Snake Surprise!

by J. E. Fison

7. James Forsyth - Snugglebottom is missing.

  8. James Forsyth-Snugglebottom does not keep cakes in his cake tin.

  The things I would like to know are (in no particular order):

  1. Where does James Forsyth-Snugglebottom keep his cakes?

  2. Where is James Forsyth-Snugglebottom?

  3. Did his snake eat a million dollars?

  There are a few other things hanging in my mind, but they are thrown straight out of my ear as a result of Lachlan's bad driving.

  CRUNCH.

  The houseboat grinds over the submerged riverbank and collides with a tree on Breakneck Island. Mimi is thrown off the roof and into the bush.

  So that's how you stop a boat with half a steering wheel. You just crash it.

  ‘Okay. Let's look for James Forsyth-Snugglebottom,’ Lachlan says as though everything is completely normal.

  But we are just about to find out that things are not very normal at all.

  ‘I think I'll call this Lachlan Cove,’ Lachlan says, climbing off the houseboat and naming the bay where he crashed the boat.

  He can have it.

  Lachlan Cove was probably quite nice once – perhaps a sandy little beach, with a few shady trees. But today the water is brown. Grubby foam washes among the trees. An old esky lid floats along in the foam. Sticks, logs, leaves and all kinds of rubbish litter the river.

  ‘Stop!’ Ben shouts. ‘There's something good over there.’

  An enormous yellow thong floats in the stream of debris, heading for nowhere.

  ‘It's only really good if you're a one-legged giant who likes yellow,’ I point out.

  Ben's not listening, he's spotted something even better than an oversized thong. My brother the Stink Collector can't believe his luck.

  ‘It's a screwdriver!’ Ben screams. ‘This is the best place ever. Can I come here every day?’

  Ben runs along the waterfront scouring the ground for treasure.

  ‘Half a bottle of Coke!’ he shouts. He holds up a plastic bottle. ‘A packet of chips … and here's a bag of …’

  Ben bends down to pick up the plastic bag. He changes his mind when he realises that he's holding onto an old bag of bait. A dead worm hangs out of the opening.

  The Stink Collector has to draw the line somewhere. It's just above bags of smelly bait.

  ‘Ben, that's disgusting,’ Lachlan says. ‘It's filthy. Leave it alone.’

  ‘Shhh,’ Mimi says.

  ‘What? You want to keep that three-thousand-year-old bait? You're planning to catch something with that?’ Lachlan says.

  ‘No. Be quiet. I can hear something,’ Mimi says. ‘It's coming from over there.’

  We all look in the direction that Mimi is pointing. Even Ben stops his hunt for rubbish while we listen. From up ahead comes a strange barking sound. We walk towards it. The sound grows louder … and louder … and louder.

  A cacophony of barking and growling, like a bear fighting with a pack of dogs, is coming from a shed. Water is lapping at the door. It will get a lot higher in the next couple of hours. The tide is still coming in. The floodwater is rising.

  ‘There's something trapped in that shed,’ Mimi says. ‘We'd better have a look.’

  ‘I'm not going to rescue a grizzly bear,’ I say. ‘The second we free it, it's going to eat us.’

  ‘Grizzly bears don't live on islands in the middle of Hazard River,’ Mimi says.

  ‘Well, what's making all that noise?’ I ask.

  ‘Let's find out,’ Mimi replies. ‘Before whatever is barking ends up like that bloated cow we passed in the river.’

  Reluctantly we follow Mimi into the floodwater. The barking and growling gets louder as we get closer. I assess which tree will be best to climb if a grizzly bear emerges from the shed.

  ‘I think there are lions in there,’ Ben says, walking a bit closer to my legs than he needs to. I trip into the muddy water – face first.

  I hardly have time to get to my feet again when an earth-shaking growl comes from inside the shed.

  GGGRRR. GGGRRR.

  I make for the nearest tree and grab a branch. I heave myself off the ground. Ben is not far behind. I notice Lachlan is also taking refuge in the fork of a nearby gum tree. It is only Mimi who remains on the ground. She peeks through a gap in the walls of the shed.

  She turns and waves us down from the trees.

  ‘It's okay,’ she says. ‘It's nothing to be frightened of.’

  ‘Who's frightened?’ Lachlan says, jumping down from the tree. ‘I just thought I might be able to see more from up there.’

  It's a nice try. But we all know he's lying. I've never seen anyone get up a tree that quickly before.

  I make my way to Mimi's peeking hole. I look inside. The shed is dark except for a few shafts of light, creeping in between chinks in the walls. In the dim light I can just see what's making all the noise.

  It's not grizzly bears. There are no lions. There is a shed full of injured koalas, all locked in cages – barking and howling like they're about to be killed.

  If we don't act quickly, they will be killed. They're all going to drown.

  Mimi has already found the front door to the shed. It's locked. The shed looks pretty old, but the lock is brand new. There's no way we can break it.

  I grab a branch from a tree. I beat the side of the shed. Lachlan joins in, smashing another branch against the metal. Inside the barking grows louder. The koalas get more agitated. But we're no closer to reaching them. The shed might be old, but it is as solid as a rock.

  ‘We need something thin and strong. We need to prise two of these panels apart,’ Lachlan says, looking around. ‘Grab me a thin stick.’

  I hand him a stick. He forces it through a gap in the panels. The stick snaps.

  ‘We need something stronger,’ he says. ‘But not too thick.’

  ‘Something like this,’ Ben says. He holds up his new screwdriver. ‘You can have some Coke as well if you like.’

  Ben offers the screwdriver and the half-empty bottle of Coke to Lachlan. He takes the screwdriver, but turns down the Coke.

  ‘I'll have some,’ I say, grabbing the bottle. I unscrew the lid and take a swig.

  Yuk. Coke and Hazard River water do not go well together.

  ‘I think I've got it,’ Lachlan calls. He forces the panels of the shed apart.

  Mimi uses a branch to lever the panels further apart. Soon we have just enough space to climb through the gap.

  ‘It's some kind of koala hospital,’ Mimi says, leading us into the shed.

  We are so busy wondering how to help the injured koalas, that it's some time before I notice a person tied to a chair. A man with a gag in his mouth and a pair of old white undies hanging down to his knees is wedged in a dark corner.

  ‘It's Boat Driver James Forsyth-Snugglebottom!’

  I splash through the floodwater to untie the boat driver. The ties around his feet and arms come away easily. But the gag in his mouth is stuck firm.

  Lachlan pulls at the gag. The boat driver's face goes red. His eyes are crossed. I think he's just about to pass out, when the gag pops from his mouth.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom takes a great gulp of air. He opens his mouth to speak, but just a croak comes out. He tries again. There's just a little cough.

  We urge him to tell us what is going on.

  ‘Who kidnapped you?’ Mimi asks. ‘Why did they do this?’

  ‘Where are they?’ Lachlan wants to know.

  ‘Do you have a million dollars?’ Ben asks.

  ‘Why don't you put cakes in your cake tin?’ I say.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom replies with another croak.

  If he's lost his voice our questions will just join the great mysteries of the universe, like why is pineapple called pineapple when it has nothing to do with apples. And why hamburgers are called hamburgers when they contain no ham at all.

  ‘Has anyone got a mint?’ comes a squeaky voice from the direction of James Fors
yth-Snugglebottom's mouth.

  He speaks!

  ‘That gag tastes like the bottom of a birdcage.’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Lachlan asks impatiently. ‘Who locked you in the shed?’

  ‘I don't have mints, but I've got a packet of chips,’ Ben says. He pulls a half-eaten packet from his pocket. He shakes a few soggy morsels into James Forsyth-Snugglebottom's open hand. They fall into the water on the floor.

  ‘No matter,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. ‘I think I might wait until dinner time after all. Barbecue chips – they give me indigestion anyway.’

  Lachlan knocks the packet of chips out of Ben's hand.

  ‘Listen, we'd love to hear about your favourite food, but right now the shed is flooding. We need to get you and the animals out of here,’ Lachlan says.

  ‘You're right,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. ‘First the koalas and then I'll tell you everything.’

  We follow James Forsyth-Snugglebottom through the hole in the shed wall. An injured koala is clinging to his chest. One of its legs is in a splint. It was broken when the koala was hit by a car. James Forsyth-Snugglebottom walks through the floodwater and chooses a tree that is well out of the path of the rising river. He eases the koala into a low branch. It hobbles into a fork of the tree and closes its eyes. It's ready for a nap.

  ‘Can I help?’ Mimi asks, when we return to the shed.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom is reluctant to hand over his precious cargo. The koalas are used to him. They're not used to strangers. But these animals look like they need a cuddle – a gentle one. One with a torn ear has been savaged by a dog. A little one has lost its parents. James Forsyth-Snugglebottom is caring for all of them until they are well enough to go back into the bush on Breakneck Island. Each one has an injury and a story to go with it.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom also has a story.

  ‘My brother arrived at my houseboat this morning with one of his big ugly mates,’ he begins. ‘He brought a plan for developing a resort on the island. There'll be a marina where we're standing. The rest of the island will be luxury apartments, swimming pools, concrete and more concrete.’

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom takes another injured koala from a cage.

  ‘My father left the island to me when he died two years ago,’ he says. ‘But my brother – Money Mad Iggy – as I call him, claims the island is his. He told me if I like the koalas so much, I can live with them in the shed, until I give him the island.’

  ‘How can you give someone an island?’ I ask.

  A koala with burned fur clings to James Forsyth-Snugglebottom's shoulders.

  ‘There's a special letter, somewhere on the houseboat,’ he continues. ‘It's part of my father's will. When he died, the island was handed down to me. Money Mad Iggy knows that the island belongs to me. But he thinks if he can get his hands on that letter and destroy the evidence, he can claim the island is his. No one will know any differently.’

  ‘And he'll rip down the trees … destroy the koalas’ habitat and build a resort?’ Mimi says.

  ‘Money Mad Iggy would definitely do that. He turned the houseboat upside down looking for the letter. But it seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says, putting the koala into a tree.

  We watch as a little furry bottom disappears into the branches. This one is well enough to climb.

  ‘Wow, he sounds like a really mean brother,’ Ben says.

  ‘He's always been a bully,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. ‘He used to pull the wings off flies and put them in my jam sandwiches. Just for fun. He'd steal my marbles and flush them down the toilet. He'd take my football cards. He'd take money from my room. He'd take anything … until I got a pet snake. I never saw him in my room again. He's terrified of snakes.’

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom takes another koala from a cage and heads for the trees.

  ‘I think my pet carpet snake ruined Money Mad Iggy's search this morning. Nearly scared the life out of him,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. ‘The snake's actually very friendly – very fond of people.’

  ‘So how did you end up here?’ Lachlan asks.

  ‘Money Mad Iggy and his mate dragged me off the boat, sent the houseboat down the river and tied me up in the shed,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom replies. ‘They said they'd leave me here with only cabbage soup until I tell them where to find the letter. I guess you found the note I left? I knew someone would find it.’

  ‘Well, we did find the note,’ I begin.

  ‘Jack lost it in the wind before we had a chance to read what it said,’ Lachlan interrupts. ‘But we found something even better than the note. We found the … ownership thingo for the island.’

  Lachlan pulls the letter out of his pocket. It's a bit damp. It's very creased but it's still in one piece.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom takes the letter like he's handling his mother's most precious crystal vase.

  He reads it out loud, mumbling his way through therefores and henceforths. Tears form in his eyes. And then he starts really sobbing. His whole body is shaking.

  In between the sobs there's a barp-barp noise. A noxious cloud of old cabbage odour replaces the fragrance of eucalyptus.

  Phew, that one was a ripper. Another few hours on that cabbage soup diet and he probably would have passed out from his own smell. He was lucky we saved him in time.

  ‘I thought I'd lost this,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. He lets another wicked cabbage soup ripper loose on the outside world. ‘I've been looking for this for months.’

  ‘It was in the cake tin, right under the snake,’ I explain.

  ‘Oh, Josephine is always hiding things from me,’ James Forsyth-Snugglebottom says. ‘That snake is good company, but really has some terrible habits.’

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom carefully folds the letter.

  ‘This proves that I own Breakneck Island. There's no way Money Mad Iggy can build a resort,’ he says, looking for somewhere safe to tuck the letter.

  There aren't many options when you're just wearing a pair of undies.

  He looks at me.

  ‘That looks like a safe pocket,’ he says, pointing to a button-up pocket in my shorts. ‘Do you think you can keep this for awhile?’

  ‘You can trust me,’ I say. ‘Where are Money Mad Iggy and his mate now?’

  I guess Money Mad Iggy owns the speed boat we saw tied up to a tree. He and his mate must be on the island somewhere.

  ‘They left with their resort plans. They're probably deciding which trees to bulldoze first. I'm sure they won't be far away.’

  In that case we need to get out of here. Quickly.

  James Forsyth-Snugglebottom squeezes back into the shed to check he hasn't left any koalas behind in the darkness. We follow him. The floodwater is now around my knees. The whole place is beginning to smell like a bowl of two-week-old cabbage soup.

  The stink is overwhelming. My stomach starts to churn. I can feel something making its way into the back of my throat.

  I think I'm going to vomit.

  I scramble back out of the shed. I head for a dry patch of grass. The last place I want to vomit is in the floodwater. I'll have bits of carrot floating around my knees. Just the thought makes me gag. I swallow hard and wade on.

  I manage to keep everything in until I get clear of the floodwater. I reach a large tree. I can't hold on any longer.

  SPLAT.

  It's not a pretty sight. I've missed the floodwater, but I've hit my foot.

  ‘Mummm!’ I scream.

  Where is she when I need her most? I'm sick. I'm on a flooded island in the middle of Hazard River. I want to go home.

  ‘Mummm!’ I shout again, even though there's no way she'll hear me.

  But I shut my mouth when I see someone coming. He's moving through the trees, heading towards the shed.

  It can only be … Money Mad Iggy!

  I peek around the tree. I watch as he
fiddles with the lock on the shed. Another man joins him. He has a belly the size of a beach ball. He's holding a large container of what I can only guess is cabbage soup and has a baseball bat under his arm.

  ‘I think I can hear voices in there, Iggy,’ Mr Beachball Belly says.

  ‘It wouldn't surprise me,’ Money Mad Iggy says. ‘James 'll be talking to those stupid koalas. He's been like that ever since we were kids. Always been a complete wacko!’

  Somersaulting sausage rolls! I have to stop the men. They're just about to discover Mimi, Ben, Lachlan and James Forsyth-Snugglebottom.

  I have the letter Money Mad Iggy is looking for. He'll probably torture my friends to find out where it is. Ben will crack in a second. Then who knows what Money Mad Iggy will do to me when he knows I've got it.

  I need a distraction. I look around the ground for a rock. A perfect rock is right in front of me. Unfortunately it's covered in vomit.

  ‘What was the combination on this lock? I thought it was four zeros,’ I can hear Money Mad Iggy saying.

  I glance up. The two men are still at the front of the shed, Money Mad Iggy is twiddling with the lock.

  ‘No. You changed it didn't you … to nine, nine, nine, nine?’ Mr Beachball Belly replies.

  I grab a rock with only a couple of small green bits on it. I hurl it as hard as I can. It lands in the floodwater just behind the two men.

  ‘What's that?’ Money Mad Iggy says. He drops the lock and turns to look behind him.

  From the back of the shed a small face appears – it's Ben.

  He slips out of the shed and wades through the floodwater. He scurries towards me without being spotted.

  ‘Ben. Over here!’ I call in a loud whisper.

  Ben ducks in behind a tree.

  ‘Where is everyone?’ I ask.

  ‘They're still in the shed. They stopped to get medicine and bandages for the koalas. I couldn't stand the stink anymore. I had to get out,’ Ben says.

  ‘What are they doing? If they don't get out soon, Money Mad Iggy and his mate are going to find them,’ I say.

  But it's too late.

  ‘Got it,’ Money Mad Iggy says. He opens the lock and pulls the shed door ajar. The two men walk in. There's a loud scream and a lot of shouting.