Only With You

by Alexander, Monica

  “Come on,” she said. “Let’s get you a drink, and I’ll introduce you to the new people with us on this tour.”

  I smiled politely, but then she took my hand, and the electricity I felt from touching her surged through me, making me smile a genuine smile. She stopped and stared and me for a few seconds, her big brown eyes alight with happiness as she hugged me from the side, her arms wrapping around my shoulders before she pulled back and looked at me.

  “Ry, I’ve missed you so much. Can we not do that again? I mean, I know New Year’s was so weird, but I don’t want something like that to affect our friendship. You’re the most important person in my life, and not being able to call you and talk to you has been torture. Can we just go back to the way things were?”

  God, I was so conflicted. The sweet scent I recognized as the perfume she’d launched the year before, mixed with the familiar sweetness that was just her, was assaulting my senses in a way that was so bad and so good at the same time. Talk about torture in and of itself. I knew letting her back in might be hard with the knowledge that it would only be as friends, but she was right, things sucked when she wasn’t in my life. And no matter how hard it might be to stand a foot from her and not be able to kiss her full, pink lips, I’d take it over not having any contact at all.

  “Yeah, of course we can do that,” I said good-naturedly.

  She smiled a huge, wide smile and hugged me again. “Thank you!”

  Then she took my hand again, but even though I knew it was platonic, a sick part of my brain treated it like so much more.

  “Come on. Let’s get you a drink, and then I’ll introduce you to everyone,” she said, dragging me forward. “Of course you’ve met a lot of them before, but there are also a lot of new faces on this tour.”

  We stopped by the bar where she mixed me something strong. I didn’t care what it was as long as it numbed my senses. My beer buzz had worn off, and I thought I might need something to take the edge off if I was going to have to mingle with her friends and be social all night – especially if her boyfriend came back over.

  An hour later, I’d talked to so many people that I couldn’t keep them all straight – back-up dancers, roadies, the other guys in Paul’s band – they’d all wanted to chat. So I talked, and I drank, and before long, I was pretty damn drunk which made the whole night seem much more tolerable.

  When Sydney and I got a break and were finally standing alone in the kitchen with only a few people nearby, I leaned against the counter and crossed my arms over my chest. “So, is this the norm for you guys these days? Party after each show?”

  I’d been to her shows in the past, but we’d never done anything like this after the concert. Usually it was just Syd and me hanging out in her room or going out to little hole-in-the-wall diners to get breakfast at midnight. Syd loved pancakes, and since she didn’t really eat before her shows, she was always up for late night snacking.

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh, God no. This was all Paul’s idea. We’re on a week break after the concert in Jacksonville, and a lot of people are taking time off to go home, so he wanted to get everyone together for a blowout to celebrate the tour so far.”

  “Has it been good? The tour, I mean?”

  I didn’t want her to think I meant her and Paul, because the last thing I wanted to hear about was their sex life. I had a habit of never talking to Syd about girls I dated, but she didn’t really extend me the same courtesy. But then again, why would she? She wasn’t pining away over me, hoping one day I might notice her. I, on the other hand, would always hold out hope that one day she might see me differently, and if that day came, no matter who I was with, I wouldn’t think twice about ending things with them to be with Syd.

  Sydney smiled. “The tour has been great. So amazing, and the fans are just the best. What did you really think of the show the other night? Did you honestly like it?”

  I smiled. “You were incredible, Syd. Dynamic. But that’s just who you are. When you’re on stage, you light up.”

  I instantly regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. I actually watched her cheeks color as I’d spoke and wondered if it was too much. Would she think I was acting on my inappropriate crush once again? That was pretty much the last thing I wanted.

  “Ry,” she said, looking down at the floor.

  God, my nickname on her lips was literally its own form of agony. She was killing me. Thankfully her cell phone chose that moment to ring, and she dug it out of her back pocket.

  “Hey Dil,” she said cheerfully, no doubt excited to have an excuse not to talk to me for a few minutes.

  Damn me, and my stupid mouth. I always said too much, gave too much away. I was like a freaking open book.

  “You are? . . . Okay . . . Tomorrow night? Really?”

  Her eyes lifted and she met my gaze as I watched her on the phone with whoever she was talking to.

  “You did?” she said, her eyes going wide. “Oh no, babe. I’m so sorry to hear that. . . Oh, that’s no good. . . Celebrity Weekly? Really? . . . Yeah, I totally get it. No worries. Just come backstage tomorrow. . . Yeah, we’ll make it right. . . Okay. . . Okay . . . Love you too. Bye.”

  My radar was suddenly up. Who did she love, and what was happening tomorrow night?

  When she hung up, she smiled politely at me. “Sorry about that.”

  “Everything okay?” I said as casually as possible.

  She shrugged and looked around for a second before her gaze shifted back to me. “Yeah, I guess. Dillon was photographed in Detroit fighting with a girl at a restaurant – some friend of his – and now the media is buzzing about us breaking up. He’s going to fly in tomorrow, and we’re going to sing a duet. You know, squelch any rumors that things aren’t okay with us.”

  “Dillon?” I questioned.

  She smiled, and it broke my damn heart. “Yeah, my boyfriend – Dillon Paulson, from Westside.”

  Right, the boy band douche. Great. I thought they’d broken up.

  “But, I thought you were seeing Paul?” I questioned.

  What did it matter who she was seeing? She had a boyfriend, and even if she didn’t, she wouldn’t want me.

  She looked at me for a few seconds before she burst out laughing. “Oh, my God! That is hilarious. You’re too funny,” she said, kicking me in the shin with her toe.

  Oww, my shin – and my heart.

  “Um, what’s so funny?” I asked, feeling like I’d been left out of an inside joke.

  “Paul is not my boyfriend.”

  “But I saw you two holding hands in Celebrity Weekly a few weeks ago.”

  She looked at me skeptically. “You know you can’t believe everything you read, Ry. And I hold hands with my friends if you remember.”

  She called me Ry again. I freakin’ loved when she did that. Damn. And she’d referenced us holding hands. I loved holding her hand. I wanted to hold it right then.

  She shook her head. “Seriously, those were just rumors since Paul and I get along so well. He’s actually gay.”

  Paul was gay? I hadn’t picked up on that, but then again I’d never had very good gaydar.

  “Good to know,” I said, because I wasn’t sure what the hell else I was supposed to say.

  “And I’m still with Dillon. He’s a really great guy.”

  Awesome.

  “Cool,” I said, because I literally couldn’t think of anything more enlightening to say.

  I hated that she was with Dillon. Absolutely hated it. And truthfully, I wasn’t sure I could take much more of this.

  I looked down at my watch. Thankfully it was late enough for me to excuse myself without looking like a jerk, and after Sydney’s announcement that her boyfriend was coming the next night, I sort of just wanted to jet. I was kind of tired of pretending that I was okay with how things were between us when I wanted so much more.

  “Um, so I should probably go,” I said then. “I’m sure Jake’s wondering where I am.”

  Ye
ah, I was sure Jake didn’t give a shit where I was. He was most likely balls-deep in the girl he’d been making out with, and if he was thinking about me while he was doing that, then we had a problem.

  Sydney smiled. “Well, we can’t have that now, can we? Are you okay to drive?”

  “Sure,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure that was the case. I also didn’t know where Jake was. He hadn’t texted me the address of the girl’s apartment.

  Syd reached out and pulled me against her, hugging me tight. “It was so good to see you, Ry. We should do this more often.”

  Yeah, right.

  The evening had been painful, but I wasn’t sure what was worse, having Sydney in my life as my friend and being constantly reminded that I couldn’t have her or not having her around at all. Yeah, I knew the answer to that question, because I’d lived through the past few months not having her in my life. I couldn’t do that again. Maybe over time it would get easier to be around her. Maybe not, though. I figured I’d just have to learn to deal with it like I had been for the past seven years.

  “Yeah, totally,” I said, nodding my head.

  The she smiled again, that same heartbreaker smile that got me every time. “In fact, we should do this again tomorrow night,” she suggested.

  “We should?”

  I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. Seeing her twice in three days had been tough enough, but a third night and the fact that her hot, boy band boyfriend was coming to town would just make it harder. I wasn’t ready to see yet another guy’s hands on her. It was bad enough seeing her flirt with Paul, and she wasn’t even dating him.

  “Yeah, absolutely. You can come to the show in Jacksonville. Bring Jake. I’ll leave two tickets for you at Will Call.”

  “I don’t think–” I started to say, not sure Jake would be up for another concert, even though he had offered to go with me earlier in the night.

  Sydney’s hand came up to cover my mouth, making the rest of my protest muffled and incoherent. “No buts. I want you there, front and center, so I can have a cute focal point while I’m on stage.”

  Cute? Did she just call me cute?

  “I’m sure Jake’s not too hard on the eyes either,” she said, her eyes twinkling. “It might be nice to have two of the hottest guys in the place to stare at all night.”

  Huh? What the hell was that? But, oh, hell no. I was definitely not bringing Jake. Not if she thought he was hot. But, then she’d just said that she thought I was hot. And she had a boyfriend. I was massively confused all of a sudden.

  “Uh, okay, yeah. Sure.”

  What was I saying?! What the hell was I agreeing to?

  Sydney jumped and clapped her hands a few times. “Yay! Awesome. We can totally hang out after the show, maybe do something low-key like go to a diner and get pancakes?”

  She raised her eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but smile. That actually sounded pretty great to me.

  “I’m sure Dillon and Jake will get along. Dillon’s such a nice guy.”

  Oh look, the other shoe just dropped.

  I’d completely spaced on the fact that it wouldn’t just be Syd and me hanging out after the show. Her boyfriend would have to come too. She couldn’t exactly ditch him – not that she would even want to. That sucked, and now it seemed like a black cloud would be hanging over the whole next day. I didn’t really want to go to the concert, but I didn’t have much of a choice. I’d already said yes, and the last thing I ever wanted to do was let Sydney down.

  “Can’t wait,” I told her.

  Chapter Nine

  Sydney

  I needed to be on the bus in twenty minutes, but I didn’t feel like leaving my hotel room to go down and meet everyone else. I’d likely head down at the last second, feign a hangover and slide onto the couch with my headphones and sunglasses on. I’d been crying the night before after everyone had left my suite, and my eyes were puffy. Things with Ryder had been so awkward. It had just made me sad.

  I’d gone out on a limb when I invited him to the concert that night. It was a vain attempt to see if we could get back to normal, to the way things were before, but I wasn’t sure that could happen. Things were so weird between us. It was like there was this tension that I couldn’t pinpoint. It had been almost five months since we’d kissed, but it seemed like what had happened that night was still looming over us. And I didn’t know how we were supposed to get past it.

  He’d been polite and cordial the night before, but it was nothing like how he used to be. The easy banter, playful joking and gratuitous touching weren’t there. We were formal and unnatural around each other. But maybe this was what happened with childhood friends when you grew up. Maybe our lives were so different that we didn’t have as much in common as we used to, and maybe the fact that we didn’t speak for so long cemented the fact that we weren’t going to be friends for the rest of our lives.

  I figured I’d give it one more shot after my show that night. Maybe Dillon could give us some time alone. I wished he wasn’t coming, because there was nothing more I hated than acting out our fake relationship, but he’d been home in Detroit for a concert and had gotten into a fight with his girlfriend in public. The media had witnessed it and printed the pictures, making it seem like they were in a lover’s quarrel, which looked bad since he was supposed to be dating me, not some girl in Michigan. She’d apparently threatened to end things with him if he didn’t tell his management team to fuck off, but I knew his hands were tied. He loved her, and he wanted to be with her, but they were giving him a hard time.

  Maybe Dillon and Ryder’s boyfriend Jake could hang out with Paul and the guys from Star Finger. They’d probably all get along well. That would give Ryder and me some time to talk. Maybe we just needed to clear the air.

  My phone dinged as I was looking around the room to see if I’d forgotten anything. I grabbed it off the bed and looked at the screen. It was a text from Ryder.

  I’m sorry. I can’t make it tonight. Frat thing came up. Maybe next time.

  I sank down on the bed and dropped my shoulders. That was it. He was blowing me off. I hated the feeling, but the worst part was that I always felt this way. I was always getting rejected by guys, and I was tired of it. Of course, this was different. Ryder wasn’t into women, which made it worse because he was blowing me off as a friend, not as a girlfriend.

  With a heavy heart, I gathered up my huge Marc Jacobs tote and left the suite, sliding my sunglasses on as I closed the door behind me. Pablo, my main security guy, was waiting outside.

  “Ready Sydney?”

  I nodded. My throat was so thick that I was afraid if I spoke, Pablo would know I was about to lose it. It was going to be a long day.

  * * *

  That afternoon Dillon showed up in my hotel suite and collapsed on my couch in a heap.

  “I hate this,” he grumbled, and then he looked up at where I stood drinking a bottle of water in the kitchen. “No offense.”

  I shook my head, walked over to him and perched on the arm of the couch. “None taken. I’m only doing this because there isn’t anyone in my life. If I had a boyfriend who my management team told me I couldn’t be with, I’d feel the same way. Even if you are adorable.” I said the last part in a baby voice and poked his cheek with my index finger.

  “Stop it,” he said, giggling and swatting my finger away. At least he was smiling.

  He sat up and leaned his head back against the couch. “Meredith is so pissed. She’s seriously going to break up with me. I know it.”

  “Is it worth it?” I asked him, and he looked up at me for a few seconds.

  “Is what worth what?”

  I slid down next to him and tucked my feet under me. “Well, you have this awesome chance to make it in the music world, but you can’t be with the girl you love. That sucks, but I think you have to ask yourself how much she loves you if she won’t support what you need to do to achieve your dreams.”

  He rolled his head so he was looking at m
e. “She doesn’t understand this world. Hell, I don’t understand it half the time. I was so naïve when I signed that contract. I was so excited to have been chosen to be in Westside that I didn’t think it through. I never expected this.”

  “But Meredith knows we’re not really together, right?”

  He shrugged. “I told her, but she doesn’t always believe me. She’s always been the type of girl who took the tabloids at face value. She couldn’t even fathom that fake relationships like this happen in the real world, unbeknownst to so many people.”

  “It happens all the time.”

  “I know. I know that now, and a part of me knows she gets it too, but this whole thing is still hurting her. She hates that we have to pretend to just be friends when we’re out in public, and only our families can know the truth. All of our old friends either think I’m a giant dick for breaking up with her for you, or they think I’m the shit, because I’m supposedly sleeping with you, but they’d never tell her that.”

  Poor Dillon. He looked like he hadn’t slept in a few days, and his hair was sticking up at odd angles because he kept running his hands through it.

  “How’s the tour going?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “It’s great. We’re selling out venues, the fans are awesome, and it’s so much fun getting to sing on stage each night. I love it. I just wish Mer could understand that. Shit, I even managed to get her backstage for our show in Detroit, but it wasn’t good enough. I don’t know what she wants from me.”

  I did.

  “Do you want me to talk to her?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. She sort of hates you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course she does.” Then I grabbed my phone and dialed my manager. “Hey Chris.”

  “Hey Syd. What’s up?”

  “I need a favor. Can someone send an airline ticket to Meredith Kendrick, you know, Dillon’s girlfriend, so she can fly down here tonight? Get her on the next flight out of Detroit.”

  Dillon sat up straight and looked at me with wide eyes. “Are you serious?” he asked, and I just waved him off.

  “Yeah, sure Syd. We’ll get right on it,” Chris told me.