The Other Side of Heaven

by Jacqueline Druga

  “What’s the first thing you will do?” I asked her.

  “Take it all in,” Artie said. “Just absorb first. I wouldn’t want nerves to get in my way of the whole experience.”

  She had a point. A good one. I heard the tea kettle whistling and I went into the kitchen to make us each a fresh cup.

  I had both mugs in my hand and no sooner had I stepped from the kitchen toward the patio door, then the sun light became a huge, bright light. I was encompassed by it. There was no pain, no feeling, and I knew. This was it!

  The mugs were no longer in my grip and when I looked down to my hands, they were younger. My arms looked younger and thinner. Although I could have been mistaken, the light gave me almost a gamma ray glow. Reaching up, I touched my face. For certain I was younger, the skin was firm.

  How long did I stand there in that light? A moment? It was brief and it dissolved before my eyes, exposing a lake.

  The lake.

  The same one in which my father drown. Artie wondered how it would feel. Would it seem like a dream or real. It was real. It was as real as stepping from one room to another. I would love to say my heart beat from my chest, but I didn’t feel that. I did however feel like a sponge absorbing something, making my soul feel full.

  The birds chirped, the sky was blue, the temperature was perfect. It was a place of bad memories that seemed like a paradise.

  And then… I saw my father.

  His back was toward me, he was wearing that fishing vest of his as he stood near the end of the peer casting his line.

  I wanted to fish again with my father and I had the chance.

  I couldn’t move, didn’t know if I’d be able to speak. I stood fifteen feet from him and was frozen, fearful that a single word would cause me to sob uncontrollably.

  My father, I had missed him so much.

  I watched as he reeled in his line then sat down on the peer.

  “Hand me that yellow spinner bait. The small one on top, will ya’ Mandy?” he asked.

  Why wasn’t he turning around? Didn’t he know he was dead? Maybe he didn’t. I stepped to his tackle box, and grabbed the spinner bait, handing it to him over his shoulder.

  I tried to speak but my throat felt thick and I cleared it. “Here you go.”

  “Thanks.”

  “How’s the fishing.”

  “Oh, it’s good here. Don’t think it’s always sunny and a good day. Sometimes I sit and nothing happens. Today is not one of those days. Sit with me, Mandy.” He patted the spot next to him.

  Bodily feelings returned and my insides trembled. I really wondered if he knew. I had so many questions, yet I couldn’t recall any of them that second.

  I worried about my knees, they usually ached when I sat and got up, well this was going to be interesting. Yet, I sat with ease. No pain.

  He stared outward, avoiding eye contact. Was he angry? Did he even know? I could see my reflection in the water, I was younger, yet he was the same as I remembered him.

  My mind spun. Had I travelled to an alternate time where my father didn’t die. What was going on?

  “When they said you got the resolution lottery … I was worried.” He fussed with his rod, then set it next to him.

  Finally he looked at me. His eyes had that spark, the one he lost. My lips quivered, I reached over and clutched his hand. I wanted to embrace him, but he seemed reluctant.

  “Daddy. Do you know you passed away years ago.”

  “Yep. I do.”

  I could feel his strong hand, the roughness of his skin. It was how I remembered.

  “How is mom?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Kind of not together right now.”

  “How is that possible?”

  He shrugged.

  “I missed you so much.”

  He tightly closed his mouth and smiled, I rested my head on his shoulder and he brought his hand to my cheek.

  “I’m waiting,” he said.

  “Waiting on what?”

  “For you to say your peace. Ask your questions.”

  “You seem angry.”

  “I didn’t think we’d need this resolution. I kind of did, but, Mandy …” He faced me. It’s been years. Decades. Why you holding on?”

  “How can you ask that. Unless you don’t remember?”

  “Oh, I remember. We know our deaths. When we need to resolve them. We watch them over and over.”

  “Did you do that?”

  “No.” He shook his head.

  “Were you scared? In pain? I need to know you weren’t frightened at the end? Did you even know what you were doing?”

  “I didn’t have pain. Back then, Mandy, there were a lot of times where I just didn’t know things. Where I was confused. A gift up here is we get those memories. We get to know what we missed. How our family acted. We suffered there, but it’s a distant memory. The suffering I mean.”

  “I am here because I couldn’t let go. You never wandered. Since you got the chance to know what you were doing during your confused times, did you know you were wandering?”

  “Mandy, what are you talking about?” he asked.

  “The day of your accident.”

  “It wasn’t an accident.”

  If I was breathing, at that moment I lost ability to breathe. I took his words as his blame of me. My mother was right. “Oh, Dad. Dad, I didn’t mean it. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I should have locked the doors, I should have …”

  “Stop.”

  “What?”

  “Why are you apologizing?”

  “It’s my fault.”

  “How is it your fault that I took my own life?”

  Everything seemed to freeze. Time stood still. It all made sense. Why he was there alone. Why my mother wasn’t with him. “You … you took your own life.”

  He didn’t reply.

  “All these years. I have done nothing but blame myself. Second-guessing every move I made that night, and you took your own life?”

  “Mandy …”

  “How could you?” I stood and blasted a repeat of my question. “How could you! You did it on my watch. My … watch. I carried that with me. How could you do this to me?”

  “It wasn’t just about you.” He stood up. “I was not the man I wanted to be. I woke up that morning in a pool of my own piss. Do you know what that’s like? I took care of you, Mandy. It was not your place to take care of me.”

  “Yes it was. I wanted to do it.”

  “And I didn’t want you to. It was only going to get worse, I would get worse. I wanted you and your brother and sister to remember me for who I was, not what I became. I didn’t want to live like that.”

  “It wasn’t just your choice.”

  “I’m sorry. It was.”

  “Then why didn’t you come to me? To one of us?” I asked.

  “And what? Ask you to help me die?” He placed his hands on my shoulders. “Would you have done that?”

  “Daddy, I carried this for decades. Decades. Blaming myself for you wandering off and drowning. You could have at least said goodbye, said you loved us, or left a note.”

  “I did.”

  “No. There was no note.”

  “Yes, there was.”

  “No, there …” I shook my head and when I did, in the reflection of the water I saw a vision. A scene. My mother in the bedroom of the cabin. She was crying, packing my father’s things, and she found the note.

  I turned and looked at my father. He must have seen the same vision.

  “Did you know Mom found it and never said a word?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I did. She’s out there somewhere. I’ll see her again.” He faced me again. “I’m sorry, Mandy. I thought she at least told you about what happened. I thought that was why you wanted the resolution. To ask why.”

  “No, I needed the resolution to know I didn’t cause it. And all these years, she could have stopped that.”

  “Please don’t let that be another burden you
carry.”

  “No, I’m done.” Upon those words, everything brightened.

  “I think it’s time to go back.” He said.

  It was our final moment, a chance I was robbed of and in that moment, I grabbed on to my father and embraced him. His arms wrapped tightly around me and he planted his lips to my cheek.

  “I love you,” he said. “I have always been so proud.”

  “I love you, too.”

  The light grew brighter. I expected joy, to be overwhelmed with happiness, instead I felt heavy. And I stepped from that embrace, holding my father’s hand as I moved to the lights.

  His fingers slipped from mine.

  “Mandy,” he called out. “Did you find resolution?”

  I paused and looked at him and then answered, “Yes. Yes I did.”

  I stepped through.

  The ability to breathe hit me like a ton of bricks and I gasped hard.

  I was laying on the kitchen floor, my head rested on Artie’s lap.

  “Oh, thank Jesus.” Artie said with relief. “I called for help. They didn’t even get here yet. Did you.. Did you do it?”

  I couldn’t speak, I honestly couldn’t speak. However, I was able to nod, and when I did I started to sob. Artie clutched me tight, holding on to me.

  What I needed in resolution, I found. Even though the burden of the cause of my father’s death was lifted, I felt the grief from the years my mother robbed of me. Years of peace and happiness. My heart was broken and I wanted badly to release it. I would eventually. It wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear. But I saw my father, embraced him and in a sense, I went fishing with him one more time.

  20. Barbara’s Journey

  In our small town there were two things that people didn’t do. One was park in Reverend Stanley’s spot at the diner on Sunday and the other was canceling an appointment at Ricardo’s Salon. Not only was he the best, his price was right. It took weeks to get an appointment, longer if the holidays were forth coming. It just so happened the day of my brief death that I had a hair appointment for color, cut and highlights. It was a morning appointment, so I was hopeful that I had time. When my sister heard I wasn’t cancelling the appointment, I joked that if I was gonna meet our brother and maybe even our maker, at least my roots wouldn’t be bad. She retorted that our brother Jimmy probably would comment on them.

  He would.

  Brad, the young man sent to be the escort for my ethereal journey, seemed somewhat amused by my need to keep my hair appointment. I did tell him, “I know your instructions are to call 911 as soon as I drop, but don’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “For starters, it’s all supposed to last for three minutes on this side, right? I don’t think the emergency responders will be here from the time I drop to when I return. If I don’t revive, well then, it was either my choice or my time. Right?’

  “Right, but …”

  “No buts. Plus, my insurance doesn’t cover ambulance service and at this point I don’t need another bill. Promise me you won’t call.”

  Brad groaned, then reluctantly said, “I promise.”

  “Besides, more than likely we’ll be in my living room.”

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  The hair shop was buzzing and filled with people. As a regular, everyone knew me and they asked who Brad was.

  I explained he was much too young to be my boyfriend and stated with a joking manner that he was there for when I briefly died to make sure everything went well.

  As I sat in the chair getting the last of my highlights on, it was a joke of the whole salon.

  “She doesn’t want an ambulance,” Ricardo said. “I don’t either. Those highlights will make her bald if they don’t get rinsed.”

  No one took me serious and I suppose my joking was a way to cover my anxiety.

  After they finished with my color and highlights, I was put in the chair and under a dryer to process for thirty minutes. Ricardo was still one of the people who used dryers. Brad never was far from sight, and I leaned back and closed my eyes. The hum of the dryer and the warmth was soothing and usually I dozed off. As I thought I had at that moment, when I heard laughter. Male laughter. I opened my eyes to see what Ricardo found so funny and I was no longer in the salon.

  I stood in the hallway outside my Brother Jimmy’s apartment.

  I was there, I had left. No flashes of light, no big hurrah, just from spot to another. Was I dreaming? No, I wasn’t. I was certain.

  I reached up to see if the foil in my hair followed me to the afterlife. It didn’t. In fact I was shocked to feel how short it was, then I remembered, I had short hair when Jimmy died.

  The laughter flowed from my brother’s apartment along with soft playing music. I felt nervous and excited. But why there?

  “That’s cool, Jim.” The one voice said.

  Freddy. Jimmy’s best friend.

  Wait… I thought. Was it the night of his death.

  “Hey, dude,” Freddy said. “Did you pop the one in the chamber?”

  “Uh, yeah.” Jimmy replied.

  Oh, God. No he didn’t. He didn’t pop the one in the chamber, that was what killed him.

  Instantaneously it hit me? Was I in heaven or did I time travel. Maybe my gift or quest was to stop it.

  I grabbed for the doorknob and barged it, trying to cut off the fateful bang of a gun.

  The apartment was empty. I felt my soul sink.

  “Barb?”

  Gasping out I spun to the voice of my brother. Jimmy looked amazing, perfect, just as he was the last time I saw him. Healthy and handsome. I rushed into his arms, embracing him wholeheartedly.

  I didn’t want him to let go. Then it hit me. Perhaps he wasn’t even aware.

  “It’s good to see you too. Really it is.” Jimmy pulled gently from our reunion. “Have to tell you, when I was told one of my siblings was coming to resolve my death, I thought for sure it would be Peter.”

  Our brother Peter took Jimmy’s death so hard.

  “It’s me. Disappointed?”

  “You kidding me? You’re my favorite big sister.”

  “I won’t tell that to Debbie.”

  He laughed. Oh, his laugh. How I missed it. Grabbing my hand he led me to the couch. “Let’s sit.”

  “Why do you suppose this is the place? Is this heaven?”

  Again, he laughed. “No, I think this place has to do with your resolution. Not sure. I liked this apartment, Barb, but not enough so spend eternity here.”

  He made me smile. “I missed you so much.”

  “I miss you too.” He tapped my hand. “So fire away. I know you have questions. Probably why it’s you, because you won’t forget what you have to ask me.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Go on,” he nodded.

  I hadn’t forgotten them.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Barb,” he chuckled out my name. “I’m dead.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “For a dead guy, I’m good.”

  “Happy?”

  “Yeah, for a dead guy I’m happy.”

  “Jimmy.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “Do you feel like a dead guy?” I asked.

  “Ah, I do, actually. There’s a lot of things missing,” Jimmy said. “See, right now I am a physical being. For the most part I feel physical, but I know I’m an essence unless I mentally make myself whole. I miss eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom. I mean, in this body, I can have a pizza, and getting into this physical being is a state of mind. I miss feeling an abundance of anything. Cause everything feels like I am in control. None of this makes sense to you, does it?”

  “It kinda does.”

  “There’s an aspect of being alive and it’s not just breathing. It’s being alive. I can’t describe it any other way. Once here, you can’t get overly angry or overly happy. It’s a spiritual Prozac.”

 
I shook my head with a smile. “Do you see Mom?”

  “Why did they segue from Prozac,” he laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I do. Dad, too.”

  “Good. I wanted to hear that. I’m sorry your life was cut short.”

  “Me too. I’m sorry for all the pain I put you through.”

  I exhaled. “Why didn’t you pop the one in the chamber? You could have checked.”

  “How do you know I didn’t?”

  “Because I just heard the exchange between you and Freddy.”

  He lowered his head. “I didn’t want to come off as dumb, besides, the safety was on. Who would have thought it would malfunction.”

  “You weren’t in a lot of pain, were you. The coroner said you probably didn’t feel a thing.”

  “I didn’t. Funny thing …” Jimmy stood up and pointed to the television area. “All that disappeared and turned white, bright white, just before the gun went off. It was in my hand, the light appeared, then everything flashed. Next thing I knew I was standing behind the couch looking at Freddy freaking out. Trying to call for help, while holding me. It was heartbreaking.”

  “How long did you watch?”

  “Until Dad died.”

  “What?” I stood as well. “You were stuck in this apartment for six years.”

  “No. For the most part, in the beginning, I was stuck to Freddy. I was glad, because I was worried. Especially when they investigated him.”

  “Yeah, had he not have been so torn up, the charges may have stuck. Freddy was bad.”

  “He was bad.” Jimmy clenched his fist. “I felt so awful. I felt awful for all of you. The pain mom and dad went through. The crying. I always wanted to make you guys smile and I failed at that. Remember how I said on this side you don’t feel? Well, when I stayed on that side, I did. I allowed myself to be punished.”

  “I dreamt of you. It was really vivid. Was that you?”

  “I don’t recall entering dreams. However, you may have picked up on my presence.”

  “I thought I was crazy, but I always felt you around. You said in the beginning you were stuck with Freddy.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, then I was able to move about. As long as I ran from the light. And I did. Let me tell you, remember the movie Ghost?”