Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes
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• KRISTEN, AGE 10
Q: What do you call a man with no shins?
A: Toe-knee.
• PAUL WALSH
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of idiots?
A: Knock on the door.
• DAMIAN SHORTEN
Q: What’s round and bad-tempered?
A: A vicious circle.
• DEBBIE BRIDEN
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
• COMEDIAN DAVID O’DOHERTY
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
A: Fa drizzle.
• DAVID LOWENSTEIN
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
• KYLE NEAGLE
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
• TERRY SANGSTER
Q: Why did the Pope cross the road?
A: He crosses everything.
• TOM FLITTER
Q: What did one DNA say to another DNA?
A: Do these genes make me look fat?
• GARRISON KEILLOR ON “PRARIE HOME COMPANION”
Q: How do you stop a snake from striking?
A: Pay it a livable wage.
• CINDY PARISEAU
Q: Why did the Siamese twins go to London?
A: So the other one could drive.
• BUDDY BOLTON ON WWW.COMICSTRIPLIVE.COM
Q: How is a cheap violin like a jury trial?
A: Everyone sighs with relief when the case is closed.
• EARLE HITCHNER
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends on how many it took under the previous administration.
• MIGUEL GONZALAEZ SZAMOCKI
Q: What happened to the man who crossed the Alps with his elephants?
A: He got mountains that never forgot.
• PETER CROMPTON
Q: Why is it that batteries are better than men?
A: Because they, at least, have a positive side.
• UMA
Q: What’s gray, has four legs and a trunk?
A: A mouse on vacation.
I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
FRED ALLEN
Q: Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
A: Girl: Yes, February 14th.
Q: How far can a fox run into a grove?
A: Only halfway–then he’s running out of it!
Q: I travel all over the world, but I always stay in my corner. What am I?
A: A stamp.
Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales.
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball.
Q: What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.
Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
A: Hailing taxis.
Q: What’s the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer?
A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a goose.
Q: What’s an astronaut’s favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The spacebar.
• AKHIL GUPTA
Q: What did the scientist say to his stubborn, argumentative clone?
A: “Why can’t you be a reasonable facsimile?”
• MARK SOLOMON
Q: What do you call someone who has just printed 1000 puns off the Internet?
A: Well e-quipped.
• J.C. PICKETT
Q: What’s the best way to describe a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. a woman.
• JANICE WILSON
Q: What do you get if you cross a monkey with an elephant?
A: Broken trees.
• JAMES FINDLAY
Q: Why do owls avoid kissing in the rain?
A: Because it’s too wet to woo.
• RICHARD PADWELL
Q: How could the farmer be sure his honey was organic?
A: Because his bees had issued him with a swarm statement.
• WENDY AUSTIN
Q: What do elephants get for lunch at London Zoo?
A: Half an hour, the same as the penguins.
• JIM HANKINSON
* * *
If you arrest a mime, do you still have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?
A: You sober up, your estranged wife comes home and your faithful dog comes back to life.
• EDDIE LAMPTEY
Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: Lunch is on me.
• ROBERT SHELLEY
Q: What do you call an overweight alien?
A: An extra-cholesterol.
• GRAHAM KENWARD
Q: Which Egyptian king used to loose his temper on the roads?
A: Toot-In-Car-Man
• JOHN HOODLESS
Q: A man is pushing his car along, and when he comes to a hotel he shouts, “I’m bankrupt!” Why?
A: He’s playing Monopoly.
Q: This word I know? Six letters it contains. Take away the last. . . . and only twelve remains. What is the word?
A: “Dozens.”
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
STEWART FRANCIS
Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I?
A: The letter E.
Q: Why was the goat excited?
A: Because there was a new ‘kid’ on the block.
Q: Why couldn’t the octopus become a model?
A: Because it was all arms and no legs.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Q: The man who made it doesn’t want it. The man who bought it doesn’t need it. The man who needs it doesn’t know it. What am I talking about?
A: A coffin.
Q: Yellow I look and massive I weigh. In the morning I come to brighten your day. What am I?
A: A school bus.
Q: Why is the letter A the most like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.
Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.
• I. BELL
Q: What’s the difference between a man and a municipal bond?
A: Municipal bonds will eventually mature.
• AGNES LANGER
Q: What do fishermen and hypochondriacs have in common?
A: They don’t really have to catch anything to be happy.
• ROBERT ORBEN
Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
• MARTHA J. KIELEK
Q: What do you get if you cross a door-knocker with a zucchini?
A: Rat-a-tat-a-touille.
• MOLLIE BAXTER
Q: What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A: Just his fingers.
• HITEN VADGAMA
Q: What do you get if you cross a snowman and a man-eating shark
?
A: Frostbite.
• PAUL KEEL
* * *
I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?
“How can a cowardly lion cry?–How can a tin man talk?–How can a scarecrow dance?”
Q: What happens when a camera gets angry?
A: It snaps.
• ANOOP PARIHAR
Q: What’s the best way to kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler.
• GAIL CARDEW
Q: Which dogs do scientists like?
A: Lab-radors.
• MIMI LAMBA
Q: What’s the true love of a sailor?
A: Fish and ships.
• GUNJAN RANA
Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a greyhound?
A: About 50 years’ hard sandpapering.
• SINCLAIR TROTTER
Q: What does December have that other months don’t have?
A: The letter D.
Q: What can run, but never walks? Has a mouth, but never talks? Has a head, but never weeps? Has a bed, but never sleeps?
A: A river.
Q: A man rode in to town on Tuesday, and left two days later on Tuesday. How so?
A: His horse is named Tuesday!
Q: What are two things you wouldn’t eat after waking up?
A: Lunch and dinner.
Q: Why did the boy throw a bucket out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: If a red-house is made of red bricks, has a red wooden door, and a red roof, and a yellow-house is made of yellow bricks, has a yellow wooden door, and a yellow roof, then what is a green-house made of?
A: Glass.
Q: What did one boat say to the other?
A: “Are you up for a little row-mance?”
Q: Why did the boy throw his watch out the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.
Q: Why can’t someone living in Maine be buried in Florida?
A: Because he’s still living!
Q: What do pandas have that no other animal has?
A: Baby pandas!
Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
JAY LENO
Q: Which is the most curious letter?
A: Y?
Q: Which month has 28 days?
A: All of them, silly!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has thousands of letters?
A: The Post Office!
Q: What kind of cheese is made backwards?
A: Edam.
Q: What word begins and ends with an E, but only has one letter?
A: Envelope!
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short!
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you’ll die. What is it?
A: Nothing!
Q: What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don’t want to use it?
A: An anchor.
Q: Why do teachers consider themselves special?
A: Because they have a class of their own.
• AMIT BARTAKE
Q: I have a head but no body, a heart but no blood. Just leaves and no branches, I grow without wood. What am I?
A: Lettuce!
Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they can’t remember the words.
Q: What only gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel!
Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble.
Q: How do you keep cool at a football game?
A: Stand next to a fan.
Q: Why did the football coach go to the bank?
A: To get his quarterback.
Q: How many college football players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The entire team. And they each get a semester’s credit for it.
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
* * *
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
• MITCH HEDBERG
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one’ll sleigh you!
Q: What do you say to your single friends on Valentine’s Day?
A: Happy Independence Day!
HOLIDAY
FUNNIES
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what–NEVER AGAIN.”
TIM VINE
’TIS THE SEASON
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot–the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”
• LORALIE LONG
A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: “Can I see that one, that one, and the one with the little man on it?”
“Oh,” I replied. “You mean Jesus?”
• JULIE SWARSBRICK
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it “Christmas” and went to church; the Jews called it “Hanukkah” and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say “Merry Christmas!” or “Happy Hanukkah!” or (to the atheists) “Look out for the wall!”
• DAVE BARRY
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
“Shoot . . . I brought my garbage by mistake.”
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That’s right–he was elf taught.
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
• ANTHONY JESELNIK
Michel and I were newlyweds living in a small apartment. Just before Christmas, my parents came to dinner and asked us what gifts we’d like.
“I’d love a puppy!” I blurted out.
“All right,” Michel agreed, “provided he remains small, doesn’t bark, makes no fuss, stays clean and is no trouble.”
“I think I know just the breed for you,” my father said, smiling.
In the days that followed, Michel and I tried to guess what it would be. Maybe a Yorkshire Terrier or a Dachshund–they’re small. Or one of those placid, undemanding Italian Toy Grayhounds.
Christmas Eve arrived at last, and my father proudly presented us with a pretty wicker basket that we opened excitedly. Inside was an adorable little dog–a stuffed one.
• MARIE-PIERRE PIAT
No matter how carefully you stored the lights last year, they will be snarled again this Christmas.
ROBERT KIRBY
When our son Patrick was four, we still marked all his Christmas presents “From Santa Claus.” A couple of hours after they had been opened on Christmas Day, I noticed that he seemed quite glum, for no apparent reason. “What was the matter?”
“Well,” said Patrick. Long pause. “Well, I,
I really thought you and mommy would give me something for Christmas.”
• ALEXANDER FARRELL
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned. “What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”
• JENNIFER PAULY
My daughter Aurore had just written a huge list of presents, and her mother was trying to explain that Father Christmas wouldn’t be able to bring them all.
“Oh, that doesn’t matter,” shurgged Aurore, “You can buy the rest.”
• PATRICE BERNARD
Last Christmas, after midnight mass, the whole family got together around a table groaning with goodies, in a very friendly atmosphere. Just for fun in the course of the conversation, the grownups asked the children what they wanted to be when they grew up. My little nephew, age six, replied without hesitation, “I want to be a priest!”
Everybody oohed and aahed in admiration of this precocious calling. The child’s grandmother, very moved, asked, “And why do you want to be a priest, darling?”
“To get the money from the collection!”
Everybody fell silent, and the subject never came up again.
• MONSIEUR HAUBERT
My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn’t let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can’t dribble on grass.
• JIMMY FALLON
* * *
My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.
• RICHARD LEWIS
EASTER BONNETS
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. “So, Katie,” said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, “who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?”
Katie replied, “I think it’s my uncle Brian.”
• MARASHA ECKERMAN
The subject line on the e-mail sent by our campus ministry after Easter read “He is risen!” But the next day, we received a rather startling message intended to clear up a minor typo in the first e-mail.