Happily Ever Madder : Misadventures of a Mad Fat Girl (9781101607107)

by Mcafee, Stephanie

“Could we go to the store and then come back?” Tia asks sweetly. “I’m not sure what I’m accomplishing by doing this other than wasting time, but—”

  “What you’re accomplishing is seeing if it’s worth getting your panties in a wad over him!” Jalena says.

  “That’s right,” I say, desperately wishing I could get my panties out of a wad over him.

  We drive down to the gas station on the corner, stock up on refreshments, and head back to Kevin Jacobs’s house. His front door is still open, so we discuss for a moment what kind of man showers with his front door wide-open and decide that’s probably a bachelor thing.

  We get everything set up again and I’ve just gotten the receiver turned toward the house when blue lights illuminate the night sky.

  “Oh, holy shit!” Jalena says, and Tia jerks the headphones off her head.

  “What the—” She turns around and sees the cop car, then wiggles her way onto the floorboard. “Oh God, y’all please handle this and don’t let anyone see me, please! Oh my God, I knew this was a bad idea.”

  “Shush, Tia!” Jalena says. “Let me see if I can talk to him.” Jalena opens the door of her Jeep and has one foot on the ground when we hear the loudspeaker.

  “Get back in the vehicle!” the voice booms. “Ma’am, get back in the vehicle immediately.”

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Jalena says indignantly and jerks her leg back inside the Jeep.

  “Close the door, ma’am!” the voice booms again, and I see the neighbors peeking out of windows and doors.

  I hear another siren, and then a second patrol car swoops by and hastily backs in right in front of the Jeep.

  “Ma’am, close the door!” the voice says again.

  “Motherfuckers!” Jalena says under her breath.

  The second patrol car is parked directly behind Kevin Jacobs’s work truck. I bury my face in my hands, and when I look up again, I see him standing in his doorway wearing only a towel. Jalena is slinging stuff out of her purse and cussing like a sailor, and Tia is rolled up in a ball on the tiny back floorboard of the Jeep. I stare at him for a second, then grab the binoculars out of my purse and have a closer look.

  “What in the hell are you doing?” Jalena asks me. “Where did you get binoculars?”

  “From my house,” I tell her, not taking my eyes off Kevin Jacobs and his towel. Then I realize how I must look sitting here having a peep show when we’re surrounded by law enforcement and shove the binoculars back down in my purse. “What?” I say, like it’s perfectly normal to tote things like that around.

  Jalena gets back to digging in her purse and finally fishes out a tin of Altoids and promptly tosses a handful in her mouth.

  “Can you move your seat up, Ace?” Tia whispers.

  “Tia,” I say quietly, “you might want to get up off that floorboard, because if the officer sees you back there, he’s probably going to ask you to get out of the car.”

  “No!” she barks. “I’m not moving. Kevin cannot see me here like this. I would die!”

  “Tia, just get up and sit behind Jalena. Sit up in the seat and don’t put your head down when the officer looks back there, okay? Just get up and act normal.”

  “I know every cop in this town! I am not moving. Just stop talking to me!”

  I look up and Kevin has disappeared. No doubt getting dressed to come outside and investigate the ruckus.

  “Tia, I’ve got a blanket back there somewhere,” Jalena tells her. “Get as far under the backseat as you can, and then cover yourself up with that.” Jalena looks at me. “Drop that receiver between your feet and kick it under the seat; then put your purse back there on top of her. Keep it low and don’t turn around. Just slide it back there nice and easy.”

  “Ew!” Tia squeals. “There’s a dildo back here!”

  “Shut up and leave it alone!”

  “That thing had better not be used,” Tia whispers. She knocks my purse over as I’m trying to slide it back there, so now the binoculars are lying in plain view. In addition to a dildo.

  “Shut up, Tia, and be still. The officer just got out of his car.” Jalena looks at me and smiles. “I’ve been looking for that thing everywhere.” I start laughing and can’t stop, even when the cop starts tapping on the window and motioning for Jalena to roll it down.

  “Is it okay if I roll down the window?” she yells, and I start laughing even harder. “Are you sure it’s okay for me to roll it down?”

  “Hey! Don’t be a smart-ass!” Tia whispers. “Are you crazy?”

  Jalena finally rolls down the window.

  “License, insurance, and registration,” the officer says flatly. Jalena hands him the paperwork with a smile. He looks over her information, then leans down and shines the light in my face. “What are you ladies doing tonight?” he asks. He shines the light in the backseat, and I start to feel nauseous.

  “Just girl stuff,” Jalena says, acting totally cool. “Riding around, you know.”

  “Humph,” he grunts and moves to the back windows. The officer from the other car joins him, and they circle the Jeep, shining their ten-thousand-watt flashlights all over the interior of the vehicle.

  Without saying a word, Jalena presses a button and rolls down all the windows so we can hear what the officers are saying.

  “Oh me,” she whispers. “We are so busted.” I follow her gaze and see Kevin Jacobs coming down the steps from his front porch.

  “Oh no,” I mumble.

  “What the hell is that?” I hear one of the officers exclaim.

  I turn around just enough to see the officers standing shoulder to shoulder. Both of them are shining their lights inside the back of Jalena’s Jeep.

  “Oh shit,” she says and starts giggling. “I bet they’re looking at that dildo.”

  “What’s going on out here?” Kevin Jacobs calls, walking toward the front of the Jeep. “Brady, is that you?”

  “Yeah,” one of the officers answers. “We got a call about a suspicious vehicle stalking the neighborhood.”

  “It sounds so bad when they say it,” Jalena whispers.

  “Yeah,” I say and take a drink of my Coke. My nerves are shot and my tummy is rumbling and the fact that I downed twenty hot wings and four beers isn’t helping my situation at all.

  Kevin is walking toward the police officers when he sees Jalena and stops. He leans over and looks at me, then looks back at her.

  “Hey, what are y’all doing?” he says like he just ran into us at the grocery store instead of catching us outside his house in a vehicle framed by patrol cars with two police officers standing back there shining their flashlights on a dildo.

  “Oh, you know, just getting pulled over,” Jalena says. “That’s about it, really.”

  He looks at me, so I add, “Yeah, pretty much a normal night for us.”

  He laughs and I hear the officers having a lively conversation but can’t make out exactly what they’re saying. Kevin walks back to where they are.

  “Hey, Munson!” I hear him say. “What’s up, man?”

  “Hey, Jacobs. How’s it going?” and they proceed to chat it up with one another while we sit in the Jeep like idiots.

  “I wish they would turn those damned lights off,” Jalena whispers.

  “No kidding,” I whisper back.

  Kevin walks up to the front of the Jeep and leans against the fender. “Munson, why are y’all giving these two pretty ladies a hard time?” he says, smiling at Jalena and then me.

  “Hell, somebody around here called ’em in for creeping, so we had to check ’em out,” Officer Munson says. The two police officers are now standing outside the driver’s-side window, facing Kevin. “So you know ’em?” He leans down to look at us and he’s grinning from ear to ear.

  “Yeah, I know ’em. That’s Jalena Flores—her daddy owns the marina out on Frog Bayou—and the other one is Mason McKenzie’s fiancée. You know, the lawyer? He lives right around the corner. Why don’t y’all j
ust let ’em go?”

  The other officer, Brady, leans down and looks at Jalena. “Tell me one more time what y’all are out doing tonight?”

  “Girl stuff,” Jalena says, but all the conviction is gone from her voice and her cheeks are flushed red.

  Officer Brady gives us a smug look, hands Jalena back her paperwork, and raps on the window seal with his big-ass fist.

  “Well, have a good night, ladies, and find somewhere else to do your girl stuff, if you don’t mind.”

  “Oh my God,” I say.

  “Don’t!” Jalena whispers as he turns around. “Just don’t say a word.” She pulls back, then forward. Kevin waves and yells good-bye and we pull out onto the road.

  “Tia?” I say. “The coast is clear. Are you okay?”

  She doesn’t say anything, but I can hear her crying.

  “Tia, sweetheart, it’s over!” Jalena says. “C’mon, now, you threw that dildo out to distract them and it worked.”

  Tia says nothing but keeps crying, and I decide the dildo rolling out into view might have been an accident. I reach back and pull the blanket off her. She gets up off the floorboard and her hair is soaking wet and stuck to her head and her cheeks are streaked with mascara.

  “Tia, it’s okay,” I tell her. “It’s over.”

  Tia takes a deep breath, wipes her nose on her shirt, and says, “I am forty-three years old! What the hell was I thinking trying to pull a stunt like that? What if we’d been arrested? How would I ever explain that to Afton? She would never have any respect for me again as long as she lived.”

  “Tia,” Jalena says. “We didn’t get arrested. Everything is fine. Listen, we won’t do anything like that ever again.”

  “You’re damn right I won’t,” she says and starts squalling again. “What would I have told my daughter?” she sobs. “I am so ashamed of myself!”

  Jalena pulls in at Credo’s Wild Wings and rolls to a stop next to Tia’s Tahoe.

  “I don’t ever want to talk about this again,” Tia says, in between sniffles. “I don’t ever want to talk about this, and I don’t ever want to talk about Kevin Jacobs. Not ever again.”

  “Okay, Tia,” Jalena says. “Done.”

  “No problem,” I tell her. “I already forgot about it.”

  “I am so humiliated!” she says.

  “Don’t be, Tia—” I begin, but she cuts me off by holding up a hand.

  “Please, don’t. I just want to go home.”

  “Well, be careful.” I get out and open the back door for her. She walks to her Tahoe and gets in without saying another word. I shake my head and look back at Jalena. “Well, that went well.”

  “You ain’t right, Ace Jones!” she says, laughing. “You ain’t right, girl!”

  I hop back in the Jeep and ask Jalena if she can drive me home.

  “Okay, seriously,” she says, pulling out of the parking lot. “We can’t ever talk about what happened tonight in front of her. She won’t ever think it’s funny. Ever.”

  “I won’t say a word,” I assure her.

  “She probably won’t ever mention Kevin again, either.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, she’s real touchy like that, so just don’t think anything of it if she don’t, okay? That’s just how she is.” She looks at me and I nod. “And she really won’t ever do anything like this again, which means we’ll have to pull off that charity ball stunt by ourselves.”

  “That’s okay,” I say. “I think we can handle it.”

  “That’s what I was thinking,” she says and then starts talking about the meeting that’s coming up on Monday night. “I’ll go in there and do some reconnaissance,” she says, laughing. “And we’ll reconvene next week.”

  “Okay, double-oh-crazy, that sounds like a plan,” I say as she pulls up in the driveway behind my car.

  “Hey! Is your man-honey working tomorrow?” she asks.

  “Of course,” I say.

  “Well, I’m going over to Foley to try to find something to wear next weekend. You wanna ride with me?”

  “Sure!” I say. “I’d love to. What time are you leaving?”

  “How about I pick you up around nine?”

  “Sounds great,” I say, getting out of her Jeep. “Drive safe, now. You don’t want to get pulled over.”

  33

  I get up early Saturday morning and take Buster Loo for a walk around the neighborhood, during which I notice that the dooky sign and bags have been removed. I speak to several neighbors who are out working in their yards, but no one mentions the sign, so I don’t either. After another big loop around the neighborhood, Buster Loo and I wind back around to our house. Mason is drinking coffee on the back porch when I walk in, so I toss Buster Loo a treat, wash my hands, then pour myself a cup and join him.

  “Correct me if I’m wrong,” he says when I sit down, “but when I turned in here last night, did I see a sign with a bunch of little dog-do bags nailed to it?”

  “Indeed you did,” I say and start laughing. I tell him that I stopped to inspect it and then discussed it with Roger, who had called someone on the board to complain.

  “Margo could be the stupidest person alive,” he says, and I agree.

  “The sign isn’t there anymore,” I tell him. “Buster Loo and I walked up that way earlier.”

  He shakes his head and asks me what my plans are for the day. I tell him that I’m going shopping with Jalena, and he tells me that’s great and then starts talking about that case they’re working on while I sip coffee and do my best to look interested. During a break in the discourse, I ask him if he’d like to get dressed and go have breakfast at Round House Pancakes. Lucky for me, he does, and forty-five minutes later, I’m still listening to him talk about work, but at least I’ve got a short stack to help me see the conversation through to the end.

  We exchange hugs in the parking lot, and he goes off to work and I head home, telling myself on the drive back that I have got to fix this communication issue with my future husband. Changing the subject doesn’t work; bragging about how handsome he is doesn’t work; asking nosy questions about Connor and Allison works for a minute, but not much longer. I sit at a red light and wonder if things will always be this way, if he’ll always talk incessantly about his job. I think about the women I know who are married to coaches and how they eat, sleep, and breathe athletics. Looks like I’ll be eating, sleeping, and breathing legal monologues until death do us part.

  “Oh my,” I say when I walk into the house. “What to do?” I go in the kitchen and load up the dishwasher with what is essentially two racks of cups and glasses and a few pieces of silverware. “It looks like I’m going to have to redefine normal,” I say out loud.

  Buster Loo comes in the kitchen and gives me a sweet little-dog look like he really understands what I’m saying. He disappears and returns a minute later with his squeaky ball. He drops it at my feet as if to say “Playing fetch will solve all of your problems.” I go outside and play with him until the doorbell rings, and I do have to admit that I feel better.

  “Come on in,” I tell Jalena after I open the door.

  “Good morning! Good morning!” she says, sliding her shades up on top of her head.

  Buster Loo is so happy to see her that he drags a cushion off the couch and starts humping it right in the middle of the living room floor.

  “Buster Loo!” I say, grabbing the pillow. “Stop that!”

  I step in the kitchen to get my purse, and when I come back out, he’s on the couch humping the same pillow and Jalena is bent over laughing.

  “Buster Loo is getting his freak on!” she says, still laughing.

  “He’s really showing off for you,” I say, collecting all of the pillows from the couch and tossing them into the study. I close the door behind me and say, “He only does that for the ladies he really wants to impress.”

  On the way to Foley, Jalena and I have a hearty chortle over the dildo incident and agree that we were probably
the hot topic of conversation at the police station last night. I ask her if she’s heard from Tia, and she hasn’t.

  “It’ll be a few days,” she says. “Poor thing. She’s so embarrassed.” Jalena looks at me. “I honestly don’t know what she expects from Kevin. He’s just a wild-ass man and he’s always been a wild-ass man and he’s always going to be a wild-ass man.” She looks at me. “What do you think about him?”

  “He’s a damn sexy wild-ass man,” I say.

  “He likes you,” she says, and my heart skips about sixteen beats.

  “What?” I say. “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t worry,” Jalena says. “I won’t say anything to anybody.”

  “How do you know he likes me?”

  “He told me.”

  “When?” I say, reaching down to flip the air on my side of the Jeep to high.

  “Yesterday when he came in the store to get some lunch.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask her, and my pulse is beating like a jungle drum.

  “When could I have told you?” she says. “Oh wait! I know! I guess I should’ve mentioned that while you were checking him out with your handy-dandy binoculars.”

  “Leave my binoculars out of this,” I say with a snigger. “You could’ve mentioned it on the way home.”

  “I forgot,” she says. “All that excitement got my brain off track.”

  “I have the worst crush on him, Jalena!” I say. “It’s terrible and I feel horrible about it because Tia is my friend and I would never, ever cheat on Mason.”

  “Yeah, he knows, and that’s why he made me swear not to say anything to you.” She puts her hand up to her mouth. “Oops.” She giggles.

  “What did he say?” I ask, feeling like I’m right back in the seventh grade.

  “Well, he kind of let it slip, and after he did, I badgered him until he came clean.”

  “And?”

  “Are you sure you want to know?” she asks. “It’s kind of crude.”

  “I’m a crude girl, if you haven’t noticed.”

  “Well, we were talking about when we all hung out at Credo’s together the other night and he was saying what a cool and funny girl you are, and then he said something about you being sexy as hell, and I was all over it after that.” She looks at me. “I sat down beside him and told him I wasn’t blind and could dang well see how y’all flirted with each other, but he didn’t want to talk about it. I kept on until he finally gave in and told me that since the very first time he saw you—” She looks at me. “He said you had paint in your hair or something?”