FRED ALLEN
I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, “If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?”
“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”
• SHEILA LEE,
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
• WILL FERRELL
After sailing across the Atlantic, my family and I arrived in France. Wanting directions and sorely in need of conversation, my father stopped a passerby and asked if he spoke English. Sizing up my disheveled father, the man warily responded, “Sometimes.”
• KATHERINE TUCKER
ONE FOR THE ROAD
Three guys are talking about what constitutes fame. The first guy defines it as being invited to the White House for a chat with the president.
“Nah,” says the second guy. “Real fame would be if the red phone rang when you were there, and the president wouldn’t take the call.”
“You’re both wrong,” says the third. “Fame is when you’re in the Oval Office and the red phone rings, the president answers it, listens for a second, and then says, “It’s for you.”
• PATTIE BROWNE
Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.
“You know,” I said, “our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now.”
“Really?” my husband snapped. “She wasn’t even pregnant when we walked in here.”
• MAUREEN MORRISON
Three and a half agonizing hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles put me in a foul mood. I was still in a funk when I stopped at a store to buy a baseball bat for my son. “Cash or charge?” the young woman clerk asked.
“Cash,” I snapped. Then I quickly apologized. “I’m sorry. I just spent half the day in line at the DMV.”
“Would you like me to wrap the bat,” she chirped, “or do you plan to go back?”
• ADRIEN D.
“It’s my new RING TONE!”
“You gotta do something,” Farmer John told the sheriff. “Speeders are killing my chickens.”
The next day, workers erected a sign near the farm: Slow–School Crossing.
Three days later, John called again. “That sign’s not helping. Folks ignore it.”
So the sheriff sent out workers with a new sign: Slow–Children at Play.
Three days later, Farmer John picked up the phone again. “Can I make my own sign?”
The sheriff agreed. Three weeks later, he called to check on John. “How’s the new sign working out for you?” he asked.
“Great!” the farmer replied. “Not one chicken has been killed since I put it up.”
Thinking such an effective sign might be useful elsewhere, the sheriff went to see it. The new sign read: Nudist Colony–Go slow and watch for chicks.
One weekend, car horns sounded after a wedding near our home. Charlie, my five-year-old, asked me what was happening. “People like to beep their horns after a couple is married,” I explained.
“Why?” he wondered. “Is it a warning?”
• DIANE WILSON
A friend and I were hitchhiking, but no one would stop. “Maybe it’s our long hair,” I joked. With that, my friend scrawled on a piece of cardboard: “Going to the barber’s.” Within seconds we had our ride.
• RAYMOND BUTKUS
The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
“Those must be real diamonds,” she said.
“Yes,” I said. “How could you tell?”
“Because,” she said, “no one buys fake diamonds that small.”
• DEBORAH CAUDELL
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
• JAMES BUSHART
I was waiting with my brother, Sid, at the doctor’s office. When the receptionist pulled Sid’s file, she noted there were two files with the same name. He explained that he and his father had the same name, but that his father had passed away.
The receptionist said, “So one of you is dead and the other isn’t.”
“That is correct,” Sid said.
“Which one are you?” she asked, pointing to the files.
“The live one, I hope!” Sid replied.
• DEBORAH STERN
* * *
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.
• LEWIS BLACK
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
• NOAH JORGENSEN
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
ADAM JOSHUA SMARGON
During a lesson, my driving instructor commented that he was seeing spots before his eyes.
Deeply concerned, I told him how my father had suffered a detached retina a few years earlier and had complained of similar symptoms prior to diagnosis.
“This could be very serious,” I said. “You must see a doctor immediately.”
“Or you could just turn the windshield wipers on,” replied the instructor.
• MARTIN ROSE
SCENE: A MAN APPLYING FOR CREDIT AT A DEPARTMENT STORE.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
• RUTH SADECKAS
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Reader's Digest Funny Family Jokes Page 13