My Name Is Not Alexa Pearce

by Kerri McLoone

  Cali kisses her again and then pulls Mickey so she’s half on top of her. The brunette quickly falls back to sleep in warm arms and listening to her girlfriend’s heartbeat. They lay like that, with Cali awake listening to the rain, for a long time. She hears Alexa get up and take Milo out. She shuts off her first alarm when it blares from her phone.

  Cali has fully expressed herself to Mickey. She’s shown her everything she needs to show, and said everything she needs to say, except the one word she just couldn’t bear to speak.

  Goodbye.

  ● 52 ●

  “Alexa”

  I haven’t been able to concentrate for more than five minutes at a time all day.

  I’ve holed myself up down in the sub-basement with The Book. I haven’t even tried to keep up the charade of entering books into the library’s database. Instead, I’ve been frantically trying to copy the entire contents of The Book into my notebook. I don’t know when Darius will be arriving, but I figure it’s better to have a backup in case something happens to the real one.

  After every few lines that I write, I’m up and pacing around CCR3. I have the translator app on my phone cued up with the saved Latin chants I’ll need to say to transform Cali into an Extensios. I listen to the words a few times with headphones on before sitting down to write down more of The Book. I mouth them as I listen, but I don’t dare say them out loud.

  My nerves and my adrenaline are sky high by four o’clock, and I’m only halfway through my day. I need a change of scenery to clear my head. I tuck The Book back into its place on the shelf, grab my phone and notebook, and clear out of cube three. I use my keycard to bypass security locks and doors and quickly find myself up on the roof.

  I’ve never been up here before. I’ve only gone up to the roof of my apartment building. It’s not that quiet up here since the library isn’t all that tall. I can still hear the sounds of traffic below and periodic shrieks as people get sprayed by or step into one of the puddles left over from this morning’s heavy downpour. I put my phone in my back pocket and clutch the notebook to my chest.

  “Mom,” I say out loud.

  I’ve found a way to talk to her over the last three years without risking her safety. I couldn’t do it right away, the ache for her was too fresh. It’s just as strong now, but I’ve learned to live with it, to work around it.

  I talk out loud as if she’s right in front of me. But I don’t picture her in my mind. And I don’t ask questions, unless rhetorical. I don’t open myself to wishing for her presence in any way. If that happens I shut it down. Like on the stairs ten days ago, I’ll remind myself that she’s safe and they’re all okay.

  I start it the same every time: “I know you can’t hear me, but I just need to talk to you for a minute.”

  I don’t know if saying that has become something of a ritual at this point, but it helps. I say that first and then tell her what’s bothering me.

  “I’m scared. I’m honestly really scared. I know he’s close, that he’s coming. I don’t need to use my powers to know, I can feel it, Mom. More than ever, I know Darius is coming for me.

  “But that’s not what I’m afraid of. I am terrified of Cali getting hurt or even killed. She said that it won’t be my fault if it happens, but I know it will be. She’s become my best friend, and I don’t know how I’d be able to go on living if her death is added to the list of ones I’ve caused.

  “I know what you’re going to say, that I haven’t caused anyone’s death. But me hearing that doesn’t make me feel any less responsible.”

  I stop. I take a moment to reset myself before continuing.

  “And she wants me to tell Matt. She thinks he’ll fight for me, that he’ll join me. But I’m falling for him, Mom. Hard. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. And now I have to tell him, ‘Hey, I know we’ve been on like, one official date, but would you mind leaving your family and everything you know behind to help me battle a demon which could very well get you killed? Cool? Thanks.’

  “Then there’s Mickey! If Matt and Cali help me, and then the three of us have to flee, we’d have to leave her behind. At least for now. So I make Cali choose between me or her soulmate, but then I get to take the guy I’m falling for with me. How is that at all fair?”

  I start pacing around the roof, zig-zagging around the HVAC stacks and small patches of standing water.

  “I don’t know what to do, Mom. I can’t do any of this alone and I know I have to ask for help, but I can’t get past that I’ll be ruining three people’s lives in the process. I know what you would say to me right now. You’d say ‘make good choices,’ and I think, so far, I have. But that still doesn’t change how much guilt I’m feeling right now about the possible outcomes of all of them.”

  I sigh and drop my hands to my sides. I haven’t done this in a while, haven’t been on the apartment roof in months. But every time I do I always feel better. Except, this time I’m left with just as much uncertainty as before. I shiver as a cold, damp breeze sweeps across the roof.

  I go back inside the building, making my way down to the employee lounge. I’m hoping to not run into anybody and finally a small stroke of luck lands in my favor. I buy a bottle of soda from the vending machine and sneak back down to the climate-controlled sub-basement.

  I finish copying the rest of The Book — including a second, different inscription on the back cover — into my notebook and tuck it into my bag so I don’t accidentally leave it here. I have a couple more hours here before I go home to get Cali and Milo. I might as well do some actual work, I think.

  I’m closing the door to CCR3 to go to CCR1 when I get a text from Cali. She says she talked to Matt and got him to agree to meet us later outside the library. I don’t ask what she told him, although I imagine it must’ve been something extravagant.

  I can’t think about tonight anymore. I’m spinning myself in circles as it is. Before I pick up where Sam left off on Sunday, I decide to listen a few more times to the saved chants in Latin in the translator app. I mouth them again a few more times to be as familiar as I can be with the words for later.

  After I finish entering the next two books, I have less than half an hour left, so I pack up all my things and leave cube one. I walk the carpeted walkway to two cubes down. I move around to the side and stare through the glass wall at the corner The Book is in.

  I feel completely unprepared for what’s about to happen tonight. But for now, I’ve done all I can.

  ● 53 ●

  When I get home, Milo meets me at the door. I feel the familiar pressure as he sticks his head between my knees. Instead of the calm that usually washes over me, it’s replaced by something that’s not quite dread but pretty close to it. I hang up my coat and plop onto the couch a tight ball of tension.

  “Oh, good. You’re home.” Cali comes out of her room with a large duffle bag. She puts it on the coffee table and unzips it. “Okay, I went to the drug store today and got a bunch of stuff we might need.”

  She starts removing items from the duffle, naming them as she goes. “Dry shampoo, water bottles with a filter in the straw, heavy duty garbage bags, glow sticks—”

  “Cali, you don’t have to take everything out.”

  “—the biggest resealable plastic bags they had.”

  “Okay, I guess you do.”

  “Sunscreen, gloves, those things you stick in shoes to warm your toes, deodorant, a sudoku book, gummy vitamins, a Swiss army knife, matches, trail mix, bug spray, protein bars, bars of soap, four travel size toothpaste because they were on sale, band-aids, allergy medicine, anti-itch cream, tampons, baby wipes, and of course, chapstick.”

  She reaches all the way into the bag and comes out with three multipack boxes, each a different flavor, and puts them at the top of the mound of items on the coffee table.

  “Where exactly do you think we’ll have to go?” I ask her. “Camping in the Grand Canyon?”

  “I have no freakin’ idea, Lex. So I tried to plan
for anything.” Cali starts putting the things back into the duffle bag. Once the bag is full and zipped closed, she says, “Oh, and I went to the bank and took out some money too.”

  I wince from my spot on the couch as it becomes more and more clear what Cali is giving up to help me. Not only is she choosing to come with me and leave the love of her life behind, but she’s leaving the apartment that her grandmother — the only family she had — willed to her. My debt to Cali keeps getting bigger. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to repay her.

  “I also went to the post office and had our mail forwarded to Mom starting tomorrow.”

  I’m confused until I remember that when she says Mom, she means Matt’s mother. Oh my god, Matt has a mom and a brother. My eyes well with tears, the emotion surprising even myself. I drop my head into my heads. Cali sits down beside me and gently puts her hand on my back.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Matt has a mother and a brother. You have Mickey and this apartment.” My voice is thick with emotion, heavy tears fill my eyes. A few overflow, tracing a line down my cheeks, dripping off my chin onto my sweater. I wipe my tears harshly off of my face and look away. I don’t have the courage right now to look Cali in the eye.

  “I can’t let either of you give up so much when I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to give it back to you somehow.”

  “Alexa, stop it.”

  My head snaps around. She’s never called me Alexa, not even when we first met.

  “That’s right, I said Alexa, so you listen good. I’m not choosing you over Mickey. I’m choosing my future with Mickey over some dickless, demonic bastard who wants to destroy the world and take that future away from me.”

  She puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me in so our foreheads are touching. “And I know that when we tell Moose all of this tonight, he’s going to make the same choice. For his future with you.”

  I nod. My forehead still touching hers. Okay, I think. She’s really in this.

  “Are you—”

  “Oh my god, Lex,” she says pulling away and standing up exasperated. “If you ask me if I’m sure one more time I’m going to punch you.”

  I hold my hands up. “Whoa! Okay, wow. One, violence.”

  Cali chuckles and relaxes her weight onto one leg. She crosses her arms and stares me down.

  “And two,” I continue. “I was going to ask are you done packing a bag of clothes? If I had known the reaction I was going to get, I’d have said forget it and just let you fight Darius and his Victus naked.”

  “That’s an option?” she deadpans. “Sign me up!”

  She spins around and leaves the living room going to her bedroom again. She returns this time with a large backpack. Sliding the large duffle bag over, she starts laying out her clothes: three pairs of shoes — two sneakers and one pair of hiking boots, seven or eight pairs of socks, underwear and bras, a blanket, a sweatshirt, three pairs of jeans, two sweatpants, a couple pairs of shorts, five t-shirts, two long sleeved shirts, a towel, a small toiletry bag, and a pajama set with squirrels and acorns on it.

  “Good,” I say checking my watch. “It’s just after nine, we have to go soon. I’m going to go pack for myself and Milo.”

  Cali nods at me, already repacking her bag. I go into my bedroom thinking about all of the things Cali did today.

  In my bedroom, I take out the essentials and sort them on my bed. I grab clothes from my closet similar to what Cali has packed, minus the squirrel pajamas, and plus an additional blanket and sweatshirt. I pack all of that in the only bag I own that’s large enough: my canvas laundry bag.

  I have room left so I add Milo’s towel, shampoo, and his brush. I dart into the bathroom for my own toiletries and wrap them in a clean bath towel.

  The wooden box goes into my purse which already holds my red notebook. I throw in my glasses case and my phone charger.

  I change out of the flats I’m wearing and put on fresh socks and my hiking boots. I leave on the faded black, skinny cargo pants and red and gray striped sweater I wore to work today.

  I’ve learned, having moved around so much, that what I have now is really all I need. There’s enough money in my box to replace whatever I’ve left behind. The only things I absolutely can’t replace are Milo and the box with all of its contents. And now, of course. Cali and, hopefully, Matt. Anything else I need along the way, I can figure it out then.

  I scan the room and see nothing else I absolutely have to or want to take. I throw the laundry bag over one shoulder and hang my purse on the other. I leave my bedroom and close the door behind me.

  I drop my two bags by the front door and go into the kitchen. I get a plastic bag from under the sink and open the cabinet with Milo’s treats. He’s there in a second waiting for his cookie. I can’t deny him one when he’s looking up at me with his expectant eyes and puppy-like face.

  “Alright, Milo. Just a small piece.” I put the rest into the bag. I add his collapsible bowl, a couple of his toys, and every tennis ball I can find.

  Cali opens the apartment door and puts her bags in the hall. I follow suit then bring my bike in and rest it against the back of the couch. I strap Milo into his harness and hand his leash to Cali while I take out my keys.

  “Are you ready?” I ask her. She takes one more look around the living room before hesitantly stepping into the hall with me. I decide to give her another chance at an out. “Cali, you can still stay. I understand.”

  “No,” she answers without pause. “I’m ready. I’m coming with you.”

  I slide my key in and close the door. As the latch catches and the lock slides into place with a final click, I know in my gut I will never see this place again. But I hope more than anything that Cali will.

  It’s familiar to me by now, leaving. It has happened time and time again. But this time it’s not just another place along the way. I’ve made a life here, a home. And leaving it is just another tally added to the long list of things Darius has robbed from me.

  ● 54 ●

  Rather than carry the three large and two small bags between us all the way to the library, Cali calls for a cab that’s pet-friendly. We have the driver drop us and our luggage at the church around the corner from the library on SW Taylor Street.

  Matt calls as we are getting out of the car and Cali tells him we’ll be right there. We pay the cabbie and wait for him to drive away before we head down the block and make a left toward the library. Matt is there waiting, looking around, with his own duffle bag hanging on his shoulder.

  Cali must have told him something that was convincing enough for him to be not only here, but also packed, I think.

  “Hey,” he says greeting us. He and Cali hug, and he gives me an unhurried, relaxed kiss. He releases me and crosses his arms. “So, anyone want to tell me exactly what’s going on?”

  “Well, um, what exactly did Cali tell you?”

  “That I should pack some clothes and essentials, and meet the both of you here tonight. She said you need our help with something but wouldn’t tell me what.”

  I open my mouth to explain to him why he’s here, why we’re all here, but no coherent words come out. I look to Cali with pleading eyes hoping that she’ll jump in and say something. She does, it’s just not what I expect to hear.

  “Lex is a witch.”

  Matt looks confused for a moment and then cracks up laughing. My jaw drops at her brashness.

  “Cali! Let’s not talk about this out here. Please.”

  “What?” Cali asks innocently. “I thought a direct approach was best.”

  Matt’s smile slowly fades from his face. He looks back and forth between us. Then cracks up again as if he was suddenly let in on the joke. He chuckles a few more times, but when neither of us laughs with him, his face falls again.

  “Wait... what?” He looks between the two of us. His eyes even drop to Milo who’s sitting patiently between Cali and I. “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “W
e should really go inside, Cali. I don’t want to talk about this out here.”

  I take my bags and Milo’s things, along with Milo, and head around to the side entrance Matt and I used after our food truck lunch a few days ago. Before swiping my card through, I look behind me and see Cali pulling Matt with her. I unlock the door and hold it open with my foot for them.

  We gently close the door behind us and make our way over to the next door that leads to the basement and sub-basement. I swipe my card again and this door opens onto a stairwell. At the bottom are two metal doors, one leads to a second stairwell, the other into the regular basement.

  At the base of the stairs, I swipe my card again and we go down the last set of stairs to the sub-basement. I’m about to slide my keycard through the last electric lock when I freeze. My lungs feel like they’re about to collapse and my heart like it has stopped all together.