Songs Unfinished

by Holly Stratimore

  Jaymi slightly shook her head and looked to the ceiling, a distraught laugh escaping her lips. “I don’t really know how to answer that right now.”

  “You look like hell,” Shawn said softly, hoping her charm would open a door.

  Jaymi wasn’t amused and shot her a glare. “So do you.”

  “Then what the hell are we doing, Jaymi? We’re obviously both miserable. Can’t we talk about this?”

  Jaymi jerked off her jacket and whipped open the coat closet. “I can’t. Shawn, I can’t even look at you without picturing you in bed with her.”

  Shawn slid off the stool and took a step toward her. When Jaymi backed away, Shawn’s heart deflated. “That night meant nothing to either one of us. Doesn’t that mean something?”

  Jaymi made a move toward the living room before she spun on her heel to look at Shawn. “I know all that. My head knows it, and I can tell myself over and over it meant nothing to you. But it does to me. I loved her. And you were my friend. I trusted both of you, and you both betrayed me.”

  “Jaymi, how did I betray you when I didn’t even know who she was? We used each other for our own reasons. I was a slimeball, I admit it. But the difference here is that I didn’t know she was cheating on her girlfriend, much less know who her girlfriend was. She knew she was cheating on you. I would’ve never done that to a friend. Especially you, Jaymi. Shit, I idolized you, for Christ’s sake. Please, don’t give up on me, on us.”

  Jaymi rubbed her brow. “I just need—”

  “You need time. I know,” Shawn said softly. “Honestly, babe, I don’t blame you for reacting the way you are. I’ve done nothing but think about how I would feel if I were you.”

  Jaymi looked up. The dim twilight seeping through the kitchen window revealed tiny puddles forming in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. I’ll give you whatever you need. If it’s time, you got it. I’ll miss you—God, I already miss you so much—and it’s making me fucking nuts not to see you, but I’ll do whatever it takes. So if that means staying away so you can get over this, I’ll do it. But I promise you—shit, I’ve never promised a girl anything in my whole life—but this I promise you, I am not giving up on us. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Jaymi.”

  Without waiting for a response, she walked over to the door. As she grasped the knob, she turned. “And just so you know, I’ll be coming around on the weekends to take care of the horses. I already talked to Alice. I put money down on an amp and a used Gibson SG, since I can’t borrow your Strat anymore. Anyway, I won’t bother you while I’m here, I’ll just do my job and be gone.” She pulled open the door and creaked open the storm door, taking one last glance back at Jaymi before charging down the stairs out of sight.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Nikki steadied Jaymi from behind as they staggered up the stairs to the apartment. They reached the landing and Jaymi giggled as she fumbled with the key, failing miserably to slide it into the slot. Grinning helplessly, she turned to Nikki and simply held them out to her.

  “I should never let you drink this much,” said Nikki, taking the keys and opening the door. “I forgot what a lightweight you are.”

  Jaymi wandered into the living room. “Thanks for driving me home.” Her voice was muffled as she flopped face down on the couch, and she followed it with more giggles. “This is a switch, huh? You hardly drank a thing, and look at me.”

  Nikki slid an arm beneath Jaymi’s shoulders and sat her up. “Yeah, well, I can handle my liquor. Three beers are nothing for me. You, on the other hand…” Nikki knelt beside the couch and took the lapels of Jaymi’s blazer in her hands, sliding the jacket back off her shoulders. Jaymi remained seated but wavered, slightly aware of a silly grin on her lips as she studied her friend’s eyes. Nikki’s face and mannerisms and presence had become so familiar that Jaymi felt like she no longer saw her for the beautiful woman she was. Her large, thickly lashed eyes were a rich chocolate color, her lightly tanned skin flawless, her lips were full, perfectly proportionate to her petite nose.

  Nikki obviously became uncomfortably aware of Jaymi staring at her and moved to lay the blazer somewhere else. She began to stand, but Jaymi caught her arm and held it. “How come you’re so good to me when I’m screwed up?”

  “Because I’m the best friend you got, Jaymz. Haven’t you figured that out by now? Haven’t I always been here for you? And you’re not screwed up—you’re screwed over. Again.”

  Jaymi sighed heavily and slouched back on the couch. “But why? Why am I so stupid when it comes to love?”

  Nikki got up. She raked her fingers through her black spiked hair, let out a deep breath, and chuckled. “If we’re going to have this conversation for the millionth time, I need another beer.” She disappeared into the kitchen. Jaymi heard the refrigerator open and close, and then a fizzy pop sound. Nikki had slugged down half the bottle by the time she returned. Her dark eyes pierced Jaymi’s. “I said I wasn’t going to say I told you so.” Nikki fell into the recliner and shook her head. “So I’m saying nothing.”

  Jaymi cut eye contact. “I fall too fast. I’m so stupid.”

  Nikki leaned forward. “You’re not stupid, you’re a hopeless romantic. Come on—let’s find a movie to watch, get your mind off things.” She snatched the remote off the coffee table and clicked on the TV, finally settling on an old favorite. During a commercial break, Nikki got up for another beer.

  “Hey, how about making us some popcorn?” Jaymi asked, padding by on her way to the bathroom. “And grab me one of those beers, too, will ya? I’m going to get changed.”

  “Shouldn’t I be trying to sober you up?”

  “I don’t want to be sober right now. I want to get shitfaced and not think about how bad this hurts.”

  “But—”

  “Please, Nikki. I need a break from everything or I’m going to explode. Give me one night like this and let me get it out of my system, okay?”

  “Okay, if that’s what you need.”

  Jaymi came back in red Red Sox sleep shorts and a navy pocket T-shirt. She grabbed the drinks and Nikki followed with the bowl. Jaymi curled up on the couch, and Nikki handed her the popcorn and again took her place in the recliner. Jaymi shoved in a handful and looked at Nikki. She patted the couch beside her. “Come sit over here with me. Don’t you want some?”

  Nikki hesitated, took a drink, and shrugged. “Sure. What the hell.”

  By the end of the movie, they were both properly drunk, laughing out of control, and reminiscing.

  “Know what I miss, Jaymz? I miss the old times, don’t you? Just you and me practicing guitar, having a few beers, singing, passing out in your dorm room.”

  “Laughing our asses off because you couldn’t finger a diminished chord to save your life!”

  “Yeah, I’d be playing right along, doot do do wah wah, then I’d be like, uh, fans, excuse me for half an hour while I fret this chord, then we’ll finish the song!”

  Jaymi smiled as the scene played itself out in her memory.

  “And remember all those shitty drummers we auditioned? What were there, like twenty-five of ’em?”

  “We did have a lot of fun. Remember that one guy, Nik, that didn’t even know how to play? He just wanted to live out his fantasy of sleeping with two women?”

  “Fucking pervert thought he’d get all three of us in bed. Remember how Kay booted him out on his ass before he even knew what hit him.”

  “Idiot assumed just because we were all lesbians that we were all sleeping together. Funny how it doesn’t occur to people that we can be just friends without there being anything sexual going on. Band probably wouldn’t have lasted otherwise. Thanks to our no-office-romance rule.”

  Nikki’s smile faded. “Yeah,” she said softly, her eyes down. She patted Jaymi’s knee and looked up. She cleared her throat and her lips twitched into a listless smile. “Thank God for that, huh?”

  “I mean, look at what would’
ve happened if Shawn had joined the band. I never told you this, but when you quit and she filled in for that one show, we—Brian and Kay and I—we talked about it. If you hadn’t come back, there’s a good chance we would have asked her.”

  Nikki crawled off the couch and began collecting empty beer bottles. “No wonder she begged me to come back,” she muttered. On her way to the kitchen, Jaymi thought she heard her add, “I should’ve said no.”

  When she returned, Jaymi asked, “What was that you just said?” She placed her hand on Nikki’s arm, interrupting her move to pick up the popcorn bowl.

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  Jaymi grasped Nikki’s hand and tugged. Nikki plopped next to her on the couch, her head down.

  “You mumbled something going into the kitchen. I didn’t quite catch it.”

  “It’s nothing, Jaymi.”

  “Then why the sudden mood change?”

  “I said it’s nothing.”

  “I know you better than that, and you know it. Just tell me.”

  Nikki sucked in a large gulp of oxygen and blew it out. “It’s the rule.”

  “You thinking that with me and Shawn split up, that now it would be okay to ask her to join Passion Play?”

  “I’m not talking about Shawn.”

  “I’m confused. Wait a minute…is there something going on between you and Kay?” Jaymi stifled a laugh, knowing that Kay’s taste in women was so far removed from Nikki’s looks and personality that any attempt at a relationship between them wouldn’t last five minutes.

  “Don’t be absurd.”

  “Then, Nikki, just tell me.”

  “Ah, just forget it.” She was up in an instant and yanked her biker jacket off the bar stool. Jaymi followed her and spun her around before she could grab the doorknob.

  “Forget what? What are you talking about, Nik?”

  Nikki shrugged into her jacket and straightened to her full height. “You really haven’t figured it out? Huh? Why I have a problem with Shawn? Why I never liked Peach? Why I never have a steady girlfriend?”

  Jaymi knew she shouldn’t have pressed. She held Nikki’s angry gaze in full acknowledgment of what she was trying to say. “Nikki?”

  “Because I’m in love with you, Jaymi.” Her voice was just above a whisper. “That’s why.”

  Jaymi’s jaw dropped open. She searched for breath. She shook her head slowly, alcohol making her dull. “No, this can’t be.”

  Nikki sandwiched Jaymi’s face between her hands and planted their lips together. Caught off guard, Jaymi couldn’t immediately protest and became lost in the passion of Nikki’s kiss. Nikki had obviously waited a long time for this moment and was taking advantage of the opportunity to express everything she possibly could in this one kiss. By the time Jaymi came to her senses and decided to stop it, Nikki suddenly released her. She escaped full speed, leaving Jaymi alone with her revelation.

  *

  Jaymi groaned as the first awareness of consciousness tickled her brain. The first thing she noticed was the incessant throbbing in her temples. She was facedown on top of her fully made bed with her right arm dangling off the side. She shifted onto her side, cringed with pain at the crick in her neck, and cradled her head between her palms. The dull ache consumed her thoughts for several minutes. The notion of being vertical anytime soon seemed impossible.

  Curtains wavered with an incoming breeze, causing red and white splatters of sunlight to dance inside her eyelids. She groaned again and rolled over so that her back was to the window. “Shawn?” she whispered. “Baby, you up?”

  Instinctively, she reached out to pull herself closer to her lover. Her hand landed with a thud on the empty place beside her. The queasy feeling in her stomach wasn’t from the six beers she’d consumed last night. Shawn’s gone. A grotesque taste of bile crawled up her throat. And Nikki’s in love with me. Or was that just a dream?

  She pressed her fingertips to the inside corners of her eyes. Slowly, she opened them and bravely shook off the cobwebs of the night before. She touched her lips, remembering how Nikki’s passionate kiss had shaken her to the core.

  Peach was right. Shawn saw it, too. Why didn’t I ever see it? In all the years we’ve known each other, why didn’t Nikki tell me how she felt? Jaymi knew the answer to that question immediately. It wasn’t just the rule. She had never known Nikki to care about rules—except when it came to the band. To Nikki, the band was sacred above all else. The only other thing to which Nikki was as fiercely loyal? Friendship. Crossing the line with Jaymi meant jeopardizing both—something Nikki wasn’t willing to do.

  Jaymi slid off the bed onto the floor, cursed at the pain piercing through her head, and dragged herself into the shower. She stood without moving for a long time, simply letting the warm water rinse away the remnants of her hangover, in hopes it might also clear her mind. That was one hell of a kiss. She wondered how long Nikki had wanted to do that. Jaymi felt what little energy she had draining each time she attempted to process Nikki’s confession. There was no way she could deal with Nikki’s feelings right now.

  She dressed and went to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. She leaned back against the bar and stared at the dark liquid streaming into the carafe, trying to gauge if her stomach could handle any solid food. A light tap on the door jolted her from her funk.

  When she saw who was on the other side, Jaymi smiled for the first time in weeks. She opened the door and stepped back to allow her surprise guest to enter. “Devin.”

  “Hey.” Devin smiled warmly and opened her arms. Jaymi slipped into her friend’s familiar embrace, knowing that Devin would hold her for as long as she needed. After several minutes, Jaymi released her and swiped her palms over her wet cheeks. Devin followed her into the kitchen and made herself at home, as she had so many times before over the course of their friendship, and poured them each a cup. She fixed Jaymi’s coffee exactly the way she knew she liked it and then fixed her own. They sat at the kitchen table and sipped in silence.

  Jaymi had called Devin soon after the breakup with Shawn, but this was the first time they had seen each other since.

  “Where’s Sara?” asked Jaymi.

  “Working. That’s what happens when you run a nonprofit organization—you end up doing a lot yourself.”

  “I can imagine.” Jaymi stroked the handle of her cup and held Devin’s eyes, which always lit up at the mention of her lover.

  “How are you holding up, Jaymi?”

  Jaymi shrugged.

  “That good, huh?”

  “How would you feel in my shoes?”

  “Honestly, I can’t say.” Devin pursed her lips and looked away, as if she were choosing her next words carefully. “I can, however, relate to what Shawn’s going through.”

  Jaymi let out a sigh. “Yeah, I guess maybe you can.” She knew she was safe admitting that to Devin, knowing that there would be no forthcoming lecture or clichéd advice.

  “If Sara hadn’t cut me some slack for the mistakes I made when we first got together, we wouldn’t have what we have now.” Devin reached across the table and took Jaymi’s hand. “At the time, I was so scared of losing her that I didn’t always make the right decisions.”

  Jaymi looked at their joined hands for a moment and then at Devin’s face. At no time in their friendship had Jaymi ever been unaware of how beautiful Devin was. There had always been an underlying crush between them, and Jaymi knew in her heart that, had Sara not been in the picture when the two of them had met, she would have pursued more than a friendship with Devin. She opened her mouth to say so, but when she remembered what Nikki had told her last night, she quickly thought better of it. You’re hurt and vulnerable and you’d only be rebounding. Devin returned the look with love and, as if reading her mind, nervously released Jaymi’s hand, further confirming the connection they shared.

  “Devin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you think I’ll be able to forgive Shawn, the way Sara forgave y
ou?”

  Devin smiled and adorably tilted her head to the side. “I do.”

  Jaymi sipped the last of her coffee, then took both empty cups to the counter. She stared out the window and braced her hands on the counter in front of the sink. “I’m still so angry,” she said, and then spun around to face Devin. “I hate it. I hate that I can feel so much anger and love for her at the same time. I don’t know what to do with this fury. I want to lash out at her, and at the same time, I want to take her in my arms and make love to her like I never have before. How is it I can feel such opposite emotions simultaneously? What the hell is that?”

  Devin chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It’s no wonder you’re such a great songwriter. Such a great performer. You’re so in touch with your feelings. I love that about you.”

  Jaymi smiled, shaking her head. “It’s a frigging curse is what it is. Sometimes I’d rather not feel anything. Don’t you ever feel that way?”

  “Not really. Not anymore. I wouldn’t trade one minute of feeling what I feel for Sara, not in a million years. I love her. She loves me.”

  Jaymi ran her fingers through her hair and felt her stomach rumble. “You’re very lucky, you know that?”

  Devin shrugged. “I’m Irish.” She smirked. “The luck is built in. As for me and Sara, it’s more than luck. We have our challenges, but we work at what we have. She’s worth it.”

  “Yes, she is.”

  “Jaymi?”

  “What?”

  “I don’t think you’d be so angry with Shawn if you didn’t think she was worth it.”

  “It’s not that simple, Devin.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “If it was, then why is it so hard to forgive her?”

  “I don’t know.” Devin shrugged. “Maybe because forgiving her means you have to take a leap of faith and trust her again. You couldn’t do that with Peach, or any of your other girlfriends, for that matter.”