Songs Unfinished

by Holly Stratimore

  “Yeah.” Shawn extracted towels from the dispenser and began drying her hands, stepping aside so Devin could do the same before holding the door for her so they could exit together. Shawn took a step toward the bar and asked, “You want something? I need another drink. I’ll get one for Sara, too, if you want.”

  “Yeah, I suppose I should get her something so she won’t be jealous of me joining you for a drink at the bar without her.” Devin smiled as they stepped up to the bar. Shawn realized she must have looked as panicked as she felt, because Devin quickly said, “I’m just kidding. Sara knows I only have eyes for her.”

  Shawn relaxed and smiled. There was a warmth about Devin that immediately put Shawn at ease. Shawn glanced over to their table and saw Sara smiling at Devin as she joked with her friends. “That’s obvious. Bet she feels the same way.”

  Devin simply grinned back at her girlfriend and nodded. They ordered drinks and Devin resumed the conversation. “Jaymi’s pretty awesome up there, huh?”

  “She’s the best.”

  Their drinks arrived and Shawn insisted on paying for all three. Devin leaned close so she could speak softly. “Don’t tell anybody, but I had a little crush on Jaymi when we first met.” She giggled. “Uh-oh, maybe I shouldn’t have ordered another drink…loosens up my tongue way too much.” She smiled widely and blushed.

  Shawn would have been jealous had she not felt so comfortable with Devin’s refreshing honesty. “I can’t blame you for that. I’ve practically idolized her since I met her.” She looked away, hoping her real feelings, whatever those were, didn’t show on her face. “But not in a sick way, I’m not a stalker or anything. I admire her and what she’s doing. I look up to her—there’s nothing wrong with that, is there? I’m a musician, I love her music, and now I’m getting to know her as a person, and…” Shawn stopped talking, realizing she was digging a hole.

  “And you’re learning that the person behind all those wonderful, soul-moving songs is just as amazing. And not only that, she also happens to be one of the sweetest, most genuine people you’ll ever meet.”

  “Ain’t that the truth.”

  “I was a bit starstruck around her at first, too. I think it actually makes her uncomfortable when people act nervous around her. She couldn’t care less about being famous. She’s fine with just hanging back playing guitar while Nikki gets all the attention.”

  “Yeah, I got that, too,” Shawn replied, feeling a bit stupid about the times she’d acted like a crazed fan herself.

  “She is damn good, though. She’s crazy if she thinks no one’s paying attention to her.”

  “Yeah, no shit.” I can’t take my eyes off her.

  Devin patted her on the arm and picked up their drinks. “And from what she’s told me, you’re not so bad yourself. Maybe next time we’ll get to hear you sing.”

  Shawn followed her back to the table. Jaymi had talked about her. And not just her problems, as Sara had mentioned, but about her voice, too. What did that mean? Nothing. Don’t be stupid. They’re her friends, and you tell friends things. That’s all. At the end of the third and final set, the women were still at their table raving about the performance when a large shadow drifted across the table from behind Shawn. She swiveled around to see who had drawn the attention of her new friends.

  “Karla! What’re you doing here?” Shawn managed to say. Karla was dressed in a similar fashion to that day’s work clothes: khaki pants and a dark-colored sweater vest over a plain white collared shirt. Clearly it was her standard uniform.

  “Same as you, I assume. I’m here to see Passion Play, have a few drinks, and relax with friends. They’re my favorite band.”

  Shawn was still too shocked to respond. The bitch has friends? She despised the woman and wished she would go away. Why had she even come over? She certainly seemed to dislike Shawn as much as Shawn disliked her.

  “They’re awesome, aren’t they?” said Sara. “Karla? How do you know Shawn?”

  “We work together.”

  “Oh. Well, hey, I’m Sara, and this is my girlfriend Devin, and my most bestest friend LaKeisha.” They took turns shaking hands.

  “Well, anyway,” Karla said, showing no signs of discomfort at Sara’s openness. “I just wanted to say hi, Shawn.”

  Shawn watched Karla as she exited with the rest of the crowd. She let out a sigh of relief, accompanied by a roll of the eyes and a swig of her soda.

  “What was that all about?” asked Sara.

  “I have no idea. She’s the supervisor at the warehouse where I’m working. She treated me like shit today. Now she’s suddenly sweet as pie to me? Oh, and she’s straight. Can you believe that?”

  “I can,” said Devin. “I haven’t been out that long, myself.”

  “Well, it’s possible she needs to be a totally different person at work,” LaKeisha said. “It’s tough being the boss with all that responsibility on your shoulders. I’m not condoning verbal mistreatment of your employees, mind you, but sometimes that’s a person’s way of keeping themselves detached. So they don’t let personal feelings interfere with decisions and so forth. I wouldn’t take it personally, Shawn.”

  “Yeah, but I got the feeling it was personal,” Shawn said.

  The conversation moved on, but Shawn continued to think about the strange encounter. Was LaKeisha right? Was it just some kind of façade? Maybe underneath she was a big softie who just wanted to be understood. Shawn barely kept herself from snorting. Right.

  She shrugged it off. Monday would be interesting. She wouldn’t let it distract her from a great night.

  *

  Jaymi stretched and curled into the passenger seat of her pickup. She had surrendered to Shawn’s insistence on driving so she could unwind after the show.

  “You’re really lucky, Jaymi. You’ve got some great friends,” Shawn said on the ride home. “They really care about you.”

  “Yeah, I know.” Jaymi yawned. Her eyes furrowed in suspicion. “Hey, wait a minute, what exactly did they say to you?”

  “Well, let’s see. Sara informed me that you had told her I was going through a rough time and graciously offered me the anonymous assistance of her youth center. LaKeisha gave me some helpful advice on how to handle my asshole boss, who incidentally was there tonight—”

  “That mean ol’ boss of yours had the nerve to harass you outside of work?”

  Shawn squirmed at the thought of Karla and her Jekyll and Hyde behavior. “Actually, she was nice to me. Just came over to say hi and said she was a fan of the band. It creeped me out, but I can’t really tell you why. What do you make of it?”

  Jaymi just shrugged, and yawned again.

  “Sorry, am I boring you?” Shawn gave her a playful shake and thought that maybe for the first time since her arrival she was beginning to loosen up. Her conversation with Devin had helped wash away some of her insecurities. Jaymi was just human, after all.

  “No, not at all. I’m sorry. Nothing personal, I’m just really exhausted. Mind if I snooze? You know the way, right?”

  “Yeah, Jaymi. Go ahead. You won’t even have to wake up when we get there. I’m stronger than I look. I’ll just carry you upstairs and put you to bed when we get home.” She instantly regretted the words and gripped the steering wheel tightly. Shit, what did I just say? I’ll put you to bed? Home?

  “If you say so, Muscles,” Jaymi whispered, nearly asleep already. She dozed off for several minutes, then, without opening her eyes, asked, “What about Devin? What’d she have to say?”

  “Devin, yeah, sweet girl. Nice things about you, all nice things.”

  Jaymi’s eyes opened and she looked at Shawn. “Don’t want to tell me? That’s okay, I can pretty much guess. She’s protective of me, too, like Nikki is, only in a much more tactful way. Whatever she said, it’s true, every word. That much I can tell you about Devin.” She closed her eyes again and drifted back to sleep.

  Yeah, just what I needed—someone else to confirm what I’ve known a
ll along—that you’re a catch and I’m in big trouble here if I can’t get a handle on this crush. Shut up, Shawn, and focus on the road, will you? She glanced in the rearview mirror and frowned. Is that the same car that’s been behind us the whole way home? Is it following us? She pressed on the accelerator and kept an eye on the car. Two more turns, and it was still behind her. Just when she was about to wake Jaymi, it turned left and disappeared from sight. She let out a shaky breath. Nothing to worry about, right?

  *

  Jaymi collapsed into her bed and switched off the lamp. The show had been a huge success. Each gig was drawing larger crowds, and people were coming to the clubs not just for a night out of drinking and dining, but specifically to see Passion Play. The increased airplay of their single was helping, of course, but their fan base seemed to be multiplying at a dramatic pace. What had begun as a smattering of familiar faces in a sparse audience was turning into a sea of new fans crowding themselves into every venue at which they were booked. She couldn’t have asked for a more positive sign that her career was progressing in the right direction, and with even more success than they had achieved in Los Angeles.

  It was the eve of another month’s anniversary of her mother’s passing, which made her even more grateful to have some positive energy surging through her as she crawled into bed. Her mother, no doubt, was enjoying her daughter’s success from Heaven. She hadn’t mentioned the anniversary to her friends because she didn’t want any pity or anyone feeling down tonight. But it also made her feel just the slightest bit alone, even in the crowd.

  Without warning, her thoughts turned to Peach. She hadn’t thought of her in months, which was a good thing. A few years ago, she would have been sharing all this with her. That was the original plan. She wondered how she was doing, and if she was on the way to achieving her dream with as much progress, or if their breakup had set her back and devastated her to the same degree it had Jaymi.

  She went over it in her mind repeatedly, trying desperately to make sense of it all. Why her lover had suddenly turned so cold. Why she had suddenly seemed to have fallen out of love with her. Why she had begun to lose interest in all things but her studies. And why she had spent time anywhere but home. And why, when Jaymi needed her most, her suspicions were confirmed that Peach had more than a study buddy.

  Now Jaymi’s career was taking off. She had another album’s worth of songs added to her already prolific catalog, despite the current bout with writer’s block. She had the camaraderie and support of friends and family. She had a decent day job. She had this terrific apartment with all the space and privacy she could want. She had accomplished all this as a single woman. And it felt great.

  Except there was still something missing. Someone missing: a lover to share it all with. Yeah, right. You remember how that worked out with Peach. The more the band takes off, the more I’ll be on the road. How fair is it to ask someone to stay behind for weeks on end while I’m gone? For all you know, Peach only cheated on you that one time. Do you really want to go through that again? Lovers have needs. Any lover of mine is bound to get lonely. How can I trust that she won’t seek comfort in another woman’s arms while I’m away?

  She rolled over again and faced the door, still wide-awake and thinking about the guest in the neighboring room. Did Shawn have an ex she thought about? The thought made her stomach turn, a fact she decided to ignore. She wondered if Shawn also suffered through each anniversary of her own mother’s passing. Did she just want to hide from the world, too?

  Tomorrow was going to be hard. Don’t dwell on it, you fool, that’s not what Mom would want. It won’t bring her back.

  She tossed and turned for another hour before exhaustion finally swept her into a dreamless sleep.

  Chapter Nine

  Jaymi rolled over onto her side and stifled a groan when she remembered what day it was. Yawning widely, she pushed off the covers with her feet as she scrubbed her face with her palms. She was tempted to curl up into a fetal position and spend the day with her face buried in her pillow, bawling her eyes out. If there are times you are sad after I’m gone, promise me you won’t focus on my death. I want you to think about my life and the good times we had together. Remember how much I love you. Her mother’s words were enough motivation to drag herself out of bed. The awkwardness of having to explain such behavior to her new roommate didn’t hurt, either. She pulled on a sweatshirt and stepped out of her room. The spare bedroom door was ajar. She leaned her head against it and spoke Shawn’s name quietly. No answer. She gently pushed on the door and saw the futon unoccupied and its blankets thrown carelessly over it.

  “Shawn?” she said again as she entered the kitchen. There was coffee made, but the auto shut-off had already done its job. “Huh.” She shrugged. “Must’ve had someplace to go.”

  After showering, she heated a cup of coffee and went out onto the balcony. It was shaping up to be a gorgeous day. She squinted from the sun’s blinding reflection off the snow-covered pasture. She gazed at the pretty scene and spotted two horses playfully running and loping in the field. They seemed to be enjoying the feel of snow flying up from their hooves as they kicked and rolled in it. Jaymi smiled, fantasizing that the show was for her benefit.

  She looked toward the fence, where a human held the attention of the other three horses. Jaymi watched in amazement as they took turns receiving strokes and pets from Shawn, who seemed completely at ease with them. Though she couldn’t hear her voice from this distance, she could tell Shawn was talking to them. Their ears perked and twitched as if she spoke their language.

  Intrigued, Jaymi slipped on her ski jacket and boots and went outside to join her. She was right, Shawn was talking to them. Her voice sounded sweet and soothing; it was no wonder the horses didn’t feel threatened. Jaymi walked up behind her. “Good morning.”

  Shawn jumped so abruptly that her elbow struck the coffee cup Jaymi was holding and splattered it onto the front of Jaymi’s coat. Shawn gasped for oxygen, her back pressed against the fence, one hand still clutching her chest, the other fisted and firmly held up in front of her as if she were ready to block a strike.

  “Oh God, Shawn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  Shawn held her pose, breathing heavily, her eyes wide and serious. She looked terrified.

  “Are you okay?” She reached out to touch her, but Shawn shrank away, and she pulled her hand back.

  Shawn’s hands moved up to her face and then pushed their way through her messy hair as she released a huge breath. “Yeah,” Shawn finally said, shaking her head. “Yeah, I’m okay. You just surprised me. Don’t…please, don’t do that. Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

  “I didn’t think I was sneaking up on you. I’m sorry, I’ll make more noise next time.”

  Shawn nodded slightly. Her eyes softened and she looked away, obviously embarrassed.

  “Well, I better go in and clean this off.”

  “Shit, your jacket. I might have a tissue…” Shawn fumbled through her pockets, spilling out half a roll of mints and some loose change, which she quickly snatched up off the ground.

  “It’s okay. It’s nylon, it’ll wash.”

  “I’m sorry.” Shawn shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at the ground.

  “Don’t worry about it, really. You’re good with the horses.” Jaymi motioned toward the pasture where the horses, alarmed by Shawn’s jump, had scampered off.

  “I used to work at a stable when I was a teenager.” She smiled slightly and sighed. “Geez, come to think of it, it’s the only job I was any good at. We lived down the street from a place a lot like this one. People had a couple of their own horses, and they boarded a few others.”

  “That’s cool. I don’t know much about them myself.” Jaymi settled her cup securely into the snow and leaned over the fence. Shawn settled next to her in the same position.

  “If I don’t make it in music, I’ll do something with horses.”

  Jaymi turne
d to face Shawn. “What do you mean, if you don’t make it?”

  “I don’t know, Jaymi. I don’t know if I’ve got what it takes. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, going to California,” she scoffed. “I made such a mess of things. I can’t believe how bad I…Shit, maybe my father’s right. I see you up there with your band, and you’re all so confident and polished, so professional. And I’m so, I don’t know…I’m not—”

  “Hey.” Jaymi placed her hand on Shawn’s shoulder and turned her so they faced each other. “What kind of talk is that? Don’t compare yourself to us…to anybody. You think we always sounded this polished? It’s taken a long time and hard work to get as good as we are. It doesn’t happen overnight. Unless you’re in some pop boy band that was put together by some marketing guru who’s trying to make a fast buck with a flash-in-the-pan teen idol album.”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “But nothing. Shawn, I don’t know why you doubt yourself the way you do. You’re good, damn it, and I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. Your songwriting alone is good enough. No, your songs are better than good enough. They’re great songs. You just have to work on your confidence. Listen, you may not believe this, but before I met Nikki, I had the worst stage fright—”

  “You? No way!” Shawn playfully slapped Jaymi’s arm with the back of her hand.

  “I did. It was awful. I was a nervous wreck during my college recitals. That’s where I met Nikki, at UMass in Lowell. Anyway, I’d get so nervous I thought I was going to throw up. My hands would shake wicked bad, and I could barely fret the strings, and I’d mess up or sound sloppy. I was so preoccupied with thinking about everything I was doing that my performances must have really sucked. There was no emotion in them, no passion. Oh, I was in tune and on key and all that, but it wasn’t until I started hanging out with Nikki that I learned to let go and just feel it, you know?”

  “Really? I would have thought it was the other way around—you teaching Nikki, I mean.”