“No.” Ben shook his head. “It’s okay. I was okay.”
My face was wet and I smeared my hand against my cheek, pulling back to look at him. “I’m sorry too. Do you forgive me?”
“For what?” he asked in shock.
“For anytime I wasn’t what you needed or wasn’t there. For anytime, I forgot about you or made you feel less important. Know that I love you. I love you so much.”
“Mom, I know.” He stared at me. “I always knew. You are a great mom. Please know that. And I love you, too.”
“I miss you Ben.”
“I know. I miss you guys, too.”
It was that moment, staring at my son, hands clutched, that I realized, I never asked to resolve. I never asked to go or be granted my request, Natalie approached me. Fate had thrown her my way and she discovered me. But it wasn’t fate, it was on purpose and it wasn’t my request that was granted, it was Ben’s.
He needed as much peace as I did. His accident and abrupt departure from us, even before he had died, left us all feeling unresolved. Even him.
And Ben had finally, in some way found his resolution, I knew this when my entire kitchen disappeared and was enveloped in a beautiful blinding light.
“I think it’s time to go,” Ben said, then looked behind him at the light. “Yeah,” he smiled. “Yeah, it’s time to go.”
“Ben?” I wept, not wanting to let him go.
“It’s okay. It really is. I’m ready now.”
“No.” I shook my head. “Please, one more moment.”
“We had this. It’s more than most people get.”
I felt him moving back and reluctantly, I released his hand.
“Tell everyone I love them,” he said. “I’ll be watching.”
My hand shot to my mouth, my eyes locked on his and I didn’t even blink. I didn’t want to miss a millisecond of my final moments with my child.
As the light engulfed him, Ben looked away and to his left, as if someone was there. He laughed, looked back at me and lifted his hand in a simple wave, before he faded into the light and it was gone.
It was as if I were released from a pulley. My body weakened and I dropped to my knees on my kitchen floor. Trembling, I emotionally melted, sobbing my way through a roller coaster of emotions. Happy I saw my son, sad that he was gone, angry that I lost him again. Heartbroken that my child watched us grieve and he felt guilty for it. Every emotion one imagined, I suffered through.
A part of me felt a little robbed. It wasn’t long enough. Would it ever have been?
Arthur was silent when he came into the kitchen, taking hold of my arm and helping me to my feet. I suppose he was the one and only person that would understand my inner clash.
He was wise and soft spoken, “There’s a bit of you that feels cheated, and are having a hard time looking at this in a good light. It’s a gift, a positive thing. You’ll see it. I’ll help you.”
I believe him. There was a reason Arthur was in my life and being a grief coach was one of them. I just never realized it before.
My husband was right. I said what I needed to say to Ben, but there was so much more I wanted to tell him. I heard his voice, felt him, but wanted to hear him again. I had my moment with my child and I wanted more.
One moment truly wasn’t enough. But I knew in time, I would accept that it had to be and that one moment would carry me through the hard times ahead. Eventually it would bring a smile to my face.
Eventually.
23. HIS NAME IS TRAVIS
It was no surprise to anyone on the team that I picked Travis. Not that his story was all that compelling on paper, but not only hearing it, but learning he had tried before to get the opportunity, I knew I had to select him.
Aside from his need to resolve with his wife, he led both Fr. Craig and I to answers.
I liked Travis.
When I called to tell him he was selected, he was having dinner with his daughter. He simply stated, “I kinda felt I would be. Thank you.” And as he conveyed the news to his daughter, Trish, I heard her say, “Daddy. No.”
It sent a worry shock to me. Why wouldn’t she want him to go?
It had been the first time in weeks that I was alone, so it felt weird to be driving to Travis’ home. I made my way there, like everyone else, the day before. All five were going on the same day.
I had connected with all of them. I wanted to meet with them afterwards, and paid for airfare and tickets for all of us to get together and talk. Something that had never been done.
When I arrived at Travis’ home, he was at the computer and just finished making his twenty-third video message.
“I got a big family,” Travis said. “I wanted to say something to each of them. Just in case.”
His daughter Trish was there and she wasn’t happy with me.
“Please, change your mind,” she pleaded.
“It’s not my choice if he goes. He made that choice,” I told her.
“If my father doesn’t come back, I hold you responsible.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. Travis did.
“Now, now Trish, if I don’t come back it’s God’s will. Because the only other reason for me not to return is because I don’t want to. Truth, I love your mother, but I have been with all of you longer. I love my life. I’ll be back if given a choice.”
For some reason Trish didn’t look convinced, and admittedly that worried me.
The next morning Travis made breakfast so early the sun wasn’t even up. We were together, and alone. We spoke about a lot of things. I opened up to him about my family.
By two in the afternoon we heard that two of the team had made their journey. It was then Travis suggested we head out.
“Let’s go to Bea’s diner and grab a lunch special before they end for the day. Wouldn’t it be funny if I died or dropped off in the middle of the diner.”
“No, really, it wouldn’t be.”
Travis laughed.
I offered to drive, but he wanted to take his pick up. Plus, he knew how to get there. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried at first about getting into the truck with him. What if his moment came while driving?
Then I reasoned that I was with him. If Travis ‘went’ while driving, that put me in danger. What were the odds of me being in two deadly accidents in less than a month?
Slim.
With confidence I got in the truck.
My thinking was all wrong.
It was a small stretch of highway, a short cut to the next town where the infamous Bea’s Diner was located. We were driving down that highway when Travis broke into a reminiscent phase.
“Conway Twitty. Ever hear of him?” he asked.
“Can’t say that I have.”
“You’re kidding. Your father loved music and you never heard of him.”
“Who is he?”
“Good lord girl, only the greatest country singer known.”
“I thought Johnny Cash was.”
“Okay, gonna educate you,” Travis said and reached over, opening the glove compartment. A slew of cassette tapes rolled out.
I laughed. “I didn’t even think there were cassette tape players anymore.”
“Analog quality trumps digital. Hand me the Conway one.”
I rummaged through the old tapes finding the one for him and handing it over.
Sure enough he had a contraption in his truck that connected to the radio and allowed for him to play old tapes. After a few moments a song started playing.
“Only Make Believe,” he said. “Was before me and Janice’s time, but heck, we loved it. It was our song.”
Opening my mind, not a country music fan, I listened. It sounded familiar, but what made the love song more endearing was the peaceful look on Travis’s face as he listened.
“Now this is good stuff,” he said.
“Yeah it is.”
“Makes me think of her.”
When he said that, a switch flipped in m
e. I wanted to tell him to pull over, but before I could get the words out of my mouth, Travis froze and then his head dropped to the steering wheel.
“Travis!” I screamed, knowing full well there was nothing I could do. Reaching for the wheel, Conway Twitty blasting on the radio, I wasn’t fast enough. The pickup truck careened across the center line of the four lane road.
It jumped the small divider and was on the other side of the highway before I could jolt the wheel.
It was too late.
I tried. I really tried to keep my wits about me, but before I knew it, a screech of tires, and a Black SUV plowed full speed into us.
The blue pickup truck flew up in the air. As it did I felt the stingy ‘smack’ of the deployed air bag just before we smashed down and rolled three or four times, before we spun upside down like a top to a stop in the middle of the road.
Not once did I lose consciousness.
The air bag had softened and I breathed heavily. I wasn’t hurt. I didn’t feel hurt.
Conway Twitty sang.
“Travis.”
I looked over.
His eyes were open, still strapped in the belt, the blood poured from Travis’ head to the interior roof of the truck’s cab.
“Travis?”
The song ended.
“No.” I reached for the seatbelt. As I did, I saw it. My destiny. The hard hitting airbrakes caused me to look through the broken windshield. When I did, I saw the tractor trailer barreling our way. He was trying to stop.
I closed my eyes because I knew, a collision was inevitable.
I was right.
I sailed.
At least at first I believed I bodily sailed from the cab of that truck. Ejected outward until I spun and landed seamless on the side of the road, on my feet like a well trained gymnast.
It wasn’t my body that flew.
Standing on the side of the road, I realized I was no longer in my body when I saw the demolished truck not fifty feet from me.
Something was different.
Not only had I achieved lottery winning odds by being in another deadly crash, but where was the light? The bright flashes I experienced before? I watched as vehicles stopped, people rushed to Travis’ truck, and oddly enough, Conway Twitty still played.
Feeling defeated, I turned and that was when I saw Travis sitting on the side of the road.
We looked at each other.
“How about how this played out?” Travis asked.
I walked over to him. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.” I stood before him.
“Looks to me like you got dragged into my mess.”
“There’s a reason for it,” I said.
“Yeah, there’s a …” Travis titled his head. “A big reason.”
Where was he looking?
Turning slightly, I looked behind me. No longer was it our accident. No longer was it Travis’ truck smashed in the middle of the road. It was a station wagon.
Mixed with the sound of Conway Twitty were children crying.
Walking backwards, I watched it unfold as I sat next to Travis in the grass.
“Oh God!” the truck driver stumbled from his truck. “I didn’t see her. They crossed the center line. Someone go get help.”
Go get help.
The days before cell phones, before calling was quick and easy.
That truck driver pulled at the cars doors to the station wagon, crying out in agony with each child he removed.
The children. Travis’ children.
Then suddenly, standing by the station wagon was a woman.
It took me a moment to realize that woman was Travis’ wife. She stood above the bloodied body of a pregnant woman.
“Someone help my kids!” She cried out. “I didn’t mean this. I didn’t. Help them.”
“Janice.” Travis stood and called her name. His voice cut through all the noise.
Janice turned and looked.
“The kids will be fine, Janice. Even the baby.”
Janice stayed focused on Travis and walked to him. “Travis? What are you doing here?” Her hand shot to her mouth. “I was on my way home to you. Did you die? Am I dead?”
She didn’t look at me, or ask who I was. I believed she didn’t even see me. So why was I there?
“Yes, you are.” He said. “And …this isn’t how I thought it would be?”
“The babies,” Janice said. “How bad are they?”
“They’ll be fine.” Travis stared at her and took her hands.
“What are you doing here, Travis? Who’s gonna take care of our kids?”
“I will, Janice. They all do well. You don’t. I’m here to say goodbye to you. I need to know. Why were you coming home?”
“I was up all night. I couldn’t sleep. I knew leaving was a mistake,” She said. “I’m so sorry, Travis.”
“Me, too, I was calling you. I’m so sorry. Please know that everything I ever told you was wrong. I always loved you. I never wanted to lose you.”
“I know that I …” Janice paused. “Travis.”
“Yes.”
“This happened a while ago, didn’t it?”
“Yeah, yeah it did.”
At that point they were close and Travis reached out to her, grabbing on to Janice and embracing her.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I am so sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
She pulled back and titled her head. “It’s been years.”
“Many.”
“Why ... how ….”
“I got the chance. I was given the chance to have one more moment with you.”
“I don’t understand.”
I was confused. Why didn’t she understand? She was supposed to know. Supposed to help Travis find his resolution.
“It’s okay,” Travis said. “Just know, I never stopped loving you.”
“The kids?’
“Oh, they’re great. We have grandchildren now. Many. They’re amazing.”
Something wasn’t right. “Travis?” I called out.
He looked at me.
The Janice asked. “What are you looking at?”
“Do you see her?” Travis asked.
“Who?” Janice questioned.
Travis pointed.
Janice looked my way. “What am I looking at.”
Why didn’t she see me?
“She doesn’t see you.” Travis said.
“See who?” asked Janice.
“Something is wrong.” Said Travis.
Upon his words, behind him and Janice a great light appeared.
“No. No.” I rushed to Travis. “Say goodbye, Travis. Give me your hand.” I held out.
Janice looked at the light. “I guess we should go.”
“No,” Travis said. “Just you.”
“Travis?” Janice said with question. “No.”
“Yeah. It’s not my time.” Travis replied.
I extended my hand again. “Travis. Now. Let’s go.”
“It’s been good seeing you, Janice. I love you. But I need to go back to our kids.” He kissed her softly and reached for my hand. His fingers slipped though my palm.
When they did, my soul dropped.
“Unfortunately, Travis,” Janice said. “It is your time.”
“No!” I yelled.
‘Over here!” A voice cried in the distance. “She’s alive!”
That caused me to look over my shoulder. No longer was it the station wagon, but Travis’ truck and they were pulling my body out.
With partially closed eyes, Travis shook his head. “How about that? It was my time after all.”
“No. No.” I rushed to him. But I ran right through him.
Janice held his hand. “Let’s go, Travis.”
There was a painful look on Travis’ face. “I didn’t expect this.”
“No!” I screamed. “This is not fair!”
“You’re fading kiddo,” Travis told me.
“What?” I looked down to my hand, it was see-through.
“I guess this is goodbye,” he said. “Tell my family about the videos and that I’m good. I’m very good.”
Travis and Janice didn’t walk into the light. I didn’t get to see that. I was pulled away from them, watching them fade from my view as I was sucked backwards.
Pulled away until they were no longer in my sight.
I cried out a painful, ‘No’ and found myself snapped back to my body, staring up to the face of a rescue worker as I was pelted with a tremendous amount of pain .
“You’ll be all right, Ma’am, just hold on.” he said. “Hold on.”
I knew physically, I’d be all right. I closed my eyes and cried. I suppose the rescue worker believed I was in pain, that my tears were over my injuries. But they weren’t, they were over my loss and failure.
24. FINAL RESOLUTION
Following the accident, I woke to find Fr. Craig sitting next to my bed. He was the first to arrive from my team, and surprisingly, he didn’t smell like alcohol.
“I’m curtailing,” he said. “Not saying I’m conquering, but I am definitely going to try to curtail.”
I believed his finding resolution in our mission helped his need to find a bottle every second. Before long, he would get back to the church sober.
The doctors came in and miraculously, I had no injuries. A few cuts and scrapes, but for the accident I experienced, I should have been hurt. I wasn’t. I had a pretty powerful force watching out for me.
Travis wasn’t so lucky. I was devastated by his death, and the visit from his daughter Trish didn’t help. She blasted me, saying it was my fault. Even though I wasn’t driving, she’d find a way to hold me responsible.
Fr. Craig came to my defense. “Your father had a heart attack while driving. It was his time to go.”
“Then if it was his time to go, why even bother with all this trip to heaven bull,” Trish argued.
I didn’t have an answer. I could only repeatedly tell her I was sorry.
“It’s not enough,” were her last words before she left.
“I don’t get it,” I told Craig. “Why did I have to be in the accident. If it was time, if I wasn’t going to be hurt, then why did I cross over again.”
Bill finally arrived upon my asking that question. It surprised me that it took him so long, seeing as he had a direct route. “Resolution,” Bill replied. “One of the things that happened when the chosen didn’t return was the Called, people like you, never knew. You needed that resolution. You saw it unfold. You saw him say what he needed to say to his wife, and you saw that not returning wasn’t his choice. It is resolved for you. Sad about it as you may be. You know the answers. He got his resolution.”
The Other Side of Heaven Page 9