I sat in silence with my eyes closed, silently hoping that I would be able to feel him here with me today. Whether it is the breeze that brushes against my cheek or the beautiful butterfly that comes to land on my hand, my eyes open slowly at the flutter of movement.
“Pops. I don't know if you can hear me. I know I haven't been to see you in a while. I am so sorry I didn't come home more often to visit you while I still had the chance. I miss you more than you could ever know. I wish you were here. I feel so lost without you. I just don't know what I am doing and I keep making a mess of things.” I continued to talk to him as if he could magically hear me from wherever the great unknown was. I poured my heart out to him for the next hour.
“I am in love with a man that is incapable of loving me back. I don't know what took me so long to realize all the things I felt for Damien. I think you saw it long before I did. Pops, I don't know how to get through to him; to reach him. He is so afraid to trust anyone with his heart. I think I am more hurt by the fact that he feels he can't even trust me. We have been there for one another our whole lives. He knows who I am and yet he feels he can't allow me to love him unconditionally. Maybe he is afraid of failing me, but it's not fair that he will not even give us a chance.” I wiped the tears away and exhaled.
“Do you think it is still possible to find what you and mom had? You both just knew from the very start. I feel in my soul that Damien is the one for me. Nothing has ever been clearer but at what point do you just give up? I can't fight for someone who doesn't feel they want this as bad as I do. I've decided to go back to New York. I know you are probably disappointed that I am giving up so easy, but I need time to figure this mess out. I need some time away from him. I love you pops and I promise I will come visit you more often.”
I place the fresh flowers on his grave as I lean in to kiss his headstone. With my palm pressed firmly there on his name, I try to absorb as much courage as I can to trust my gut on what was best for me.
I always feel my father with me, but his presence is just a bit stronger by the time I leave. I feel a comfort and peace that I didn't have when I first arrived. I leave my father's resting place with the understanding that I can't control what fate has in store for me. Life is too short and if I remain focused on the pain, I could possibly miss out the true beauty that still awaits me. I want to truly live and life has a way of working itself out the way that it is meant to be. The truth is, some hearts just need to find beauty in the breaking. Sometimes the cracks in a heart are the easiest to see.
***
After returning home, I place the one phone call I have been dreading since I made the decision to return to New York.
My mother sits silently on the phone as she listens impatiently. I can tell she is ready to unleash a whole lot of her “wisdom” and unsolicited advice as soon as I take a breath. I manage to get everything out that I want to say without any interruptions. Surely, my mom can understand. She has seen me struggle with weeks to find the peace I desperately need. I was expecting her to be supportive but with her, you just couldn't know.
“I just think it's best for me. I appreciate everything you have done really. Please just try to understand that I have to figure things out on my own.”
“Summer, honey I love you. I have always supported you and your decisions. But do you really think that you can keep running from your problems? If you truly love Damien, isn't it worth sticking it out and fighting for? You can't tuck your tail and walk away. You have perfected the art of that. Maybe it's time that you learn that the things you want most are worth fighting harder than you ever have before. You have to put in the time and not give up. He will come around but not if you are showing him it's so easy for you to turn your back the minute he just needs time to breathe. Show him what he has to lose, remind him that you are a fighter, and that you can love enough for the both of you. For once, give him a glimpse of a heart worth holding, and teach him the magic in falling and knowing you will be caught.”
My hopes rise as I sit listening to all of the wisdom that my mother has. Yet, there are pieces of me that hold onto the fear that no matter how hard I fight, I will still lose. This is Damien's choice. It is up to him to find his way back from the years of pain that have buried his heart. He will need to learn on his own that love is worth the risk. He needs to be the one to take that first step to climb his way back from that place he buries himself in.
He has closed himself off to any type of feelings for years and his wall is a fortress that only he can chip away at until he is free to love. I have to give him a reality check the hard way. I am not going to put my life on hold to wait on him. If he wants this, the life that we can have, a love that could bring the healing he needs, he will have to see that I am ready to walk away. It will take something drastic to get through to him.
Damien needs to make peace with the fact that life drags us through storms. By digging through the pieces of the wreckage, we are able to find that the most damaged parts of us, are a perfect remnant left behind to be molded into something far more beautiful than we ever imagined possible. A heart is only its strongest when it has been broken, tested, pieced back together, and mended by love.
“Mom, I know what you are saying. Trust me, I do. This is me fighting for him. I know that sounds stupid. What I mean is that Damien needs to see what life is like without me. Now that he knows how I feel, he will need to decide if he is willing to let me walk away again without fighting for us. This is the only way that I can see if he is ready for the love that I have to offer him. I have to trust my heart and take this chance. This is not me running, this is me forcing him to wake up and open his eyes. If I am wrong, and he doesn't see what he is losing, then maybe fate has other plans. In the meantime, I still have some of my own soul searching that I need to do. I love you and I value your advice, but this is what I have chosen. Please support that.”
I could hear my mom sigh as she contemplated my reasoning. I know that what's right for me isn't right for everyone else, and maybe my logic is a little bit twisted. There is no way in hell that I can be in this town, knowing that he is out there, somewhere, and not with me. At least with the distance between us, I will not have to worry about going out and seeing him with another bitch. Yeah, I am definitely not ready to come face to face with that. I would have to beat that bitch's ass.
After hanging up the phone, I decide to start the process of lining up a place in New York. I take the opportunity to review all of my financials and to be on the safe side, I place a call to my accountant to verify what price range I should stick with. The modeling agency will automatically cover fifty-percent of my housing costs. I made sure to have that stipulation added into my contract a few years back.
I browse the online ads for hours when I come across the immaculate and spacious loft. The apartment is a perfect find. Situated in the historic area of Tribeca, the loft comes fully furnished and decorated. The modern design blends perfectly with the high end art that graces the exposed brick walls. I manage to reach the Realtor and secure the property for a whopping $14000.00 a month. Which is not half bad for a space that size in that area.
It is a good thing that I have managed my career and money extremely wisely over the past eight years. I am not rich by Bill Gates standards, but I am pretty set financially. Although, I cannot see me living alone in a two bedroom loft that boasts 2400 square feet. Chances are, I will look for a roommate once I am back in the city.
I finish up the last bit of packing after I got off the phone with the Realtor who is scheduled to meet with Michelle to drop off the keys. I spend about an hour on the phone with Michelle covering all of the Damien drama.
“Well maybe, you just really needed a good lay. I mean if he is that good in bed, why complicate things. I say keep it simple and enjoy the ride, but if you feel that you really can't do the no strings thing, then I understand why you are leaving. Maybe it is too fresh off of your break up with Cameron.”
“I really
don't think it's that. I mean I cared about Cameron, don't get me wrong. But this is different. When I saw him, that first time, I just knew. Michelle he is the one and I think that is what is driving me so crazy. Why can't he see that? Hell, after all I poured out that night, why can't he feel it?” The bit of desperation in my voice does not go unnoticed by Michelle.
“Oh sweetie, this guy obviously has issues and it's not for you to try to figure them out. You just need to come back to the city and move on.”
“Yeah, I know. I have learned that you can't put a Band-Aid on this and expect it to heal.”
We both let out a sigh and change the subject to the newest gossip in our circle of friends. Apparently, Cameron was let go from his modeling contract for not showing up to gigs. He has been living with that little twit he cheated on me with ever since the night I kicked him out. We spend the next hour on the phone before I finally tell her I need to go. I still have packing to finish and need to get to bed early enough to be able to get up at five in the morning to get to the airport.
“So, I will see you bright and early at 7 a.m. Do me a favor and please say you will have a latte from Strumptown waiting on me?” I can almost imagine Michelle's eyes rolling on the other side of the phone. I giggle. “Hey, what can I say, the closest thing to coffee out here is Starbucks, and yeah, that is not coffee.”
“I knew the city girl was still in there somewhere. For a minute I was worried you had gone all soft and country on me. So yes, I will bring you a latte. I will see you in the morning babe.”
I take a deep breath in as I lean against the kitchen bar and glance around what had finally started to feel like home. I tell myself to suck it up. I think I can do this, but in order to prove it, I actually have to do this.
Chapter Twelve
Damien
I glance over at the clock on my bedside table. It is three in the morning and I have been tossing and turning for the past five hours. Sleep is a luury these days and I am in very short supply. I reach for my cell phone and begin to browse through my contact list until I see her number peering back at me.
A picture of Summer comes to life on the screen. I push dial and quickly decide to hit the end button. I just want to hear her voice. I need to see her face smiling back at me and remember the sound of her laughter. What I wouldn't give to see her roll her eyes at me and place her hand on her hip, as she runs that smart ass, quick witted mouth, reeling me back in.
I toss the rumpled sheets aside and tread across the empty room to pour myself a glass of bourbon. The dim lamp illuminates the vast living area. I sulk down in the empty chair and swirl the brown liquid around in the glass as I allow myself to replay that day in my mind. I could have said a thousand things to her. I should have done a million things differently in that moment, instead of breaking her heart being the asshole I have always been.
There is no question that I am in love with her, but to admit that to her would only open up the opportunity for me to disappoint her. The last thing that I want to do is break her heart again. I can't trust myself to get things right. It is easier to live with the pain of not having her, than to imagine a life where I am responsible for stomping out the fire inside her.
The week following our fight, her mother called the shop to report that Summer wouldn't be returning and a new girl was hired to replace her. Summer had requested to transfer over to the realty office. Marie didn't have to tell me why. I already knew that things with us were going to be awkward.
I think a part of me was just hoping that the next day she would show up for work and we could talk about everything and figure something out. As hard as I tried, nothing that I said got through to her. Part of me was pissed at her. Out of everyone in my life, she knew the real me, or so I thought. I wasn't counting on her to ask me to tear down the walls that I had spent years building. She was asking too much of me.
***
As the weeks went by, I made every attempt to call her and fix the mess that we somehow made. It's been a little over two months since I have seen or heard from Summer. All of my efforts to call her have been futile. She has cut off all contact and refuses to accept any of my calls. The frustration proves to be more than I expected. I was wrong in thinking that things would blow over if I just gave her space to calm down and think about things. When she asked me to leave that day, she meant forever.
I check in with Marie often, considering Summer is being stubborn and refusing to acknowledge my attempts to reach out to her. Her mom told me she is fitting in great at the real estate office. She seems to be thriving at her job, but she isn't the same. Her mom wouldn't go into details but she asked that I respect Summer's wishes and let her move on.
Everything feels so different now. My life feels like it has been turned upside down and it has no direction. I've done nothing but replay our last conversation over and over in my head. Her words cut like a knife and hearing her tell me she hated me, was the deepest slice. I had not heard those words come from anyone since the last time my mother struck me and I walked away knowing those words would haunt me every day for the rest of my life.
Everything would be so much easier if she had never come back. By forcing me to look inside of myself, she has me questioning everything I thought I had figured out. I find the only comfort I can in the bottom of a bottle. I have become a shell of the person I was before she walked back into my life.
I finish the last of the bourbon and crawl back into bed. I manage to get a few hours of sleep before the alarm clock brings me back to reality.
I fill my mug with bourbon before heading out of the door to work. I leave a little early to drive by Summer's place. Of course I know she won't be home, but I can't resist the urge to pass by her place. I turn the music up as loud as it can go, listening to Passenger's 'Let her go' on the radio. By the time I make it to the shop, I am pissed off at myself all over again.
“Man, you look like shit dude,” Cash starts in on me as soon as I walk into the door of the shop.
“Yeah, fuck you too.” I am in no mood to listen to his shit this early in the morning.
It only takes one look in my direction for him to know today is not the day to push my buttons. I am a ticking time bomb ready to go off.
He tosses his hands in the air to fend off my harsh words.
“Bro, you look like a million fucking bucks and I am just an asshole completely jealous of that fact.”
My lips quivers before I actually manage a half assed smile.
“Yeah. Okay, punk,” I laugh. “Hey, do you want to catch some drinks tonight at Sabre.
“Um... Yeah. If you are sure you are up to it,” Cash comments standoffishly.
“What's that supposed to mean?” I cut my eyes at Cash and he instantly knows that whatever smart-ass comment he has, it would be better to keep it to himself.
“Nothing,” he rolls his eyes as he turns back to his customer and mumbles under his breath. If there weren't clients in the shop, I would probably make a scene. Cash just doesn't know when to let shit go. He has been hinting at my attitude for weeks and recently it seems like he makes an excuse not to go out with me.
After a full day of appointments, I wrap up at the shop and head home to change. I know a huge part in my attitude is the fact that all of the life in my dick, left with Summer. I picked up a chick at the club a couple weeks ago and we headed out to her place. Everything was going great and I was ready to dive into some nice, tight, wet pussy when my dick decided to check out. The bitch tried to suck me off and play with it to get it hard but the bastard refused.
I was Damien Cole. I was known for the well-endowed, very hard, and undeniably fabulous fucking cock I had. Summer had ruined me. My cock refused to cooperate with me and I have been walking around with the biggest fucking chip on my shoulder and one hell of a set of blue balls. I need to fuck or my balls are going to fucking explode.
Whatever she did, it wasn't just fucking with my head. After several attempts to try to get laid, I f
inally gave the fuck up and resorted to fucking jacking off every day.
***
It was the following month, when Cash and I went out, that I hit bottom. One night changed everything and forced me to really take a look at my life.
“Dude. Can we have some fun for a change? You have to stop giving this girl free rent in your head or be man enough to admit that maybe you are just too damned scared that you really do love this chick,” Cash interrupts my thoughts.
The club is packed tonight and there is a slew of available girls waiting for the taking, yet, none of them catch my interest because they just aren't her.
“I don't know what you are talking about dude. I'm fine. How about another drink?” I change the subject and get up to head to the bar. As I make my way through the club, the lights strobe along with the blaring music. Flashbacks of our childhood come rushing back like still photographs. Each snapshot a memory that always involves Summer. Looking back there isn't a time that she wasn't there by my side.
It was the little things like sitting beside me on the school bus so the other kids didn't pick on me or stealing her mother's makeup and covering the bruises on my face so that no one would see. She was always defending me, taking care of me, and fixing me. In high school, she would threaten any girl who wanted to date me, warning them if they broke my heart, she would break their face.
Dared (Boneyard Bad Boy #1) Page 12