Ashes of Life

by Erica Lucke Dean

  “Hey, it’s okay. I understand. I didn’t expect… Alex, despite what you said last night, I know you’re not ready.” Ben reached across the table. His warm hand rested over mine, and for an instant, I wanted to latch onto him and hold on. But before I could consider what that meant, he pulled it away again. “But if you change your mind in the future… well, you know where to find me.”

  I nodded. “I do.”

  “And I wanted to apologize for what I said at the bar. I should never have told you Sarah was still in love with David.”

  The reminder was like a sucker punch to the stomach.

  “That was unbelievably callous. I have no excuse. I hope you can forgive me.”

  “Of course. It’s not as if I haven’t heard the same thing from countless others lately. I have to learn to face the reality that my husband was very likely cheating on me with his ex-wife. If they hadn’t… if it wasn’t for the accident… even if I hadn’t lost the baby, he would have probably left me eventually.” Tears pricked at my eyes, and I picked up my fork to stab a piece of omelet. “I guess we’ll never know for sure.”

  “Only an idiot would walk away from you.”

  I kept my eyes on my plate. “I’m not easy to live with. Just ask my stepdaughter.”

  “Hey…” He grabbed my chin, lifting my face to his. “Just for today, let’s not think about anyone else. The rest of the world doesn’t exist.” He took my hand, tugged me out of my chair, and enveloped me into his outstretched arms.

  “What are we doing?” His chest muffled my voice.

  “I’m giving a much-needed hug to my friend.”

  I slowly melted into him. “Okay.”

  He rocked me back and forth, humming a song I didn’t know. “As long as we’re clear.”

  Natalie pushed open the door and glared at me. “You can come out now. He’s gone. Or were you shooting for the whole Disney princess thing? You do know that mop isn’t likely to whisk you off to the ball, right?”

  I forced my lips to tip up in a smile as I stepped over the smelly mop bucket to exit the small space. “Thanks, Nat.”

  She shook her head. “I really don’t get you.”

  “What do you mean?” I played dumb as I followed her back to the front and plopped back down on my stool to drink my now cold coffee.

  “I mean…” Natalie snatched the cup out of my hand and replaced it with a fresh one. “The guy is a sweetheart. He spent an entire weekend taking care of your drunken ass, and now you’re hiding from him in my storage closet.”

  “You don’t understand.” Hell, I didn’t even understand.

  My emotions were so twisted up I could barely stand being around me. In fact, I’d compounded my grief with at least a dozen lies I’d told myself, starting with the one about Ben being nothing but a friend. The traitorous ways my body reacted when he was around terrified me. Not that it mattered. I simply didn’t have the luxury of feeling anything more than friendship for him. Even that was a stretch.

  Somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten how to tell the truth—even to myself. Hiding behind the pain took up way too much of my energy. And to make matters worse, Maddie continued to ask me about my next doctor’s appointment, and instead of coming clean with her about the baby, I ignored her like the psycho bitch she claimed I was. My life was an utter and complete mess, and I had no one but myself to blame.

  “You’re damn right I don’t understand. It’s been two weeks… two weeks since you’ve spoken to him. You ignore his calls, keep your lights off at the house, and hide in closets. And I’m pretty sure the man knows you were here, since you’re the only one in town with a Porsche Cayenne.”

  “That’s why I parked around back.” I cringed. She was right. I’d completely lost it.

  “Are you kidding me?” Natalie’s eyes widened. “You parked in the damn alley just so you wouldn’t run into Ben? You need therapy.”

  I sagged against the counter. “Why the hell do you think I come here?”

  “Save the flattery. We both know you come for the coffee.”

  We both laughed, but it didn’t hold any of the usual humor. I felt the disappointment coming off her in waves. And I didn’t blame her.

  Natalie was right about another thing. I was avoiding Ben. I wasn’t even sure why. I just didn’t know how to face him. I knew he wanted more from me than friendship, and if I had the capacity to be honest, I’d have to admit I wanted the same thing. How could I possibly go back to being just friends when just being near him made my heart race? My stupid, traitorous heart. David hadn’t even wanted me, so why did I still mourn him?

  “It’s okay to feel something for Ben, you know. It’s not like you planned it. It’s not like you were running around behind David’s back.” The icy look she gave me sent chills up my spine. “Surely David would’ve wanted you to be happy if he already had one foot out the door before the accident.”

  Her words cut me. But more than that, they made me think. “Is that what I am? Happy? I certainly don’t feel happy.”

  “Well, maybe if you’d stop playing cat and mouse and started playing house, you would be.” She stared me down as if to challenge me, but how was I supposed to respond?

  “He hasn’t even been gone two months. Shouldn’t I still be grieving? Not out having revenge sex with hot doctors? Ben deserves more than that.”

  “Revenge sex? Come on. You know better than that.” She waved her hand through the air. “He likes you. You like him. This has nothing to do with revenge, or grief, or anything other than biology. I know the timing sucks, but you can’t help how you feel. You’re still alive… and young, Alex. Let the guy in. Your heart has room for more than one person.”

  I scoffed. “It wasn’t exactly my heart driving the bus.”

  “Well, your heart just needs a little time to catch up. Besides, you didn’t even do anything. Just talk to him, okay? What he doesn’t deserve is the silent treatment. Trust me, this guy’s a keeper.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “And if he keeps moping the way he has been, he’ll end up in his own emergency room with a broken heart.”

  “I just can’t think about it right now.” I needed to stay away from Ben before both of us ended up irrevocably broken. One of us was quite enough.

  “Well, as long as we’re avoiding delicious men…” Natalie changed the subject. “I can’t believe you haven’t met my new coffee boy. I swear to jeebus, he’s going to get me arrested for the things I’ve been thinking. That boy is offensively attractive. And I’ll tell you this: I’d fire him on those grounds alone if he wasn’t ridiculously respectful, not to mention a damn good worker. And you wouldn’t believe all the new business I’m getting. He has a freaking fan club. Oh, to be a teenage girl again, when gobbling chocolate chip muffins and chasing them down with caramel brûlée lattes wasn’t a death sentence for my hips. And it’s not just the teenyboppers. I saw my fifth-grade teacher flirting with him the other day! But I swear on a stack of US Weeklies, if he calls me ma’am one more time, I’ll be putting up that Now Hiring sign again, and he’ll be picking coffee grounds out of his ass for the next year.”

  “So why haven’t I seen him yet?”

  “He’s at school during the day, and you’re too busy hiding from Ben in the afternoon.”

  “Maybe I’ll meet him this weekend.”

  “If you can drag yourself out of the closet long enough.”

  “I think Ben works all weekend.”

  Natalie dropped her head to stare at the floor. “You know his schedule just so you know how to avoid him?”

  I shrugged. I’d called the hospital with assorted excuses, and at least one fake accent, to find out when he was scheduled. The last thing I needed was to run into him accidentally.

  Natalie pulled a pan out of the oven with a loud sigh. “If we’re g
oing to start this therapy session, I’m going to need a double espresso, and you’re going to need a muffin.”

  Chapter 17

  Maddie

  “Madison?” Mr. Wells’s gruff voice startled me awake, and I jerked my head up from my desk.

  “What?”

  He narrowed his judgmental eyes at me. “I asked who the Allies were in World War Two.”

  “Uh, us, Britain, and Russia?” I crossed my fingers that I’d remembered correctly from U.S. History last year.

  He scowled as if it pissed him off that I knew the answer. “Russia was known as the Soviet Union at the time. But yes, those were the big three.”

  He moved on to something else, but he continued to throw looks at me for the rest of the class, probably to make sure I hadn’t gone back to napping during his lecture. History wasn’t the only class I couldn’t concentrate in or the only one I was failing. The bell rang, and I scurried out of the room, eager to get out from under Mr. Wells’s watchful eye and to get to my next class. Third-hour Earth Science was my favorite part of the day.

  “Hey.” I slid into my seat next to Grey. He looked too good for high school in his worn jeans and the icy-blue V-neck sweater that matched his eyes perfectly. We hadn’t really hung out at all since the winter dance a few weeks ago, but we talked every day in class and before and after school. He’d even given me a ride home a couple times when he didn’t have swim practice, and I knew Alex wouldn’t be there to ask questions.

  “Hi.” He flipped his notebook closed before I could see what he was drawing. I’d tried several times to look over his shoulder, but he had some sort of sixth sense.

  “You know I’m going to see them one of these days. You might as well show me now.”

  He flashed a devilish smile. “I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring your English and History grades up, I’ll let you see one of my notebooks.”

  “That is so not fair. I should have never told you about my grades.” I threw myself back into my seat and forced a scowl onto my lips. “And do not give me the ‘life isn’t fair’ speech. I know it isn’t. If it were, I wouldn’t be an orphan.”

  “You’re crabby today, but you’re not an orphan. You have Alex.” He put his notebook in his backpack and pulled out his science book.

  I glared at him then took out my things for class. “Please tell me you were trying to make a joke. Alex hates me and can’t wait to get rid of me. I’m lucky she hasn’t tried to feed me a poisoned apple.”

  He cough-laughed then shook his head. “Now look who’s not being fair.”

  “Why should I be?” I snapped, a fresh wave of anger bursting out of nowhere. “And whose side are you on anyway?”

  The tardy bell rang, and Mrs. Shoeman called the class to attention. I fumed for a few minutes, thinking maybe I’d been wrong about third hour being my favorite after all. Life wasn’t fair. That was the point. So how could he expect me to be fair back?

  Grey’s knee nudged mine, and I scooted as far away from him as I could at our little table. He sighed, loudly, and when Mrs. Shoeman’s back was turned, he reached under the table, put his hand on my thigh, and pulled me next to him again. Other than a brush here and there, and the two times he’d briefly held my hand, it was the first deliberate physical contact we’d had. My whole body flooded with heat and annoying excitement. I wanted to be mad at him, but he made it very difficult.

  I dared a glance at him. His blue eyes stared back at me. Mrs. Shoeman turned toward the class, and Grey looked away. He kept his hand on my leg for a moment longer though, as if to say he wanted me there, next to him. Close.

  When class ended, I took my time packing up, waiting for the room to clear a little. “What was that?” I asked him in a hushed tone.

  “What was what?” His full lips quirked.

  I rolled my eyes. “You know what.”

  “I’m a guy, Maddie. I don’t read between the lines.” He slung his backpack over his shoulder.

  “Fine. Never mind.” I spun around and headed for the door. A few steps into the busy hall, Grey grabbed my hand and spun me around to face him.

  His beautiful face had turned to stone as he stared down at me. “Would you please stop doing that?”

  “No. I have to get to fourth hour, and since it’s English, I can’t afford to lose any points for being late.”

  He pulled me closer, so close my toes touched his. “You don’t get it, do you?”

  “Get what? You are so frustrating.” I wanted to push him out of my personal space, but at the same time, I wanted to hold him there and never let him go.

  “I’m frustrating? For weeks, I’ve been trying to decide if I should ask you out or not, and every time I work up the nerve, you push me away again. I’m about ready to give up, but I figured I’d try one more tactic. So instead of letting you push me away, I’m pulling you closer.” He tugged on me again for emphasis, and my nose nearly bumped his chin.

  I struggled to respond. “Like… a date?”

  “Yes. A date. And not some party. I’d like to take you to dinner and a movie.”

  The one-minute warning bell rang, and if I didn’t hurry, I’d definitely be late for English. “All right, um, I have to go.” I released his hand and stepped back.

  He hiked his backpack up on his shoulder. “Yeah, sure.”

  For the first time in weeks, hope bloomed in my chest. I knew I should steer as far away from him as possible. Grey Daniels was way more dangerous to me than Brody ever was. Grey ruined every plan I had to punish myself. He made me smile when I had no right to be happy. And yet I couldn’t force myself to walk away from him. “Meet me after school?”

  “Okay.” He shrugged, and I hurried off to English, making it through the door just before the tardy bell rang.

  The promise of getting to see his drawings had me determined to turn my grades around.

  “Are you honestly going to sit here without saying a word to me?” Haleigh’s voice cut through my daydream. I’d spent most of lunch thinking about Gray taking me on an actual, honest-to-goodness date. Would he hold my hand? Would he insist on paying for everything? Would he—?

  “Really, Maddie?” Haleigh’s death glare hit me like a slap to the face, and I flinched.

  “I’m sorry, Hale. Why don’t you tell me about Todd? You guys are still going out, right?” I tried to remember what she’d said about Todd Harrison asking her out. I hoped I hadn’t already missed something important, but that might explain why she seemed so annoyed with me.

  “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. Seriously,” she hissed under her breath. “Were you ever going to tell me you’d slept with Brody?”

  I took a bite of my pear and immediately regretted not chewing it before swallowing as I choked out the words. “Wait, what?” The force of my jaw falling open almost hurt but not nearly as much as the scathing look she gave me. “H-how did you find out?” I whispered.

  Tears filled her eyes, and I knew she didn’t want to tell me. “Luke’s sister. She’s in my geometry class. She overheard Luke and Brody talking about it, and she said to tell you to watch out for Brody. She kind of sounded like she was speaking from experience, and she only told me because she knew we were friends.”

  “We are friends. I just… it wasn’t what I expected. And yeah, Brody’s an asshole.”

  “Is that why you’ve been ignoring me? I mean, I know things are hard for you with your parents and all, but I want my friend back.” Haleigh blinked back tears, making me feel even guiltier.

  My eyes burned, and I had to look away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I’ll try, okay? I really will.”

  We spent the rest of the lunch period gossiping about Grey and Todd, and I almost felt like we were getting back to being us.

  After school, I scanned t
he halls for Grey, thinking he’d meet me at my locker, but I didn’t see him. Instead, I saw Brody heading right for me.

  “What do you want?” I rushed to get my coat on. But hurrying actually slowed me down since I tangled my arm got in the sleeve, and he had to help me get it untwisted before I dislocated my shoulder. “I thought you wanted nothing to do with me?”

  “Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.” He stared into my eyes while rubbing both my arms. “I really just want to know, what’s up with you and Daniels?” he asked without letting me go.

  “Don’t touch me.” I put my hands on his chest to shove him away. “And why do you care about me and Grey?”

  He shrugged and pulled me a little closer. Close enough for his breath to wash over my face. “I’m looking out for you. I told you before, dude’s a freak. And hey, I wouldn’t want you dating any creeps.”

  I scoffed. “Don’t you think that’s a little hypocritical considering what you did to me and however many other girls you’ve slept with?”

  “I never promised you anything, Maddie, so don’t go being all judgmental. Let’s not forget you wanted it as much as I did. I just wanted to know where you and Grey stand. I’ve heard some rumors.”

  “We’re friends.” Grey appeared out of nowhere to stand next to us. His hands tightened into fists at his sides, and the muscle in his jaw flexed, making my stomach flutter.

  I’d never been so happy to see him.

  “Friends. Huh.” Brody smirked as he bent down and whispered in my ear. “Not as good a friend as me.” He slid one hand down and put something in my pocket.

  A shudder ran through me at his uninvited touch. Aside from being a means to an end, what had I ever seen in him?

  Brody let go of me and stood back to smirk at Grey. Some sort of silent exchange happened between them, but since I had no idea how to read non-verbal guy-talk, I stood there as if I had no place better to be.