“Do you want me to drive you home?”
With a weak smile, Charlotte looked at her friend. “Thanks, but I think I’m going to be okay. There’s absolutely nothing left in me. It was just…”
“I know. I know.” Tami pouted. “Dammit. I hate how I ruined our night. I never should have tried to Google Julian. That wasn’t helpful at all.”
“Actually, it was,” she said sadly. “Now I know there wasn’t anything I could have done to change him or help him. Julian’s determined to stay stuck in a cycle he knows is bad for him. Instead of pining for him, I can only pity him.”
“And there’s no way you think you can work it out?”
“I can’t,” she said sadly. “I don’t want only a part of Julian. I deserve someone who is willing to give himself totally to me. That’s what I did. There wasn’t anything I was holding back.”
“Sometimes it’s not that simple.”
“Would you settle for only part of Jimmy?” she asked. “If you knew there was a part of him he was refusing to share with you, would you settle for that?”
A sad sigh was Tami’s only response.
They hugged and walked across the parking lot to their cars. “Let’s try this again next week and see who else we can drag out with us,” Charlotte suggested, hoping she sounded upbeat. “Anyplace but Mexican.”
With a laugh and another hug, they went their separate ways. Charlotte stayed in her car until Tami pulled out. It was early—barely after eight—and her big plans for a girls’ night out had gone down in flames. Typical for her life right now.
Maybe someday she’d be able to get her life together. Maybe she’d find her Mr. Right and get her happily ever after.
Hey, a girl could dream, right?
Sighing, she pulled out of the parking lot and made her way home.
* * *
“Fucking tabloids,” Julian muttered.
“Don’t shoot the messenger,” Riley said from the other end of the phone. “Just checking on you because…well, I think I sort of threw up a little in my mouth when Savannah showed me the article.”
“I had no idea anyone was paying attention to us.”
“So? What were you doing out with her? Is there any truth to this, because the article said the two of you looked cozy.”
Julian snorted with disbelief. “Trust me, there is no truth to anything in that story other than the fact that Dena and I were sitting together. There’s no reconciliation, there’s no nothing. I just…it was time. She came back to LA to talk to me, and I knew that if I’m ever going to get my life back, I had to face her.”
“Okay. Whew,” Riley said, relieved. “Okay then.” He paused. “So…do you want to talk about it?”
Hell no, he didn’t. For the better part of twenty-four hours he’d been thinking about it and playing it over and over in his head. He was pretty content with how he felt, and now he was ready to put it behind him.
“Look, let’s just say I’m glad I went. I’m glad we cleared the air and…things are good.” Yeah, he was being vague and maybe someday he’d share it all with his friends, but now wasn’t the time.
“Okay.”
“You keep saying that.”
“I don’t know what else to say, Jules,” Riley said with a nervous laugh. “You’re not giving me much to work with.”
He chuckled, because that was true. “So what about you?” he asked, turning the tables. “What’s going on with you? How’s Savannah and the kids?”
And you know what? He really wanted to know. For months now he had asked everyone else how they were, but he wasn’t listening when they told him and really didn’t care, because all he could focus on was his own pain and misery. This time, he reached for his cup of coffee and sat down on the couch to listen to Riley talk about family life.
Afterward, Riley said, “I think we all need to sit down and talk. You, me, Matt, and Dylan. This anniversary show is still happening and we’ve accepted the invite to play, but…”
Julian knew what he was getting at, and yes, it was time to deal with that too.
“Is Matt going to be in town?”
“Dude, if you agree to talk with us about playing the show, then I’ll drag him here myself if I have to.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Have you thought any more about not retiring?”
“Lately, my plate’s been kind of full with a lot of other stuff, Ry. But I promise I’ll give it some thought.”
“Jules.”
“It’s the best I can do, man. I’m not going to make promises I can’t keep. Between breaking up with Charlotte and then this whole Dena thing…”
“Wait, wait, wait—you broke up with Charlotte? When?”
Great. Another can of worms opened.
“A little over a week ago. The day after Dena showed up at the restaurant.”
“She was pissed about it, huh?”
Putting his coffee down, he leaned back against the cushions and closed his eyes. Not that it helped. He could still see the sadness on her face. “No. She was pissed at me for trying to apologize.”
“I’m confused.”
“Join the club.”
“There’s got to be more to it than that. Come on. It’s not like you tried to buy her forgiveness or anything, right? I mean, you wouldn’t start that trend up again,” Riley said with a nervous laugh and when Julian didn’t answer, he groaned. “Dude, seriously? Have you learned nothing?”
“It wasn’t like that!” he argued, jumping to his feet. Stalking across the room, he opened the sliding doors and walked out on the deck. It was an overcast Saturday morning and the beach wasn’t too crowded. It was a little on the chilly side and he contemplated going inside for a jacket, but something caught his eye.
Or someone.
“I gotta go,” he murmured into the phone and even as he heard Riley protest, Julian hung up. Tossing the phone on the lounge chair, he walked as if pulled by an invisible force toward the stairs and down onto the beach.
She hadn’t spotted him. She was standing farther down the beach—closer to the town—and from what he could tell she had a cup of coffee in her hands. He wished he was bringing her coffee. Then she’d smile at him and kiss him and everything would be okay.
He missed her.
Ached for her.
Wasn’t sure how much longer he could live without her.
Each step toward her felt like a mile, and when he was only a few feet away, she finally turned and saw him.
The sadness on her face nearly brought him to his knees.
Wordlessly, he went and stood beside her. He looked out at the waves for a minute until he could figure out what he could possibly say to her that would do justice to everything he was feeling.
“Hey.”
Not the greatest start, but at least it was something.
“Hey,” she replied softly, turning to look back at the water.
“It’s a little cold out here today.”
“Yup.”
Okay, so his conversation skills sucked. Now what?
Finally, he forced himself to face her. “I’ve missed you.”
No response. For a minute, she didn’t even blink.
He didn’t take that as a good sign.
“Charlotte,” he said softly, desperate for her to look at him, desperate to be able to touch her. He thought of the night he came out here and found her and how it had made everything in his world feel right. He wished he could have that feeling again right now.
“You should go, Julian,” she said, her voice so quiet he almost didn’t hear her over the waves. “I’ve got nothing to say to you.” There was no heat behind her words, barely any emotion at all, and yet it cut him just as deep.
It was foolish to think she’d be waiting here with open ar
ms after everything that had happened, but he had hoped she’d be a little more agreeable to talking to him. “Why don’t you come up to the house and we can talk? It’s cold out here.”
Then she turned and noticed his sweatpants and T-shirt and bare feet. Meanwhile she was in leggings, a sweatshirt, bulky socks, and boots. Comparatively, he looked like an idiot.
Or like the guy down on his luck she had once thought he was.
When her eyes met his, all he saw was annoyance there—not compassion—and she certainly wasn’t considering going anywhere with him.
“Okay, fine,” he said, determined to at least say…something. “You were right. About everything. I wasn’t handling anything and I was being stubborn about it. I kept thinking that if I didn’t hold on to the rage, it would make me weak. I thought that staying angry would keep me strong.”
No response.
“But it didn’t,” he went on. “It was the rage that was killing me. It was ruining my life. It ruined us and what we had. But that’s changed now. I swear.”
She snorted with disgust and took a sip of her coffee. “Sure, probably because you’ve gotten back what you wanted.”
Yes! She was back and—wait a minute. Little warning bells started to go off in his head. She wasn’t referring to herself, she was referring to…
“The two of you looked very cozy,” she said and there was definitely some snark there. The smile she gave him confirmed it. “Congratulations.”
Holding up his hands in surrender, he was quick to try to explain. “No, no, no—that story was a lie. Right now, the PR people are getting it pulled down. There was nothing cozy about it. It was all a lie. I mean, yes, I was out with Dena, but it wasn’t to reconcile. I swear. It was just to…to put things to rest,” he explained desperately, wishing he could convince her he was telling the truth.
“Whatever.” Another sip of coffee as she watched the waves.
“Dammit, Charlotte, it’s true! I went there because you and Mick and Riley and the guys? You were all right! I needed to deal with this and clear the air and…and…just admit that I was angry and hurt and pissed off and humiliated!”
The side-eye she gave him was her only response.
Why was this so damn hard?
This was everything she’d said she wanted. He’d dealt with the problem and fixed it and now everything was good. Right? And he was talking to her about how he felt about all of it! Everything should be able to go back to the way things were before he screwed it all up!
He shivered from the cold and asked her again to come back to the house, but she politely declined as if he was a stranger.
“What do I have to do to convince you that I’m sorry?” he asked, not above begging at this point. “Whatever you want, Charlotte, it’s yours.”
He knew immediately she took that the wrong way.
“Seriously?” she cried, stomping her foot even as she turned toward him. “You still don’t get it! And you know what? I’m tired of explaining it to you!”
“No, Charlotte. What I meant was—”
“We are too different, Julian,” she said, ignoring his words. “We are worlds apart, and we’re never going to see eye to eye on any of it. I can’t live in a world where the answer to everything is to throw money and expensive gifts at a problem! That’s not who I am! I don’t want to live in a ten-million-dollar home that’s too big for anyone to really live in! I don’t want a car that costs more than the average family makes in a year!”
He was going to try to stop her, but she was on a roll.
And at least she was talking to him.
Or at him.
“I work with people every day who struggle to make ends meet! I’m passionate about helping people less fortunate, and when I see the level of excess in your world, I’m uncomfortable with it! I can’t drive to work in your fancy car or wear designer clothes and jewelry while I’m talking to a woman who is living on the street with her two kids and believe that she’s going to relate to me!” She paused and shook her head as she turned away. “And more than that, if you retreated out of the spotlight and away from the band and the music that we both know makes you happy…” She looked back at him sadly. “I couldn’t live in that world either. And not because I want you to be famous or because I want to be seen with you because of it, but because it would eventually kill you not to do the one thing you are most passionate about. Whether you want to admit it or not.”
“You don’t know—”
She held up a hand to cut off his words. “Do you have any idea how often you hum or tap on things?” The change of subject seemed odd, so he simply waited her out. “All the time. Your hands are never still. There is so much music in you that you don’t even realize it. I watched you at the shelter with those kids, and those few times I saw more joy on your face than I ever saw when we were alone.” Pausing, she sighed and then took a step back. “I want to know that you have that joy with you always, Julian. You deserve it.”
“I’m meeting up with the guys as soon as Riley gets back from North Carolina. I’ll tell them all right now if that’s what you want,” he rushed on. “I’ll call a press conference today if that’s what it takes to prove to you—”
But she shook her head. “Not for me, Julian. It can’t be for me. I’m not part of the equation. This is about you.”
He watched as she closed her eyes, inhaled deeply, and let the breath out. He knew she did this all the time when she was trying to clear her mind or to find the right thing to say.
When Charlotte opened her eyes—those beautiful blue eyes—he finally saw something there. Compassion. Hope had him in its grip as he waited to hear what she was going to say.
“I never want to be the reason you do something or don’t do something. It’s a lot of pressure to live with, and I think you have enough of that without me adding to it. I love you too much to end up being one more person with expectations and demands on you.” She took another step back. “Be happy, Julian.” Then she swallowed hard. “Goodbye.”
He couldn’t move. It was like he was paralyzed. All Julian could do was stand and watch her walk away. His voice wouldn’t work, his limbs wouldn’t move, and by the time he finally could, Charlotte was climbing the stairs that led up to the street. If he chased her down, he’d make a scene and no doubt embarrass her.
Be happy.
Did she have any idea how that wasn’t possible without her? How it wasn’t just playing music at the shelter that made him happy, it was the fact that he was doing it for her? With her? Had he really not communicated that to her at all? Volunteering had been incredibly rewarding and it was something he never would have done if not for her. He’d wanted to help her because she did so much for everyone else and never seemed to get help in return.
How had she missed that? How could he not have told her that everything he did was for her?
Turning around, he looked at the row of houses and sighed. She might say she didn’t want to live in a mansion, but she was happy here. The homes weren’t over the top by any means, but the view was. He wanted to give her that view. He wanted to give her something—everything—that would give her joy. Because in return, that’s what would give him his.
He just didn’t know how.
* * *
It was becoming exceedingly obvious that she was either going to have to change her daily routine or move.
Yeah, those were her options.
Every morning when Charlotte went to get coffee, Julian sat at a table outside the shop reading the paper, sipping his coffee—which he would lift as a way of saying hello as she walked by. He never tried to stop her or get her to sit with him, but when she would leave, he always said, “I hope you have a good day, beautiful,” and yeah, it always gave her heart a little thrill.
They crossed paths at the supermarket, at the Chinese takeout place, and at the
car wash.
Weird.
And although she couldn’t prove it, some strange things were happening all around her and she had a feeling Julian had something to do with them.
There were flowers around the office that were delivered every other day. They weren’t addressed to anyone; they were just there to brighten up the place. Someone had even sent lunch to the office twice a week for the last two weeks. And not just something easy like pizza, but sandwich platters and salads and cookies.
Everyone had loved those days.
And then there was the shelter.
The entire exterior had been painted, new windows installed, new landscaping—it looked like a completely new building. And every time she walked inside, something else was being rehabbed.
New kitchen appliances—all top of the line, restaurant-grade.
New furniture in every room.
New computers in the conference room where she and others taught job skills.
On Thursday night she stood in the middle of the rec room, amazed. There was music playing, children laughing, the place looked bright and cheerful, and she barely recognized it.
“CeeCee!” Hank called as he practically jogged toward her. “You’re not going to believe this. Come see, come see!” He motioned for her to follow and she did, unable to hide her own excitement over what he had to show her.
There were several storage rooms in the back of the building which normally housed extra boxes of clothes and donated furniture, but both of those rooms now looked like something out of a department store. She looked at Hank in confusion. “I…I don’t understand. What’s going on?”
“We’ve got a guardian angel, I think,” he said happily. “These are all new clothes and linens for families in need! They were dropped off here earlier along with all the shelves and hangers and everything we’d need to store them for people to go through with more ease.”
“That’s…that’s amazing,” she said softly as she walked around the room and saw row after row of men’s, women’s, and children’s clothing in every size imaginable. On the perimeter of the room were shelves that went from floor to ceiling, full of sheets, towels, blankets, pillows—things that were new, so a family getting back on their feet could take them and have a little pride in having something new. Her heart felt ready to burst as she thought of how much families would appreciate that.
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