As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. “What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?” I asked.
Giving me a casual glance, she replied, “They’d say I married you for your money.”
• JOHN R. BUCO
* * *
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kids’ therapy.
• MICHELLE PFEIFFER
A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English–what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”
The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
• EDSEL BASCO
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
HENNY YOUNGMAN
When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. “The first ten years are the hardest,” she said.
“How long have you been married?” I asked.
“Ten years,” she replied.
• TONYA WINTER
As I stripped off my sweatshirt at the breakfast table one warm morning, my T-shirt started to come off too.
My husband let out a low whistle. I took it as a compliment until he said, from behind his newspaper, “Can you believe the price of bananas?”
• BEATRICE ROCHE
What to engrave on the inside of my husband-to-be’s wedding ring?
I turned to my sister and said, “I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me.”
Her suggestion?
“Put it back on.”
• TRACI WILLIAMS
One evening my daughter, Shayna, wondered: “What would happen if Daddy died? Would you get married again?”
“I don’t think so, honey,” I replied. “It’s hard to imagine loving anyone as much as I love Daddy.”
“What about Daddy?” my son Isaac asked. “Would he get married again?”
“Well, of course!” Shayna blurted. “He’d need someone to do the laundry.”
• MICHELLE HOLMES
A DAY IN
THE LIFE
“If the customer is always right, why isn’t everything free?”
“I’m an intern.”
SERVICE WITH A SMILE
A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax. “This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.”
• LYLE BREWER
“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several buttons on her microwave.
“Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.”
“I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Sure. How do you reheat bacon?”
“Oh,” she said, “that’s two biscuits and a popcorn.”
• ROBIN ROBERSON
A man is woken up by a knock at the door one morning.
He gets up and goes downstairs to open the door and is met by a six-foot-six-inch spider who immediately head-butts him, runs inside, tramples all over the man, kicks him in the back, boots his ribs and stamps all over him.
Next thing the homeowner remembers is waking up in hospital. Turning to the doctor he says, “I feel terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s all right,” the doctor tells him. “It’s just a vicious bug going about.”
• PHIL MURPHY
I worked as a maid for an elderly lady who sometimes got things mixed up. A couple of days before Christmas, just before she left for an appointment, she asked me to take down her Halloween decorations and then lock up. I assumed she had mixed up the holidays, and although I thought it rather odd, I took the Christmas decorations down. Later that day she phoned me at home.
“What have you done?” she asked.
“Took down the decorations,” I replied, “just as you asked.”
Laughing, she said, “The cobwebs, dear.”
• MICHELLE ROGERS
I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.
@JIMMYKIMMEL
Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.”
Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?”
• DONALD DAWSON
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room. “Diploma,” the friend calls after her, “bring us two cups of coffee.”
“Diploma? What an odd name,” says the visitor. “How did she get it?”
The friend sighs. “I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that’s what she came back with.”
• SOURCE: FUNNY IN PORTUGAL SURVEY
My wife is a very adventurous cook. “How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.”
“Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?”
“No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.”
• DAVID WELLINGS
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
• DEBORAH BERKLEY
One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.
“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”
• SHERRI SMITH
My sister got a call from a telemarketer who was selling replacement windows. “I can’t use them,” she said. “I’m renting an apartment.”
“No problem,” he said. “You can take the windows with you when you move.”
• LAURA O’NEAL
* * *
When someone tells you that something defies description, you can be pretty sure he’s going to have a go at it anyway.
My husband and I arrived at the auto dealership to pick up our new car, only to be told that the keys had been locked inside. We went to the service department, where a mechanic was working to unlock the driver’s side door. Instinctively, I reached for the passenger door and–voilà!–it was unlocked. “Hey,” I shouted to him. “It’s open!”
“I know,” yelled the mechanic. “I already got that side. Now I’m working on this door.”
• BETTY M. PHILLIPS
When I stepped on the scale at my doctor’s office, I was surprised to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s aide as she made a notation on my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart.
“I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.”
• RACHEL WAGNER
JUST GETTING THROUGH THE DAY
Having avoided the scale for a few years, my husband finally got up the nerve to climb aboard. Unable to read the numbers, he got off to grab his eyeglasses and stepped back on.
“What do you know?” he called out. “These glasses weigh fifty pounds.”
• ERMA TIMPSON
“Remember ‘No Child Left Behind’? Well, obviously, the bus driver doesn’t.”
Occasionally at the restaurant where I work there are extra desserts, and the staff are given some to
take home. Once I brought home two pieces of cheesecake for my son and daughter. Katie had a piece that evening.
The next day her older brother found her watching TV and eating more cheesecake. “Are you eating my cheesecake?” he demanded.
“Oh, no,” she replied sweetly, “I ate yours yesterday.”
• BRENDA GINGRICH
My friend read her son’s horoscope and thought it quite appropriate. “You’ve spent the last few weeks looking for escape,” it said. “But now it’s time to get on with your life.”
She had just given birth to him that morning.
• SUYEE KAOR
Recently as I approached a stop sign, I hit a patch of ice and lightly bumped the car in front of me. There was no damage, but the other driver and I decided to exchange information anyway. I got back into my car to look for paper, and my seven-year-old son, Matthew, asked what I was doing. “I’m just exchanging names and phone numbers with the other driver,” I explained.
When I returned to the car, Matthew asked, “So, what’s our new name and phone number?”
• SHERRI ADAMSON
My husband met me at the doctor’s office for my routine checkup, and from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars, I arrived at the restaurant first.
“One for dinner?” asked the hostess.
“No,” I replied. “There will be two of us in just a minute.”
When I saw the panicky look on the hostess’s face, I realized I had forgotten about my appearance. Anybody could see that I was at least 8 1/2 months pregnant.
• LOANN K. BURKE
* * *
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.)
• @SAMIR
While phoning a friend, my grandmother dialed the wrong number. She apologized and tried again, but she got the same number. Once more she hung up and redialed–same result. Now Grandma was frustrated.
“Look,” she told the person on the other end, “I’m going to call my friend again. This time, don’t answer her phone!”
• DANIELLE GILLELAND
Some sad news from Australia . . . the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
JOHNNY CARSON
“Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child–if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.”
• W.C. FIELDS
A woman walked into my father’s carpet store. She’d just moved out of her parents’ home and needed something for her new living-room floor. “Do you know how big the room is?” Dad asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide. And I wear a size 8.”
• REGENIA SADBERRY
My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later–same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a different way home from work.”
• KIMBERLY OWEN
“No, this video of your father jogging is not in slow motion.”
When my daughter asked her husband to take over watching their three-year-old son during his bath, Wyatt, my grandson, instead told her to stay. Laughing, she asked how many adults it took to keep an eye on him.
He answered, “One to watch me and one to pick up the broken stuff!”
• CHARMAINE HUCULAK
One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, “Jim, there’s a horsefly in here!”
Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, “Give it some cough syrup.”
• JEFF STEWART
JUST FOR LAUGHS
After our parents retired, they moved from a busy city in Rhode Island to a small town in Maine. We didn’t realize how small the town was until my sister visited the local video store. She selected a movie and told the clerk that she was going to rent the cassette under her parents’ name.
The clerk looked at the title and replied, “They already saw that one.”
• THERESA COUTCHER SOKOLOWSKI
One night, telephone solicitors kept interrupting our supper. When the phone rang yet again, my father answered it. By his remarks, we assumed it was his friend Ed, a notorious practical joker.
Dad kept saying things like, “Cut it out, Ed. This is very funny, but I know it’s you. C’mon, stop it or I’ll hang up. I’ll get you for this.”
When Dad hung up, my mom asked, “Was that Ed?”
“No,” my father replied. “It was a salesman, and I don’t think he’ll call back.”
• TONI M. VIDRA
I was lying on my couch, burning up with a fever, when my husband said I should go to bed. At 3 A.M. the next morning, I woke up soaked from head to toe. When my husband heard me stirring, he said that my fever must have broken.
I decided to spend the rest of the night back on the couch so as not to disturb him any further. But then, three hours later, he appeared in the living room soaking wet. “Your fever didn’t break,” he said, still dripping. “The water bed did.”
• SUSAN BARR
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant . . . because I believe in myself.
HANNIBAL BURESS
At age seventy, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower.
“This thing is great,” he bragged to my brother. “It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!”
• DIANE HARDY
During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me drive in nails. “You hammer like lightning,” he said.
“Really?” I replied, flattered.
“You never strike the same place twice.”
• DAVE LOCKETT
When my wife called a friend on our touch-tone phone, the line was busy. She tried several more times, but without success. Watching her, I asked why she wasn’t using the redial button.
“Honey,” she answered, “I need the exercise.”
• HENRY H. POLITZER
My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know where to look, it’s time to go home.”
• CAROLINE YOUNG
Our day-care center spent time helping the kids memorize their home addresses. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name down, but couldn’t remember the house number.
“If our house is on fire and you call 911,” I asked, “how will the firefighters know where to go?”
She had a plan: “I’ll tell them to go to South 14th Street and look for the house that’s on fire.”
• DIANNA PHYFER
NEW DEFINITIONS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY:
• Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
• Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
• Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
• Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
• Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
• EDWARD THOMPSON
* * *
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac? He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!
Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.
While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mom,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”
I started my diet that day.
• BETTY STROHM
Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He mov
ed out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment. The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, Matt greeted us, saying, “I’m glad to finally be the host.”
As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, “Instead of the parasite.”
• DIANNE GARDNER
My young son declared, “When I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”
“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.
“Then I’ll marry you.”
“You can’t marry me either.”
He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”
“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.
• PHLYLIS SHOWERS
* * *
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
“We never should have called it the pup tent.”
When my four-year-old son got on his first bicycle, I told him, “Step back on the pedals and the bike will brake.”
He nodded, then proceeded to ride straight into a bush.
“Why didn’t you push back on the pedals?” I asked, helping him up.
“You said that if I did, the bike would break.”
When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”
My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”
“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”
“Two thousand.”
“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”
“Five thousand!”
We eloped to Spain.
• MARY NICHOLS
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Page 12