by Archer, Kiki
“Faster!” said Maria, deliberately encouraging the chaos.
Connie couldn’t stop laughing. Crusty was leaving a snowstorm with each bounce and Earth Mother was lucky to be conscious as her breasts hit her face with such force. “And let go!” she shouted, needing to be out of the mix, unable to catch her breath with her giggles.
The group fell backwards with the little boys the only ones not to laugh, both simply sliding off the pink pillows and marching towards the pirate ship.
“Oh, was it that much fun?” asked Maria.
“Yes,” giggled Crusty, pulling herself back up onto her feet and offering out her hands once more.
Connie looked at her, then back at Maria, laughing at the idea that the four women would play bounce. “I’m okay thanks, I think I’m a bit too giddy. I need to sit down.”
Earth Mother rolled herself off the pillows of air, hauling herself back onto her feet at the base of the castle. “I think I need a sit down too.”
“Looks like it’s me and you then, Cru— Clare,” said Maria, quickly correcting herself, taking hold of the woman’s hands and swinging her round.
Connie watched in amusement as Maria swung Crusty like a child, seemingly not bothered by the showering of white stuff flying free from the woman’s hair. “I’ll get us the coffees,” she said, relieved to be walking away.
Earth Mother rushed up behind her. “May we join you?”
“Of course. You’ve not hurt yourself have you?” asked Connie, noticing the woman was rubbing her chin.
“Maybe a little. But it was worth it.”
Connie nodded, unsure of quite what to say next.
****
“So,” Maria took a sip of her coffee and addressed both women with her words, “how long have you two been together?”
Crusty giggled. “Since school.”
“And how long have you been married?”
Earth Mother leaned forward, sending her breasts a good distance over the table. She hushed her voice. “We civil partnered in 2006 and signed the papers to upgrade it to marriage last year.”
“Wow, that’s a long time. Why are you whispering?”
Earth Mother nodded in the direction of a group of new comers. “People can be funny.”
Crusty continued to giggle. “Hence why we were thrilled when we saw you kissing.” She turned to Connie. “We always knew that man of yours was,” she lowered her voice as well, “gay.” The nervous giggles continued. “I don’t think any of the other women at that playgroup realise, but we spotted it, didn’t we, Bertha?”
“We did indeed,” said Earth Mother, tapping the side of her nose.
Maria continued her inquisition. “Who carried the children?”
“We used the London Women’s Clinic.”
“Ah, so did I.”
“We both started treatment and decided whoever caught first would carry first, and we both caught at the same time.”
Maria frowned. “But they don’t both call you Mum? I’ve heard Lucas calling you Clare, and I’m sorry, what’s your other little boy called?”
Connie stayed silent. She knew what Maria was doing - getting as much information out of them as possible before they realised there was a straight imposter present, causing them to clam up.
“Leeroy.”
“Lucas and Leeroy, that’s nice. Why does Leeroy wear the bumper helmet if you don’t mind me asking?”
“I was such a klutz as a child,” said Crusty, unable to talk without giggling, “I thought it best.”
Maria turned to Earth Mother. “So why doesn’t Leeroy call you Mum too?”
“I didn’t carry him.”
“But you all live together?”
“Of course.”
“So you’re his mum?”
“Not biologically.”
“But they’re from the same donor?”
Crusty giggled. “Can you imagine if yours were from the same donor too? We’d be one big rainbow family.”
“Umm,” Maria paused, not wanting to show her distaste for the suggestion. “Well I used the same clinic, but my donor only donated for a very short period of time. Only one pregnancy was reported and that was mine.”
Connie cut in, unable to let this titbit pass by. “How come?”
“I don’t know. The donors never find out when a child is born, who they’re born to or anything like that, but they are notified when a pregnancy is reported. A bit like being told their donation has been successful. Anyway, after I had Alice I called the clinic to reserve some more vials just in case I ever wanted another child and they told me he’d stopped donating after my pregnancy was reported.”
“Why?”
“They can’t tell you.”
“Sorry,” said Earth Mother, her breasts pushing further across the table, “but how don’t you know this?”
Connie coughed. “I’m actually a single mum. I had Noah with an ex-partner.”
“Female?”
“No, male.”
Crusty glanced nervously across at her wife.
“And you?” said Earth Mother to Maria, drawing her breasts back onto her lap.
“Single. I had Alice on my own.”
“Clare, I think we should leave.”
Crusty giggled. “Right.”
“Wait. We never said we were a rainbow family, you did.”
“You kissed, and you were calling each other Mummy Maria and Mummy Connie.”
Maria nodded. “And how did that make you feel?”
The flaking woman ignored her wife’s glare and spoke quickly. “It made us want to rush over and join in.”
“Exactly. Visibility’s the only route to acceptance. You two should be proud of each other. Your children should be shouting from the rooftops that they have two mothers who love them. You shouldn’t hush your voice because you think people might judge. Hold hands. Be brave. Show the world that you’re equal.”
Earth Mother stood up and tucked her chair under the table. “And be ridiculed by straight women like you. No thank you. Clare, we’re leaving.”
“We’re not straight.” All eyes were suddenly on Connie. “Well Maria’s definitely not, and I don’t think I am either.”
Maria took hold of Connie’s cheeks, planting tiny kisses all over her small button nose. “You’re so brave, you’re so brave, you’re so brave!”
Connie laughed. “Not brave, just honest.” She looked at the two women. “Maria’s right. Visibility’s the key to acceptance. People need to see families like yours. They need to see same-sex relationships like yours. That’s the only way to tackle prejudice, by hitting it head on.”
“Good luck with that,” said Earth Mother, pulling her wife up by the hand.
“Right. Bye,” giggled Crusty.
Maria watched the women return to their table and pack up their things before turning to Connie and smiling. “Soooo,” she said, “now you’re not straight?”
Connie grinned as their eyes locked together. “Let’s take a turn down the tunnel and see.”
Chapter Thirty
“Ryan, I need you,” gasped Connie, stepping out of the store and into the sunlight as she turned up the volume on her phone. “Mum’s got Noah; I’ve got about an hour.”
The voice on the other end of the line sounded concerned. “For what?”
“For shopping.”
“Shopping shopping?”
“Yes, Ryan, shopping shopping. Can you get to Ann Summers?”
“I’ll cancel my client. I’ll be there in five. Let’s walk and talk. What’s going on?”
Connie found a bench and sat down as she heard Ryan instruct his receptionist to reschedule. “Are you out?” she asked.
“Out of the building and en route.”
“I don’t want you getting in trouble.”
“I’m the boss. You’re more important. Philippe’s on cover. Go. Talk. What’s happening?”
She lifted her face to the sun and took a deep breath. “I
came on my own.”
“During sex? And now you need toys to pleasure her?”
“No! To Ann Summers!” Connie paused. “Oh god, could that happen?”
“It could, darling, but I’ll get you kitted out. Why the hell did you go there alone? I told you I’d help you.”
“I needed to get something, but then I went in and there were so many of them that I got all flustered and had to come out.”
“What something are you talking about, darling?”
“I don’t know. Maria’s made comments.”
“Ooo, I knew she was a devil. What sort of comments? I’m passing by Greggs.”
“Good, you’re close.” She closed her eyes, remembering the connection. “In the tunnel yesterday.”
“What tunnel?”
“At Bounce-a-rama.”
“The dark one?”
Connie smiled. “That’s the one.”
“You dirty bitches.”
“No! We just kissed.” She paused, feeling a shiver of memory run through her body, re-living the sensation of Maria’s lips against her own. “Lots of kissing.”
“And? Darling, I’m flat out running now!”
“And it got heated.”
“She touched you?”
“No. She’s only ever stroked the skin on my back and maybe a bit of my stomach.”
“So?”
“Well she said something.”
“God, Connie, hurry up! I’ll be there before you tell me.”
“Okay, well it was getting heated, and we were kissing, and I kind of pushed her backwards against the wall.”
“You go girl.”
“Well she…”
“She what?”
“She groaned.”
“Good, and?”
Connie sat up straighter on the bench. “And she told me she couldn’t wait for me to be inside her.”
Ryan hooted. “What?! Oh darling, she needs you!”
“But I haven’t got anything to put inside her!”
“Oh bless you, you don’t have a clue, do you? Look at you sitting on that bench like a little lost soldier.”
Connie scanned the pedestrianised street, spotting him trotting towards her. She ended the call and stood up to hug her very best friend. “Bastard,” she said with a smile.
“Yes, but you love me. Come on, let’s get you lesbianised.”
Connie followed his lead into the pink-fronted shop, bumping straight into him as he stopped suddenly at the tiny-waisted mannequins. “No, they’re at the back,” she whispered.
“I know, but we’re doing this properly. We’ve got an hour, right?”
Connie nodded. “But I only want one thing.”
“No. This is your weekend. We need to set the scene. Maria’s a real lesbian. She’s been with other real lesbians. Her memory bank will be full of wonderful women with hot bodies and beautiful faces. You need to set yourself apart and rise above the rest of them with something just that little bit different.” He reached out and lifted a hanger from the rail. “How about this? Good girl gone bad.”
Connie looked up and down at the sheer, tight-fitting erotic jail jumpsuit complete with stripes and matching prison-issue hat and handcuffs.
He tapped the label. “Prisoner 69. Could work? And look, it’s reduced to nine pounds.”
Connie pointed at the mannequin behind him. “Why don’t I just go all out and turn up as a naughty nurse?”
“Oh no, darling, you’re not a slut.”
“Exactly! As if I’d wear a see-though jail jumpsuit. What am I meant to do? Knock on the door and just stand on the doorstep looking like a convict?”
“No, you wear a mac.”
“So I look like a stripper and then a convict?”
“Oh Connie, you have to get in the right frame of mind. If you don’t feel sexy, you won’t appear sexy.” He paused. “What pants are you wearing?”
Connie self-consciously stepped backwards. “Why?”
“Fine, forget the dress up, but the underwear must be perfect. Half the fun’s in the unwrapping anyway. Give her a last layer to remember.”
She nodded. “My underwear’s fine.”
“I’m not just talking about knickers that aren’t fraying. I’m talking about lingerie.”
“It’s fine. I’ve got a nice set from M&S.”
“What do you mean a nice set? You need more than one. What are you wearing right now?”
She shrugged. “My comfies.”
“From where?”
“Tesco.”
“Oh god, darling, you’ve bought one of those awful packs of supermarket knickers, haven’t you?”
“They’re practical and you get five for five pounds.”
“Right, that’s it.” He marched over to the hangers and started to flick through the two-piece sets. “I’ll pick you out a selection. You’re definitely trying something on.”
Connie followed him sheepishly, daring to finger some of the labels. “Why have they all got such scary names? Look: Savage Beauty, Pummelling Plunge, Extreme Brazilian Boost.”
“It’s better than: Five Pack White Cotton Full-Briefs.” He tutted. “And your bra won’t be matching will it?”
“It’s a black minimiser. I like it. It takes attention away from my chest.”
“Well this weekend your chest will be the star of the show. Come on, changing rooms.” He pulled open one of the pink curtains and hung the selection next to the mirror. “Now. This is important. Show me how you undress.”
“What?”
“For Maria. Show me. Start with your top, that’s the sexiest part.”
“No!”
“I’ve known you for how long? And I’ve seen you in far more compromising situations than this. Come on, Connie, this could be your make or break.”
“Fine, but I’d step back if I was you.” She held onto the sleeve of her jumper and pulled her arm free.
“No! Put it back in! Think fifty shades. The way he takes his top off. One smooth action every single time. You reach up with your hand, grab your jumper at the back of your neck and just pull the whole thing free.”
Connie looked at the gay man standing in front of her. “That may well do it for you, Ryan, but I think women like to tease a bit more.”
“Ooo, okay, improv, I like it. Show me what you’ve got.”
Connie took hold of the sides of her jumper and started to wiggle them upwards, adding in a slight knee bend in as well.
“Darling, I’m stopping you. You look like a chicken taking a shit.”
“Oh for god’s sake, can I just take this bloody top off? I’m getting all hot and bothered.”
“Maria’s the one who’ll be hot and bothered if you take it off right.”
“Fine,” said Connie, just wanting to move on. “Like this?” She reached up and grabbed her jumper at the back of her neck, pulling it off with one movement.
“Shit!” they both gasped.
Connie looked at herself in the mirror. “The static! I look like I’ve stuck my fingers in the sockets.”
“No, I’m shitting about the two wind socks you’ve got strapped to your chest. Connie, you have zero visible flesh from your stomach to your neck. It’s all covered with that boulder-holder bra!”
Connie batted him out of the changing rooms with her jumper. “You’re so bloody mean, just get out and leave me to it.” She swiped the curtains closed and looked at herself in the mirror. Ryan was right. It was like she was wearing a binder or a full body bandage. She unbuckled her jeans and looked down at her white cotton briefs. A body bandage and a nappy. Maria wouldn’t be interested in someone sporting a body bandage and nappy. She unhooked her bra and moaned with instant relief as her breasts dropped free.
“Oh, darling, try pushing them out a bit and lean back so they’re upright.”
Connie gasped, seeing the face in the curtains. “Ryan!”
“Why are you covering your boobs?” He stepped back into the changing room. �
��I’d be more concerned about your super-sized knickers. You could smuggle me out of the shop in those.” He picked up the Sweet Treats lingerie set instead. “Get this on before the wind picks you up and blows you away.”
Connie used two fingers to hold up the hanger, slightly anxious about the lack of visible fabric.
“It’s a thong, darling, you’ll be fine. Just slip it on.”
The idea of just slipping it on proved much easier said than done with Connie needing Ryan’s shoulders for support as she clambered into the thin thing. “And we’re up,” she said, finally snapping the material into place and looking at her reflection in the mirror, unable to ignore the fact that the thong was digging in and puffing out her white pants even more than usual. She paused for a moment, before daring to look over her shoulder. Her bottom looked like a piece of pork trussed up with string, ready for a roasting.
Ryan nodded. “Without that white double duvet under there, those pants could look hot.”
“They’re hardly pants!” She reached for the bra. “And this won’t fit either.”
“Yes it will,” he said, helping her arms through the straps. “We’ll just hoik up these bad boys and then… Ooo, can you breathe in a bit? And just a little bit more? And… Wait… There, we’ve got it.” Ryan forced the clasps together and looked over Connie’s shoulder into the mirror. “Oh yes,” he said, making a camera shape out of his fingers, “nice set. Imagine it without those billowing knickers and that’s what I’m talking about.”
Connie couldn’t help but smile. “It does look kind of cute.”
Ryan pulled her shoulders backwards. “Now, just work on your pose. Try sticking out your chest a bit more.”
Connie transferred her weight onto one hip and forced her breasts forwards. “What the hell?” she gasped as her nipples popped through the fabric at the front.
Ryan jumped backwards. “Good god, woman, you could take someone’s eyes out with those.”
Connie fumbled with the material, desperately trying to push her nipples back into place. “I can’t close it up!”