Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  Dr. Hudson cleared his throat, and we both turned to look at him like scolded children. “What about following up with your OB?”

  “I-I don’t have a doctor here… not yet. I never got around to it.”

  “How about I stop by to check on you?” He offered with a faint smile.

  “No.” Natalie and I said at the same time.

  “That’s really sweet of you, but it’s not necessary.” Natalie addressed the doctor then turned to me. “I’ll come stay at your house. End of discussion.” The look on Natalie’s face told me arguing would be futile.

  “Fine.” I folded my arms across my barely-there hospital gown. “Have it your way.”

  Natalie helped me settle into bed, fluffing my pillows for the third time.

  “Stop hovering.” I swatted her hands away from my blanket. Having her in my house, treating me like an invalid, was driving me crazy. “I still haven’t forgiven you for ambushing me. For going along with your buddy Dr. Hudson in his plot to keep me from having a meltdown in peace. It’s not even remotely fair for you to be such good friends with my doctor.”

  “We’re not really friends. I’ve known him for a while. He’s one of my regular customers—a coffee snob like you. He can’t stand the crap they serve at the hospital, so he comes in to the shop to fuel up before a long shift. But that had nothing to do with him saying you shouldn’t be alone. He’s a doctor. It’s his job to look out for his patients.” She watched me out of the corner of her eye. “Besides, I think he likes you. He’s usually reserved and much quieter.”

  “I’m married.” I swallowed against the knot in my throat. I reached toward David’s side of the bed and wrapped my fingers around his pillow, tugging it to my chest. “I mean, I still feel married.”

  “That’s not what I…” Natalie stopped fussing with my bedding and stared at me. “Oh, sweetie.” Her pity washed over me in waves.

  I punched the pillow then smoothed it out again, putting it behind my back. “No, don’t say it.”

  “I promise it’ll get easier.”

  I glared at her. Would I ever stop feeling as if my entire world had been yanked out from under me? “When? When I’m ancient and no one wants me anymore? Did I ever tell you how we met?”

  She sat on the edge of the bed and shook her head.

  “I was at a gaming con, trying to take down some sixteen-year-old kid playing Mystic Realms. I refused to get beat on a game I designed. The kid had mad skills, but I’d finally won, doing this ridiculous victory dance. David was there scoping out the competition, so he said. In retrospect, I should have known better. He barely even knew how to play a video game. I mean, seriously, the guy designed networking software. But he walked right up to me, with no preamble, and asked me to dinner. He said any woman able to hold her own against a teenage boy in Mystic Realms was worth getting to know. I didn’t tell him until months later it was actually my game.”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “You cheated!”

  “I did not.”

  “That kid didn’t have a chance. You wrote the program.” His eyes sparkled as he stared me down. “I’m impressed.”

  “He’ll think twice before underestimating a ‘girl’ next time.”

  “Clever and beautiful. I can only hope my daughter grows up to be as confident as you.”

  I wiped the tears from my cheeks as I realized David would never see his daughter again. Never know he’d lost his second child. That I’d lost his baby. “David was it for me. I’ll never find that again.”

  “You’re only twenty-seven. Eleven and a half months younger than I am, I might add, and if you even think about telling me there’s no chance of me finding Mr. Right, I’ll…I’ll stop making you coffee!”

  “Oh, no. Not the coffee.” Sarcasm hurt my insides, but it felt good to smile after so long. “I just don’t know how to be anymore.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Without him. I mean, I know we were married for barely three months, but even before then, we might have been apart for weeks at a time, but we talked every day. I’ve had to stop myself from dialing his number so many times in the past week. I have no idea how to be me without David.” The cracks spread a little further, and I fought to keep myself together. “And now I have this new empty place inside of me. How am I supposed to—ugh!”

  “I know it sounds cliché, but time really does heal all wounds. And David will always be part of you, just in a different way. And if the way Ben was purposely avoiding checking you out today is any indication, you’ll have no shortage of men banging down your door when you’re ready to receive them.” She waggled her eyebrows.

  I gaped at her and pulled the pillow from behind me to hug it to myself. “I’m not even remotely interested in receiving anyone.” Did she conveniently forget I’d just lost my baby? David’s baby. And I still had to come to some sort of decision about his daughter. I couldn’t begin to imagine what I would do about Maddie, and I wasn’t ready to think about it yet.

  “You will be. It’ll just take time.” Natalie swiped the TV remote from the bedside table. “How about a Cake Boss marathon? We can live vicariously and calorie free.”

  Late Thursday morning, Natalie bounded through the bedroom door with a huge grin plastered on her face. “You’ll never guess who’s here?”

  I stared at her but said nothing. The twinge in my stomach told me I wouldn’t like it.

  “Ben! He’s here to check on his favorite patient.” She bounced on her toes, reminding me of a high school cheerleader.

  “And how many phone calls did you have to make to get him here?” I narrowed my eyes and swallowed the string of curses straining to come out. “I don’t want to see him.”

  Natalie’s mouth dropped open. I almost believed the indignant expression. Almost. “Are you suggesting I had something to do with his visit today?”

  “Yes, I absolutely think you had something to do with his visit, and it’s not cute.” Tears of frustration filled my eyes but didn’t fall. How could she think for one minute…? “This isn’t some romance novel, where the handsome young doctor saves the day and rescues the poor widow. This is my life. I’m recovering from a miscarriage. And my husband just died! Even if I did want to get out there again someday, it wouldn’t be today. Less than a month after his funeral!”

  Natalie stood frozen in place, her hands still gripping my blanket and her eyes glistening. “I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t think of it that way.” Something that happened a lot lately.

  I brushed her hands away and stared at her. “Maybe you should have.”

  A single tear rolled down her cheek, and she wiped it away. “You’re right. Of course, you are. I know it’s too soon. But it’s okay to let people in. He’s a doctor. And he knows you don’t have family here. He came all this way. So maybe just let him check on you. I’m sure he’s not thinking of anything other than your health. He’s a really sweet guy.”

  Part of me was afraid if he walked through that door, I’d see David again. And I couldn’t bear to see him when I knew he was never coming back. “If you like him so much, why don’t you date him?”

  “I’m not saying you should date him. Just let him be your friend.” Natalie smoothed the comforter. “Besides, he’s a few tattoos and a motorcycle shy of my type.”

  “Fine.” I sat against the pillows and crossed my arms. “Where is he? You didn’t leave him outside to freeze to death, did you?”

  “Of course not.” She waved a hand. “He’s standing in the kitchen, drinking the best damn cup of coffee your pitiful coffee maker has ever made.”

  My mouth dropped open. I would have killed for a cup of Natalie’s coffee. “You made coffee, and you didn’t bring me any? I thought I was hallucinating the smell of Arabica beans the way people in the desert hallucinate an
oasis.”

  Natalie shrugged. “I was going to use it as leverage if you didn’t agree to my conditions.”

  I bit back a smile. “Why are we friends?”

  “Because I’m awesome.” She beamed at me. “And I make the best coffee in Lake Edna.”

  “As far as I’m concerned, you make the only coffee in Lake Edna.”

  “That I do. Now go brush your teeth so your breath doesn’t smell like yesterday’s garbage while I go get him.”

  Dragging myself out of the bed to brush my teeth felt more like running a marathon, and I wished I’d taken the pain medication Natalie had offered me earlier.

  “Knock, knock.” The doctor’s deep voice startled me as I crawled back into bed.

  “Come in.” I held my breath.

  The door creaked open, and he poked his head in to smile at me. His blue eyes looked nothing like David’s warm brown eyes, and I let go of a breath. “You look better today.” He stepped into my room dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a beige sweater, his signature stethoscope wrapped around his neck like a scarf. I wondered if he wore that around the house, too.

  “Well, I feel like shit.” My muscles tensed as he stepped closer, waiting for my mind to play tricks on me again.

  He chuckled. “You’ll feel better in time.”

  “Why does everyone say that?”

  “Because it’s usually true.” Dr. Hudson sat on the edge of my bed, keeping a comfortable distance between us.

  I tugged the blanket up to my throat. “So, Doctor… will I live?”

  He rubbed his chin in what came across as mock seriousness. “You want my expert opinion?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then I’ll need to check your vitals… listen to your heart… all that doctor stuff.” He wiped the trace of a grin from his lips.

  I inhaled slowly, pulling the blankets away from my body as he stood and leaned in closer to me. “Okay, then.” I braced myself while his warm hands slid across my stomach. Trying to avoid eye contact with him, I caught movement in the hallway and shook my head. Natalie.

  “We have an audience,” I whispered.

  He furrowed his brow. “She’s worried about you.”

  I nodded, keeping my eyes trained on his long fingers as they pressed gently on my abdomen.

  “Any pain?”

  “Some. It’s not too bad. A four, tops.” Unless you count the hole where my heart used to be, I’m fine.

  “Good.” He pulled the blanket over my midsection. “You seem to be healing nicely.”

  On the surface maybe. “So I’ll be up and around in no time?”

  “I’m sure Natalie will have you sitting on a stool at the coffee shop before the week is out.”

  “Knowing her, she’ll just bring the whole shop to me.”

  He laughed—a rich warm sound. “You’re probably right. She has a way of getting people to do what she wants.”

  I struggled for something to say. I didn’t know how to make small talk anymore, and even I knew the weather in January was the only constant in the small town. “Poor Rachel. She’s probably going nuts trying to run the shop by herself.”

  Dr. Hudson twirled the end of his stethoscope between his fingers. “Natalie told me she hired someone new. He came in while Rachel was working the other day. Nice kid, she said.”

  “That’s good. One hurdle down.” I raised my voice loud enough for Natalie to hear me. “Now, can you please tell her I’m fine to take care of myself?”

  He flashed a friendly smile, and Natalie’s words came back to haunt me. He’s a really sweet guy. “Just give it another day, okay? There’s nothing wrong with letting someone take care of you once in a while.”

  Then his lips turned down, and the serious doctor mask was back. “And you don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. Natalie said you’re not taking your meds. There’s no shame in admitting you’re in pain.”

  I crossed my arms. “Fine. I’ll take the damn meds. And I’ll give it until tomorrow. But then I’m kicking her ass out.”

  “If she doesn’t leave tomorrow, I’ll help you.” He rested his hand over mine and squeezed.

  The sweet gesture caught me off guard, and a new wave of sadness crashed over me. I wanted to close my eyes and pretend he was David for a minute, just long enough to take the pain away. But I knew it would only be worse later if I did. “Why are you being so nice to me? I’m pretty sure it’s against the doctor code to make house calls in this century.”

  He stood and draped the stethoscope around his neck again. “I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

  “No, really.”

  “You caught me.” Dr. Hudson turned away, but before he did, I caught the pink flush in his cheeks. “I’m making an exception because Natalie said I’d be cut off from coffee for a month if I didn’t.”

  I made a point of tucking the blankets around me. “That sounds like her.”

  “She’s a tyrant, that one.” He chuckled. “Well, I’d better get going, or I’ll be late for my shift.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Hudson.”

  “Ben.”

  “What?”

  “My name. It’s Ben. It’s a small town. We don’t bother much with formality here. Take care of yourself, Alex.” He pulled out a small white card and held it up. “This is my cell number. Call me if you need anything.” He placed it on the dresser then turned and left the room.

  Twenty-four hours later, Natalie decided I was finally well enough to leave alone. I was more than ready for her to go home, but my peace and quiet didn’t last long. A shrill ringing cut through the silence, startling me out of a restless sleep. I didn’t recognize the caller ID.

  “Hello?”

  The man cleared his throat before speaking. “Mrs. Barrett?”

  “Yes, this is Alex Barrett.”

  “Mrs. Barrett, this is Joseph Howard. I hope you’re doing well. I was concerned after you left on Monday, and I didn’t hear back from you.”

  “It’s been a busy week.” The last thing I wanted to do was rehash things with my husband’s attorney. And I knew he hadn’t really called to ask about my health. He was waiting for an answer from me. An answer I didn’t have.

  “I won’t take much of your time, but we do need to discuss arrangements for Madison. The last time we spoke, you seemed unsure as to whether you would be willing to take legal responsibility for her. I was hoping you’d had a change of heart.”

  “Actually, I hadn’t given it much thought this week.” I knew it made me sound uncaring, but I couldn’t admit I’d lost David’s baby and then tell him I didn’t want David’s daughter. What kind of monster did that make me? She’d just lost both of her parents, and I couldn’t bear the thought of spending a single minute in her presence. “Is this something I have to decide today?”

  “No, I suppose not.” His hesitancy told me he agreed. I was a monster. “But we can’t delay this too long. If you’re going to refuse guardianship, we’ll have to make arrangements for foster care until something more permanent can be decided.”

  My pulse quickened as the reality of the situation sank in. “That’s really the only other option? It’s either me or foster care? Surely she has godparents or other distant relatives somewhere.”

  “I suppose there might be, but unless you’re willing to take the time to make those inquiries, I don’t know how we would ferret them out.”

  David would never forgive me if I let his child go into foster care when I could’ve taken her in. “What if I agreed to keep her? Not permanently… just until we find someone.”

  “I think that would be a reasonable compromise.” I heard the relief in his voice.

  With a newfound resolve, I sat up and drew in a deep breath. “What would I have
to do?”

  “I’ll have my secretary call you to set up a time to come in, and we can hash out the details. How does next week sound?”

  “Next week would be fine.” My stomach twisted as reality sank in. One more week before the inevitable. I had no idea how I’d manage the life of a teenager when I couldn’t even manage my own.

  “Good. It’s settled. I’ll see you then.”

  Chapter 7

  Maddie

  I slung my loaded-down backpack over my shoulder. In addition to the two tests I needed to study for, I had enough homework to keep me busy for a month. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about what I was going to do this weekend, when I’d usually be at my dad’s house. No way would I be going over there to spend time with the stepmonster. Eventually, I’d have to go and get my stuff out of the house, but I’d avoid that as long as possible. I’d known from the first minute I’d met her that she was heartless.

  Dad had called from the airport to say he was picking me up, but when he pulled into the driveway and she was in the car—in the front seat, where I usually sat when it was just me and Dad—I knew things would never be the same.

  “Hey, sweetheart.” Dad jumped out to give me a bear hug, but she stayed in her seat, staring through the glass at me as if she wanted to squish me like a bug for touching my own dad. “I’ve missed you. How about we go to the Silver Bullet? I have something I want to tell you.”

  The diner was my favorite place to eat, but I didn’t want to go there if she was going. “Okay, Daddy.”

  He held the door open for me, and I climbed into the backseat, my eyes glued to the back of her perfect head. I lost my appetite watching them stealing glances at one another, having a silent conversation the whole way. As soon as he parked, Dad lifted her hand and squeezed it, the special way he’d squeezed mine before every recital. I clenched my fists until my fingernails bit into my palms but refused to scream. I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurt to see my dad sharing something so private with someone else. I climbed out of the car before they’d even unbuckled, grabbing our regular booth in the back. I kept telling myself it was just dinner. I could make it through one lousy damn meal with her. And if I were lucky, I’d never have to see her again. But I was never that lucky.