Midnight Ballerina

by Cori Williams

  “Yeah and me the boys took off a little early since we’re ahead of schedule. We planned on hitting up the bar later, you want to come with us?”

  “Nah, I’m just gonna go hang out at home.”

  Tanner rolled his eyes. “Still poutin’ about Monroe? The two of you were good together. I mean, you actually seemed happy for once in your life, but you can’t be depressed about it, especially when you were such an asshole.”

  “Tanner, just shut the hell up.”

  “Whatever. You need to get out, Miller, just have a couple of beers. You owe me a favor anyway.”

  “What in the hell do I owe you for?” I turned back toward my computer to print out an invoice to send to a client. I wasn’t used to doing this anymore and it was just another reminder of Monroe not being in my life any more. It was killing me.

  Tanner plopped down in one of my chairs. “Since I dropped all of Monroe’s stuff off for you. Did you really have to be such a douchebag and throw all of her stuff in garbage bags? I mean, you could have at least packed it up in some boxes. And she acted like she didn’t even know you had kicked her out. That’s pretty low, man.”

  “Tanner, what in the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t kick Monroe out, she won’t answer my calls.”

  “Well, I can see why,” he muttered.

  “You still didn’t explain what you meant about ‘when you dropped all of her stuff off’?” My voice rose as I became more agitated.

  “Your ma called me up, asked if I could drop Monroe’s stuff off to her. She said you didn’t want to have to see Monroe again since things were over between the two of you, but she didn’t want me to mention it because she figured you would get all depressed again. I guess I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

  “No, you shouldn’t have. God, I can’t believe I’ve been so fucking stupid.” I slammed my hand down on the desk. “No wonder Monroe hasn’t been answering my phone calls. She probably thinks I’m the biggest jackass.”

  “Well you kind of are.” Tanner smirked but it was quickly wiped off his face when I jumped to my feet, slamming my fist into the door. It felt good to release some of the heat growing inside of me but I was still shaking with anger and I didn’t think I could do anything to calm that down.

  “I didn’t tell anyone to pack Monroe’s stuff up.”

  “Um….” Tanner laughed nervously. “Well didn’t you notice her stuff was gone yesterday? I dropped it off to her then. Your ma had everything waiting for me.”

  “I didn’t go home last night,” I seethed, pacing back and forth in the small space of my office. “I slept here. I haven’t been able to sleep at home since our fight. I missed her when she was at her parents’ house, but now it’s different.” I blew out a breath. “I can’t believe my ma pulled a stunt like this.” My bed didn’t feel the same without her and I knew it wouldn’t until she came back, but apparently my ma was trying to make sure that didn’t happen.

  After all of the things she’d done over the years, this had to have been the worst. Monroe meant more to me than anyone in the world and I’d be damned if my ma was going to rip her out of it because she was jealous of our relationship.

  “I’ve gotta piss and I’m going to give you some time to cool down. Sorry bud.” He slapped me on the back. “Sorry, man, I should’ve known you wouldn’t have been that big of a dickhead, to Monroe at least.”

  I grunted in response, my fingers twitching as I grabbed my phone, needing to make things right. I just hoped it wasn’t too late. I called Monroe five times in a row, not getting an answer once and it was frustrating as hell. I knew she would probably tell me to fuck off, not in those exact words, but in a nicer, Monroe way, but I needed to talk to her.

  Now more than ever.

  Tanner walked back into my office and I grabbed onto his arm. “Dude, give me Amelia’s number.”

  “For what? Why would you think I have blondie’s number?”

  “Because you took all of Monroe’s stuff over to her apartment and you knew where she was, don’t play dumb. Amelia’s number,” I repeated impatiently.

  “Um….let me make a phone call.” He held up a finger and walked out front to the receptionist area.

  “Tanner, just give me the phone!” I yelled at him from the doorway. He shook his head, turning away from me, and I slammed my hand against the doorframe, not knowing what in the hell to do.

  “Okay,” he said, pushing on my shoulder to walk back into my office. “I got a hold of Amelia. She’s with Monroe.” I blew out a breath, relieved that I would finally be able to get to Monroe and tell her what a jackass I’d been, clear up the misunderstanding that I still couldn’t believe happened, and hope that she would even listen to me. “All right, where is she?”

  “Well, promise you won’t go bat-shit crazy?”

  “Where is she, Tanner?” I bit out, not in the mood for any of his games.

  Tanner sighed loudly. “Just don’t act like a dumbass. I’ll drive you and get you there safely. She’s in the hospital. Amelia’s with her, I’m not really sure what happened.”

  My stomach dropped and I pushed past Tanner, who tried to stop me, reminding me that he was going to drive so I didn’t get myself into an accident, but I didn’t have time to wait for him. As soon as I got into my truck I slammed my foot down onto the gas pedal as hard as possible. I couldn’t get there fast enough as the panic started to set in. Monroe was going to be all right, I kept repeating to myself over and over in my head. Now, I just had to get myself there in one piece.

  I GROANED AS my eyelids fluttered open, immediately noticing a throbbing ache in the back of my head. I felt a hand in mine and realized it was Amelia once I was able to focus my eyes. “Where in the hell am I?”

  Amelia’s head snapped in my direction and she grinned widely. “You’re finally awake! That was some nap you had yourself there.”

  “It doesn’t feel like it, I’m exhausted.”

  “Probably the pain meds they gave you when you got here. You’re in the hospital. Do you remember everything that happened?”

  “Um….” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I remember talking to Carleton and him apologizing to me and after that I started to get this horrible pain. I threw up…and I’m guessing I passed out after that?” I gripped my stomach as another flare of pain ran through it and Amelia patted my hand.

  “Well, I heard a few people starting to yell about some girl that had passed out. You weren’t back yet, so I started to worry, especially when I didn’t see Carleton anywhere, so I ran in that same direction. I figured that asshole had tried to do something to you, but he explained what happened. We tried to call an ambulance for you but you kept going in and out of consciousness, refusing one, so I brought you to the hospital. You don’t remember waking up at all?”

  “Not really.” I shook my head and clenched my stomach again. “This pain is excruciating,” I whimpered slightly and Amelia frowned.

  “Sorry, sweetie. You’ve been complaining about that every time you come to for a few minutes. I did mention your endo when I brought you in. Oh, and here’s the doctor now.”

  Amelia sat back as the doctor who came in started asking me questions and I answered them as best as I could. He made a few notes, telling me that a nurse would be in shortly. I must’ve fallen asleep again because I didn’t even remember him leaving the room before the nurse was tapping lightly on my shoulder.

  “Hi there. This might be a little cold, so I didn’t want to shock you. I’ll be really quick.” I opened my eyes to see her squeezing gel onto my belly and then she was rubbing an instrument across it as she took an ultrasound, looking at a screen as she went on taking several shots on her computer, murmuring to herself all along. “All right, we’re all set. The doctor should be in shortly.”

  “Thanks.” The pain was getting worse, but there wasn’t much I could do. Amelia said they’d given me pain meds as soon as I got here, checked the back of my head to see if there was a concussion and tol
d her that I would be staying overnight just for observation.

  “I’m going to go make a few phone calls. Are you going to be all right for a few minutes?”

  “Yup, I’m good.” I shut my eyes for a little while, opening them when I heard someone come in and realized it was the doctor who sat down on the stool and slid over to my bedside.

  “So, you have a ruptured cyst along with that nasty bump on your head.”

  “A ruptured cyst?” I repeated and he nodded his head.

  “Cysts can rupture at any time, and that’s why you’re feeling the discomfort right now. We have the ultrasound here and, fortunately for your sake, it doesn’t look like a bad one. We’ll get you some medication and it should clear up on its own without having to do surgery.”

  “Well there’s my first good news of the night,” I grumbled and the doctor smiled.

  “Yes, it is. Try to get some rest if you can. I’ll be back to check on you in the morning and if everything checks out, you’ll be good to go.”

  I HEARD MURMURING around me before I even opened my eyes, and felt someone’s hand covering mine again. I peeled my eyes open slowly and expected to see Amelia, but instead I saw Miller, so I closed them once again, figuring that I was having some messed up dream due to the medicine that I was on. I popped one open, only to see him still sitting there. He moved to pull his hand away from mine, but I pulled back, not wanting to let it go just yet. If this was a dream, I was going to take advantage of it.

  He had a light scruff covering his chiseled jaw and his brown eyes looked down at me with worry. I couldn’t remember if today was Saturday, but I thought it was, and still, he was in the clothes he normally wore to the office—a white button up shirt with the top two buttons undone, and rolled at the sleeves. I saw his suit coat laying on a nearby chair, so I was guessing he’d been here for a while. If he really was here.

  He stroked my wrist with his thumb, his eyebrows knitted together as he stared down at me. “How are you feeling?”

  That made me believe it was real, so I yanked my hand out of his, missing the feeling, but I didn’t know what in the hell was going on and Miller’s touch tended to make me not be able to think. Right now, I needed my head on as straight as it could get. Judging by where I was currently lying, that was sort of difficult.

  I ignored his question because I couldn’t really explain how I was feeling, confused would probably be a good word for it. “What are you doing here?”

  His forehead creased as he pressed a hand to his temple and scooted his chair closer to my bed. He didn’t try to take my hand in his again, which was probably a good thing because I’m not sure how I would’ve reacted. He’d hurt me beyond belief, ripping my heart into a million pieces and they felt like they would never go back together

  “I was looking for you, I wanted to come find you and talk about everything. I’ve been an asshole. I know you were just trying to protect me so I wouldn’t get hurt again.”

  “Yup,” I agreed. “You’ve been a complete asshole and that’s not really easy for me to forget. I know I probably stepped over a line, but I just didn’t want to see you get hurt.”

  “I know, and I don’t know why I didn’t realize that at the time. I overreacted and I see that now. I never packed up your stuff, Monroe. I didn’t want you to move out. I don’t want things to end between us.”

  “You didn’t?” I whispered and he shook his head, gulping thickly.

  “My ma did. I had no idea.”

  “Oh, Miller.” I scooped up his hand to squeeze it. More than anything, my heart hurt for Miller and what his mom had done, not to me or how it damaged our relationship, but the simple fact that she could do that to her own son when anyone could see that he was happy, and how we felt about each other.

  “I wanted to find you so I could explain what happened and then Tanner got a hold of Amelia for me and she said you were in the hospital. I’ve never been so scared in my life, Monroe. I had no clue what happened and I knew I couldn’t lose you. Can you forgive me for acting like a complete idiot?”

  “I don’t know, Miller.” I closed my eyes, all of my energy having been drained out of me once again. “I don’t know if I can go through that. What if your mom leaves and everything goes back to normal for us, and then she shows up a few years later. Are you going to treat me like that again? I know what she did by packing up my things wasn’t your fault, but the way you made me leave really hurt.”

  He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face before moving to rest it right next to mine, just an inch closer and his hand would be in mine again but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it there or not.

  “It won’t happen again, Monroe. I know what my ma does to me and I’m not saying I’ll be able to completely shut her out of my life, but I’m not going to let her get close again. I didn’t realize how painful it would be not to have you in my life and I’m guessing it hasn’t been too easy for you either.”

  “Nope, not all,” I whispered.

  “I can’t promise that I’m going to be able to change overnight, Monroe, but I can promise you that I’ll work on it. Do you think we can give things another try?”

  “I don’t know, Miller.” I turned to look away because I could see how crushed he was by my answer. I wanted nothing more than Miller to be in my life, but I was confused. My head and heart were a mess, so I needed to think things through before jumping right back into a relationship with him. “I need some time to think.”

  “All right,” he answered quietly, standing up and hesitantly bending down, pressing a kiss to my forehead and that gentle, simple touch sent a shiver through my whole body, making me want to grab onto him and never let go. He pushed my hair behind my ear before leaning in, his lips brushing gently against it as he spoke. “I love you,” he whispered hoarsely.

  It was a good thing I was laying down because if not, I probably would’ve passed out when those words fell from his lips. I didn’t think hearing them would affect me so much, since the little ways that he had shown me his love were so special, but there was just something about him actually saying them that shot straight to my heart and tugged the hell out of it. I knew how hard it was for him and that it had taken a lot out of him to be able to say that.

  He pulled away, quietly saying, “Bye,” but I latched onto his arm to stop him.

  “I love you, too.”

  It was true, I did, I had never stopped even after everything. His eyes lit up and I wanted to tell him to stay so bad, but I couldn’t, and sadly, I watched him walk away.

  AS SOON AS I got home, I went to find my ma. Monroe not being able to forgive me right away, crushed me, but I understood. I was still beating myself up for how I had talked to her when all she was trying to do was protect me.

  “Oh, hey, Miller. I didn’t think you were coming home.” My ma looked up from where she was stuffing clothes into her bag, standing at the foot of the bed in the spare room she had been staying in.

  “Going somewhere?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe. I don’t know why I asked. I already knew the answer. I knew it would happen sooner or later once I handed her a check on Thursday.

  Monroe had been right, she asked for money just like she expected her to. My ma wasn’t going to change, no matter how hard I tried or how much money I gave her.

  “Well, yeah. I need to get back and pay the money I owe. Thanks for that again, by the way. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “Yeah,” I scratched the back of my head. “Don’t plan on coming back, though.”

  “What do you mean, Miller?” She stopped packing, and turned to look at me. “I know I don’t visit as often as I should, but I miss seeing my son.”

  I hated to say the words, but I knew it was the truth and I don’t know why it took me so long to understand it.

  “I’m not your son. Mamaw is more of a mom to me than you’ve ever been and will ever be, so stop coming back. Just stay away, so I don’t have to deal with you showing u
p unannounced anymore and the drama that you bring along with you. I can’t believe you packed Monroe’s stuff up, trying to sabotage something so good in my life. Don’t you think I deserve some happiness? Or do you want me to be just as messed up as you?”

  “Miller.” She pressed a hand to her mouth. “I was just trying to protect you. I can tell that girl is after you for your—” She stopped, probably feeling like an idiot because she had a check sitting in her pocket signed by me. I knew Monroe wasn’t with me for the money, but I couldn’t care less what my ma thought.

  “You can get out now.”

  “You don’t mean that. I know I haven’t been there for you, but I tried the best I knew how. You’re back with her, aren’t you?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “And I don’t know if I ever will be because I chose to stick up for you when she was only trying to make sure I didn’t get hurt. I was just too stupid to realize it at the time. So, good luck and please, don’t come back again.”

  I left her standing there, her mouth gaping open, unshed tears glistening in her eyes, but I couldn’t find the need to care. I was done with my ma and all of the bullshit she brought along with her whenever she showed up.

  And then I headed straight back to where I really belonged, whether she wanted me or not.

  “ROE, ARE YOU okay?” Amelia’s hand was on my shoulder, shaking me slightly, and I felt myself relax, as I peeled my eyes open and saw her hovering over with me with a concerned look.

  “Um…I think so, just a bad dream.” I sat up straighter, not wanting to let myself go back to sleep right now in fear of having another one. I couldn’t remember all the details, but Miller was in it and his mom, the hatred she had for me evident in her eyes.

  “Listen, Miller’s here, he’s been out in the waiting room all night. Do you think you want to see him?”

  “I don’t know,” I pushed my head back onto the pillow, groaning. Seeing Miller right now was exactly what I needed, he would be able to comfort me like no one else could, but that would also make me weak. I was a big girl, I could handle things on my own. But, right now, I was just going to give in to my weakness because I needed Miller. “Will you have him come in?”