How to Get Ahead in Television

by Sophie Cousens

  ‘Hey, Mum.’

  ‘Poppy! Why didn’t you tell us you got fired?’ Mum shrieked down the phone.

  ‘What? I didn’t get fired!’

  ‘Your sister told us you lost your job?’

  ‘I didn’t lose my job, I just didn’t win the placement. It’s not the same thing.’

  Bloody big-mouth Clemmie.

  ‘Oh, what a disaster! Poppy, didn’t I say this would happen? Didn’t I say this was a bad idea?’ Mum’s voice wavered between a tone of ‘I told you so’ and genuine panic. ‘Now, your father has managed to get you an interview at the town planning office in Weymouth. it’s a bit of a commute from us, but it’s doable.’

  ‘Mum, I’m not going to work in town planning. Don’t worry, I didn’t get the placement, but I already have some job offers. I’ll be fine.’

  ‘But, Poppy, you didn’t win the placement; don’t you think that bodes badly for your ability to make a go of it in TV?’

  ‘Nothing worth having comes easy, Mum,’ I said, Natalie’s words coming to mind.

  ‘Oh, what are we to do with you? If only you could meet a nice husband, someone with a proper career, that might at least give you the freedom to pursue this kind of hobby. You’ve really had no luck with Ian?’

  ‘Mum, where did you get this idea that I’m interested in Ian?’

  ‘Well, he’s perfect for you, darling. You used to get on so well as children, plus he’s such a nice young man, very polite, so well-mannered.’

  ‘Yes, he’s very nice and well-mannered, and I’m sure he’d make a lovely husband for someone, but I’m afraid that’s not my priority right now, Mum.’

  ‘Well, maybe it should be, darling? You know, if Aunt Josephine had only met a man, things might have turned out very differently for her.’

  ‘Aunt Josephine is very happy. I could do a lot worse than end up like her.’

  I knew I was stoking the flames by saying this, but I couldn’t help myself. I zoned out while Mum listed the calamitous results of not having a pension and living among ‘druids and weirdos’.

  ‘Poppy, are you listening to me?’

  ‘Yes, yes, I’m listening.’

  ‘So if you will insist on pursuing this, I’m afraid you won’t be getting any more handouts from us. Is that clear? Your account at the Bank of Mum and Dad is officially closed.’

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘Oh, I might be moving to Glasgow.’

  ‘Glasgow?’

  ‘I’ve been offered a job up there.’

  ‘Poppy, you can’t move to Glasgow! The life expectancy in that city is about fifty-nine – it’s absolutely appalling. Do you want to die young?’

  ‘Mum, I don’t think that’s true, and I don’t think it’s going to affect my life expectancy moving to Glasgow. I’m getting on the Tube now, I’m losing reception…’ I made a crackling sound and then hung up.

  STEP 45 – WHEN YOU COME TO WORK, LEAVE VANITY AT THE DOOR

  FROM: POPPY

  TO: NAT

  Turning things around.

  Current options: a) work for bastardarama JR, who stole my idea b) move to Glasgow to work on badger-themed reality show c) take mother’s advice and try to marry for money… Thoughts?

  STRICTLY COME PRANCING was RealiTV’s biggest prime-time reality series. The show involved a selection of celebrities learning to prance about on horses, with one celebrity and their horse partner getting voted off each week. It had reignited the nation’s love of both dancing and horses.

  The live launch show was this Wednesday. The whole production was veiled in secrecy; no one wanted the press to know which celebrities were taking part, or which horses would be paired with which contestant. Obviously people had their favourites. JoJo was one of the most popular horses; she had won two out of the three series, so all eyes were on whom she would be partnered with.

  I reported to the Strictly Come Prancing production office out in Wembley Stadium, where Shannon Long was hosting a team meeting in advance of that night’s launch show. I clocked Rhidian sitting in the back row next to Jude. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me so I didn’t dare try and sit with them.

  ‘So, people, welcome back to the best series on television,’ Shannon announced, to whoops and cheers from the team. ‘It’s good to see so many familiar faces back now we’re in studio.’

  More cheers and whoops.

  ‘So, this year we have a line up to rival all line ups. We’re on air tonight, so I can finally reveal who our talented twelve prancers are going to be.’

  Shannon presented a clip, which took us through the line up. It was the usual crowd: someone from a soap, a singer from a now-defunct boy band, a chubby morning TV presenter, a model, a politician, some athlete who won a medal at the Olympics, and an octogenarian pop star. There were a couple of surprises: minor royal Princess Yoho of Demark and Hollywood actor Nev Chase (who was actually a pretty big deal back in the nineties).

  ‘So, as you can see, this year is going to be incredible, taking the production to an entirely new level,’ declared Shannon. ‘Producers, there are some particular human interest stories it’s worth keeping an eye on: Princess Yoho had a pony put down when she was nine, boo-hoo etc. Let’s try and harness some of those tears in our pieces to camera. Jazzy has a phobia of getting trampled to death since being crushed in the mosh pit during his boy-band days, so any falls, we’re going want cameras on him like a rash.’

  I was allocated to the ‘talent-management’ team, along with Rhidian and three other runners. We would be looking after the celebrities as they arrived this afternoon to meet their horses. I was actually quite excited about the show now; Shannon’s enthusiasm was infectious and there was a real buzz among the team. Tonight’s launch was a musical spectacular, which focused on introducing the celebrity lineup and pairing them with their equine partners. The celebrities would then have seven days to learn how to prance with their horses in time for the first competition show next week.

  I was tasked with looking after Nev Chase. I remembered watching Nev’s movies Judgement Drone and Judgement Drone’s Revenge as a teenager, so was excited to meet him. As we milled around the arena, waiting for the talent to arrive, I sidled over to Rhidian, who was chatting to Sonia the make-up girl.

  ‘Hey,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, hey, Poppy,’ Rhidian said without much enthusiasm. ‘You remember Sonia?’

  ‘Yeah, hey. Are you working on this too then?’ I asked.

  ‘Obviously,’ said Sonia.

  ‘Um, so Rhidian, who have you been allocated to look after?’ I asked, powering on through the frosty atmosphere.

  ‘Princess Yoho.’

  ‘She is going to fricking love you!’ Sonia shrieked, clasping onto Rhidian’s arm with both hands. ‘I bet she loves a gorgeous British boy!’

  Rhidian gave an embarrassed smile.

  ‘Oh, he’s so freakin’ modest, ain’t he?’ said Sonia. ‘She is going to eat you for breakfast. How are the rest of us supposed to compete with royalty?’ Sonia cackled, leaning further into Rhidian as though she needed him to support her and her flailing limbs. I wanted to swat her away like a giant tattooed fly.

  ‘So, Rhidian, I um…’ But before I could think of anything normal to say, Rhidian was pointing behind me with a grimace.

  ‘Looks like someone wants your attention,’ he said.

  I turned around to see JR waving at me from the sidelines.

  ‘I’d better…’ I said.

  ‘Yeah,’ Rhidian said, turning back to Sonia.

  I marched over to see what JR wanted. I was annoyed he kept popping up everywhere.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.

  ‘Well, as Head of Development, I need to see how things are developing, don’t I? Plus, I need to see if Princess Yoho is as beautiful in the flesh as everyone says.’ He grinned.

  ‘I don’t think you’d be her type,’ I said.

  ‘Oh really. Whose type am I then, Penfold?’

  I s
hrugged, irritated that he was trying to be all jokey with me when I was still furious with him.

  ‘Why am I getting calls from producers in Glasgow, asking for a reference for you, Dangermouse?’

  ‘I’m a woman in demand, aren’t I?’ I said. I’d forgotten JR was my second reference.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Dangermouse, you can’t move to Glasgow. Stop dicking around pretending you’re not going to come and work for me.’

  ‘I’m not “dicking around”. I’m weighing up my options, and working for you is not an option.’

  JR laughed. I looked over at Rhidian, who was watching us chat. I crossed my arms in an attempt to make my body language appear more hostile.

  ‘Anyway, Badger, Badger, Mole sounds like a good show,’ I said.

  ‘You want romancing into this job as well as romancing into everything else, do you, Penfold?’ JR reached out to touch my arm. ‘Look, I’m not waiting on you for ever. I’ll give you a good reference, then it’s up to you, but you need to let me know by end of play tomorrow if you want it.’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘Have it your way, Dangermouse.’ JR leant in to whisper in my ear. ‘You look very sexy when you’re being arsey, you know.’

  My eyes darted back to Rhidian. He’d seen the lean. He’d seen me blush. Damn it.

  ‘Poppy, Nev Chase is arriving,’ said one of the co-ordinators over radio, so I darted off to meet his car.

  ‘Hi, I’m Poppy, I’m going to show you to your dressing room.’ I beamed as Nev stepped out of his car at the front of the stadium.

  ‘Well, hi there.’ Nev grinned, flashing me an immaculate set of American teeth.

  I gathered his bags from the boot and we trundled along the seemingly endless corridor to Nev’s dressing room.

  ‘Who do I need to talk to to make sure I’m paired with the winning filly?’ Nev asked as we walked. I laughed, thinking he was joking.

  ‘No, I’m serious, I wanna ride the winning pony, JoJo. Who do I need to talk to?’

  ‘I think all the partnerships have already been decided, Mr Chase, but all the horses are very good, I promise you.’

  I had no idea what I was talking about; Nev could have been paired with an old donkey for all I knew, but I wanted to be tactful.

  Nev requested a double-shot extra-hot soy latte and as I went to fetch it from catering, I ran into Shannon Long in the corridor.

  ‘Oh, Poppy, can you help me?’ asked Shannon.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘The Wardrobe Department are having a meltdown trying to get costumes distributed in time. I need to borrow you for ten minutes.’

  I set off to find the Costume Department. Their room was huge, with a horse dressing room on one side, and a human dressing room on the other. JoJo was currently installed in the horse dressing room, being fitted with neon light sticks along her mane and tail.

  ‘Wow,’ I said. ‘That looks amazing, like a future space horse or something.’

  ‘Exactly the look we were going for,’ said the costume girl.

  ‘I’ve been sent to lend an extra pair of hands,’ I explained.

  ‘Oh, thank god,’ she said. ‘We’ve got a thousand outfits being steamed that need running to celeb dressing rooms as quickly as possible.’

  ‘Damn it!’ came a shout from the horse dressing room. The man attaching light sticks had dropped one, causing JoJo to bristle.

  ‘Hey, before you do that, can you help me for one second?’ he called.

  ‘Who, me?’

  ‘Yes, you. I just need someone to hold onto this for a minute while the glue dries.’

  I cautiously walked towards JoJo, who was eyeing me suspiciously. I didn’t have a natural affinity with horses. I don’t trust animals with such wide-set eyes. Dogs and owls: trustworthy; horses and cows: definitely not trustworthy.

  The man with the light sticks handed me a piece of mane.

  ‘Just hold that, would you? I haven’t got enough hands and JoJo keeps moving.’

  I reached up gingerly, admiring JoJo’s glossy coat and the shimmer of glitter that had been applied to her face.

  ‘Ooh, she smells nice,’ I said.

  ‘It’s her own fragrance,’ said the man. ‘JoJo Senses.’

  ‘Who buys horse perfume?’ I laughed.

  ‘People who have horses, obviously.’

  As if sensing my scepticism towards her perfume, JoJo decided to shake her head at me, causing two of the mane light sticks to flick me on the head.

  ‘Ow!’ I cried, turning around, only to feel a sudden tug on my scalp. ‘Eek!’ I squealed, sensing I was stuck to something. I lurched backwards, causing JoJo to knock me with her nose.

  ‘Hey, what are you doing?’ cried the man.

  ‘I don’t know, I’m stuck!’ I yelled, reaching up with both hands to hold onto my hair, which was being tugged at the root.

  ‘Oh Jesus,’ cried the man as he came around to inspect.

  ‘What?’

  ‘How has this happened?’

  ‘What? What has happened?’ I said, starting to get alarmed.

  ‘Woah, stay calm,’ said the make-up girl, coming over to see what was going on. ‘Don’t spook the horse.’

  ‘I don’t know how you’ve managed to do this,’ tutted the man, not really helping with the ‘stay calm’ instruction.

  ‘What has happened?’ I asked again.

  ‘You’ve got your hair stuck in JoJo’s bridle and now it’s all tangled up with light-stick glue.’

  ‘No! Get me out!’ I cried.

  ‘Don’t panic,’ said the man, but I sensed he was talking to the horse as he rubbed her neck affectionately. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got wig glue remover here, it’s easy dissolvable stuff. Stop moving though, or it will just get more tangled.’

  I tried to stay still, but JoJo’s hot horsey breath was going right down my neck, and I couldn’t help feeling as though she might be about to bite my ear off.

  ‘She’s not going to bite me, is she?’ I asked nervously.

  ‘No,’ the man laughed. ‘This is a million-dollar horse; she’s probably more domesticated than you are.’

  Someone was really starting to pull at my hair now.

  ‘Ow!’

  JoJo started to paw the ground and let out a whinny, making the tugging more agressive.

  ‘Look, JoJo is starting to get distressed, I think we might just have to cut you free,’ said the man.

  ‘No!’ I squealed.

  ‘What the hell is happening in here?’ I heard Shannon Long’s voice at the door.

  ‘This girl got stuck to the horse,’ the make-up girl explained.

  ‘I can see that.’ Shannon sounded furious. ‘JoJo needed to be on camera for rehearsals five minutes ago, yet she hasn’t even got all her mane lights on! What’s happening, Arn?’

  ‘I know, I know, we’re behind! Graceland’s hoof paint took forever and we’re a man down, so we’re all out of whack with timings.’

  I made a whimpering sound as JoJo tugged my head again.

  ‘Get them detached this minute!’ shouted Shannon.

  ‘Well, the quickest thing to do would be to cut this girl’s hair, but she’s being a bit precious about it,’ sighed Arn.

  ‘I am not being precious, I just… You said there was glue dissolver!’

  ‘Yes, but it’s gone way past the glue-dissolver stage, I’m afraid. It’s a right old tangly mess back here.’

  ‘Poppy, on a show like this, we don’t have time to be precious. It’s take-one-for-the-team time,’ commanded Shannon.

  I sighed, feeling ganged up on. ‘Fine. Cut it.’

  The make-up girl ran to get scissors and I felt her snipping away.

  ‘Oh look, you’ve been rubbing against her, ruining all JoJo’s face glitter!’ Arn complained.

  I finally felt freedom, and as the tugging stopped, I jumped out of the way.

  ‘Don’t make sudden movements,’ hissed Arn.

  I reached up to the
top of my head to feel a stumpy protrusion of hair at the crown of my head.

  ‘It will grow back,’ sighed Shannon, rolling her eyes at me. ‘Come on, let’s get this horse show-ready.’

  I shuffled back to Nev’s dressing room feeling as though I’d been scalped. I didn’t consider myself a vain person, but the half mullet was not a look I wanted to live with.

  ‘What happened to you?’ asked Nev in irritation. He was wearing his show outfit: a black unitard with streamers flowing from every limb. ‘You’re covered in glitter.’

  I looked at myself in his dressing room mirror, absorbing the glittery face and the turf of hair.

  ‘Gah, I look like David Bowie!’ I cried, then took a deep breath and tried to collect myself. Accidental haircuts were not on Valerie Decouz’s list of things worth crying about. ‘Sorry, Mr Chase, there was an incident in Wardrobe. Here’s that coffee you wanted.’

  STEP 46 – WHATEVER LOWLY OR DEMEANING JOB YOU ARE ASKED TO DO, CARRY IT OUT TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY

  FROM: POPPY

  TO: NATALIE

  Sporting a new semi-mullet, Bowie-inspired haircut. See attached…

  FROM: NATALIE

  TO: POPPY

  What were you thinking?

  HALF AN HOUR later, the cameras were rolling and the horses ready to parade into the arena. Each celebrity emerged through the stable doors in a plume of smoke to meet their horse, who was dressed in a matching costume. I could see Nev was annoyed to find he’d been paired with Darlow (a notoriously loopy horse), whereas Jazzy the boy-band star was ecstatic to have landed JoJo.

  The contestants’ outfits were truly mind-blowing. Nev and Darlow had plumes of elaborate multi-coloured streamers flying from every limb; JoJo and Jazzy had their light-stick creations; and Princess Yoho and her horse Graceland were decorated in an amazing monochrome paint design.

  This afternoon they were filming the horse/human meetings for the first time, to capture celebrity reactions to their outfits and to the horses they’d been paired with. This evening the arena would be filled with a live audience for the launch show. Take That were performing and there would be live interviews with the show hosts, Dahlia Gaily and Graham Ross.