by Archer, Kiki
“Peepo,” said Ryan.
“Oh stop it! What the hell have you brought me?”
He lifted the hanger and re-read the label. “Sweet Treats peephole bra and crotchless thong. I’m sorry, I honestly didn’t know.”
“Crotchless thong? There’s no material there as it is! How is it crotchless?”
“Spread your legs and bend over.”
“No! My nipples are still sticking out!”
“Oh just do it, Connie, we’re well past any embarrassment here!” He pushed on her back and crouched down behind her. “Just a little bit lower. Argh, and there you have it.”
“What?” Connie side-stepped in her upside down position towards the mirror, conscious that her nipples were well past the point of peeping and were now giving their audience a full-on waving hello. She pulled her breasts under her armpits and looked through her legs. The thong string had split into two like a wishbone, leaving a flap of white cotton poking out of position.
“And that’s where she’d enter,” said Ryan with authority.
Connie pulled herself upright, adding a flushed face to her already static hair. “Sweet treats, my arse. No one wants to see that and it would be more like loose juice.”
The gay man screwed up his face. “Loose juice?”
“It’s true. You’d be dribbling all over the place.”
“And on that note, I’m going.”
“Good, please bring me something that’s sensible.” She smiled, glancing back at herself in the mirror. “And maybe a little bit sexy.”
****
Half an hour had passed and they had a basket in which were three sets of more appropriate lingerie. Ryan had resumed his role as Gok Wan and was clapping his hands as they approached the rows of DVDs. “Right, the scene has been set. She’s seen you, you’re sexy, so now for the spice.”
“That’s why we’re here,” she lowered her voice, “to buy something from the back.”
“Wait, wait, wait. We work through the shop like you’d work through your date. That’s how it’s designed. Dress up by the door, lingerie next, now the DVDs.”
“I’m not going to stop the snogging so I can ask for the remote and load up a movie.”
“No, the DVD’s the foreplay, darling.” He scanned the shelves. “Ignore all that. That’s straight stuff. Here’s the girl-on-girl.”
Connie looked at the small selection, unsure if it were the titles or the pictures that were putting her off the most. “The milf and her kitten?”
“Just like you and Maria.”
“She’s not that much older than me!” She peered at the cover more closely. “And I won’t be wearing a tail.”
“Okay, how about this one? Muff Bumpers.”
“I’m not buying a DVD called Muff Bumpers.”
“Fine. Pussy Party.”
“No.”
“The Tribe of Wet Panties.”
“No!”
“Fine, go for Piss Pals.”
“Ryan, I am not buying one of these!”
“You need experience, Connie. Just buy it and watch it for yourself before you go. Here. First Time Lesbian.”
She snatched the film from his hands and dropped it into the basket. “As long as we can move on. Right, at the back they’ve got—”
“Wait, last aisle. The final piece of the puzzle when assisting arousal.”
“What?”
“Poppers.”
“I’m not buying party poppers!”
Ryan laughed. “Oh bless you.”
“What?”
“Well you don’t put them in her punani, pull the string and – wayhay.”
Connie frowned.
“You…” he paused. “Fine, forget the poppers, but I would buy one of these.” He signalled to a shelf of small bottles.
Connie scanned the names and lifted the strawberry spray, squirting some onto her wrists and rubbing them together.
“Darling!” shrieked Ryan.
“What?” Connie felt the tackiness start to form on her skin.
“You’re spraying lube like it’s perfume!”
“It says strawberry spray to excite her.”
“Yes, but not in an aphrodisiac kind of way. She’s not going to smell the strawberry spray perfume on your skin made by loo-bay, and go weak at the knees.” He pointed between her legs. “You use it down there.”
She pulled her wrists apart, staring at the shiny snail-trail like shimmer. “Why would I need this?”
Ryan mouthed his words. “The more mature lady can sometimes suffer with dryness.”
“She’s thirty-five!”
“So use it to widen your path.”
“What path?”
He took Connie’s hand and pulled her to the back of the shop, pointing up at the wide variety of objects. “This path. We’ve got bullets, rabbits, wands, dildos, cocks, cocks with balls, cocks with veins, cocks with foreskins, cocks that are snipped.” He paused. “A big black cock, and a fist.”
“Oh god, I’m right back where I started.”
“Okay,” he said, nodding at the shelves, “she wants you inside her. You’ve got the loo-bay spray, so let’s start with something simple.” He picked up one of the flesh-coloured dildos.
Connie gasped. “That wouldn’t fit in a fucking horse!”
“It’s a double-ender. You both hop on and ride it like you’re at the rodeo.”
“What?”
He put it back on the shelf. “Okay darling, we’re going to have to go back to basics.” Walking down the aisle he shook his head at each implement. “So that’s a no to the clit clamps, a no to the doggy strap, a no to the chain flogger, a definite no to the nipple enlargers - I’ve already seen the size of your babies, peepo!”
Connie hit him on the shoulder. “Just find me something simple. What’s this? This looks okay.”
“Darling, that’s a butt plug.” He reached up to the shelf. “And look, you could be the kitten, this one’s got a tail.”
“A butt plug with tail? Why would anyone want to use that?”
“Anal toys are great.” He winked. “Pain in the arse when you can’t find the right size though.”
“Oh Ryan, I’d have been better off without you.”
“No you wouldn’t, you’d have ended up with a muzzle and a crop flogger.”
“A what? I just need something I can put inside her. Anything.”
“Fine then. I’d go for the love eggs and if you get the remote control ones you can pop them in, head home and switch them on from the safety of your sofa.”
“Why would I do that? And what are love eggs anyway?”
“They’re vagina balls, darling. And I’m saying that because you’re not really feeling this.” He started to thrust his hips. “You should be wanting to pump yourself into her, deeper, harder.” His eyes lit up. “We’ll get you a strap-on!”
****
Connie was standing in the changing rooms with the same white nappy on display, this time bound up by black leather. She stared at her reflection. “I look like a tit.”
Ryan grabbed hold of the hard erection that was sticking out from between her legs. “No, you look like a cock, on lesbian legs, and she’ll love it.”
Connie held her hair back and looked down at the huge protrusion of plastic. “Am I meant to wear this under my clothes?”
“No of course not. You turn on the DVD, slip out to the bathroom, pop it on, lube it up, and away you go.”
“It all sounds rather segmented. Maria said lesbian sex was the most sensuous act I’d ever experience.”
“She’ll probably be giving you poppers.”
“What?”
“Nothing, you’re fine, just buy it.” He pushed his way out of the curtains, dramatically wiping the non-existent sweat from his brow. “And we are done.”
Connie looked at herself in the mirror, turning side on and attempting to thrust. “Oh god,” she gasped, too embarrassed to watch her reflection. She reached down f
or the buckle on the side of her hip and tugged on the hard leather. “Ryan, wait. I’m struggling.” She tried again, but the buckle was locked. “Ryan!” She stuck her head out between the curtains, pulling them taut round her neck as she looked left and right.
“Connie, is that you?” Maria appeared. “I thought I saw Ryan. Hey, it is you.” She smiled. “What a pleasant surprise.”
Connie’s face flushed to what she knew would be beetroot colour. “I’m… I’ve got… There’s a hen party next month, fancy dress.” She stared helplessly at Maria, conscious that her shopping basket was on the floor.
Maria smiled. “Oh great. I love this shop.”
Connie kept the curtains tight around her neck. “Really?”
“Yes, for one reason, and one reason only. The batteries. They’re the cheapest on the high street. You know what it’s like having a three-year-old with electronic toys. You need a constant supply.” She lowered her voice. “The rest of this stuff’s a bit dodgy though. Fine for hen weekends,” she added quickly.
Connie nodded, shifting her weight from foot to foot as she spoke. “She wants us to dress up.”
“Ooo, can I see?” asked Maria, glancing down at the curtain.
Connie lost her attention. “Maria!”
“Well hello there!”
“Ignore the basket. It’s Ryan. He’s messing around.”
“What basket?”
Connie looked around outside the cubicle, confused; there was no basket. “Oh, he must have taken it to pay. What were you…” Suddenly she felt the straps around her bottom begin to shake and a definite tightening occurring at her crotch. She scrunched up her face, finally daring to peep down. Her strap-on was sticking out between the curtains and was in Maria’s hand.
“Just shaking hands with your hard-on,” said Maria with a wicked smile.
“It’s not mine.”
Maria looked disbelieving and began to tug, pulling Connie’s hips forwards.
Connie remembered her nappy. “Okay! It’s mine, let go! Please. I’m embarrassed.”
Maria stepped back quickly. “Sorry, I was just…” She paused. “Connie, this isn’t for me, is it?”
Without further pretence, Connie pulled her bottom back into the cubicle, hiding the strap-on from view. “No, it’s for Ryan.”
“But he’s already got a…”
Ryan rounded the corner reading from the receipt. “So the sexy sets, luscious lube and dirty DVDs are on me, but you can pay for that bad boy.”
Connie closed the curtains completely and buried her face in them. “Oh hi Maria,” she heard Ryan say.
Chapter Thirty-One
Maria pulled sharply on the strap around Connie’s thigh. “This has to be secure.”
Connie nodded nervously. “You’re sure it’s on right?”
“I’ve fastened thousands of these things. Trust me, it’s on right.”
“Okay, where do I start?”
Maria nodded. “Just take it slowly, and don’t be scared. It’s all about trust. You can do this, Connie, I know you can.”
“So I make the first move?”
“Of course you do. I just respond to your rhythm.”
Connie looked up at the colourful climbing wall in front of her. “Right,” she said, tugging her harness once more. “You promise you’ll keep that rope taut?”
“I told you, I’ll respond to your rhythm, and when you get to the top you lean backwards so I can lower you.”
Connie took a deep breath and reached out for the first red bump, hauling herself up with her fingertips. “When you told me to bring three different outfits I never imagined the shorts and t-shirt were for traversing Mount Everest.”
“This is wall one. The basic boulder climb. Up next we have slabs, cracks, overhangs, and arêtes.”
“Great.”
“Trust me, it’s a buzz. I used to come here most weekends before Alice. It’s the best indoor climbing centre in London.” She paused. “What were you hoping the shorts and t-shirt were for?”
“Oh I don’t know, a spot of leisurely tennis, or maybe some pool-side attire at a beautiful spa.” Connie reached up for the second coloured hold and slipped, dropping back down onto the mat. “You said you’d save me!”
“You weren’t even a foot off the floor.” Maria pulled on her rope, tugging Connie back towards the wall. “Let’s get you started.”
Connie felt the harness tighten around her bottom as her body started to rise. “Ooo, this is more like it.” She reached for the holds, securing her trainers onto a ridge in the wall. “What now?”
“Now you climb.”
“Where?”
“To the top.”
“Can’t you just pull me up?”
Maria laughed. “Come on, you’ll feel a real sense of achievement when you reach the red button.”
“Is that a euphemism for something?” Connie made a play for the bump above her, straining as she made contact with her fingertips. “I know what this is. You’ve brought me here to strengthen the tendons in my fingers.”
“No need. Your strap-on can do all the work.”
Connie laughed out loud, losing her grip and falling away from the wall. “Maria!”
“What? Grab back on.” She kept the rope taut until Connie had regained her position. “You’re the one who bought it.”
“I nearly bought it, and only because Ryan told me to.”
“And what does Ryan know about lesbian sex?”
“Lots apparently, but I’m a bit concerned about these party poppers going off in my...” She wiggled her bottom in her harness.
Maria laughed. “The view I have from down here. Sorry! No, don’t look down! Concentrate!” She waited for Connie to get back into her rhythm. “Gay men and gay sex are a totally different entity. Now, when it comes to us lesbians…” She raised her voice as Connie continued to climb. “Don’t get me wrong, one day I might ask you to go back and buy that bad boy, but for the moment I’d prefer to keep things simple.”
“Stop it, you’re putting me off.”
“And poppers are things people sniff to relax.”
“Maria!”
“What? Once I’ve finished with you, you won’t need any relaxing.”
Connie felt the harness tighten around her crotch, imagining what it must feel like to have Maria finish with her. “Pull me up a bit more?” she asked.
“No, you’re almost there.”
Connie discarded her daydream and focused back on the wall. “Ooo yes, I’m quite high, aren’t I?”
“I told you this would be fun. Go on. Go for that pink hold. That’s it. Now the yellow one. And reach.”
The buzzer sounded out and Connie grinned from ear to ear, looking down at Maria on the mat below. “I did it!”
“Well done! That’s amazing. Now hold on to your rope and lean back. That’s it. Use your feet to step back down the wall.”
“I’m abseiling!”
“You’re abseiling brilliantly!”
Connie dropped back onto the mat, turning herself into Maria’s arms. “You’re so sweet to me.”
“No, that was brilliant,” said Maria, hugging her tightly.
“It was all of ten metres.”
“That wall’s three actually, but it’s a start, and a great one at that.”
Connie reached out and flicked the dark ponytail. “You look cute with your hair up. It really shows off your eyes.”
Maria smiled. “Can I kiss you?”
“Where did that come from?”
“The moment. So can I?”
“I’m…” Connie glanced around at the indoor centre and clusters of climbers making their way up a variety of brightly coloured boulders. “I’m not sure if we…”
“Life’s short,” she said, taking hold of Connie’s neck and bringing their lips close together.
Connie moved into the embrace, closing her eyes, getting lost in the soft skin and warm breath. “And stop,” she finally managed.
Maria smiled. “I love this.”
“What?”
“The fact you’re so open.”
Connie rolled her eyes at herself. “God, imagine what I’d be like if I wasn’t fresh out of a relationship? If I wasn’t still wary of people seeing me.” She laughed. “I’d probably be taking you up against that boulder in full view of everyone here.”
“I look forward to that day.”
“It’s true! I’m usually so shy and self-conscious, but I seem to lose everything around you.”
“Would you walk down the street holding my hand?”
“Right now? Yes probably.”
“Ha, no I mean if we are ever a couple.”
“Of course! I’d be proud to show you off.” She smiled and unhooked her carabiner, freeing herself from the rope. “I’ve never felt like that before.”
“I think this is the most full-on first date I’ve ever been on,” said Maria, repeating the action and walking them both away from the wall.
“Am I full-on? Is this too much? You’ve told me to always be honest.”
“Sorry, not full-on, maybe fast-moving.”
“Too fast?”
Maria pulled a face. “We’ve not even got past first base. Come on, let’s try this wall next.”
“We have children. We might never get past first base.”
“That’s why I planned the day like this. I thought we’d do everything we can’t do when they’re here. Dangerous sports in the morning. Spa in the afternoon.”
“We’re going to a spa?”
“There’s one next door. It’s only small but we’re booked in for massages and facials.”
“Together?”
“Of course.”
“Oh Maria, you’re so good.”
“I just wanted to arrange a fun day-date. Then after the spa you’ll change into your second outfit for tonight’s meal.”
“But you won’t tell me where we’re going?”
“Nope, and your third outfit’s for tomorrow.”
“Surely I’ll be at home tomorrow morning to get myself changed?”
Maria responded to Connie’s sarcasm with a look of scepticism. “You think?”