This Book Will Change Your Life

by Amanda Weaver

  Jasmine is lying on her bed on her stomach, reading her Intro to World Cultures book and pointedly not indulging my need for a distraction. This is why Jasmine will rule the world one day; she physically can’t procrastinate.

  There’s a knock on our door, and I start to get up, but Jasmine stops me with a look.

  “No way. I’ll get it. You finish reading.”

  She’s really no fun at all, but I refocus on Beowulf with a sigh. Jasmine rounds the corner into the vestibule where the door is.

  “Hey, you must be Jasmine,” the visitor says. That voice is familiar, but I can’t quite place it.

  “Can I help you with something?” Jasmine asks. Her voice is sharp, and I can almost see the withering stare she’s giving the guy.

  “I’m just dropping something off for Hannah.”

  I scramble off the bed and hurry to the vestibule. She’s blocking the door like a one-woman army, but it’s John, Ben’s roommate. My heart plunges. Why the hell has John come to see me?

  “John, what are you… Is Ben okay?”

  He cracks a small smile. “Ben’s fine. He just asked me to bring you this.”

  John holds out a present with almost more tape than wrinkled wrapping paper. Jasmine looks like she’d like to lop off John’s arm as he reaches past her to hand it to me. Judging from the shape and weight, it’s a book. Ben picked out another book for me?

  “Why…” I take a shaky breath. “Why didn’t he bring it himself?”

  John smiles again and shakes his head. “I don’t know a thing. Just open your book, Hannah. I’ll see you around, okay? See you, Jasmine.”

  She snorts dismissively and closes the door in his face, then rounds on me. “What is it?”

  I carry the package back to my bed. My hands are shaking, and I really need to sit down. “A book.”

  Her eyes narrow. “Why is he giving you a book?”

  “He always gave me books,” I whisper.

  She drops down onto my bed next to me. “Well, open it!”

  Easier said than done. I have to break through all the tape first, but finally I wrestle it free and flip it over to read the cover. Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. A used copy. A very used copy. It’s got dozens of dog-eared corners and little slips of paper are tucked everywhere between the pages. I thumb the edges and gloss over hundreds of penciled notes in the margins in Ben’s handwriting. This is his book, not just a copy from the store.

  I open the front cover, and a piece of paper flutters into my lap.

  Dear Hannah,

  Do you remember the first time you came into Prometheus? I’ll never forget that day. You asked me which book was my favorite, and I laughed and said that was an impossible question. But that was an academic answer, and the truth is, I do have a favorite book, one I love more than anything I’ve ever read. This is the one. I’ve read it a thousand times, but now, more than ever, I’d like to read it with you. Reading everything is better with you.

  If you think you can forgive me, you know where to find me. Until then, I’ll be waiting for you.

  Love,

  Ben

  My eyes burn, and my throat aches with the tears I’m determined not to shed. The words blur on the page as I blink, trying to hold it in. I stare at his note, rereading it while Jasmine unabashedly peers over my shoulder.

  “He wants to read it with you?” she says. “What the hell does that mean?”

  I throw my hands in the air. “I have no idea! What am I supposed to do with that? What does he want?”

  Jasmine takes the copy of Infinite Jest and flips dismissively through the pages. “If he was going to send you a book, the least he could do was buy you a new copy.”

  Despite my confusion and rioting emotions, I rescue it from her and then cradle it in my lap. “No, it’s better used.”

  “It is?”

  “It has more than one story to tell.”

  She just stares at me. I flip through the book again, skimming all the things Ben has said about this book during his rereads, all his thoughts tucked into the pages alongside the words.

  “What’s the other story it’s telling?” Jasmine finally asks.

  “I’m not sure,” I whisper. “But I think I need to find out.” I stuff the book into my messenger bag and reach for my coat.

  “Wait a minute,” Jasmine protests. “Where are you going?”

  I point at my bag because it’s so obvious, at least to me. “Prometheus.”

  She frowns. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? He’s already hurt you plenty.”

  I nod. “And it might hurt some more. But I won’t know unless I go. He’s trying to say something. I should at least find out what it is.”

  She still looks skeptical. “Do you want me to come along? I’m excellent at ass-kicking.”

  I smile. “I appreciate the offer, but I’m pretty sure this is just between Ben and me.”

  “Don’t…”

  I raise an eyebrow at her, waiting for the rest.

  She sighs. “Just be careful. You’re finally starting to figure out what you want. Don’t forget all of that just for him.”

  “I won’t.”

  “And call me. I want details.”

  When I left our dorm room, I was sure I needed to do this, but as I get closer to Prometheus, my confidence flags. I’m not sure what Ben is trying to say with that note. He misses me? Misses reading with me? Yeah, me, too. But what is he asking? Does he want to try to recapture that despite what’s happened and what he’s chosen? I can’t do that. And if he suggests we go back to being friends, there’s no way on earth I’m agreeing.

  I don’t know what he means, and I won’t until I ask him, which means I need to go in the store. The unassuming wood and glass door of Prometheus hovers in front of me like a gauntlet to be run.

  I’ll be okay. Seeing him, talking to him, might be hard. Hell, it might be awful. But if there’s one thing I learned from this year of not talking to my dad about what mattered, it’s that keeping it all inside doesn’t solve anything, and in the end, it eats you away. For better or for worse, I need to face Ben.

  I take a deep breath, seize the door handle, yank the door open, and stride into the store, the tiny bell tinkling as I enter.

  Ben seems to be the only person inside, and he’s behind the register, typing something into the computer. My stupid heart flops hopelessly in my chest. God, I miss him.

  He looks up at the bell, and his face transforms. His dark eyes widen, and if my heart plunged when I saw him, it stops completely when I lock eyes with him. Everything about him is so precious and familiar. His dark hair is too long and a mess, his glasses are slightly askew, and he probably hasn’t shaved today. He looks perfect.

  “Hannah,” he says on an exhale, like he can scarcely believe I’m here. He scrambles out from behind the counter, hurries across the front of the store, and stops just a couple feet away. “You came.”

  I pull his book from my bag. “I got your present.”

  “Did you like it?”

  I scowl. “I’m not sure I understand it. Why did you give me this? And why did you make John bring it?”

  He looks down at the floor, fidgeting nervously. “I wanted to talk to you here. It felt right. This place is… It’s us, you know?”

  My eyes burn but I won’t cry. How dare he say stuff like that to me now? I swallow hard to keep the tears at bay. “Yeah, it was.”

  Ben winces at the past tense. “Look, Hannah.” He takes a deep breath, like he’s about to jump into deep, cold water. “I’m sorry. I was totally and completely wrong. I was an idiot.”

  I frown. “About which part?”

  “For the law school thing. For not telling you about the law school thing. I kept thinking I’d figure out a way out of it and wouldn’t have to tell you, but there wasn’t a way out. And I should have told you. You deserved my honesty.”

  I hesitate. “You’re right. It was shitty not to tell me about it. You treated me
like a kid you couldn’t trust.”

  He shakes his head sadly. “I never thought of you as a kid, not even when I tried to.”

  “I’ve been handling some adult shit for a long time. I could have handled your stuff, too, if you’d just told me about it.” My raw emotions bubble to the surface, and my eyes sting again.

  Ben winces and looks at his feet. “I know. I’m sorry. I think the last few months have proved that you’re much better at handling life stuff than I am.”

  Seeing the slump of his shoulders and the strain and defeat in his voice snuffs out that last tiny flare of anger. He’s really sorry—staying mad at him would just be spiteful and won’t change anything. I sigh. “It’s okay.”

  Ben looks up again, examining me closely. “Okay?”

  I look down at the copy of Infinite Jest. I think I get it now. It was his peace offering, showing me he values what we had in the beginning, even if it didn’t work out. I value it, too—more than he’ll ever realize. “I appreciate the apology. I hope it works out for you.”

  He frowns. “You hope what works out?”

  “Law school. Good luck. I really mean that this time.”

  “Oh.” Ben shifts and smiles slightly, reaching up to scratch behind his ear. “About that… I’m not going.”

  I blink. What the hell is he talking about? All of this happened because he had to go. And just like that, now he’s not? “What do you mean? Did you not get in or something?”

  “No, I got in. But I’m not going.”

  He sounds really sure of himself—resolved, even. When we broke up, he told me he didn’t have a choice. So what changed?

  “What about your dad?”

  “He’s fucking furious. I don’t think he’s speaking to me anymore. I haven’t exactly called to check.”

  “But what about the money? I thought you said he’d cut you off.”

  “He did. I mean, I assume so. Like I said, we haven’t talked to nail down the details of my banishment.”

  I can’t believe what he’s saying. Ben just cut all ties with his family to avoid going to law school? But I suppose he’s always known exactly who he is—He knew in his heart law school was a mistake. With this huge step, everything’s different now.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Graduate school, here at Arlington State. Like I wanted.” His eyes are bright with excitement, but I don’t miss the nervous smile.

  “How?”

  “I’ve applied for a graduate assistantship, which will hopefully help a lot. And I’ll have to work my ass off to pay for the rest.”

  “You already put in a million hours here, Ben. You couldn’t work more here if you tried.”

  “Well, that’s the other thing. I just put in my notice.”

  “Your notice for what?”

  “I quit Prometheus. I was writing up a handbook for whoever replaces me when you came in. Ralph’s hiring, if you’re interested.”

  I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. This store without Ben just doesn’t exist in my mind. Why would he do something so drastic, something that must have been painful for him? “But you love it here.”

  He looks around wistfully. “I do, but Ralph pays for shit. He’s the first to admit it. I need to make more now that I’m actually supporting myself. It’s fine. He gets it.”

  “What are you gonna do instead?”

  He grins at me—a smile that still gives me butterflies—and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a laminated red nametag from World of Books with his name on it.

  I gasp. “No way!” I snatch it out of his hand to examine it. It’s the real thing, brand new and shiny and reads, “Ben, World of Books Sales Associate.”

  “I thought you hated this place!”

  “I did hate them. Now I’m a member of the World of Books team. They might be soulless, capitalist swine, but they pay pretty well. Plus they have benefits. I’m pretty sure I just got kicked off my parents’ health insurance.”

  I laugh in disbelief. “Jesus, you’re serious about this.”

  “Yeah, I am.”

  I hand his tag back and beam at him. “Wow, that’s great. You’re really going after this.” I’m so proud of him for coming to his senses and fighting for his dream.

  “That’s not all I’m going after.” Ben takes a deep breath and points to the book he sent me. “I didn’t send that to you just because I thought you’d find it entertaining, Hannah.”

  I look down at the ratty book in my hands.

  “That book is probably my most prized possession,” he says. “And I want you to have it.”

  I don’t know what to say, but I don’t need to, because Ben’s not done. “Hannah, I’m sorry about everything. But the thing I’m most sorry about is losing you.”

  “Ben, I—”

  “Just let me say this. You were right to walk out on me. I was fucking up hopelessly. A year from now, or maybe two years or five or ten, I’d have looked around and not recognized myself. It took losing you to make me see what I was doing, what I was losing, and for something that was so…screw the money. That’s not important, but you’re everything. I quit all of it—the money, law school, my shitty family, Prometheus—just hoping I could get back the one thing that really mattered. You.”

  I shake my head. While this whole thing makes my heart want to explode, it’s too much. “Ben, you can’t do all that just for me.”

  He smiles. “I know. I did it for me, so I can be the guy you fell for last fall and not the asshole who screwed it up last month. I don’t want to live the rest of my life as that guy. You always saw the very best version of me, Hannah. I’ll do whatever it takes to be him. For you, but also for me.”

  I can’t fight back tears anymore. They slip from under my lashes, streaking down my face. He’s saying every right and perfect thing, but he was about to turn his back on me once to do what he thought was right, and I’m still scared he might do it again. After all there was—

  “What about Alex?”

  Ben frowns. “Alex? What does she have to do with anything?”

  “I saw you with her,” I blurt out.

  Ben looks confused for a second, and then he bursts out laughing. “Oh, no. I mean, yeah, there was an awkward minute or two, but I didn’t—and she didn’t really—and just…no. Actually, Alex was the one to shake some fucking sense into me.”

  “What?”

  “She pointed out, very wisely, that I’m still in love with you, and I’d be an idiot to let you get away just to follow somebody else’s dream.”

  “Oh.” It comes out as more of a breathy sigh than a word. “That was very smart of her.”

  “Alex is smart. But not for me.” Ben reaches out and brushes a tear off my cheek, and his hand lingers, almost cupping my face but not quite. All the nerve endings in my skin come alive at the gentle touch of his fingers. “I’ve already found the girl for me. I just hope I haven’t fucked it up too badly to fix.”

  He says it like a question, and I want to tell him no, it’s not too late, but I can’t speak because I’m crying too hard. Ben hesitantly reaches for me with his other hand and holds my face gently in his palms.

  “It’s not going to be easy, Hannah. I’m going to have to work every waking hour next year just to keep my head above water. I don’t have a single thing to offer but that stupid used book. But I hope you’ll take it, and me. Because if you’ll start over with me, I’ll try my damndest to deserve it this time.”

  My fingers worry the ragged edges of Infinite Jest. “Will this book change my life?” I whisper.

  Ben tries to suppress his smile and fails miserably. “I hope it changes your whole life.”

  Then Ben pulls me into his arms and kisses me, crushing the book between us. And oh, I’ve missed this. The way he turns my knees to jelly every time our lips touch, the feel of our breath mingling together, and wow, I’ve really missed that thing he does with his tongue. He slides one hand back to cradle my
head, his fingers tangling in my hair, and kisses me harder. All the pent up wanting, all that desperation from being apart comes through in that kiss.

  I want to drag him out of here, back to his apartment where we can make up properly, or maybe even just upstairs to the loft, but the stupid little brass bell over the door tinkles, announcing the arrival of a customer.

  We pull back, both of us dazed and a little flushed, staring at each other. The customer clears their throat, and I tear my eyes away from Ben’s gorgeous face and ruffled hair to see who’s come in.

  A man stands just inside the door, and I’m pretty sure wherever he was headed, wandering into Prometheus was a mistake, because he doesn’t belong here at all. He’s tall, well over six feet, and broad, in a brawny, thick-necked way. His sandy blond hair is cropped and conservative, matching his expensive-looking gray suit and black wool overcoat. His shiny leather shoes stand out harshly against Prometheus’s faded, scuffed oak floors. What could Prometheus have to offer this guy?

  Ben coughs softly. I wait for him to give his polite “Can I help you, sir?” But instead, he says, “Dad? What are you doing here?”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Ben

  Dad looks utterly out of place surrounded by heaps of dusty, old books that feel like home to me. He’s never been in Prometheus before— Hell, he hasn’t been to Arlington at all outside of dropping me off freshman year and the first parents’ weekend.

  I haven’t spoken to him since I walked out of that restaurant in Chicago. I’ve done my best to focus on what I needed to do and not to dwell on my family drama. But the drama must be ongoing if my father is standing in the middle of fucking Prometheus.

  Dad’s eyes flick from me to Hannah and back again, and he shakes his head.

  “Should have known this was all about some goddamn girl.”

  “What? Dad, is everything okay?”

  He narrows his eyes and cocks his head slightly. “You’re going to ask me that after the way you walked out on dinner with Richard?”