. I’m in. For three nights in late April, you’ll have your number one fan cheering you on.”

  I reached out and ran my free hand back through his shaggy brown locks. His hair had gotten longer since I’d last seen him, and I liked it. Ryder closed his eyes, as I raked my nails against his scalp like I used to do all the time. We’d always been playful and touchy-feely with each other while we’d been growing up. I’d even slept in the same bed as him countless times – until we hit puberty and our parents put the kibosh on that option – but even still we were always cuddled up when we were around each other.

  It was how I’d known early on that Ryder was gay. He never once made a move on me, and he’d had ample opportunities. Of course, I’d never liked him as more than a friend, so I hadn’t wanted him to make a move, but I was thankful his sexuality allowed us to be cuddly without things getting awkward

  At first I just figured maybe he didn’t like me in that way, but when he never dated any other girls, I just knew. We’d been so young that he’d never come out and said he was gay, but it had just become this unspoken thing between us that we both accepted.

  I wished he’d find someone, but each time we talked, he never brought up anyone he was seeing. He was so awesome and cute though that I wondered how long he’d continue to stay single. There had to be some guy at the University of Florida who was just waiting to scoop him right up.

  “Will you stay the night,” Ryder asked then, and I nodded.

  I had a hotel room that I’d stayed in for the past week, but I really wasn’t in a state to drive anywhere, and a part of me really wanted to snuggle up next to my best friend and fall asleep breathing in his familiar scent. It had been a long time since I’d felt truly at home with another person, and for me, Ryder was home. I just had to put my sudden inappropriate feelings aside for the night. They’d probably be gone by morning anyway. It was probably just the tequila.

  “Sure, I’ll stay,” I said, smiling at him.

  Ryder smiled widely in return. “Cool.”

  He sat up then and went over to his dresser. He rifled through his drawers for a few seconds before tossing me a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in. I begrudgingly got up from my spot on the floor, only because I was tired, and moving to the bed sounded more comfortable. I ducked into his bathroom, changed and came back out to find him in bed, the only light in the room coming from his bedside table. He pated the empty space next to him, and I slid under the covers, right up against him. Then he reached up and turned off the light.

  “If my friends could see me now,” he joked, and I elbowed him lightly in the ribs before turning to face him.

  I knew I didn’t have to worry about Ryder telling anyone that I’d stayed at his house. He hated the gossip about me more than I did. Of course, he read almost everything that anyone ever wrote, which was probably not healthy. Sometimes he told me about what he read and sometimes he didn’t, because he knew it would hurt my feelings. I’d long ago stopped reading gossip, but sometimes I couldn’t help but see it on the cover of magazines when I walked through the airport or signed onto the Internet.

  “Hey you,” I said softly, my head still buzzing a little from the tequila. I could just make out his features in the soft moonlight streaming through the window behind his head.

  “Hi,” he said sweetly, and I just wanted to scoop him up in my arms and hold him for hours. I needed that closeness that only he could give me, that I hadn’t had in so long.

  But it was then that things started to spin a little out of control, and I wasn’t sure what was happening. Then Ryder was closing the distance between us, and not in friendly way. He was pressing his lips to mine and wrapping his arm around my waist to pull me closer. I was so caught off-guard that I didn’t have time to process what was happening, but I was fully aware of the fact that I’d never had a kiss
like that before.

  Then suddenly, his tongue was pressing against my lower lip, seeking entrance into my mouth, and I opened to let him in not even pausing to think about what that meant. Our tongues met, and fireworks shot off, igniting a spark that I hadn’t even known was there.

  Holy shit, he was a good kisser.

  Strong arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me flush against his body, and our legs tangled together. My hands instantly went up into his hair, as if they had a mind of their own, gabbing for some piece of him, doing what I could to pull him as close as I could get him and just keep him there.

  It was almost like I wasn’t actually conscious of my participation. I was there, I was going through the motions and feeling everything, but it was as if I was floating above my body, scratching my head going, ‘What the heck is happening here? I like it, and I don’t want it to stop, but just what the heck?!’

  Ryder closed out the kiss before I could react further, and I let my hands fall from his hair. He pulled back to look at me shyly, and then his smile faded.

  “Sorry,” he said quickly when his eyes met mine, and he looked like he might be sick.

  Why did he look sick? Had he hated kissing me that much?

  “I just – I kind of always wanted to know what that would be like,” he mumbled.

  I nodded, understanding dawning on me. I didn’t think he’d ever kissed a girl before, and he felt safe with me. He wanted to know what it was like. And judging by the look on his face, I didn’t think he’d liked it at all. Which was too bad, because I’d freaking loved it. I’d waited my whole life for a kiss like that. I’d written songs about kisses that swept you off your feet, but I’d never truly experienced one for myself until that moment.

  Ryder was turning away from me then. “Ry?” I questioned, reaching out to place my hand on his shoulder. He flinched. “What’s wrong?”

  I knew it was weird for him, but he shouldn’t be embarrassed. I wasn’t upset. I’d rather he experiment with me, with someone he felt comfortable with, than some random girl who wouldn’t understand what he was doing.