Someone to Love

by Lucy Scala

  Diego was busy in the kitchen, intent on filling the jug with boiling water to make tea.

  “Programs for today?” he asked, with his usual smile.

  Bubu was sitting at his feet, watching him with bright curious eyes, hoping that something delicious might fall to the ground. He noticed some crumbs under the table and sucked them up like a vacuum cleaner.

  “Too many,” I limited myself to answer, while Bubu ran to meet him and rolled on his back, eager to be fussed.

  “It will be a very long day for me as well, I have some important things to do,” he concluded, sitting down at the table. I began to fiddle with my nails to avoid his gaze. “Are you sure you’re well?” he asked doubtfully. “Are you still worried about Martina?”

  I shook my head. He could read my mind, as if I were transparent. “The operation went well, but there’s still the risk of rejection. I want to be confident, she really deserves it.”

  “Is there anything else?” he asked, standing up.

  I couldn’t keep him in the dark about what had happened. He had to know. “Open the top drawer of the dresser. There’s a letter. Take it,” I sighed, feeling uncomfortable.

  He said no more, and, biting his lip, took out the envelope. “What is it?” he asked, opening it. I remained silent, unable to say anything. Diego frowned and began to read it. “It’s crazy!” he exclaimed angrily, and shortly afterwards. “Who did this to you?” he added, with his mouth wide open.

  I shrugged and scratched Bubu’s back. “Alberto’s mother. She’s a very influential woman, you have no idea how many people she’s helped over the years. It’s easy for her, she just has to snap her fingers and that’s it,” I finished with a sigh.

  “Remember that some people don’t act by chance, everything is always calculated.”

  Diego couldn’t help himself and punched the wall. I started and Bubu darted away, frightened. “There is no reason to react that way, it only scares me,” I said bitterly. “I will address this matter and prove my innocence. I didn’t do anything, but if I give in to her provocation I will be playing her game.”

  He thought for a moment, before exploding. “But… this! Shit, Mia!” he cried, almost shouting. “This is madness. You should report her.”

  His words were confused in my ears, as if they were spoken by a voice light years away. That moment, my eyes began to fill with tears and strong arms embraced me.

  “Sorry, my love. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse,” he whispered, stroking my hair tenderly.

  “It’s not your fault. I just wonder, why me?” I whined.

  He hugged me even tighter, as if wanting to protect me from the world. “I’ll go and talk to her, you’ll see, we’ll settle everything,” he suggested, kissing my forehead. “They say that, as a policeman, I’m good at persuading people.”

  I shrugged and sighed. “No, Diego. This is between her and me. I needed a lawyer and I asked Federico to defend me, I trust him and I know that he’ll demonstrate the absurdity of this lawsuit. We talked for a long time, I told him all he needed to know, now I just have to wait for the hearing. Federico is good at his job and knows his way around, I don’t have to worry,” I explained. “As far as all this may seem unfair, I don’t feel resentful towards Patty.”

  Diego pursed his lips and looked up at the sky. “What do I have to do with you? What?”

  “Make me happy.”

  “Even if it means accepting choices that I don’t approve of?” he asked, using a nonchalant tone.

  “Touché,” I said, teasing him. I tried with all my strength to regain a bit of serenity.

  He smothered a slight laugh. “If you’re happy, so am I. Do whatever you have to, I will always be by your side.”

  “Diego…” I said softly.

  “Tell me, kitten,” he replied, kissing my hair.

  “Are you proud of me? I mean, proud of the woman I am?”

  I let myself go, enveloped by the warmth of his embrace. “I’ve always been proud of you,” he re-assured me. “You must never doubt it, ever.”

  I looked at him, without saying another word, and he stooped, placing his warm lips on mine.

  I felt a feeling growing inside me that I had never felt before, not for Davide nor for any other man with whom I had been. When he looked at me, his eyes were able to confuse me. I didn’t know what spell he had used, but it had worked.

  Chapter eighteen

  I sat on the couch for endless minutes. Bubu was asleep with his nose resting on my legs. Stroking his shaggy fur relaxed me, he conveyed serenity.

  Life was challenging me once again, but I wouldn’t fail. Running away wouldn’t change anything and this was a challenge I couldn’t run away from.

  I knew all too well what to do. I figured it the moment the vaporizer diffused that sweet smell of lavender around the room. The perfume that only she wore.

  In the end, I decided myself. I got into the car, driving towards my destination without any second thoughts.

  Around me were rows of tombstones, decades old graves and majestic family chapels oozing aristocracy. As I walked through the gate, I felt a pang in my stomach. A pain similar to the feeling of remorse, as if to remind me of how long it had been since I was last there.

  I crossed the eastern part and passed a number of graves decorated with engravings, creepers twining around them, almost enveloping them completely. Many closed doors, forerun by stone steps, led into the dark rooms of family tombs similar to miniature churches. I walked in silence, going up the large hill, passing a row of mature trees. I accelerated my pace until a majestic marble statue with outstretched wings, apparently in the act of taking flight, appeared on the horizon. That was the angel, the symbol of my family.

  When I arrived in front of it, I stopped.

  My palms began to sweat and I said nothing for a long time. I stood looking at those engravings, those two names so dear to me. It was terrible to think how overnight one can lose loved ones, simply torn away. As if everything had already been written by an unknown destiny. I gently stroked the letters, as if they were ancient antiquities, and I half closed my eyes, to avoid having to hold their gaze, at least for a few seconds longer.

  Their photos were so beautiful. When my grandmother passed away, I had chosen a photograph from the albums that depicted her during a walk in the park, because my grandfather was too distraught to choose one. Shortly after my grandmother’s death, he passed away as well, extinguished like the flame of a worn out candle.

  My fingers still pressed on the marble gravestone, as if held by a mysterious force. As if touching those pictures could make me feel the warmth of their skin again.

  “Hello, grandparents,” I whispered with a sigh. “I’m unforgiveable, I know. I forget how many months have passed since the last time I set foot here, but I had a good reason. My life has changed so much that I still have to adjust.”

  An elderly lady passed by and paused to contemplate the stone angel, astonished. That statue enchanted every passer-by.

  “You know, Grandma, you would have liked Diego very much, he’s just the kind of man you’d want to see by my side. He’s beautiful, strong and sensitive. I have never met such a nice, genuine person.” A light breeze brushed my neck and I shrugged.

  Suddenly, I heard a crunch, followed by slight, almost imperceptible footsteps. When I turned, I couldn’t conceal my surprise.

  “Mum…” I stammered.

  Of all the places I would have expected to meet her, the cemetery was the last. She had never been particularly close to her parents, and finding her in front of me was totally unexpected.

  She wore a linen summer suit and a pair of elegant black pumps. Even in those circumstances, she always looked perfect, from every point of view. Hair perfectly styled and flawless makeup.

  She was holding a bunch of brightly coloured flowers in her arms. “I never expected to find you here,” she said, placing the bunch on a small stone step.

  “I could
say the same thing,” I said drily.

  She glanced at me questioningly. “You’re right, but there are still many things you don’t know about me.” she shook her head and sighed. “Can you go and fill this pot with water? The fountain is on the left,” she added absently.

  I raised an eyebrow, annoyed. “It’s not the first time I’ve come here. You don’t need to give me directions.” I grumbled, going to fill the vase. “Where’s Daddy?” I asked, looking around, upon my return.

  My mother arranged every single flower with meticulous care and put the pot on the ground, in front of the tombstone. “He’s outside. Didn’t you see him?”

  I shook my head. “No, I didn’t recognize the car.”

  “The car park is so big that it’s easy to get lost. He couldn’t come in with that beast. I don’t know what got into him… getting a puppy at his age, it’s crazy.”

  I smiled, amused. “Why, can only young people have a dog?”

  “I didn’t mean that. Now that he’s retired he could do such fun things, instead, he’s always running after that hairy thing,” she said, pointing her finger at me. “She ate a piece of the living room tapestry. Do you have any idea what that means? That fabric is impossible to replace.”

  “I would have loved to have seen your face!” I giggled, holding my belly with my hands.

  “Yeah, right. You always like to make fun of me,” she said, annoyed.

  I composed myself instantly. “Me? But, you made every choice in my life hard. Only my grandparents understood me,” I snapped, full of anger, pointing at the photo.

  She narrowed her eyes. She could have said anything, but nothing was going to change the fact: she had never been a mother to me.

  “It’s complicated,” she said simply.

  Complicated? To love one’s daughter? A child is not a mathematical equation that you may attempt to solve and if you can’t, you forsake it, crumpling up the paper and throwing it in the rubbish.

  “Of course, for you it was always easy to dump me on my grandparents and enjoy life,” I growled, sitting down and holding my knees with my arms.

  My mother stared into the distance, turning her pearl necklace with her fingers. “I loved my parents very much…” she said, sighing, while the first tears rolled down her cheeks and gathered at the corners of her mouth.

  “You never showed it. I never noticed a great chemistry between you.”

  She let out a sarcastic moan. “And what do you know? You limit yourself to see what you like to see. I made many mistakes in my life, but I always tried to make amends. You, Mia, you were one of the best things that ever happened to me…” She stopped for a moment and then continued. “But I wasn’t ready. I’ve always loved you, always, but I wasn’t ready! You were a curious child with an enormous need for attention, and I couldn’t give you what you deserved. I made a choice and now I’m trying to pay my debt to them.”

  I wondered what she wanted to say. “What debt, Mum?”

  “To have raised you. I entrusted you to them because I knew they would raise you to be that magnificent person you are today. You were different from other children, you loved animals and nature. And what mother could I ever be? I would have killed your curiosity, your will to live.”

  I felt lost and helpless, everything I was sure of was crumbling. “And Lucy? You worship her, you always put her a step above me. Why?” I asked, clenching my fists to control the wave of mixed emotions I felt.

  “She was like me. It’s easy to raise a child when you’re similar and you know that they can’t have more than that from life. Mia, you had to follow your heart…” Her voice broke and only barely managed to continue. “Forgive me if I hurt you, I did it just for you,” she said, coming closer and taking my face in her hands. “I am proud of the woman you’ve become. If I don’t admit it, it’s because I don’t want to upset Lucy, not to make her jealous of something that she will never become. Mia, you are my masterpiece.”

  I let myself go with a stifled cry. For the first time I breathed the scent of my mother’s skin and I could feel her fingers stroking my back soothingly. It was a gesture almost completely unknown to her, mechanical, but I didn’t care. It was nice because it was ours.

  I leaned my head on her shoulder. “You never told me any of this.”

  Her warm breath blew on my hair. “I was ashamed. Perhaps I would never have told you, if we hadn’t met here today. I always try and come when I know you’re at work, to avoid bumping into you. This is the least I can do to thank them for what they did.”

  I looked up and met her gaze. I saw her eyes veiled with tears, but I knew they were of joy. “Go on,” I said, sighing. “Whatever you think, tell me.”

  “You haven’t known him very long. It must be only a few weeks?” she exploded in one breath.

  I scratched my face, amused. That sweet moment had lasted too long, but that was fine. I loved her in spite of everything. “I’ve known him long enough to be convinced of my choice. But you’ll never like him, you just want to see me with a rich man.”

  “Don’t start with that nonsense again.”

  “Every time, we always fall back on the usual discussions and I’m sick of it. Will you never learn that it’s more important to me to have a man that can take care of me, than one that just has a lot of money?”

  She let out a giggle. “Forgive me if as a mother I care about your future. Even though you could keep yourself with your work alone.”

  “That’s not the point, Mum. I built it all by myself and that’s how I’ve always wanted it. Why can’t you just be happy for me? Without too many complications.”

  Our fights were never productive and only ended up hurting both of us.

  She put her hand on mine. “If Diego manages to find my daughter, the Mia that I lost after the accident, then, I’ll know that he’s the right one. I’ll just need to see that enthusiasm and that light shining in your eyes, because I miss it very much.”

  “Thanks, Mum…” I whispered, hugging her once again.

  The air was getting electric, charged with the sweet and pungent smell of an approaching storm. At any moment rain would start pouring down on us.

  She pulled away from me. “I’d better go back to your father, or he’ll think I’m lost. We’ll see you at the clinic, because now we have a dog. It’s crazy!” she exclaimed, leaving and muttering to herself.

  Chapter nineteen

  “And now shopping!” suggested Fiamma. “I have to go downtown to look for a dress for my niece’s christening and I need your help.”

  “Ok. But I’ll give you an hour, not a minute more.”

  “All right,” she snorted.

  As we approached the exit of one of our client’s stables, Fiamma asked, “Isn’t that Lukas’s mother?”

  “Gemma?”I called her.

  She wore a smart suit and had her hair in a ponytail. She was leaning against the wall of the building and had a suitcase with wheels and a backpack at her side.

  “Hello Mia, everything all right? I wanted to ask for your phone number to call you. We haven’t seen you in the hospital lately and Lukas wanted to hear from you.”

  I took my wallet from the bag and pulled out a business card. “Yes, just this morning I went to visit Martina, but I didn’t see you, and now I have to go and do some errands in the centre. Here, there’s the clinic’s number and my cell phone. Anyway, I have some personal problems that I hope to solve as soon as possible and be able to continue the pet therapy activities in peace. That’s all that’s important.”

  Gemma nodded. “Whatever it is, it will work out, and I say it not only for you, but also for Lukas and all the other children who might still have this wonderful experience.”

  “I’ll come back very soon,” I re-assured her. “And you, how come you’re here? Are you leaving?” I asked.

  “My mother-in-law lives in this building, and I came to see her before leaving. She has bad flu and needed some medicine,” she said. “But ye
s, my flight’s soon, but it will be a short trip. I can’t leave Lukas alone for too many days.”

  She looked at me, and I saw discontent in her eyes. A red car pulled up at the kerb and turned on the automatic forecourt lights.

  “They’ve come to pick me up, I have to go,” Gemma said, looking at her watch again.

  “If you need anything, call me. I promise to keep an eye on Lukas.”

  I watched her walk away. “You know you have ten minutes less now?”

  “But that’s not fair!” moaned Fiamma

  I took her by the arm and dragged her away. “Let’s hurry up then.”

  Just the sound of a word, a name was enough to make me turn round. My enthusiasm vanished instantly.

  Gemma passed her trolley to a man who placed it in the trunk. Their hands touched and I couldn’t conceal my surprise.

  “What’s wrong?” complained Fiamma, following the direction of my gaze. “Oh shit!”

  I strained to hear what they were saying, with the traffic noise I couldn’t make out a single word. I was overwhelmed by emotions: frustration, anger, jealousy, confusion. And too many questions.

  Diego looked up and saw me. The smile I was used to didn’t appear on his face. He stopped and, while retaining a certain self-control, a shadow clouded his eyes.

  I went closer. I expected explanations.

  Diego didn’t speak, and it was what he didn’t say that silenced me.

  “Diego, you should…” began Gemma a little uncomfortably, but he cut her off.

  He shook his head. “Not now, we have a flight. I don’t want to be late.”

  I was pale. I thought I wouldn’t be able to stand up. I had taken things for granted. But the story repeated itself.

  “You know what?” I added, trying to give the impression of being serious. “You can keep him for as long as you want, because I don’t need him any more. Have a good trip!”

  I blinked to fight back the tears, but my eyes were dry. I had done nothing but cry for years.