For Now, for Always

by Lynn Turner

“Mom?” Scott spoke up tentatively, “He really did say he’d be glad to come in and stay with us. Do you have to tell him not to?”

  Lacey looked down at the appeal on the two faces raised to her and wavered in indecision. Be honest, she told herself. You just don t want Neil to get a toehold in this house. You’re afraid he’ll move in, and you won’t be able to get him out again.

  “Oh, all right,” she began to capitulate, but the peal of the doorbell inside interrupted before she could finish.

  The boys dashed past her to answer it, and by the time Lacey pulled the sliding patio door shut behind her they were dragging Neil into the dinette. He was laughing at something Scott had just said when he suddenly looked up and their eyes met, Lacey felt a tightness in her chest and throat as the smile slowly left his face and something much more intense appeared in his eyes.

  “Hi,” he said softly. “Sitter’s here.”

  “I’m sorry to inconvenience you like this, especially on such short notice,” she said awkwardly. There was nothing she could do about the huskiness in her voice; she just hoped Neil wouldn’t notice it, or if he did he wouldn’t guess the reason for it. “I didn’t know they’d called you until I got home.”

  “It’s no inconvenience,” he denied, then grinned down at the boys, who beamed back at him. “Besides, I owe these two for the work they’ve put in this week.” He looked back at Lacey, one brow lifting in question. “What time does your meeting start?”

  She glanced at her watch. “In half an hour. If I don’t hurry, I’ll be late. Their supper’s in the oven, and they know where everything else is. There should be plenty, in case you haven’t eaten.”

  She walked past him to go collect her shoes from the living room and heard him tell the boys to start getting out plates and silverware. He’s learning, she thought in amusement, and a small smile curved her lips as she straightened with the shoes in her hand. Neil was standing in the living-room door, frowning.

  “You look bushed,” he said flatly,

  “I am,” Lacey replied as she sat down to pull her shoes on again.

  “Then why don’t you skip this hen party and stay home?”

  “This ‘hen party’—” she bristled “—happens to be with a group of businesswomen who are working to improve the quality of our community services. And as I happen to be the president,” she continued angrily, “I can hardly stay home just because I’m a little tired. How many meetings have you missed with the excuse that you’d already put in a long day?”

  “That’s different,” Neil claimed. “I had a business to run, and it was important to keep up my contacts.”

  “Will you listen to yourself!” Lacey rose in her anger to face him. “What do you think I’m doing, Neil, flitting around town like some kind of social butterfly? / run a business, too, in case it’s slipped your mind. I also earn a very respectable living, and I support two children and make the payments on this house and that car sitting in the driveway. I strongly resent the implication that because I’m a woman, nothing I do can be taken seriously. Do you think I’m just playing at being a grown-up, Neil, dressing up in high heeis and trotting off to work every day just to fill the time between tea parties and bridge games?”

  “No, of course that’s not what I think.” Neil ran an impatient hand through his hair. “But like you said.

  you’ve got two children to raise, and how much time do you get to spend with them? I’ll bet you’ve seen them altogether less than an hour today, Lacey, and God knows how much this week. If you’re not at the office, you’re off at some committee meeting or showing a piece of real estate to a potential buyer,”

  Her lips clamped together, a sign of her cold fury, “Are you saying you consider me a bad mother, Neil?” she demanded curtly. “Do you actually have the gall to stand there and accuse me of neglecting my children? The poor little things seem deprived to you, do they7” Her short laugh revealed her irritation. “You really are something. I’ve been both mother and father to them for more than seven years, and suddenly you’re the expert on child rearing!”

  Tears of anger glistened in her eyes, but beneath the outrage she was deeply hurt. Did he think she wouldn’t like to have more time to spend with the boys? She snatched at every available minute, trying to cram as much as she could into what time they did have together, but she knew that the necessity of providing for them had cheated her of many priceless moments that could never be recaptured. Still, that didn’t give Neil the right to criticize. While she had been slaving and worrying about the bills, doing the best she could under sometimes rotten conditions, he had been blithely ignorant of his sons’ very existence, going his own merry way in comfort and luxury.

  “I’m not setting myself up as any kind of expert,” he said quietly. “And I certainly wouldn’t ever accuse you of being a bad mother, Lacey. Considering the odds against you, it’s a miracle the boys have turned out so well adjusted and happy. You’ve done a terrific job with them, and I know it hasn’t been easy. But, dammit!” he suddenly swore with surprising vehemence. “There are more important things than career success and the selfish kind of gratification that comes with it! Prestige and respect don’t take the place of human warmth and affection, and all the money in the world is cold comfort when you look around and realize it’s all you’ve got to show for your life—that if you died tomorrow, there wouldn’t be a soul whose life would be affected for more than a couple of weeks!”

  Lacey stared at him in stunned silence. Was this Neil Hfartmann talking? The same Neil Hartmann who’d been so busy-running his company that he hadn’t even had time for a honeymoon? The Neil Hartmann who ate lunch at his desk when he bothered to eat at all, because he couldn’t spare half an hour to go out7

  She shook her head in bewilderment. “I know all that, Neil.”

  “Do you? Do you, really, Lacey?” His voice shook with intensity.

  “Yes. I do. I’m not obsessed with my job, it’s just that I have to spend a lot of time at it, But at least twice a year I take off for a week and let Rick run things so the boys and I can get away together. They mean more to me than any career ever could,” she told him sincerely.

  “I guess I knew that. It’s just …” Neil looked up at her suddenly, the undisguised appeal in his eyes causing Lacey’s breathing to falter.

  “Lacey,” he began, and the yearning in his voice combined with the heartfelt look he was giving her were more than her already frayed nerves could take. She was suddenly afraid—not in a physical sense, but of the demands she sensed he was about to make on her emotionally. She quickly glanced at her watch and used the time as an excuse to flee his disturbing presence.

  After the day she’d already put in and then the angry confrontation with Neil, Lacey expected to have a thoroughly rotten time at the meeting. True, she didn’t arrive in the best of moods, but as they worked their way down the agenda and she was reminded of all the positive work this group had done for the community, her spirits lifted.

  Darn him—she wished he could be at this “hen party” to see and hear for himself exactly what could be accomplished by a group of dedicated, hardworking women! But of course he wasn’t here, because he’d stayed home to watch his sons—their sons, she amended with an involuntary inner softening.

  They loved him so much, and it was obvious to anyone who cared to look that he was absolutely crazy about them. There was such joy in his eyes when they rested on his children, and sometimes a wondering, almost awestruck delight, as if he could hardly believe they were really his. He hung on their every word, watched them as if he’d never get his fill, finding excuses to touch them. The boys weren’t nearly so reticent. They needed no excuse to throw themselves at his legs or climb onto his lap, small arms fastening around him tightly,

  Lacey smiled softly to herself, feeling the relaxing deep down inside her, unaware of the speculative looks her almost madonnalike expression was drawing from the other women. If she’d happened to catch sight of her own
reflection in a mirror at that moment, she’d have been stunned by what her luminous eyes and gently curved lips gave away.

  It was almost nine when she returned home. The sound of the television ted her downstairs to the family room, and she stopped in the doorway, her eyes misting at the sight before her.

  Neil sat on the couch, each of his arms around a pa jama-clad twin snuggled up against him in sleep. Scott had climbed onto his lap, and Todd’s compact little body was arranged in a position that could only be comfortable for a child, his legs stretched out to one side while his upper body leaned against his father’s chest. Lacey came quietly into the room and Neil looked up, a smile i ighting his eyes as he saw her.

  “What’s this, a slumber party7” she whispered in amusement.

  “Don’t blame them for not being in bed,” he whispered back. “It’s not their fault their old man’s a pushover. How’d the meeting go?”

  “Fine.” It struck Lacey how silly it was to be conducting a conversation in whispers, and she grinned. “We got a lot accomplished.” She perched on the arm of the couch to remove her shoes and wiggle her toes with a heartfelt sigh of relief. “Come on, you take Scotty and I’ll get Todd,”

  “No, stay there,” Neil said as he eased away from Todd, and the boy slumped onto the cushions. “I’ll come back for him.”

  Lacey shook her head. “I’m used to carrying them.”

  After the boys had been put to bed he took her hand and led her back to the family room.

  “Sit there,” he ordered, indicating the couch. “I’ve kept your dinner warm.”

  Lacey sank gratefully onto the plump sofa cushions as Neil left the room. He came back a few minutes later bearing a tv tray with a serving of Mrs. Moore’s tuna casserole and a bowl of salad, along with two glasses of iced tea. He sipped at one to keep her company while she ate, then took the tray back to the kitchen.

  When he returned he casually took a seat beside her and then just as casually reached down to draw her feet onto his lap. Lacey tensed slightly with nervousness, but he only started to gently but firmly massage her aching feet.

  “Women have got to be idiots to wear those things,” he muttered, nodding at the high-heeled sandals she’d left lying on the floor. “It’s a wonder you don’t break your neck, staggering around on those stilts.”

  “Women have always sacrificed comfort for fashion,” she agreed ruefully, “and probably always will. Oh, that feels good.” She sighed deliciously.

  “What you need’s a tub of hot water to soak ‘em in,” Neil suggested, then suddenly grinned, surprising her.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Oh, I was just thinking. Do you realize how much like an old married couple we sound? First that argument before you left, and just now? Only the thing is I get the feeling I’m coming off more like the nagging wife, and you do a dandy impression of a hassled husband.”

  “You’re right,” she admitted. “The way you lit into me about not spending enough time with the kids did sound just like a nagging wife. And when I came in, you asked me how my meeting went.”

  “I even brought you supper in front of theTV,” Neil reminded her, his eyes twinkling.

  “So you did. I never thought I’d live to see the day,” Lacey teased. “Neil Hartmann, househusband. Next thing I know, you’ll be doing the laundry and making the beds.”

  “Don’t hold your breath,” he muttered as his hands shifted upward to knead the tensed muscles of her calves. “But I am sorry I was so rough on you before.” He gave her a regretful smile. “The problem is, / want to be the one to take care of you all. I’d like you to be dependent on me as provider, but I’m beginning to realize that’s just not possible. You’ve been on your own too long to just turn yourself over to somebody else,”

  “Do you really understand that, Neil?” Lacey asked softly. Have you really come that far, that you can appreciate what my independence means to me? Can you accept the fact that I can take care of myself and the boys, and the pride it gives me?”

  “I think so,” he murmured, then smiled crookedly.

  “I’m not saying I like it, but I do accept it. The trouble is, if I can’t buy you with a pampered life of luxury, what the hell am I supposed to use to convince you you’d be better off with me than without me?”

  Lacey suddenly felt poised on the brink of something enormous, something that could change her whole life. A wild kind of exhilaration pulsed through her veins and shimmered in her eyes as they met his.

  “What makes you think you need to offer anything more than yourself?” she asked in a husky whisper.

  Neil’s eyes dropped, but not before she saw the discouraged look in them. “I’m not about to con myself into believing that would be enough,” he said harshly. “The last time, I—”

  Lacey impulsively laid a hand on his arm to cut him off. “That was then, Neil,” she told him softly. “This is now.”

  His head came up slowly. His eyes were guarded, cautious as they searched hers. He didn’t speak, and Lacey was glad. Words might have shattered the fragile, almost magical spell she could feel weaving its way around them. He leaned toward her slowly— almost foo slowly—until their lips were only an inch apart, and she could feel his warm breath on her face. Lacey knew the next move was up to her. With only a momentary flutter of apprehension, she made it, closing the distance between them. When she opened her eyes they were both lying on the couch, face to face. One of Neil’s arms was under her, holding her close against him, and his other hand was tenderly stroking her face. He brushed soft kisses across her cheeks and forehead, then pulled back to look deep into her eyes.

  “Are you afraid?”

  Lacey moved her head in denial. “Nervous, though,” she admitted, and her tongue came out to moisten her Hps. as if to give proof.

  Neil’s finger touched where her tongue had been. “That’s a very provocative, very sexy gesture, did you know that?” he murmured with a soft, heart-tugging smile.

  Her eyes widened anxiously. “N-no. I wasn’t trying to be provocative, or “

  “Shh, I was only teasing. And don’t be nervous. There’s no reason to be.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Lacey replied with some embarrassment. How ridiculous to be shy about lying in your own husband’s arms, she thought. The trouble was, she didn’t think of him as her husband anymore; he didn’t even feel like her husband.

  Neil’s smile warmed, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “You can joke. That’s a good sign. Now don’t panic,” as he gently put both arms around her, “but I’m going to kiss you. I mean really kiss you, like I’ve been wanting to ever since I got here tonight and saw you standing there in the doorway in your bare feet.”

  His mouth is so warm, so firm, so perfect, Lacey thought as her hands reached up to clasp his head; and then sensation crowded out all thought as she whirled weightless in a vortex of feeling, the strength of Neil’s arms the only security she needed or wanted. She was trembling when he finally eased his mouth from hers to plan* several light kisses over her face and neck.

  “Oh, I’ve missed that,” he breathed in her ear, and a shiver raced through her in response, “Baby, you’re shaking!”

  There was such a wealth of self-reproach in his deep voice that Lacey hurried to reassure him. “It’s all right. I admit I’m a little shook up, but I can handle it,” she toid him with a trace of dry humor.

  “Sure?” Neil asked in concern, and when she nodded he kissed her again, very softly, as he shifted a lit-tie to pillow her head with his shoulder. “Okay then, we’ll just lie here for a while, just like this. Are you comfortable?”

  “Physically or mentally?” Lacey quipped, and his arms contracted slightly as he dropped another kiss onto the top of her head.

  “I love you so much.” He sounded so sincere, so . humble, that Lacey’s breath caught, and she felt the sting of tears. Neil immediately looked down at her, the concern in his clouded eyes intensifying the rush of emotion his
words had generated,

  “What’s wrong?” he asked sharply.

  Lacey’s smile was a bit unsteady as she shook her head. “N-nothing. It’s just that I think I’m actually starting to believe you.”

  Neil’s hand trembled as he pressed her head to his chest, and his voice was rough with emotion. “Believe it, because it’s the truth!” He paused a moment to regain control, then grinned crookedly as he asked, “Would it help convince you if you kept hearing it over and over?” And then, before she could answer, he started telling her, interspersing his words with kisses that were too brief to do more than whet her appetite, “There, that should do it for a while,” he murmured as he settled her against his chest again.

  “You really take a girl by storm, don’t you?” Lacey said shakily as she nestled closer.

  “I can only hope,” Neil drawled. They lay silently for a while, and then he uttered a soft oath under his breath.

  “What7” Lacey mumbled drowsily.

  “I forgot to tell you. Mrs. Moore called while you were out. Her niece is going home to Chicago tomorrow, and they’ve invited her to come stay with them for a week or so. I told her to go and have a nice visit.”

  “You what?” Lacey was suddenly wide awake. “Neil, I’ll never find somebody else to stay with the boys on such short notice!”

  “What about Neil Hartmann, house husband?” he said with a grin.

  Lacey started to tell him he must be out of his mind, then reconsidered. She chewed her lower lip, and her eyes narrowed to hide their shrewd gleam.

  “Do you realize what you’d be letting yourself in for? Mrs. Moore doesn’t just keep an eye on them while I’m at work. She usually gives them their breakfast and lays out their clothes, and she also fixes lunch every day. And if I’m going to be late, she starts dinner for me.”

  “You don’t think I could manage7” he challenged.

  “I didn’t say that. Could you?” she countered.

  “There’s no doubt in my mind,” Neil replied confidently. Lacey smothered a smile as he swung his long legs off the couch and pulled her up to sit beside him. “You’re about to conk out. Get yourself off to bed. woman. I’ll let myself out. Oh, and I won’t be around tomorrow,” he said as he got to his feet. Lacey rose to stand beside him, tipping her head back to look up at him.