“Guess,” I said coyly.
“I have no idea,” he said. “It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster’s cage.”
• KATHLEEN WATERS
I’d noticed that my sixty-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”
• DEBORAH KELLY
While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.
“The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’ ”
“Monogamy,” he answered.
• DONNA VAN NOTE
Shortly before our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, my husband sent twenty-five long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.
As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”
• SUE ATER
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”
I told her, “How?”
• HENNY YOUNGMAN
* * *
Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, they spell “THEIRS”?
* * *
The unsaid part of “This is fascinating!” is “to me.”
Patient: “Doctor, before I marry Sarah next Saturday, there’s something I’d like to get off my chest.”
Doctor: “What’s that?”
Patient: “A tattoo saying: ‘I love Alice.’ ”
• JONATHAN SHELDRAKE
It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, “Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?”
• BRENDA YASKAL
A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.”
“Is that you or your beer talking?” she asks.
“It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”
I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: “You’re a great artist,” “You’re a wonderful equestrian,” “You’re the most beautiful woman I know.”
One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. “How do I cheer up a horse?” I asked.
He shared his secret: “Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful.”
• AMY ACKERMAN
Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.
“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.
“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.
“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”
• RICHARD SILBERLUST
A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. “You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?” he asked his friend.
“Yeah,” came the reply. “My wife.”
• JAMES BAVA
FOR RICHER AND FOR POORER
“When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist,” said my husband’s grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, “Now look how much I got. That’s what I call an investment!”
• KATHERINE EBY
A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn’t realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
“I forgot your phone number,” he said.
“You could’ve looked it up in the phone book.”
“I didn’t know what name to look under.”
• CAROL MARSH
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. “Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words,” she says. “He might change his ways.”
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
“It’s late,” she whispers. “I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you?”
“Might as well,” says Harry. “I’ll get in trouble if I go home.”
As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.
“What did you do wrong?” I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, “I got married.”
• BRENDA RHODES
Clearly, my husband and I need to brush up on our flirting. The other night, after I crawled into bed next to him, he wrapped his large arms around me, drew a deep breath, and whispered, “Mmm . . . that Vicks smells good.”
• REBECCA RIZZUTI
I turned to my father one night and said, “It’s amazing–50 years and you never once had an affair. How do you account for that?”
He replied, “I can’t drive.”
• CAITLIN FLANAGAN
“WHAT?! . . . I’m multi-tasking!”
An item on Craigslist: “Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she’s home, $100.”
The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, “It makes an awful noise, but it works.”
“That’s okay,” she said, taking it. “I have a husband at home like that.”
• DONNA ULREY
Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, “You look so beautiful under these lights.” I was falling in love all over again when he added, “We gotta get some of these lights.”
• SHAWNNA COFFEY
I’m still in my first marriage. I know it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
• OPHIRA EISENBERG
When my petite mother found her seat on the airplane, she was crushed between my 200-plus-pound father and another large man.
“I bet you wish you’d married a smaller man,” my father said.
My mother mumbled, “I did.”
• JUDITH SEYFERT
* * *
If you have a boat and a happy marriage, you don’t need another thing.
• ED MCMAHON
At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”
I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.’ ”
Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. “She’s probably right,” he said.
• BARBARA HANCOCK
The wisest married men give in early. They get in touch with the wife side of themselves, and that’s when they stop arguing.
BILL COSBY
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. “Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?” I asked.
“What’s the point?” my husband said. “They die after about a week.”
“So could you,” I shot back, “but I still like having you around.”
• KAY STRAYER
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinn
er. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. “I really think you love me,” she said. “At least 70 people called and told me so.”
• JARON SUMMERS
“If this relationship’s gonna work, you gotta give me some space.”
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”
“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?”
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, “Yeah, hi, honey. Uh . . . what should I feed Lily for lunch?”
• JULLIE BALL
I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. “Look,” I said to my wife. “What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat.”
“Get it,” she said. “Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss.”
• MICHAEL KRETZLER
My granddaughter asked why I called my husband Hon.
“It’s a term of endearment,” I explained.
My husband mumbled, “After more than 40 years, it’s a term of endurement.”
• MARILY KLATT
A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, “That’d be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I’m taking out the trash.”
• ANDRE F. PAYSON II
My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage.
“Things have gotten so bad,” she said, “I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?”
“That’s a serious matter,” came the reply. “I think you should consult another manicurist.”
• NATALIE ISAACS
My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
“Who would you pick to portray you?” she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, “Dennis Quaid.”
“In that case,” she said, “I’ll play myself.”
• MARK SUGGS
One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, “This way I can’t forget the date.”
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, “I need to change the numbers on that plate application.”
• N. V. GOODMAN
The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too.
“What does he need me for?” he asked. “He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself.”
• RHONDA CHANG
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
• MARLENE BAMBRICK
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been married nearly 50 years. “That’s a long time,” I observed.
“A long, long time,” she agreed. Then she smiled. “Something just occurred to me.”
“What’s that?”
“If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I’d be out of jail by now.”
• BARBARA MASON
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“University of Oklahoma,” he yelled back.
• JERRI BOYER
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
• ART FLAGEL
* * *
If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.
• GARRISON KEILLOR
Pregnant with our second child, I was determined to ride my exercise bike at least two miles a day. Late one night, having put it off all day, I climbed aboard the noisy contraption in our bedroom, where my husband was reading a book.
After about twenty minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. “Don’t you think it’s time you turned around and headed for home?” he asked.
• MARGARET KOCH
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, “I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath.”
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, “When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest.”
• MARY L. COSTAIN
All eyes were on him when he said, “Oh, Cindy and I met in college. We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility.”
“That’s the whole story?” my wife asked incredulously.
“Oh, no,” he replied with a grin. “They’ve fixed the computer since then.”
• JOHN MORRISSEY
Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.
Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”
“One,” she retorted.
• R. T. MCLAURY
“You’ve done something different with your hair.”
Torrential rains soaked South Louisiana and flood waters were six feet high. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux spied a lone baseball cap floating near the house. The cap seemed to be moving back and forth slowly but steadily. “Do you see that baseball cap?” she asked Mrs. Boudreaux.
“Oh, yes, that’s my husband,” Mrs. Boudreaux replied. “I told him he was going to cut the grass today come hell or high water.”
• MONIQUE HENDERSON
My girlfriend likes to role-play. For the past five years, she’s been playing my ex-girlfriend.
CRAIG SHARF
My mother and I were having a mother-daughter talk about the qualities to look for in a husband. She stressed that husband and wife should be as much alike as possible in interests and backgrounds. I brought up the point that opposites often attract.
“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”
• DIANE RENZI
A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all
the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind you of your relatives?”
The wife replied, “Yes, they do. They remind me of my in-laws.”
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” his wife asks.
He replies, “They had avocados.”
• TOM BUOYE
I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband.
One day I told him, “I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!”
He replied, “I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who’s pregnant!”
• PATTI COOK
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant “Give me a kiss.” Two taps meant “No.” Three taps meant “Yes”–and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”
• MILDRED BALDWIN
* * *
You know you’re dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. “I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you,” she pointed out.
“Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead,” I said.
She looked mystified. “How do you figure?”
“I married better,” I replied.
• LOUIS RODOLICO
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
“Why don’t you ever wear your ring?” I asked.
“It cuts off my circulation,” Paul replied.
“I know,” I said. “It’s supposed to.”
• MARILY WARE
Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Page 11