Tye swallowed her immediate retort, remembering all the times her father had not been there when she and Ben were growing up. She had thought she'd put that bitterness behind her, but now it wanted to swell and close up her throat.
"We’re adults, Daddy, not kids any longer. We both know our own minds."
"I have a right to know if you're happy or not," her father continued. "You and Jake looked a might cozy from where I was standing. So are you picking up where you left off way back when?"
Tye looked up at the sky, counted to five and then said patiently, "If I am, Daddy, it’s really not your concern." Tye didn’t want to argue with her father, but she wasn’t willing to discuss her relationship with Jake either. She tried to soften her tone. "So what happened that you decided to take a few days off rodeoing?"
Lanny stared hard at her. "I care about you Tye, and I’m worried. I was there, remember, I know the state you were in when you and he split up."
Tye deliberately lowered her voice. "I was the one who walked away, Daddy. It was none of Jake’s fault. It was a long time ago. Now, what brings you to town?"
Her father turned and sat on the edge of one of the deck chairs. "My leg's been aching me something fierce."
"Your leg?" Tye moved over to him and touched his shoulder. "Have you seen the doctor?"
"It’ll ease up on its own."
Tye found his reply too evasive. "It’s been bothering you for years and I don’t remember you ever taking time off."
Her father shifted on the chair. "I'm thinking of quitting."
"Quitting?" Tye repeated. She couldn’t have heard him correctly. "Quitting for the year?"
He didn't say anything. He just stared at her, his eyes as dark brown as the Stetson he carried in his hand.
Tye frowned. "Not...not quitting for good?"
He nodded, twirling his hat in his hands. "Yeah. I'm getting too damned old to be running around the country." He gave a short bark of a laugh and his brows rose. "I bet you never thought to hear your old man say that, huh?"
Tye sank down to a seat beside him, her thoughts clouded with bewilderment. "No, I can't say I'd ever thought to hear that. Rodeo's always been your life. For as long as I can remember, you've followed the rodeo." She knew it was more than his life, it had consumed him, leaving room for nothing else, not even his family.
"I'm fifty-five years old, Tye. I've had more broken bones than I can count, and I guess what I'm saying is I've had enough. These last few months, especially since you got hurt, I've done some real hard thinking. Your Mama and I even did some serious talking. I been feeling real guilty for years over the way I've raised you and Ben. I know your Mama did most of the raising, but I've got this idea I put foolish thoughts into your head." He let out a deep sigh, increasing Tye's bewilderment. She felt like she was in unfamiliar territory. Her father wasn’t acting like he was supposed to. He’d always been a rough-and-ready cowboy. You don’t cry over spilt milk, don’t complain about what’s already done.
"What are you saying, Daddy?"
"You're just like me, Tye. All you want is the next buckle, the next trophy. You should have a family and kids around you before it's too late."
"I didn't want that." At least, she amended silently, not after she and Jake had parted.
"Maybe you would have, if I hadn't put other thoughts in your head. I'm taking full blame. Darn it, girl, I don't want you to turn out like your old man."
"I make my own decisions, Daddy. There's no blame to be laid anywhere."
"You're headstrong," he said as if she hadn't spoken, giving her a somewhat sad smile. "I have to tell you now, Tye, because I know I've never said it before, but you've always made me proud. No matter what you've decided to do with your life, I've always been proud of you."
Tye turned away, confused by the way her father was talking. It didn't sound like him, but here he was as bold as day, saying words she had never thought to hear from this man. As far back as Tye could recall they had never spoken of what was inside their hearts, never touched on the deep down feelings. Tye suddenly felt his vulnerability, and her own emotions seemed to be just as naked.
"Daddy, I thought I disappointed you all these years," she admitted in a low voice. "I couldn't make the grade, no matter how close I got I never reached the finals."
"You could never disappoint me. You're my wild child."
"There you go calling me that!" She said in exasperation, throwing her head up. "I've always known how much you wanted me to succeed at rodeo, you didn't have to say the words. The finals would have been the culmination of those dreams."
"I only wanted that because it's all you ever talked about from the time you were little. You had the guts and determination to ride anything."
Because that's what you put in my head when I was a kid. Children were impressionable, and maybe Daddy was right about it being partly his fault, but she was an adult now with a mind of her own. Tye stared at him, her mind trying to grapple with what he was saying.
"Tye, I'm no good at words, you know that. I’ve always lived by the seat of my pants. I'm apologizing now for all the mistakes I've made. I know I haven't done a good job as a parent for you and Ben." He dropped his chin and shook his head. "I haven't seen Ben since that time in the hospital when you got hurt. I still remember the anger on his face. I knew then he blamed me for what happened to you." He twisted his hat in his work-worn hands.
"He had no right to do that!" Tye exclaimed.
"I’m thinking maybe he did, but it’s something I have to work out with your brother. I'm going to try, if he’ll listen."
Tye let out a deep whoosh of air, feeling as if a weight had been lightened from her shoulders. It was suddenly glaringly obvious to her that all these years she had been trying to make him proud, and felt like she had never succeeded. Why had it taken her this long to realize she had to live for herself, not for someone else's dreams? She had thought she was doing it for herself...
"I'll be happy for you, Tye, no matter what. If you decide to make a go of it with Jake, fill this house with babies, I’ll be happy."
Tye felt overcome with emotion, a constriction gripping her insides. She leaned close and hugged her daddy, because he was her daddy and she loved him dearly and he loved her.
Lanny awkwardly patted her shoulder and cleared his throat. "Yeah...well, that's what I wanted to tell you and I've said my piece so now I'll be heading out."
Tye stood with her father. She stepped back and took a good look at his handsome, familiar face. Despite what had been said, she still had an unsatisfied feeling that something wasn’t right. Wetting her lips, she said, "Now, Daddy, tell me the real reason you're giving up rodeo."
Lanny hit his hat against his pant leg. "I'm getting tired, Tye, we just went over all that ―"
"The real reason," she repeated, fear reaching out to curl around her. That feeling of something being amiss had intensified.
Her daddy's face went still and Tye watched his fingers clench his hat brim until it twisted. She waited, a deep, deep anxiety taking hold of her insides.
A rueful grin curved Daddy's mouth, yet she noticed the vague relief in his eyes. "I've got cancer," he said. "They're giving me six months."
#
As Jake left the barn he saw the tail lights of Lanny Jenkins's banged up, rusted pickup truck heading down his driveway. It was almost dusk. The brake lights blinked a few times, then the truck turned onto the main road and disappeared into the night.
Jake strode quickly to the house. He and Lanny had talked before Tye arrived home. Surprisingly, Lanny had told him he was leaving rodeo and he wanted to know if it was true that his daughter was practically living with Jake. Jake didn't know where Lanny had come by his information, but he seemed to have a pretty good idea of what Tye had been up to since moving to the ranch.
Jake had kept his replies guarded, until Lanny had confessed he needed to go to his grave knowing his only daughter was happy. It was then Lanny to
ld him he had been diagnosed with cancer.
Jake entered the house, switching the lights on as he went. When he flipped the kitchen switch he saw Tye. She sat on the couch, her feet on the floor, elbows on her knees, with her head in her hands. The sight wrenched at Jake.
He moved toward her, wanting to hold her and take care of her. He stopped a good two feet from the couch. The years they’d been apart had made her into a strong, independent woman, but it was also that independence that rose up now, making him feel as if a chasm separated them.
"Tye ― are you okay?"
She speared her fingers through her hair and lifted her head to stare at him. "You know?" she asked dully. Her voice sounded thick, as if she had been crying. Jake hadn’t seen her cry in ten years, certainly not since the accident. Seeing her puffy eyes now made it all the worse. She cried for her father but he had never seen her cry for herself.
He swallowed hard and nodded. "He was worried about you, Tye, he wanted to see for himself that you were okay."
"He wanted to know if I was okay?" she asked incredulously, chokingly.
Damning the consequences, Jake dropped beside her and pulled her close with one arm around her shoulders. Whether she admitted it or not in this moment right now she needed him. He felt the shake of her body, the quiver of her breath as it labored from her lungs. She tried to hold back the emotion, he sensed that, and he wished she could let it go. Tye held too much inside herself. She curled into him, twisting around until she burrowed into his chest. Jake put both arms around her, trying to give her the comfort she sought.
"It's okay if you want to cry," he said gruffly.
"I don't cry," she muttered against his throat. "I just need you to hold me. I still can't believe it. After all these years, Daddy's giving up rodeo. Why now?" she demanded angrily. She raised her head, her cheeks tear-stained and red. "Why did he wait so long? He's going to die and he finally decides enough is enough."
"Maybe he realized all he's missed. He told me what he regretted the most was that he wasn't close to you and Ben."
Tye tipped her head back, a grimace of pain flashing across her face. "That's an understatement. I don't think I could ever claim to feel close to Daddy except when we were rodeoing. That seemed to be the only connection I had with him. Poor Ben didn't even have that. Maybe that's why I'm such a rodeo diehard." Tye shook her head, and Jake rubbed a palm over her shoulder blades, feeling the delicate bones beneath the skin.
"Your father loves you, Tye, and he loves Ben, too."
"Do you think I don't know?" she demanded fiercely. "He loved us, when he was around. As I got older I got mad for Mama's sake. It was confusing. I loved Daddy, but Mama's the one on that ranch day after day, breeding those bulls for rodeo, trying to make ends meet. She did a man’s job, put in a man’s hours, and she tended to us, a couple wild hellions. Daddy wasn't around. He hurt her bad, he hurt all of us. And you know what, Jake...I feel guilty about the anger inside me. I've carried it around for so long, half the time I didn't know it was there. Even after all this I couldn't hurt him by letting him see it. I wanted to tell him how mad I was at him, for what he took away from us, but I couldn’t."
"People make choices that hurt others, Tye. Maybe that realization has finally come to your father. I think you’re right not to hurt him now."
"Now he's trying to make up for the past and it's too late."
"It's never too late."
"He doesn't want me to tell Mama," she whispered brokenly. "How am I not going to tell Mama?" She looked up, the sheen of tears evident in her eyes. "He didn't tell Ben, he hasn't told Mama. Why me?"
"Would you rather he kept it a secret?" he asked her, gently pushing the hair away from her tear-studded eyes.
Immediately, Tye shook her head. "No, I wouldn't want that either." She let out a ragged sigh.
Jake wanted to take her pain and carry it himself.
"I don't know what I want. Part of me wishes I didn't know, the other part feels guilty about the old anger I've kept inside. I feel so mean and terrible now, knowing he's going to die."
"Your father knows you love him. All you can do now is support him and let him see your love."
"You're right, Jake." Her arms held onto him tightly. "I-I need to go lie down, I have to think."
"Lay down in my room," he told her. "Come on."
Jake walked with her to the bedroom, and once there she lay down on his queen size bed. He pulled a quilt up over her, pushing back the light fall of hair, seeing her eyes staring at nothing, a certain hopelessness in her face. His gut tightened. Talking to Lanny today brought back the memories of his own father's last few months. He remembered how helpless he had felt, knowing the inevitable outcome. He had wanted to do something to slow the time, but in the end, time had run out. He understood her feelings of helplessness now.
"I'll let you rest, then I'll go pick something up for dinner," he said, taking a step away from the bed.
Tye reached out her hand. Jake stared at it, aware of the importance of the gesture, the measure of trust it represented. He let his fingers close around hers. He could feel the slight tremble in her fingers.
"You’ve always been so good to me, Jake. Sometimes I don’t think I deserve your consideration. All those years ago... I can only imagine what you must have gone through with your Dad. Your mother and sisters depended on you entirely. Who did you have to lean on?"
Jake stared at Tye in surprise. "My family was around Tye."
Tye shook her head at him. "No, Jake. You’re the one who’s always been around for everyone else. They all expected it of you, and you didn’t fail any of them. Everyone has always leaned on your strength."
"Move over."
Tye moved over on the bed and Jake sat down beside her.
"I’ve got pretty wide shoulders, Tye. I handled it."
Tye looked away from him. "I’ve been thinking about it a lot, that night ten years ago. I get a sick feeling when I think back to that time."
"It’s over with. Let’s leave it in the past where it belongs." Jake felt now wasn’t the time to talk about the past. He moved to get up, but Tye gripped his hand.
"Please stay," she whispered. "Please hold me. Can you just hold me, Jake?"
Without a word Jake pulled off his boots and slid onto the bed beside her. Tye turned her back and fitted herself to him. Gradually, her body began to relax.
"How did your doctor appointment go?" he asked.
"Fine," she murmured. "I’m fine."
"Do you want to tell me your news?" Jake asked her, hoping to turn her thinking to other channels. She had been so full of excitement when she had arrived home. As the days went by Jake had gotten to see more and more of the exuberant, full-of-life Tye, a vast difference from the night she had first arrived at his ranch. So very different, so very much like the younger Tye he remembered.
"My news?" her voice sounded vague, then she stirred and turned toward him. Jake dropped his arms to her waist and let one hand cradle her hip. "I went to a riding clinic today." She took a deep, shaky breath. "It's for disabled kids...a great program, but the funding for it has virtually disappeared. Samantha ― that's the woman who runs it ― said she could use any extra help. I'm going to give lessons two days a week and see how it goes."
"I think that's great, Tye. That must be Sam Evans?"
"Yes, she said she knew you. I was really excited about it, but now after talking to my father..." she shrugged her shoulders. "It kind of kills the moment."
Jake understood her mixed emotions. Her earlier excitement had been weighed down by the news of her father's condition. Jake wished there was something he could do to ease her mind.
"Why don't you tell me more about this riding program," he suggested. "When are you going to start?"
Tye pulled herself upright and leaned against the headboard. She pushed the hair away from her face and drew a deep breath. "I was planning on driving over tomorrow morning but I wonder if I should go to town
and spend time with my Dad."
Jake could see the confusion and worry in her eyes, feel the renewed tension in her body beside him. Carefully, he suggested, "Your father told me he was going to see Ben early tomorrow. You could still go to the riding clinic, then make arrangements to see your father later in the day." Jake had a feeling Tye needed this riding program. She had come a long way since arriving at his ranch, he didn't want her tossing this opportunity aside if it would help her; if she found out it was something she wanted.
"You're right, you know." Tye's gaze met his. "It's just that I feel so heavy-hearted inside. I want to go out and ride some bulls right now just to make Daddy happy before it's too late."
Jake locked his jaw tight. Bull riding. Why would she think about bull riding at a time like this? He couldn’t imagine her getting on another bull.
"How can you think of riding the bulls again?" Jake said fiercely. "How can you forget what happened?" She couldn’t go back to bull riding. He wouldn’t allow it.
Jake brought himself up short. Grimly, he reminded himself he didn’t have a say in the matter. Tye could do anything she pleased; and she would.
Tye looked at him briefly. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and admitted slowly, "I’ll never forget what happened, but I’m not going to live my life in fear. It all comes down to what I’ve made of my life, Jake. Quite simply, I've failed. All these years when I’d get close to winning big time, something always happened to screw it up. Maybe I did it subconsciously."
Jake’s insides twisted up tighter. He dropped his arm around her shoulders. "You've never failed, Tye," he said quickly. "You’ve got the buckles to prove it. You've had a grand and memorable career, and I know you're destined to go on and continue to make your mark in the world. Remember, you're the one who told me you never give up. It's when you don't try new experiences that you've failed. Whether you want to hear it or not there are other things beside rodeo."
Tye suddenly smiled at him. Sliding down on the bed she threw her arms around his shoulders, pulling him down to her. Jake put both arms around her and buried his face in her neck, loving the fragrance that was Tye. She never ceased to surprise him with her lightning changes of mood.
Wishing on a Rodeo Moon (Women of Character) Page 18