by Avril Ashton
“You should know that I’m not a threat to you,” Quinn said. “You have nothing to worry about from me.”
Dima barked a laugh and turned, facing Quinn head on. He stepped forward. Quinn automatically moved back, but Dima didn’t stop coming until he was chest to chest with Quinn, his mouth at Quinn’s ear. “Of course you’re not a threat. Otherwise you wouldn’t have made it to my front door,” he murmured before lifting his head. The Russian looked truly amused. “I’m not worried about my relationship, Quinn. It’s untouchable.” The fierce glint was back in his eyes. “What I’m worried about is the effect your presence will have on Xavier. His guilt over what happened to you is still very much alive. He still blames himself. Seeing you will hurt him, and I’ve killed people for far less important things than hurting the man I’m tryna lock down for life.”
“Who are we killing today?” The question came from the doorway, and hidden as he was behind Dima’s body, Quinn couldn’t see. But he recognized his ex-husband’s voice, and his heart did that thing it used to do.
It lurched.
Oh Jesus.
“Rush?”
Dima turned toward Xavier, giving Quinn his back. “You have a visitor, Mr. Storm.”
Quinn stepped out from his hiding place. “Xavier.”
“Quinn.” Xavier reared back, eyes wide in surprise. “What are you doing here?” He looked from Quinn back to Dima. “What—”
“I, uh…” Quinn shrugged. “I figured a conversation between us is long overdue.”
Xavier’s eyes narrowed as he glanced between Quinn and Dima before settling on Dima with a raised eyebrow. “Were you threatening to kill Quinn?”
Dima walked up to Xavier. “Of course not. Why would I do that?” He slid a palm over Xavier’s bald head. “I’ll be inside.” He stepped past Xavier who grabbed his hand and yanked him back into his arms.
Quinn watched as his ex kissed his new lover then bent to whisper something in his ear. Dima nodded then disappeared, until it was just the three of them: Quinn, Xavier, and their past.
They stood facing each other in tense, awkward silence. There’d been a time when everything about the two of them was easy and effortless. But Quinn had killed all that.
“Quinn.” Xavier’s hands were at his sides, but his gaze was on Quinn. Completely on him, making him feel as if he were under a microscope.
He spun away and went back to staring at the view, trying to get his thoughts aligned, fighting to rise above the panic that gripped him so tight. “You kept Carol around,” he said softly.
“She refused to leave me alone.” Xavier joined him in the staring game. “She kept me fed and alive.”
When you left. Xavier didn’t have to say it for Quinn to hear the accusation.
He dropped his gaze to his fingers as they twisted up around each other. “Why don’t you hate me?” he whispered.
“What? Why should I hate you?”
“I was a coward.” Fuck, but the words tore at him. And it wasn’t the memories of the assault that were stealing his breath and his strength, it was what he’d done. What he’d thrown away. “I should have stayed.” He faced Xavier, spoke in hard, clipped words. “I should have fought for us. I should have been stronger. I should have tried.”
“No.” Xavier’s bark made Quinn jump. “Quinn. Shit.” He rubbed his head, a pained grimace on his strong face. “You shouldn’t have done anything. You did what was right for you. For you.”
“At the expense of you.” Quinn touched him, a tentative brush of his fingertips across Xavier’s jaw. He moved in closer. “At the expense of us.” He hadn’t been thinking about what his action would do to Xavier. He’d been selfish, concerned only about himself. He’d cared only of getting away from the memories and he’d left Xavier sitting in all that mess, alone. “I’m so sorry.”
“I told you, don’t fucking apologize to me.” Xavier gripped him by the shoulder, tight enough for Quinn to really feel and remember. “It’s because of me that you were hurt. It’s because of me that you had to suffer.” His eyes blazed. “Do not apologize to me.”
Quinn wrapped his arms around Xavier’s waist and buried his face in the other man’s chest. Xavier caught him, held him, squeezed him. His warmth and his smell and his strength, they were all familiar, all comforting now. Quinn allowed himself to grieve that loss. To mourn all the things stolen from him, from them.
“I wanted to stay, but I hated that house. I needed you near, but I hated your touch,” he said softly. “I wanted to comfort you, but everything about you reminded me of them.”
“I’m sorry,” Xavier murmured against his temple. “I’m sorry.” His chest shuddered under Quinn’s, the words vibrating. He palmed the back of Quinn’s head as he kept whispering those words. “I’m so sorry, Quinn.”
Dima had been right about Xavier’s guilt. Quinn lifted his head and met Xavier’s red-rimmed eyes. “I blame myself and you blame you.” He shook his head and cupped Xavier’s face. “What have we done to ourselves?”
Xavier snorted. “I’ve missed you.” His eyes were wet. “For the longest time I walked around feeling like a limb was missing. You were a part of me. You still are.”
Quinn nodded. “Missed you too.” Maybe he’d missed him more. “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your attempts to get in contact.” He pursed his lips and admitted. “I was in a dark place. Been there for a long time.”
“And now?”
“And now…” Quinn drew the words out. “Now there’s someone I want to come out of that dark place for.”
Xavier’s eyes widened. “You met someone?”
“Yes, and that’s part of the reason why I’m here.” He pulled away from Xavier and leaned against the balcony. “We’re both damaged men, but he’s… more.”
“Explain.”
The one word command had Quinn smiling. So Xavier. “Our situations are somewhat similar.” Quickly he gave Xavier a rundown of the situation without sharing too much about Tek. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Do you want to try?”
“More than anything.” Quinn straightened against the wall. “I want to give him whatever he needs. I want… I want to make him happy.”
The corners of Xavier’s mouth curved up into a smile. “You don’t think you can do that being who you are?”
“Thing is—” Quinn took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’m that person anymore. In the very few instances I’ve had at trying to get close to someone since—” He waved a hand —“since then, every instinct inside me wants to be the one calling the shots, the one in control, the one giving the orders.” He stared up at Xavier. “Do you think it’s just a fluke, just me wanting to claim what was taken from me, or do you believe this, what I feel now, is for real?”
Xavier shrugged. “How does it feel when you’re in charge? Does it fit, does it come easily, or are you playing a part?”
“It’s my default mode,” Quinn said. “And it’s easy. With Te— With him it’s as natural as breathing. The man I was, I can’t go back. I don’t want to go back.”
“Then you have your answer.” Xavier grinned then sobered quickly. “You’re not as broken as you seem to think you are, Quinn. Never as damaged, either. What you are is a survivor, a fighter. Go with your instinct, and I think you’ll both be happy.” He leaned forward. “Who is this dude anyway? Is he a good guy? Does he treat you right? Because I can and will make his life difficult.”
“I don’t recall asking you those questions about your Russian.” The lighthearted feeling in Quinn’s chest grew bigger and he couldn’t help smiling. “I googled him, you know. When I was feeling all sorry for myself and desperate to know the name of the gorgeous man who’d stolen my ex’s heart.”
Xavier chuckled. “Then if you googled him you know he’s no good guy.” He framed Quinn’s face with both hands and leaned forward to whisper against his forehead. “But he treats me right, Quinn. And I do my best to reciprocate.”
> “He makes you happy.”
Xavier nodded. “He makes me happy.”
And Quinn wanted happiness for him. The realization was bitter-sweet. All the years he’d been sitting around thinking one day, he’d have his husband back. He’d have their life back. Letting go of that illusion wasn’t as hard as it should have been. Being happy his ex had someone else, that he had love again, maybe that was a sign that he was growing up and moving past everything.
“I’m glad,” he told Xavier. “Never thought we’d be here.”
“But we are.”
They were. “I love you,” he told Xavier. Because it was true, would always be true. “That life, our life, I loved it. You were the best husband, the best man I’ve ever known. You gave me happiness. You gave me joy. You gave me love.” He cleared his throat. “You gave this little black boy everything his heart ever desired, even when my heart wanted to be free of our marriage.”
“Quinn.” Xavier’s fingers tightened on his face. “You were my husband. That meant putting your happiness above mine. That meant letting you go and hoping you’d come back.”
“I didn’t come back.”
“No. And I had to get used to that too. I had to live with that too. And I loved you then too.”
Maybe if their lives hadn’t been hijacked they’d be together now. Maybe not. Either way Quinn was grateful for the time they had. He was grateful he knew what being loved felt like. He’d experienced loving and being loved all thanks to Xavier Storm.
He stood on tiptoe and brushed his lips over Xavier’s. “Thank you,” he murmured. “For loving me. For showing me how to do it, how to love a man completely and without shame. Thank you for giving me all of you. Because you never failed to let me know I had all of you.” He smiled. “It’s a beautiful thing, being loved by you. I know the man waiting for you inside can attest to that.”
Xavier gathered him close and kissed his temple. “You’re making me all fucking sentimental and I don’t like it,” he said hoarsely. “But I love you, Quinn. I always will. You’re forever a part of me and I won’t change it for anything. Nothing will make me regret our life together.”
Quinn felt the same and no, he wouldn’t change it either.
****
“Hey.” Tek nodded at Reggie when he opened the door to Israel’s house in Queens. “He here?”
Reggie stepped out of the way so Tek could enter and jerked a thumb toward the kitchen. “He’s out back.”
The low rumble of voices, and the aroma of smoke and meat hit Tek. “Y’all grilling?”
“Uh huh.” Reggie led him through the house to the kitchen then jerked a chin toward the door leading out to the small fenced in backyard. “Got visitors.”
The last thing Tek wanted was to mingle. He had too much on his mind. He’d been calling and failing to get in contact with Quinn, and the different scenarios as to why fucked with his head. He’d found himself questioning whether it was coincidence that he bared his soul to Quinn then have him disappear. Was this a rejection, Quinn’s silent treatment? He’d even went as far as to go to the house, but no matter how many times he rang the bell, Quinn didn’t answer. He could have broken in, but what would be the point?
Just as he’d decided Quinn was indeed avoiding him, he’d gotten his lover’s text that he had taken a trip to New York. That he was with Israel. So now Tek had to wonder some more, because only one thing was in New York that Quinn wanted.
Laughter from the backyard drifted to him and he squared his shoulders with a sigh. He followed Reggie out the backdoor.
“You remember Quinn, right?”
Tek stopped. Jerked his head up. Reggie stood directly in front of him so he had to step to the side. He wished he didn’t. Wished he hadn’t. Quinn sat there, close to his ex on a bench in Israel’s backyard. Laughing at some inside joke. Talking, with Quinn staring up in Xavier’s face.
Tek stepped backward. Quinn hadn’t seen him yet. Everything in him wanted to march over there and yank Quinn away from Xavier’s side, to snarl at him to stay the hell away from Quinn. But did that right belong to Tek? The worst part? The most fucked up part? Seeing Quinn next to Xavier hurt way more than he’d ever hurt seeing Elias and his husband together.
Israel looked up from the grill and spotted him. “Tek.”
He froze.
Quinn jumped to his feet. “Tek.” The beginnings of a smile brightened his face, making Tek ache even more.
He took another step back, and the smile dropped from Quinn’s face, a frown replacing it pretty quickly.
“What—”
Tek spun away, giving them his back.
‘Tek.”
Sounded as if Quinn was coming closer, and the last thing Tek wanted was for everyone to witness his shame and humiliation. He climbed the few steps intent on getting back into the house.
“Xiao Chen. If you run, I’m chasing you.”
He froze, feet refusing to move. Whatever that tone was Quinn used just now, it echoed in Tek’s chest, made him want to listen.
“Yo, X. Did he just use your voice on Tek?” Israel asked.
“Forget that,” Reggie said. “Did Quinn just call him by his government, though?”
He drowned them out as he stood there, body vibrating. He wanted to escape the eyes on him, the other men watching him reveal himself to Quinn. Again. But more than anything he wanted to turn right back around and have the look in Quinn’s eyes match his tenor. Because that? That tone could make Tek forgive him anything, promise him everything.
“Xiao Chen.” Quinn spoke softer this time, but it spurred Tek into action.
He swung around and went to Quinn, reaching him in three strides. Tek grabbed him by the front of his shirt and slammed him into the fence, getting up close on him. He pushed his face into the crook of Quinn’s neck. To smell him, feel him, experience him.
“Goddamn it,” he snarled through clenched teeth. “You know you send me to my knees every time you call me that.” He lifted his head to find Quinn’s eyes were huge, his nostrils flared. He didn’t appear afraid of Tek, the rough handling. He wasn’t fighting, wasn’t resisting. What he did was lick his lips and pull Tek even closer with one hand on his hip.
Fuck.
“I like you on your knees.” The cadence of Quinn’s voice, like he was imparting a secret, hit Tek in the balls.
He shuddered. “Stop.” But for Quinn, he’d live on his knees. He fought to keep his thoughts on the matter at hand. “What are you doing here?” he whispered. “With him?”
Quinn’s gaze narrowed. “Were you gonna walk away without any context to go with what you saw?”
“What’s the context?”
“Quinn.”
Tek tensed when he recognized Xavier’s voice over his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” Xavier asked.
Quinn didn’t look away from Tek. “I got this.”
“What’s the context?” Tek tightened his hold on Quinn. “Because you left your house, which you almost never do, to fly to another state to see a man you’ve been married to. Who you still love. Tell me the context, Quinn.”
“I came to clear things up between us. I was apologizing for hurting him, he did the same. I was saying goodbye to my past and embracing my future.” His lashes lowered. “Which is you, by the way.”
Tek stared at him. He heard the words, but understanding them might take some time.
“Tek?” Quinn sounded unsure suddenly.
“Fuck. I’m supposed to think straight when you drop words like that?”
A relieved smile flickered over Quinn’s face. “Not really, no.”
This dude. “We need to move.”
“What?” Quinn frowned. “Why?”
Tek glanced over his shoulder at the three men standing there, blatantly watching them with curious stares. “We need to find someplace less public so I can take my clothes off and let you touch me.”
Quinn inhaled.
“You fucking me in
mixed company is not the best way to begin a relationship, but I’m gonna need you to do that.”
“Huh?” Quinn blinked. “To do what?”
The stunned expression on the other man’s face was priceless. Tek smirked. “Fuck me. I’m gonna need you to do that. Some place. Any place. Now.”
Quinn slid a hand up from Tek’s waist to his chest, touching the hollow in his throat while his eyes seemed to get bigger and bigger, and darker and darker. Didn’t mask the arousal though. Nah, that blazed hot.
For Tek.
“You said relationship.” Quinn canted his hips forward, his erection grazing Tek’s hip and making his jerk in reaction.
He bit off a groan. “My place is five blocks away.”
Quinn’s fingers tightened painfully on Tek’s chest. “Then why are we standing here?”
“Well. You were eye-fucking me.” He flicked his tongue over Quinn’s nose. “Wasn’t about to put a stop to that,” he murmured.
“There’s more where that came from.”
“I’m holding you to that.” Tek stepped back. “Say goodbye to your ex before we break outta here.”
With a grateful smile Quinn went to Xavier. Tek remained with his back to them, but he heard Xavier’s questions.
“This is who you’re—”
“Yes.” Quinn didn’t expound on the affirmative, and Tek smiled to himself.
“Are you sure about this?” Xavier asked and again, Quinn gave him a one word reply.
“Yes.”
Tek exhaled loudly.
“Aye.” Israel stood next him. “About time.”
Tek nodded. “Yeah.”
Israel slapped him on the back. “Don’t fuck it up.” He walked away before Tek could laugh because they both knew fucking up was inevitable.
Quinn said his goodbyes, and Tek grabbed his hand, pulled him out the backyard, through Israel’s house and stuffed him into his car. He wasn’t giving the other man any time to change his mind, to renege on that promise burning in his gaze whenever he looked at Tek.