Happily Ever Madder : Misadventures of a Mad Fat Girl (9781101607107)

by Mcafee, Stephanie

  I forget about my problems on the drive to Memphis because I have such a good time hanging out with Lilly and Jalena. I exit off 240 onto Riverside, drive to Beale Street, and take a right. We park in a parking garage and the subject of lunch comes up and we end up at Rendezvous, where Jalena is most impressed with the ribs. After lunch, we walk through the lobby of the Peabody, past the Red Birds stadium, then over to Beale Street, where we poke around for an hour or so. We walk down to the river, where Jalena has to have her picture taken in front of the Memphis Queen, before we cross the Skybridge to Mud Island. While we’re wandering around there, Lilly mentions something about Tunica, and when Jalena finds out we’re only forty miles from there, we go back to the car and head that way. I call Chloe to check on Buster Loo, and she tells me they’re out walking at the park. She also volunteers to dog-sit for me tonight so I can stay out and have a good time. I laugh and tell her that I appreciate it.

  We visit a few different casinos, then end up at Harrah’s, where, after gambling for an hour, I suggest we have dinner at Paula Deen’s Buffett. Jalena has to have another picture taken, this time with the cardboard cutout of Paula Deen that stands just outside the restaurant. When we finish eating, we collectively decide to head back to Bugtussle because we’re all stuffed to the gills and exhausted. Ethan Allen calls me on the way home and asks why we aren’t at his bar, and I tell him we’ll be there as fast as we can but that’s not going to be soon. When we get back to Lilly’s house, it’s almost nine o’clock, and even though we’re all worn-out, we get ready and head over to Ethan Allen’s.

  When we get to the bar, I chill out on a barstool with a beer, while Lilly and Jalena grab their drinks and hit the dance floor. A little later, when the crowd dies down, Ethan Allen pulls up a stool next to me.

  “Does she have a boyfriend?” he asks.

  “Lilly?” I ask, teasing. “Yeah, she’s been dating that twenty-three-year-old cop for several months now.”

  “I see that you haven’t lost that stellar sense of humor,” he says.

  “No, she doesn’t, Ethan Allen. She’s dated a string of losers and she told me just a few weeks ago that she’s never found one she couldn’t forget.” I smile at him.

  “Really?” he says, watching her dance.

  “Really,” I say, slapping him on the back. “You can thank me anytime for bringing the Frog Giggin’ Queen of Escambia County to your front doorstep.”

  “I’ll thank you right now,” he says. He gets up, walks back behind the bar, and pours me another beer. “Thank you,” he says, and he places the mug on a beverage napkin.

  He walks over to the other bartender and has a little chat; then the guy looks at me and I smile and raise my beer. Ethan Allen walks out on the dance floor and two-steps his way up to Lilly and Jalena. A few minutes later, Lilly joins me at the bar.

  “Look at those two,” she says. “They’re having the best time ever.”

  The bartender comes over and asks Lilly what she would like to drink, and she orders a shot of tequila.

  “Oh no! Don’t do that!” I tell her. “I don’t wanna go to jail tonight.”

  “Girl, you’re back in Bugtussle, remember?” she says, downing the tequila. “Where your two best friends sleep with the local law enforcement on a regular basis.”

  “Oh yeah,” I say. “Well, in that case, go ahead and get crazy. Just promise me you won’t start any fistfights.”

  “Promise.”

  While Lilly and I get tore down at the bar, Jalena and Ethan Allen continue to break it down on the dance floor. At closing time, I tell Jalena that she’s going to have to drive us home, and Lilly and I sit in her car and jam out to an old Poison CD while Jalena wraps things up with Ethan Allen.

  “Did you get some sugar?” Lilly yells when Jalena finally gets in the car.

  “Uh, yes, I did,” she says, giggling. “And I have a date tomorrow night.”

  “Woo-hoo,” I say. “Let’s stop by the beer store before it closes and go home and celebrate.”

  “The beer stores closed thirty minutes ago, you moron!” Lilly shouts at me.

  “Great, then let’s go home and go to bed!” I say.

  Saturday we all sleep in, and I call and ask Chloe if she would mind bringing Buster Loo and all of his business back to Lilly’s house. She does, and the four of us have a lazy day in the comfort of Lilly’s living room. Saturday night, Jalena gets all dolled up for her date with Ethan Allen, and Lilly, Chloe, and I head over to Pier Six Pizza.

  “Oh my gosh,” I say when the pizza gets to the table. “They don’t have anything like this in Pelican Cove.”

  “Do you want to talk about that?” Lilly asks.

  “No, I want to enjoy this pizza,” I say. On the way home, we stop by the liquor store and pick up three bottles of wine. When we’re almost finished with the second one, Chloe pesters me about what’s going on until I finally give in and unload all of my problems. I even tell them about Kevin Jacobs, which Lilly reminds me she already knew about.

  Chloe starts crying and comes over and gives me a hug, and then we talk about what I’m going to do.

  “Well, you can’t leave him,” Chloe says.

  “Why not?” Lilly protests. “I love Mason like a brother, but if you’re not happy and it’s not what you want to do with your life, then move home. I understand that, remember? I had the time of my life the first few years I was on the modeling circuit, but then it got old and I got sick of it and I came home. There’s no shame in that.”

  “You can’t give up,” Chloe says. “You have to fight for it.”

  “Or you could realize that you’ve been fighting this same to-be-or-not-to-be battle with him for half your life and maybe the fact that it never seems to work out with you two is some sort of indication that you might need to throw in the towel once and for all.”

  “I think if you just gave it some time, Ace …” Chloe says.

  “I think you need to come home and get your old job back, because that hussy they hired to replace you is a bitch!” Lilly says.

  “Yeah, Hatter mentioned her,” I say. “He said she’s hot.”

  “She’s gorgeous,” Chloe says, “just not very nice at all.”

  “She is superhot,” Lilly says, refilling our glasses. “And she is a superbitch.” She looks at me. “She’s one of those women who only have male friends.”

  “Ah,” I say. “Who is she?”

  “You probably don’t know her,” Chloe says. “She’s fresh out of college, and I think she’s from somewhere down south of Jackson.”

  “Miss Becker.” Lilly smirks. “Miss Cameron Becker who loves pecker,” Lilly says emphatically, and even Chloe starts laughing hysterically.

  We finish the second bottle of wine and start on the third, and Lilly’s suggestions get more and more outrageously philosophical and Chloe’s get more and more depressing. I wake up at four o’clock in the morning and realize that we’ve all dozed off in the living room. I wake Lilly up and tell her to get in bed, but she refuses and Chloe never even stops snoring when I try to wake her, so I cover each of them up with some of Lilly’s hot pink throws and go upstairs. I look at my phone, and yet again, not a single call or text.

  47

  Sunday morning, Chloe is gone when I get up and Lilly is still asleep on the sofa. I dig around in Lilly’s cabinet for some aspirin, take a double dose, and drink a glass of water. I go sit on the love seat with my shades on until my head stops thumping. Then I go in the kitchen, dig the leash out of Buster Loo’s bag, and take him outside for a walk. The air is crisp and cool and it puts some much-needed pep in my step.

  “Football weather,” I say to Buster Loo as he prances along the sidewalk. “My favorite time of year.”

  On my way back to Lilly’s, I see Ethan Allen’s truck pull in the driveway. When I get closer, I notice he and Jalena are still in the cab, so I stop walking and hide in the bushes. She’s sitting right next to him and he has his arm around her, and
then he leans down and starts kissing her and I just stand there and stare like a pervert. Finally, I turn away and tell Buster Loo that his outing just got extended.

  I walk back down to the end of the street, and when I turn back around, Ethan Allen is leaving. I speed-walk back to Lilly’s, meeting an elderly couple on the way who stare at me with obvious apprehension. I think about speaking to them, but then I realize that I haven’t combed my hair and I’m not wearing a bra, so I decide it would only stress them out more if I did.

  When I get in the house, Jalena is in the shower and Lilly is still asleep on the couch.

  “Dammit!” I say, and Buster Loo starts barking like something is really the matter. That startles Lilly out of her slumber, and she jumps up in a five-alarm panic and tells me to get ready because we’re all supposed to be at Gloria Peacock’s house at two o’clock.

  “Calm down,” I tell her. “It’s not even noon yet.”

  “Oh thank goodness,” she says and sits back down. She puts her hands on her head. “Oh my word, why did we drink so much wine?”

  I go in the kitchen and fix her a glass of water and take her some aspirin, and we talk about how excited we are to be going to the Waverly Estate.

  “Well, I called Mrs. Peacock on Thursday and invited her and her pals over, but they couldn’t make it and she insisted we come for a visit today.”

  “That’s fantastic!” I say. “Will Birdie, Daisy, and Temple be there, too?”

  “I don’t think Daisy is in town, but she mentioned that Birdie and Temple come over most Sundays anyway.”

  “Hanging around with them makes me less worried about getting old,” I tell Lilly.

  “Tell me about it,” she says. “That bunch has got life all figured out.”

  “No doubt,” I say, getting up. I go upstairs and get in the shower, and when I come out of the bathroom in my robe, Jalena is sitting on my bed grinning from ear to ear.

  “Once upon a time, you asked me if I’d ever met a man I couldn’t forget,” she says with great flourish.

  “Yes,” I say, expectantly.

  “My good lady, the answer is no longer no.” Jalena smiles and I go pile into the bed with her.

  “Lilly!” I yell. “Get up here!” A minute later she and Buster Loo come bounding up the stairs.

  “Jalena! How’d it go?” Lilly asks in her singsong voice.

  “Y’all, it was the best date of my life,” she says. “Ethan Allen is a first-class old-school gentleman, and I really dig a man like that. I mean, now that I’ve actually found one.”

  “So you ended up at his house, I presume,” I say.

  “Well, you know, nothing was on at the movies worth seeing,” she says. “Just a bunch of weird stuff. I remember now why I don’t go to the movies much anymore. Anyway, we went by the ‘movie vending machine’ as he called it and didn’t really find anything there, either. He said he had a bunch of movies at home, so we went back to his place and watched all three of those Jason Bourne movies. I’d never seen any of them. They were great.”

  “They are great,” I agree.

  “I didn’t love them,” Lilly says.

  “Anyway,” I say and roll my hand like tell me more.

  “What? Y’all want to know what happened after that?”

  “Uh, yeah,” Lilly says.

  “We made out like teenagers, and it was great, and then I didn’t get home until this morning, so I guess y’all can figure out the rest.”

  “I love it,” I say.

  “Rock on, Jalena,” Lilly says. “High five.” She looks at the clock on the nightstand. “Okay, we need to leave in about forty-five minutes.”

  “Where are we going?” Jalena asks.

  “We are going to the Waverly Estate, home of Gloria Peacock,” I tell her. “She’s one of the little old ladies that I had hoped could come down to the charity ball.”

  She nods, and then Lilly rolls off a list of everyone who’ll be in attendance, and Jalena’s eyes light up when Lilly says, “And Mr. Ethan Allen Harwood will be there as well.”

  “Nice,” she says. “I better go start getting foxy.”

  Sunday afternoon, we pull up at the Waverly Estate, and from the time we drive through the majestic iron gates until we hop out of the royal blue chauffeured golf cart next to the clover pool, Jalena is dazed by the grandeur of the place.

  “I’m sorry to gawk, y’all,” she says quietly, “but I’ve never seen anything like this. I mean, I just saw a pair of reallive peacocks.”

  “We were like this the first time we came here,” I tell her. “Lilly acted like a real dope. It was embarrassing.”

  “Shut up, Ace!” Lilly says, and Jalena and I crack up.

  We are shown to the Pottery Barn deluxe sunroom, where Chloe and J.J. are chatting with Ethan Allen and Birdie Ross. Gloria Peacock and Temple Williams are seated in a pair of rockers close by. I introduce Jalena, who gets a round of hugs from the older ladies, a hug from Chloe, a handshake from the sheriff, and a hug from Ethan Allen. When she takes a seat on the wicker sofa, he works his way over and sits next to her, which tickles me almost as much as it does Jalena. Sheriff Jackson tells Lilly that Dax should be arriving any minute.

  When Dax gets there fifteen minutes later, we are shown to the large round table under the thatched-roof patio, where we are served a delightful array of appetizers and finger sandwiches. Then we move out to the lake, where a dessert table is set up on yet another shaded patio, along with a wet bar.

  Lilly starts telling Gloria Peacock all of my love-life problems, and I have basically the same conversation with the older ladies that I did with Chloe and Lilly the night before, only nobody’s speech is slurred today. Birdie agrees with Lilly, Temple agrees with Chloe, and Gloria says I have to go where my heart takes me. Ethan Allen, J.J., and Dax work their way away from that conversation rather quickly and relocate to the dock.

  “I think her heart might have a faulty navigational device,” Lilly says, cracking everyone up. “It can’t figure out where she needs to be.”

  “Yes, it can,” Gloria says, smiling at me. “And it will.”

  *

  Before we leave the Waverly Estate, I promise Gloria that I will take Jalena to Seaside to meet Daisy McClellan. When we all get back to our cars, Lilly and Dax say good-bye because he has to go back to work, and I tell him good-bye, too. Chloe and J.J. wish us a safe trip home, and Ethan Allen invites Jalena to ride back to town with him. She happily accepts.

  48

  Lilly and I make bets about whether Ethan Allen and Jalena will make a detour by his house for a quickie. I say they will and she says they won’t because Ethan Allen is too modest.

  “I don’t think he has sex in the daylight,” Lilly says, and I look at her like she’s crazy.

  I tell Lilly that I want to get a Pier Six pizza to-go so I can eat it for supper on the way home, and she laughs and tells me I must really be deprived of pizza down in Pelican Cove. I tell her about all the weird stuff Avery has picked up for me to eat, and she laughs until she cries about that.

  “She’s the one with the heels, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “I cannot wait to meet her.”

  “She’s really something,” I say.

  I call in the pizza and get a text from Jalena while I’m still on the phone, and she wants to know what time we have to leave. When I hang up with Pier Six, I show Lilly the text and tell her that I should’ve bet her a hundred dollars on that.

  “I wasn’t a hundred dollars’ worth of sure,” she says. “I was only about two dollars sure.”

  “Right,” I say. I text Jalena back and tell her that if we leave by six, we can be there by midnight. She sends back a very informative, “Okay.”

  “Man, it’s terrible they live so far apart,” Lilly says. “Poor Ethan Allen. He just has the worst luck.”

  “Maybe he’ll ask her to marry him today and then we can both move up here.”

  “Is that what you’
ve got on your mind?” Lilly asks.

  “Kind of. But I’m going back down there to give it my best shot first.” I look at her. “He expects me to apologize to him and to that stupid Lenore Kennashaw, and I’m not doing it. I’m not sorry and I won’t say I am.”

  “Y’all are both so damn stubborn,” she says.

  “He also told me that he didn’t care if I ever made a dime in the gallery, that I could just live off him.”

  “Most women would love a proposition like that.”

  “I don’t give a shit about most women.”

  “Exactly,” Lilly says. “And that’s why he loves you. I’m starting to believe that old saying about whatever attracts you most to a person will be what drives you away from them in the end.”

  “That’s depressing.”

  “I know, because that means Dax’s penis is going to be what drives me away from him in the end.”

  I start laughing and tell her I don’t see that happening.

  “Me, either,” she says with a devilish smile.

  I pull into the parking lot of Pier Six Pizza and think for a moment about what a wuss I am because all I want to do is move back home. I get out of the car, go in and get my pizza, and then drive back to Lilly’s house. I stick the pizza in the fridge and then start putting my bags in the car. Jalena is all packed up and ready, so I load her stuff up, too.

  I sit in Lilly’s living room with Buster Loo in my lap while she fills me in on all the local gossip. At five o’clock, we hear a truck pull up and walk out on the porch to see Jalena and Ethan Allen, and they don’t look happy.

  “Hey, guys,” I say cautiously. I glance at Lilly, wondering what might have happened, but then they both start talking to us like everything is normal and I stop worrying. I remember the pizza, so I run inside and get it out of the fridge.

  “I guess we need to get on the road,” I say finally, not excited at all about the drive back to Pelican Cove. Jalena and Ethan Allen exchange a look; then she hugs Lilly and tells her again what a great weekend she had. I hug Lilly and Ethan Allen; then Lilly goes inside and I go get in the car and crank it up so the lovebirds can enjoy their last few minutes together somewhat privately. A few seconds later, Ethan Allen opens the door for Jalena, leans down and tells Buster Loo good-bye, then tells me to drive safely before closing the door.