Hope at Christmas

by Nancy Naigle

She put the car in park and rolled down the window.

  “Hey, glad I didn’t miss you.”

  “Why?”

  He looked confused. “Because I was just getting ready to leave and … Are you okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine?” Mac lifted a hand to his mouth. “Yeah. Fine is never good. What is wrong?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?”

  “Because I don’t know?” Mac’s brows pulled together.

  “Who was that?”

  He paused, looking like he didn’t know which way to turn, and then his face relaxed. “Oh, Haley? She lives next door. She takes care of Seth for me sometimes. There’s nothing … You didn’t think? She’s a friend. A married friend. I can introduce her to you.”

  “No. Please, no.” The feeling came back into Sydney’s hands where she’d been clenching them in anger. She had felt like she was hearing that news from Jon all over again. But that feeling was quickly being replaced with embarrassment. The flush in her cheeks was hot, and her hands were sweating. “I’m so stupid.”

  “You really thought that?” He stepped back and folded his arms. “Sydney, how could you think so little of me?”

  “I’m sorry. I…” She felt the tears. Frustration really, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m broken goods, Mac. This probably isn’t a good idea.”

  “Syd, no. Please. Don’t leave like this.”

  “I think I need some time.”

  “But tonight. You’ll be here tonight, right?”

  “We don’t have to. The kids will be tired.”

  “Come on, Sydney. Give it a chance. Seven.”

  She put the car in reverse. “Just give me some time.”

  He stepped away from the car, and she backed out.

  She wasn’t ready to go back to the bookstore yet. She needed a little time to catch her breath first. Why did she jump to that conclusion? What was wrong with her?

  She pulled into Santa’s Village. Maybe the crowd and festivities would help her get outside of the negative thoughts looping through her brain.

  Parents rushed excited kids into the long line to make their last requests of Santa, while others hurried around checking the last few things off their holiday shopping list.

  The line at the wrapping station was long today.

  She ordered a hot chocolate and dropped a dollar in the donation bucket, then ordered four cookies and ate every last one of them. Funny how a massive dose of sugar could soothe a person.

  Finally she was pretty certain that she could face the conversation with Bea in a mature way, and she planned to avoid Mac’s calls. Forever. She got up and went back to her car.

  She was halfway to her car when she saw Mac’s truck.

  She ducked behind a minivan, praying he hadn’t seen her when he drove by. Had he come looking for her?

  She pretended to tie her shoelace and stayed tucked between the cars until she was certain Mac had to be at the other end of the parking lot.

  She peeked around the minivan to look.

  There was no sign of Mac’s big crew cab pickup truck. And you couldn’t hide those very easily.

  “Are you okay, ma’am?” A security guard towered above her.

  “Yes. My shoe. It came untied.” She stood up straight and offered an awkward smile. “Thanks.”

  She made off in a hurry for her car, holding her breath until she got inside and started it. Her tires spit gravel as she gunned the engine and headed back to The Book Bea.

  If Mac had followed her to Santa’s Village looking for her, would he show up at The Book Bea? She wasn’t ready to talk to him. Embarrassed and second-guessing her recent choices when it came to Mac, she parked behind the shop where the tenants parked. Maybe he’d think she wasn’t there. She slipped inside the back door.

  “Sydney! You were gone a long while. I was hoping I might not see you again today.” Bea was looking as proud as a momma bird watching her fledglings take flight. “What took so long? Or do I even need to ask?”

  “I stopped at Santa’s Village.”

  “Oh?” She looked disappointed. “You did? With Mac?”

  Sydney busied herself straightening the display near the door. “This table is our best sales tool. I swear I refill it every day.”

  “Yes. Always has been the best spot in the store.” Bea walked over to the table and stood next to her. “Sydney, did something happen?”

  “You know, I should’ve known better than to let down my guard. That’s all. Nothing is the matter. It was one stupid kiss. I let it go to my head. It didn’t mean a darn thing, and I don’t have any business jumping into a casual anything with a man anyway. I have a daughter to raise.”

  “But Mac’s a great guy.”

  “I think all men are closer to the same than we think.” Her gut twisted, leaving her sick to her stomach. How had she let her guard down? “I will not let what happened with Jon happen to me again.”

  “Oh, Sydney. I don’t know Jon, but from what you’ve shared I’d say those two boys are as different as night and day.”

  “Not really. They both have secrets.”

  “You found out.” Bea let out a breath, as if it had been hard to keep the secret.

  “Yes. I did. When I dropped in unannounced.” The words Bea had just said were just starting to sink in. “Wait a minute. You knew? And you were okay with him keeping it a secret from me?”

  “Okay, so it might be a little weird, but it’s not like it’s a bad thing.”

  “How can you say that?”

  “So the man dresses up like Santa Claus every year. He brings so much joy to people. I personally think it’s quite charming.”

  “Santa?”

  “Yes, Santa. Mac is the best Santa at Santa’s Village. The one you took RayAnne to see. Isn’t that what you were talking about?”

  “He is?” She stacked the books with a little more oomph than was necessary. RayAnne had told him about the four-wheeler. Was that why he’d invited them over to ride? How embarrassing to have your kid tell Santa that your mother isn’t happy.

  What did Mac think of her? Was that kiss all just him feeling sorry for her? Or did he think he was the real Santa granting wishes for her daughter? And which was worse? “It doesn’t matter. That’s not what I was talking about.” She stopped and turned. “I wish you’d told me about the Santa thing.”

  “Does it make a difference?”

  “No. Of course not, but Bea, a woman answered the door. A young woman, wearing a wedding ring, and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he was dating her. She was so young. Like Jon’s new girlfriend.”

  “Did you two straighten it out?”

  “We did. But I was so humiliated for thinking that. It wasn’t fair. Bea, I’m broken after what happened to me. How will I ever trust anyone? I’m not ready for all of this.”

  “You will. Y’all have hit it off, and you’re enjoying doing new things, too. Like that four-wheeler ride. You said yourself it was more fun than you’d had in a long time. And RayAnne loved it.”

  Sydney’s jaw set. “The four-wheeler. I don’t think that was a coincidence. RayAnne told Santa she wanted one. He knew exactly what he was doing, and I don’t like being manipulated like that.”

  Bea didn’t respond.

  “I don’t know this guy at all. I will not make that mistake again.”

  “What about your date tonight?”

  “If he calls, I’m busy.”

  “You can’t just ignore him. This is a small town.”

  “I can ignore him for now.” And when the dust settled she’d just politely never mention their time together or that kiss … ever again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sydney spent the day going through the motions, but her mind was still replaying her time with Mac. How disappointing. Maybe she’d had her one true shot at love. Jon. So what if it hadn’t lasted a lifetime and ended in disaster? She had more than some people ever had. She shouldn’t have let down her gua
rd. She knew better. Absolutely knew better. She’d said as much before he kissed her.

  But could she blame him? The blame was on her. She could’ve, should’ve, stepped away.

  He’d called twice and both times she’d sent the call to voice mail.

  Diane had dropped RayAnne off, but RayAnne was so tired from her day with Jenny that she’d quietly sat in one of the chairs and read all day.

  Sydney had kept one eye on the front door of The Book Bea all afternoon. She was as nervous as a squirrel trying to cross a road every time the door opened. She hoped he wouldn’t show up here. She couldn’t face him.

  At 5:59 she had everything ready to close up shop and skedaddle. She didn’t waste a minute twisting the key in the lock and hauling butt to her car with RayAnne in tow.

  She’d made it through the day without having to see Mac again. She’d take that one small victory.

  Her phone rang on the way home.

  “Want me to get that?” RayAnne asked.

  “No.” Sydney slapped her hand on the phone. It was probably Mac and she was not about to have that phone call in front of her daughter. “I’ll check it when I get home. Nothing is that important.” She patted RayAnne on the leg. “Love you, kiddo.”

  “Love you too, Mom.”

  “How about we splurge and make pizza tonight?”

  “Pepperoni?”

  “Sure thing.”

  “What time are we going to Seth’s to watch meteors tonight?”

  Sydney hesitated. They’d talked about that in front of the kids the other night. She’d hoped RayAnne had forgotten. The s’mores were going to be a surprise, but the visit wasn’t. “We’re not going.”

  “Why not?” RayAnne’s face scrunched up, her lips bunched like the pouty ten-year-old who’d moved here a couple weeks ago. Not a welcome sight to have back. “It was going to be so cool.”

  She hadn’t prepared for this discussion. “Something came up. Had to cancel.” Not a complete lie, even if she did elude to it being Mac’s fault.

  “Man,” RayAnne flopped against the seat. “That’s not fair. I thought we might get to ride the four-wheelers again.”

  “We’ll do something here. It’ll be fun.”

  RayAnne didn’t say another word all the way home.

  Sydney’s phone rang again.

  “Voice mail?” RayAnne asked.

  Sydney nodded.

  “It might be Mr. Mac saying we’re still on for tonight.”

  “I don’t think so. It’s probably someone selling something. Voice mail will pick up.” She turned over her phone to hide the number and kept her hand over it. She immediately regretted the big fat lie. It was most likely Mac. But she couldn’t talk to him right now. She pushed the vent away from her. She didn’t need the heat blowing on her with the hot flush that was pushing up her cheeks.

  She was so glad when they got home. That car had felt eerily quiet as she sat there stewing in the fib.

  They went inside and Sydney snuck a look at her phone as RayAnne raced upstairs. She was right. It had been Mac.

  Sydney sucked in a breath when she saw the live tree in her living room. It had been a nice gesture. For what it was worth. At least the room smelled nice. She dropped her keys on the entry table and went to the kitchen to start dinner.

  “RayAnne,” Sydney called upstairs. “You going to come down and help me fix the pizza?”

  “Coming. Just a minute.” A few moments later RayAnne came into the kitchen. “Seth said his dad didn’t say anything about tonight being cancelled.”

  “Here, you do the cheese.”

  “Cool. The cheesier the better.”

  Sydney picked up her phone and texted Mac.

  Sydney: Have to cancel tonight.

  Mac: Was looking forward to it. Tomorrow?

  Sydney started to respond but decided less was more in this case. She put her phone on the counter, and then helped RayAnne slide the pizza into the oven.

  “I’ll set the timer. How long?” RayAnne stood poised over the timer.

  “Set it for twelve minutes and then we’ll check.”

  She twisted the knob, then threw her hands in the air. “Done.”

  Sydney’s phone rang.

  RayAnne peered over the phone.

  Dread filled Sydney, knowing it would be Mac.

  “It’s Daddy!”

  Somehow Jon didn’t seem as bad tonight.

  “Can I answer it?”

  “Sure.”

  RayAnne answered the phone with a happy squeal. She danced around the kitchen as she ran down every detail in their lives since the last time she’d spoken to him. “I miss you lots, Daddy. Can’t wait until Christmas Day. For Santa and for you. Mostly you.”

  RayAnne’s enthusiasm bubbled. Sydney loved the sound of her daughter’s laugh, even though it did hurt just a teensy bit to hear her gush over Jon.

  “Why?” RayAnne said.

  Sydney felt the vibe in the room change. As she turned she saw the crestfallen look on her daughter’s face. Oh no. Jon, don’t do this again, she thought.

  “But you said we would still have fun on Christmas. It’s Christmas, Daddy.” RayAnne’s eyes teared. “I don’t care about the trip. Come here and stay with us then.”

  Sydney wanted to snatch the phone from her hand, but she held herself in check. She couldn’t rescue RayAnne from Jon’s actions, and giving him a piece of her mind would only sink her to his level.

  “But I miss you, Daddy.”

  Sydney raised her hands to her face. It was so hard to stand by listening to this.

  “No. That’s not fair. You don’t love me.” RayAnne dropped the phone on the counter and raced from the room.

  * * *

  Sydney stood there for a moment. Just staring.

  “RayAnne?”

  Sydney could hear Jon’s voice. But RayAnne wasn’t there to respond. Her tennis shoes pounded against each stair tread to her room, then a door slammed.

  Sydney picked up the phone. “Jon? Are you there?”

  “What’d she do? I was talking to her.”

  “What did she do? I was standing here. She was listening to you. What did you do now?”

  “I just told her we’d need a rain check. I’m going to take her skiing one weekend in January, and we’ll do spring break.”

  “You canceled?”

  “I didn’t cancel. A rain check. You know, just same thing, different day.”

  “For Christmas? A rain check? Goodness gracious, Jon. She’s not a box of cereal that’s on sale.”

  “What’s the big deal? I’m shipping her a gift.”

  Better not be a four-wheeler. “It’s not about the presents, Jon. She misses you.”

  “I miss her too, but there’s a lot going on here.” He cleared his throat. “I’m transferring some extra money into your account for her for a gift. Get her what she wants.”

  “You can’t buy your way out of this, Jon. This is her school break, and she’s been talking about nothing but this trip with you for weeks. You let her down with the ski trip, and now you’re not going to make it for one lousy day. Frankly, I’m sick of hearing about it, and it’s not about me. This is not fair.”

  “Well, it can’t be helped.”

  The timer sounded. She snatched the door to the oven with so much force that it nearly closed by itself. “What could be so important that you have to let your daughter down? On Christmas?” She grabbed the hand towel and slid the pizza pan onto the counter.

  “Don’t I deserve to be happy? Look, I’m not going to get hung up on by her and then have to listen to you, too. I don’t have to explain my actions to you.”

  “You’re right. You don’t, and I don’t even want to hear your lame excuse anyway. You don’t just rain check your daughter. But I’m not shopping for you, and I’m not explaining for you. You are going to have to dig yourself out of this for once. And trust me, you’ve really done it this time. This is not the kind of disappointment that p
asses quickly. You better be ready to carry it for a long time.”

  “Don’t preach at me,” he said. “I don’t deserve it.”

  “Don’t even start trying to turn this on me. You deserve to put your daughter first … for once. Have your midlife crisis, but do that on your time.”

  “Well, I guess I might as well tell you. You’ll hear it from RayAnne soon enough. I just told her. I’m going to be a father again. We’re pregnant.”

  Syd lowered the phone and realized she probably looked exactly like RayAnne had. Just standing there, mouth slightly open, blinking. She ended the call and turned off her phone.

  Sydney walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. Numb. That’s pretty much how she felt. Not mad. Not sad. Not even worried. Just tired. Over it.

  And she didn’t have it in her to go upstairs and console RayAnne, because frankly she couldn’t say anything nice or helpful when it came to Jon right now. And bashing him was a promise to herself she refused to break. She’d let RayAnne cry it out and come down when she was ready.

  Sydney would cry it out too, if she had a tear left in her for him, but she was pretty sure that after tonight she’d shed the last tear for Jon Ragsdale that she ever would.

  She curled up on the couch. Hugging the throw pillow, she pulled her knees up, wishing the world could fall away and she’d wake up three months later in Hopewell with all of this behind her. She closed her eyes and tried to dream of better days.

  She woke up more exhausted than when she’d laid down. She was so tired of covering for Jon. She pulled herself up from the couch and checked the time. It had been two hours since that phone call. Enough time to let RayAnne feel what she was going to feel. She made two cups of hot chocolate and went upstairs.

  With a double-tap on RayAnne’s door with the edge of one of the mugs, she called, “Hey honey. We need to talk about your plans with your dad.” She stood there waiting to hear the stomping of a disappointed pre-teen, but there was nothing but quiet. She’d probably cried herself to sleep.

  “Love you, RayAnne,” she said quietly through the door.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Mac was thankful for the Santa suit gear tonight. Finally the weather was cooperating and acting like December. From here he could see the bubble-snow being sprayed from the hayloft of the reindeer barn, and it really did look like snow when the temperature was right.