Recaptured Dreams

by Dell, Justine

  Yet she shuddered at the light that flashed behind her closed eyes like a movie in her head—a fast-motion reel of memories and pictures, long-forgotten bits and pieces of her past:

  “I think I’m pregnant,” she told Xavier as he lay back in the grass at the clearing.

  He jolted upright, his eyes wide. “Are you sure?”

  She shrugged, her unease making her voice shake. “I took a test.” She held it up. “Positive.”

  He cradled her in his arms. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He breathed heavily against her neck. “I promise to take care of you.”

  She sobbed against him. “Maybe the test is wrong. It happens.”

  He hugged her tighter. She could feel the concern swallowing them both. And she could barely contain her own fear.

  His breath rushed out, but he didn’t loosen his comforting grip. His voice was low and steady. “If it’s positive, we’ll work it out no matter what. I won’t leave you, Sophia. I love you.”

  She sighed. “It’s not that…it’s my parents. My mother won’t understand.” Her sobs returned, stronger this time. “She’ll be so angry.”

  “Pregnant?” her mother fumed after Sophia had told her the news. “How could you be so careless?”

  “Mother, please. I love him and the life we created—”

  “Stop! I shall not have you raise a child when you are no more than a child yourself. I knew he was no good.”

  The tears flowed freely from Sophia’s eyes. “I need him.”

  “No. We’ll leave tomorrow, and you shall never see him again. I’ll figure out what to do with you later.”

  Behind the wheel of her car, Sophia cried and held a hand to her growing stomach. She had stormed out of the house during a rainstorm after yet another fight with her mother. Delivery would only be a few more weeks away. She caressed her swollen belly. Her mother wanted her to give the baby away, but she’d refused. She’d held her ground and fought day in and day out. They had hidden Sophia away for the past seven months in Ireland, kept her from her home and her friends. Most of all, they had kept her from Xavier. Her heart clenched at the missing piece, and tears of need fell daily. She hated her mother for doing this to her, for making her face this alone and for trying to take away her baby.

  The rain came harder and faster, and then it was ice crashing on her windshield instead of water drops. The road became slick, and Sophia lost control. Before she knew it, she’d slid right through a red light. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the truck coming. On impact, nothing but blackness followed.

  She awoke to bright lights, stretched out on a hospital bed. A woman she would later come to know as her mother was by her side, holding a baby who was just a few months old. A man—her father—was there as well. Involuntarily, Sophia pressed a hand to her flat stomach, and a feeling of loss washed over her. Something was missing. Something was wrong.

  “Tell me what happened,” she demanded of the people in her room.

  “You’ve been in a coma for five months,” the woman with the baby replied. “What do you remember?”

  “Nothing.”

  Sophia squeezed her eyes tightly as the bits and pieces of memories flowed through her mind. All the loneliness she’d felt being so far away from Xavier. All the fights with her mother about her unborn child. All the terrible things Katherine had said about Sophia disgracing the family.

  Sophia was terrified to open her eyes and look at Xavier, the man whose child she had carried. The man who had known about the possibility of that child and hadn’t told her a thing.

  She cracked open her eyes. “You knew,” she whispered.

  Xavier scowled, his face within inches of hers. “Knew what?”

  Her stomach rolled with unease. She was panting now, her heading spinning and her heart racing. She could feel the pressure of Xavier’s hand on the back of her head and faintly heard the calming words he whispered in her ear.

  But the damn trembling! It wouldn’t stop. She couldn’t control the memories that kept flooding her mind or the sting shooting through her veins. The hurt, the love, and the loss were all there—bearing down on her like a weight meant to crush the very life out of her.

  And that whole time she’d spent with Xavier, he hadn’t told her about the pregnancy.

  Not a bloody thing!

  She pulled away from him.

  He lurched back, eyes wide. Sophia winced at the resemblance between his face now and the one from her memory when she’d told him the news. The wind whipped across her wet face, quickly drying away the tears, and she was freezing now; the sound of the waterfall felt like scratches to her eardrums.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  She shook her head furiously, aiming to control all the madness raging inside her. Her hand fluttered to her stomach, to the exact place of the scar Xavier had asked about.

  A child. Her body practically convulsed at the thought.

  “Take me home,” she bit out.

  He flinched at the harshness of her words. “What’s wrong?” he repeated.

  “Please.” Her voice was hoarse but firm. She stood up and took several steps away from him. “I need to go home.”

  “Sophia.” His voice cracked as he reached for her.

  “Xavier, please. I need to go home.”

  “Fine,” he relented as he rose. “I’ll take you back to the house.”

  “No. I need to go home.”

  Xavier stumbled back, clutching a hand to the front of his shirt. “Why?” he choked out. “If you just tell me—”

  “Please, Xavier,” she said, quelling the aggravation in her voice. “You need to trust me. I need to go home. Now.”

  Xavier paced around the house, waiting for Sophia to pack her bags. What had happened in that clearing? She’d looked so happy and carefree before she’d started quivering and had grown deathly pale. He’d held onto her for minutes trying to comfort her, to tell her everything would be all right. But then she’d cut out his heart and told him she wanted to leave. And she wouldn’t talk to him or spare him a glance since.

  He paced the foyer. If he let her go now, he was afraid she might never come back.

  His cell phone rang, and he jerked it out of the holster on his belt.

  “What?” he yelled.

  “Jesus, Xavier!” Bryant yelled back. “What is up with you? Get yourself together. We’ve got a problem.”

  “I don’t have time for this,” he hissed.

  “Too bad.” Muffled curses and bangs rang out over the line. “Shut the hell up! I’m on the goddamn phone!”

  Xavier rubbed his eyes. “You’ve got exactly ten seconds, and then I’m hanging up.”

  “Since you’ve been on your little escapade with your woman, I’ve had a hard time keeping the show schedule up-to-date.”

  “Did you miss—”

  “No, XS has shown at every show on the roster. The problem now is Tokyo. Diera’s here, and apparently the two of you had an agreement to show a collective line at the grand finale and then speak at the following day’s Trend Magazine award ceremony. Does this ring a bell?”

  Xavier cursed.

  “She’s calling my phone every two seconds, leaving the same shrieking message every time: ‘Where’s Xavier?’ Now, I’m sorry to interrupt your reunion, but you need to get your ass on a plane to Tokyo within the next twenty-four hours before Diera has a stroke and blames it on XS.”

  The line went dead. A slew of curse words flew through Xavier’s head as he crammed the phone back in his pocket. Damn his luck. Just when he was certain Sophia needed him most, he had to leave her.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “SOPHIA,” XAVIER SAID as he walked her to the limo waiting at London’s Heathrow airport.

  Wind blew between them, seeming to drag Sophia farther and farther away. She paused before reaching the opened door but didn’t turn around to face him, so he grabbed her arm and spun her around.

  “Talk to me,” he demande
d. Hell would freeze over before he let her walk away like this. She had been like ice last night. Eyes cold as steel during the flight. Lips resolutely clamped during the entire car ride. And now she hid behind dark sunglasses.

  “Tell me. Please.” He couldn’t control his agony.

  She shook her head wearily and twisted her elbow out of his grasp. His long arm circled her waist, drawing her to his body before she had a chance to retreat. He searched her face, looking for something, anything to help him.

  Her bottom lip trembled.

  “There’s nothing I can tell you now.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Nothing that will help us…”

  “You remembered something yesterday in the clearing, didn’t you?”

  His arm held fast around her waist when she turned her head away from him. He swore the wind was going to rip her right from his arms.

  “Damn it, Sophia.” He raked his free hand through his hair. “Just talk to me. Why won’t you let me in?”

  Her face paled, and Xavier almost dropped to his knees right there. Sophia’s lips trembled more, and she parted them slightly as if to speak. To his surprise, she leaned into him and pressed her lips to his. He could taste the salt from her tears and felt her wavering.

  She slid away and spread her hand on his chest, over his heart.

  “Goodbye, Xavier.”

  The door slammed behind her, and Xavier grabbed his chest. A knife to the heart. But he had no choice. He had to let Sophia go as she ran away from him.

  Sophia ripped off the sunglasses and tossed them onto the seat. The darkness inside the limo matched her heart. Cupping her hands over her face, she shook her head.

  She was the one who had put the distance between her and Xavier this time, and she hated herself for it. Hated herself for the fear she’d seen on his face when she’d kissed him goodbye.

  She had asked for this, hadn’t she? And now that she’d seen pieces of her life, she was terrified. Terrified to learn she had carried Xavier’s child. Terrified to know that her mother had wanted to take it away. And heartbroken to learn that Xavier had known about the child the whole time.

  Her anger, while fresh and raw at the circumstances, was shadowed by her feelings for the man who loved her. The man who had taken her into his home, offered all of his help and support, only with the hopes of getting her back. How could she blame him for this?

  Yet, there was nothing she could have said to make Xavier understand the turmoil going on inside her head. In a sense, she had been protecting him, given she herself didn’t even know what had happened to the child she’d been carrying when she had the accident. Before she could begin to explain anything to Xavier, she had to figure out what happened all those years ago. What other pieces was she missing?

  The lump in her throat grew, and she found it hard to breathe.

  The snippets she’d seen were far from enough. Katherine was the only one who knew the answers. And by God, Sophia swore as the limo pulled up to her house, she was going to get them.

  Sophia didn’t wait for the driver to open her door before she flung herself out of the vehicle and sprinted up the walkway. The tears had dried, and uncontrolled fury had built up.

  “Mother!” Sophia slammed the solid oak front door. She stalked through the house, searching every room.

  It was quiet. Too quiet. Even the help had gone missing. Sophia raced up the stairs as she continued to call out to her mother. Her bellows bounced off the tall ceilings and rang in her ears. Nothing stirred.

  She walked down the hallway, passing a glance at each open door. When she finally made it to the end of the hall, she stopped at the last door, her brother Connor’s room. They hadn’t changed it since he’d passed away; it was still decorated with pale green walls and white furniture. And dinosaurs. Connor had loved dinosaurs.

  Sophia crossed the threshold and gazed around the room. Sunlight drizzled in through half-closed curtains, and tiny specs of dust floated in the beams. Even though no one had stepped foot in it for years, the room smelled strangely like baby powder. Sophia’s eyes stopped at the rocking chair in the corner where her mother sat, a baby book in her hands.

  Katherine glanced up, closed the book, and rose from the chair. She walked over to the bookcase in the opposite corner, pausing for a moment to stroke her hand over the cover before placing it on the shelf. She turned and walked toward the window, pushing the curtains open all the way.

  “You know,” Katherine said quietly as she stared outside, “a mother always does what she thinks is best for her children. Even if the children themselves don’t think so.” She slanted a look at Sophia before focusing on Connor’s bed. She walked over and straightened covers that hadn’t seen a night’s sleep in four years.

  “I knew you would remember.” She sat down on the bed, crossing her legs at her feet. “As soon as you went away, I knew it would happen.” She rubbed her hands along her thighs, still not meeting Sophia’s gaze. “The look on your face tells me I was correct.” Katherine rose and walked back over to the window. “One day you shall thank me for what I did, Sophia. One day you will understand.”

  Sophia stepped toward her mother and grasped her shoulder. Katherine trembled beneath her grip.

  “What have you done?” Sophia asked.

  “Nothing of which I am ashamed.”

  Sophia tensed and took a step back. “Where is my child?”

  As Katherine turned toward her daughter, her face paled slightly. She retreated, bumping into the window. “I did what I had to do. I had to shield you.”

  “Shield me?” Sophia snapped as the blood rushed to her face. “From what?”

  “From yourself. From Xavier. From everything the child would have taken from you.”

  Sophia’s eyes burned, and her muscles twitched. “I swear, if you don’t tell me what happened to my child right now—”

  “He’s here.” Her gaze dropped briefly. “He’s always been right here…”

  Sophia’s eyes flitted around the room—her brother’s room. Her anger mixed with confusion. “Here?”

  “Yes,” Katherine replied, her chin held high. “Your brother Connor…was your son.”

  Sophia’s legs wobbled beneath her. She folded herself into the nearby rocking chair.

  “Why did you lie to me?”

  “It was best for you.” Katherine’s voice was determined. “I said I wasn’t ashamed, but that doesn’t mean I can’t regret some of the things I’ve done since then.” Her smile was laced with sadness. “You named him, you know. Connor is the name you picked out before the accident.”

  “If you wanted to keep him from me so badly, why would you give him the name I chose? Weren’t you afraid I would remember that?”

  “Yes. But I had to do something for you, even though it was small. I never forgot who he belonged to, Sophia.”

  “What else have you done?” She jumped from her seat and paced. She knew her mother had done more than steal her child, but she needed to hear it herself. “Tell me everything.”

  Katherine’s voice shook, the first crack in her stoic demeanor. “I kept you from him. Xavier. I couldn’t stand my daughter being bound to some commoner because of a child. You deserved better. We deserved better.”

  “How dare you.”

  “You wouldn’t listen to reason. You were too young to understand that I did it for you. For your future.” Katherine picked up one of Connor’s old toys. A stuffed T-Rex. She stroked it. “The accident erased the memory and allowed you to start over. To get everything you dreamt of.”

  “Everything I dreamt of was him. And it would have been my child as well had you not stolen him from me.” Her voice rose as her pulse pounded in her neck. “You lied to me. About everything. You deceived everyone who trusted you. Everyone who loved you.”

  Sophia stopped pacing and turned point-blank to her mother.

  “Father? He went along with this?”

  Katherine shoulders tensed ever so slightly. “Of
course.”

  Sophia’s knees buckled. “Why?” Her relationship with her father had been strained at times, yes, but he’d always been so much more caring, loving than her mother. Understanding. He’d known how much something like this would affect her.

  “That’s not important, what matters is—”

  “Nothing you say matters, Mother. The reasons you give don’t make any sense. What you did was cruel and inhumane.” Katherine visibly flinched as her countess façade continued to fade away. “You took a life. My life.”

  “That wasn’t the intention—”

  “I loved him. I still love him,” Sophia cried as her voice cracked. “You ruined it then, and you may very well have ruined it now! You shall spend the rest of your life regretting what you’ve done to me. You didn’t think I was strong enough. You tried to control me.” She pointed a finger at her mother’s chest. “I was strong then. And I’m strong now. I hope you’ve made yourself happy, because you have done more than ruin my life—you’ve ruined your own.” Sophia turned on her heel and ran out of the room, not even bothering to notice her mother’s sobs as she did.

  The shock didn’t set in until Sophia reached the utter quiet of her room. She clutched her stomach, which still threatened to toss up everything inside. Her head pounded, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t keep her hands from shaking.

  Her brother was her son. Her brother, who was long buried. She would have to mourn his loss all over again—not as a sister, but a mother. A mother who had loved and cherished every moment of his life. She couldn’t get it back. She could never have the memories of what was supposed to be.

  Claws raked at her open wounds, tearing straight to her heart, shredding every ounce of love she’d known. Connor’s laugh, young and innocent, echoed through her ears. Remembering his glimmering eyes, blue as the ocean, made her sob. She’d held him when he was a baby. She’d nurtured him and played with him as he’d grown. He’d called her Suh-pee. So crazily similar to Mummy.