Secrets (1985)

by Steel, Danielle

  You're beautiful, Jane.

  Thank you. She turned away and he got out and put the other robe on, and they went back inside and finished their wine, sitting in her partially furnished living room with its beautiful view. It was a magical night, and Jane drank more than she normally would have. She was so comfortable with him and it had been a difficult day, and it seemed perfectly natural when he leaned over and kissed her softly on the lips, but he did nothing more than that. And then he kissed her again, and she felt her whole body long for his touch, and she moved closer to him, and gently touched his chest, not sure what to say to him. She felt totally free and at ease, and the girls were spending the week with Jack, so she didn't have to worry about them coming home and walking in on them. She hadn't slept with anyone in seven months, and she was suddenly desperately hungry for Zack, sitting beside her.

  You're so beautiful. He gently parted her robe, as though to appreciate her, and she closed her eyes with a look of desire, and then opened them again.

  I want you so much' . It was almost easy to say the words to him, and then suddenly he turned away. He put down his glass and stood up and walked toward the view, he stood there for a long time as she watched, knowing something was wrong, but not sure what. What is it, Zack? She wondered if it was something she had said, or done, or if she had been too forward with him. I didn't mean to '

  He was quick to turn around at the pain in her voice. But the pain in his eyes was far greater. It's nothing you did ' don't ever think that ' on the contrary ' you've almost changed my life ' almost ' but not quite.

  Why would you want to change anything? She was confused, and he knew he had to be honest with her.

  Because I haven't slept with a woman in more than twenty years ' twenty-five to be exact ' that's a long time, Jane' .

  Yes, it is. She looked very gently at him, and he came back to sit next to her, with a sigh, his whole body seeming to sag, with regret and relief, and the need to unburden himself to her. I went to boarding school when I was very young ' fourteen to be exact ' one of the very best schools ' and it was kind of a joke then ' a lot of the boys played around with each other, everyone did it.' I never did. It never appealed to me ' until the new English teacher came. He was tall and beautiful and blond ' kind of like Bill, and about the same age. And he wanted me to be his special friend.' He took me fishing with him, shared books with me, took me on camping trips. I admired him ' too much ' and on the second camping trip, he climbed into my sleeping bag, and told me how much he cared about me, how special I was to him, and he made love to me' . I was fourteen years old. And I didn't know what to do. Who to tell. I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway. Everyone was crazy about him. And he was related to the headmaster somehow. When my parents came, I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything for two years until he left, and I swore to myself I'd never do anything like it again. I knew it was wrong, no matter how much I admired him. Jane watched him with wide eyes, but there was no condemnation there, only sorrow for the boy he had been thirty years before.

  When I went to college, I fell in love with a beautiful girl, we even got engaged when I was twenty-two. She was wonderful, and she was going to be an actress too. We were going to have the perfect life, and four kids ' until she met someone else. And I was devastated. We were both too young. And there was no one else after that ' until my first goddam film. I wanted it desperately, and the director was a real son of a bitch. I was twenty-three years old, and he got me roaring drunk. And the next morning I woke up in his bed. He had even had one of his little pals take pictures of it, me passed out cold and he ' you can imagine the rest. He threatened to blackmail me if I didn't go on sleeping with him. So I did ' and I guess I felt the die was cast after that. He hung on to me for almost a year, and by then it was too late. I was terrified someone would find out. I didn't sleep with anyone for two years after that, and then I met a nice man who was twice my age. I got involved with him, and he was extremely discreet. No one ever knew. And there was only one other man after that ' it ended a number of years ago, and we're still friends. I've always been terrified someone would find out. That would do a lot for my image, wouldn't it? There were tears rolling down his cheeks when he looked at her again and she gently wiped them away. The crazy thing is that I never wanted another woman after Kimberly ' until I met you ' and then I thought everything might change ' but I can't ' I can't go back ' and I don't want the gay scene anymore either. But I don't want to drag you into all that. What if I fell in love with another man ' next year? In ten years? Then what? You're devastated all over again? You've had enough pain in your life without me.

  She was crying too. I love you, Zack. She loved his pain and his honesty, along with the rest of him. I don't care about all that. I'm sorry it happened to you ' I'm so sorry' Her voice broke on a sob and he held her close, and kissed her again.

  I care though. I care for both of us.

  Shhh ' She kissed him and he held her close for a long time, and when she looked up at him again, it was dark outside. Stay here tonight. It was a whisper in the darkened living room.

  I can't.

  Why not?

  It wouldn't be fair. I don't want to make love with you.

  Just hold me then ' don't leave me alone ' I need you too much' . The funny thing was that he needed her too, more than he knew how to say, more than he wanted to admit. They lay side by side on the couch, until she fell asleep, exhausted by the emotions of the day. And he lay in the dark, looking at her, holding her close, and he felt a stirring he hadn't felt in more than twenty years reach up from deep in his soul. But he didn't do anything. He just lay there next to her, crying for the past, and the boy he had been, and desperately wanting her.

  Chapter 22

  Very quiet now ' and ' roll camera! ' light it up! ' Action! ' Take five' . Sabina stood in the center of an elaborately decorated living room, with a chandelier overhead, staring at Zack with rage, and she slapped his face with eyes that flashed, and he grabbed her hand.

  I told you ' don't ever do that again!

  Stay away from my sister! You work for me, Adrian!

  You don't own me, Eloise.

  I own all of you ' all of you ' do you hear me? Her eyes blazed and the camera moved in close to them, as the director waved an arm.

  Cut ' the best so far ' but let's try it again anyway.

  Everyone relaxed, and Sabina smiled, as the makeup man rushed forward to powder Zack's face. There were hushed murmurs in the crowd, and Sabina rehearsed the words again silently.

  Ready to go again? The director was standing close to them and turned to someone on his right. Let's go to the zoom this time. He turned back to Sabina and Zack. That was very good. Let's just try one more. And then to his assistant again. Put us on a bell, please. The bell rang a moment later, warning everyone that they were about to roll.

  Scene twenty-five, take six, a voice rang out. Roll camera ' Action, please! Sabina moved forward with flashing eyes and slapped Zack again, as he caught her hand and repeated the same lines. This time was even better than the one before and a moment later the words rang out. Cut! ' very good ' and it's a print! Everyone walked off the set with a smile, including Zack, who had been slapped six times. It didn't bother him, and they were through for the day. He glanced at his watch, said something to Gabrielle in an undertone and hurried off to his dressing room, as Gabby went to find Jane.

  She was taking her makeup off. She had been in five scenes that day, and one of them had required sixteen takes. It was a long day for everyone. They worked two six-hour shifts, every day, with a one-hour break for lunch. And they stopped at exactly twelve hours, so there were no penalties for overtime. Everything worked by the clock. And it was seven o'clock when they stopped that night.

  Want to go out somewhere for a hamburger? Gabrielle looked casual. She had grown up a lot in the past six months, working with all of them, and her acting had improved. She was still working with her coach, but the experi
ence she was getting was invaluable. And people were being kinder to her again. There had been a lot of talk for a while, but eventually as Mel had said, they lost interest in it. There were other scandals to talk about, and plenty of gossip on the set. Who she was became less exciting to everyone, and she worked like a pro. The crew respected her for that, and Jane had grown immensely fond of her.

  I was going to have dinner with the girls tonight. She smiled at her, but she looked sad. She felt a thousand years old. She hadn't told anyone on the set but it was her fortieth birthday, and she had had happier ones. Do you want to come along? We thought we'd go out for hamburgers.

  Sure. Do I have to change? She was wearing ragged jeans with holes in the knees and she looked worse than usual. But Jane didn't care. She got into her old pink jogging suit and her sneaks. There was no reason to dress. They weren't going anywhere in particular, and Alex was giving her a hard time again. She still held her mother responsible for the divorce, although she was impressed with her role on the show. At least Alyssa had come around. They had both turned fifteen and seventeen in the past month, and Jack had just given Alex her own car, a Rabbit convertible, and she liked to drive everyone everywhere.

  Gabrielle and Jane walked off the set as they were moving the wild walls of the Martin home. The elaborate living room had already disappeared. How was the last scene? Jane smiled. Did you watch?

  They did it in six takes. It looked pretty good.

  Is Zack black-and-blue?

  Gabby laughed. Privately, Jane referred to Sabina as the Dragon Queen. He'll live. He had a date, he said, he left right afterwards, but he looked okay. Everyone had left quickly that night, and Gabby followed Jane home to her new house in Bel-Air, where the girls were waiting for her. It was almost eight o'clock by then, and the two women had a glass of wine, and then Alex offered to drive them to the Hard Rock Cafe for their hamburger. The girls were nicely dressed for once, in clean slacks and nice tops. Jane felt guilty going out in her pink jogging suit but she was too tired to change, and Gabby looked even worse, as they chatted in the backseat. Jane admonished Alex not to drive too fast, and then suddenly Gabby looked annoyed.

  Damn ' Zack has my script for tomorrow, and I need it tonight.

  I can give you mine when we get back to the house. I'm only in the last two scenes. They were all working hard, but Gabby shook her head.

  I've got notes on mine. Do you mind if we stop at his place? She turned to Alex and told her where it was. I'll just run in, and get it ' you don't mind, do you, Jane? She did, but she didn't want to say so. She was tired and depressed, and she wanted to eat and go home to bed. The girls hadn't said anything about her birthday, and she was sure they'd forgotten it.

  It took them another fifteen minutes to get to Zack's house and when they got there, Gabby asked Jane if she wanted to come in.

  I thought he was going out.

  I think he said he was going out at nine.

  That's okay ' I'll wait here. She sat with the girls while Gabby went inside, and Alexandra turned to her.

  Can't we go in and see his house, Mom?

  He's busy, sweetheart. And it's not fair for all of us to drop in on him.

  Come on ' everyone says it's fabulous' .

  Alex, please ' But the exuberant teen-ager had already jumped out of the car, and Alyssa followed suit. Alex! ' girls! ' please!' They were impossible, they were already halfway to the front door, as Jane got out to bring them back. They rang the bell just as she reached the front step, and she was about to tell them to get back in the car, when the door opened and she was suddenly propelled up the front steps and inside by the two girls, as a roar of voices greeted her ears, and all she could see was a room filled with faces and balloons.

  Surprise! two hundred voices said.

  Happy birthday, Mom! She could barely see the girls through her tears, and Gabby was standing next to Zack. He had done everything, and he had invited everyone she'd ever known, the cast and crew of Manhattan, some old friends the girls had called for him, the entire cast of Sorrows, whom she hadn't seen in almost a year, her agent ' everyone!

  Oh my God! All she could do was cry and laugh as she was passed from arm to arm, being kissed and hugged, and then suddenly she was looking up at Zack, beaming down at her. What did you do! ' oh my God! She looked down at the pink jogging suit and laughed through her tears. She hadn't even combed her hair. Look how I look.

  You look beautiful, and not a day over fourteen!

  Oh, Zack' Their eyes met and held, and she kissed him on the cheek that had been slapped six times that afternoon. Even Sabina was there, smiling benevolently at her, in a fabulous white jersey jumpsuit, with the pearls she had gotten from Mel.

  Happy birthday, kid. Sabina grinned and kissed her lightly on the cheek. The two women weren't close friends, but they weren't enemies. And everyone had kept the surprise well. Mel gave her a big hug, and even Bill was there, smiling at the look on her face. No one deserved it more than she. She was nice to everyone in the cast, even the actors no one else knew, and the crew was crazy about her. There was a huge cake in the dining room, and a band playing outside. It was the most beautiful party she had ever seen.

  Happy fortieth, Jane. Zack had an arm around her as he walked her around the enormous living room, so she could see everyone. There was even a dance floor outside, and a huge buffet piled high with two-dozen varieties of Mexican food, which the girls had insisted was her favorite.

  How did you do all this? I didn't suspect anything. She was amazed, and the tears flowed again, as she looked up at him, deeply touched by all he'd done. No one had ever been as good to her as he was. She reached up silently then and put her arms around his neck, and the crowd cheered as she kissed him lightly on the lips, as Sabina approached with a scowl.

  I told you to stay away from my sister, Adrian. The crowd roared as he pretended to cower.

  Don't hit me again, please' . He pretended to rub the oft-offended cheek, and everyone laughed as Sabina grinned and went back to Mel. Everyone had a good time, and no one saw Bill slip away quietly before the cake was served. Jane sent the girls home at twelve o'clock. They had to go home to their father that night. It was actually his day with them, but he had let them go out, because of Jane's birthday. They would be back to Jane the next day. And the rest of the guests stayed until almost three.

  She was exhausted when they finally left, and she stayed to talk to Zack, and thank him again. Someone else had taken Gabby home around two, and Zack had promised to drive the birthday girl home himself. But they were in no hurry now, as they sat drinking champagne by the pool.

  I don't know what to say. She had never been so touched. It was just beautiful ' the most beautiful night of my life' . She knew she would cherish the memory for the rest of her life.

  You're a special girl. He gave her a warm hug, and looked into her eyes. He had planned it for two months, ever since she had mentioned she was having her fortieth birthday soon, and Gabby had helped, and the girls. Everyone had pitched in willingly for Jane. There was no one more liked on the whole show, except perhaps him. Jane and Zack were nice people, and they cared about their fellow crew members, they were thoughtful, decent, respected by all. I wanted to do something special for you.

  Well, you sure did. She sipped her champagne and looked at him. His confessions to her had changed nothing between them, if anything they had grown closer in the last month. He had taken her out to dinner a few times, and they didn't talk about it. But he was enormously relieved when he didn't sense a change in her.

  You've done a lot for me too, you know' .

  Are you kidding? I haven't done anything.

  Yes, you have. But he didn't know how to put it into words. You've made me think about a lot of things.

  You've helped me over the worst time in my life. The divorce would have been even worse without you, Zack.

  I don't see how I helped, but I'm glad if I did.

  The nightmare had dimmed,
thanks to him, and she felt like a whole new person now. Each of them was more because of what the other gave.

  She looked up at him with damp eyes then. No one's ever been as kind to me as you are' .

  He leaned forward and kissed her lips. Then they were fools. But he had been a fool too, for the past twenty years, he had allowed fear and regret to rule his life. By his own guilt, he had forced himself into a life in which he had never quite fit. But suddenly he didn't care about it as much anymore. She didn't, so why should he. He had even explained it to his friend, a few weeks before. And Bob hadn't been surprised. He had always sensed that Zack would go the other way again, and now he was almost sure he would.

  I can't do that to her, Zack had said.

  Do what? Be honest? You already were, and she didn't give a damn, did she? Bob was pleased. He cared a great deal about Zack, and he had had another lover himself for several years, a man who meant everything to him. But Zack troubled Bob. He deserved so much more than that. And he had so much to give. He only hoped Jane was worthy of him.

  Happy birthday, Jane, Zack whispered and she smiled happily. Want to go for a swim? The night was warm, and neither one of them was tired. They had long since passed that point, and they were happy and comfortable lying by the pool, drinking champagne in the star-filled night.

  I didn't bring my suit.

  He laughed softly. Where have I heard that before? Seems to me we managed without once somewhere else' . At her house, when she'd moved in. We could try again.