The Doldrums

by Nicholas Gannon

Archer grabbed her hand. They ran from the Egyptian Wing and ducked into the Hall of Ungulates. In his rush, Archer didn’t notice the jade elephant house fall from his bag. A janitor watched this happen. He picked it up, slipped it into his jumpsuit pocket, and was about to go after them when the museum director, who was making his rounds, quickly jumped in front of him.

  “Are you stealing from the museum?” the director asked.

  “I wasn’t,” said the janitor. “It’s only—”

  The director reached into the janitor’s pocket and removed the jade figurine. “I see.” He signaled for the two security guards and said, “Take him to pack his things.”

  The guards nodded. Each took one of his arms.

  “But it doesn’t belong to the museum!” said the janitor. “It’s not—it’s the—Thai Ferry!”

  Archer and Adélaïde were hiding behind a mountain goat when Mrs. Murkley stormed into the hall. Her eyes were hopping everywhere, but she didn’t see them behind the pedestal. She continued across the room but when she reached the end, she stopped.

  “Why isn’t she leaving?” whispered Adélaïde.

  “I think she smells us,” said Archer.

  Two guards entered the hall carrying the janitor roughly by the arms. They dragged him through a door marked “Museum Personnel Only.”

  “Quick!” whispered Archer.

  They crept behind a moose and slipped through the door before it closed. The guards were going down a spiraling stairwell. Archer and Adélaïde went up. They went up and up and up and pushed through a small door at the very top of a museum tower. The wind blew the masks from their heads and carried them deep into Rosewood Park. They ran full circle around the spire. There was nowhere else to go.

  “I don’t think we should go back that way,” said Archer, pointing to the door. “She might still be there.” He squinted far across the roof to where a second tower rose. “Do you think we can get over there?”

  Adélaïde wasn’t sure but she nodded. So Archer carefully helped her over the wall and then lowered himself to the roof. For a moment, neither of them moved. They were standing on a moldy strip of slate only two feet wide. The roof slanted steeply down on both sides. A slip from here would send them plummeting four stories.

  “This wasn’t a good idea,” said Archer.

  “We just have to be careful,” said Adélaïde.

  They joined hands and, with great care, began inching their way through the wind across the roof.

  ♦ HELMSLEY & DURBISH ♦

  Mr. Helmsley was in his office. His secretary was seated across from him taking notes.

  “Are those children on the museum rooftop?” his secretary asked, pointing over his head and out the window.

  Mr. Helmsley spun around and peered out the window. He removed his glasses, cleaned them against his shirt, and squinted once more. Sure enough, two figures were making their way across the rooftop. One figure slipped. The other helped it up. Both continued on.

  “They’re going to get themselves killed!”

  “That almost looks like—” Mr. Helmsley spun back around. He asked his secretary to leave and picked up the phone.

  “Is something wrong?” Mrs. Helmsley asked.

  “I’m not sure,” said Mr. Helmsley. “I just wanted to know if Archer was at home.”

  “Yes,” she replied. “He’s reading in his room.”

  “Can you check?”

  Mrs. Helmsley set the phone down and went to Archer’s room. There was a lump in the bed. She approached the lump and placed her hand on what should have been Archer’s shoulder. It wasn’t.

  “He’s a badger!” she yelled into the phone.

  “He’s a what?” asked Mr. Helmsley.

  ♦ GLITTERING SPECKS ♦

  Archer and Adélaïde reached the opposite spire and took shelter from the wind in an arched alcove. They could see out across Rosewood Park. The shaggy trees gave way to the warehouses of Barrow’s Bay and the canal. Beyond that they could just make out Rosewood Port and a glittering silver streak that was the sea. That’s where they wanted to be, glittering specks on the glittering sea. And that would be simple if only they could sprout wings and fly from the roof. But they couldn’t. So they stood with their backs pressed tight against the tower, watching as leaves swirled in the wind.

  “At least she won’t look up here,” said Adélaïde.

  “Neither will Oliver,” Archer replied.

  ♦ GAZELLE! GAZELLE! ♦

  Four stories below, an anxious Oliver was sitting in the special exhibit space. The room was like a greenhouse. It extended beyond the museum and into Rosewood Park, which loomed just beyond the wrought iron and glass walls. Oliver’s eyes were fixed out those windows, hoping Adélaïde and Archer weren’t running through the park without him. The other students were staring at the center of the room where a large wooden platform held a cage with three tigers that were staring straight back at the students.

  How tasty, thought one.

  Except for that String Bean, thought the second. He’s too lean to have much flavor.

  He’d make a good toothpick, thought the third. To pry the chunks of that graceful swanlike one from our teeth.

  A glass door opened at the far end of the exhibit space and a man with a dolly wheeled a container toward the cage. Two more men lifted the container while a fourth opened it. Inside were all sorts of meats. Everyone leaned forward—everyone except Oliver. Oliver bent down and dug into his bag. He decided to make a run for it. One of the zoo workers unlatched the cage. Oliver stood up and secured his gazelle mask.

  ♦ONE POLAR BEAR TOO MANY ♦

  Archer and Adélaïde climbed down the tower and popped into the museum, but before Archer had even taken two steps, two massive hands clamped around his shoulders and squeezed tight. It was Mrs. Murkley. He couldn’t believe it.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded, eyes blazing.

  “Let him go!” said Adélaide. “You’re going to ruin everything!”

  “Ruin what everything?”

  “We have to go!” said Archer.

  “Go where?” she barked.

  “It’s none of your business,” said Adélaïde.

  “I’m your teacher,” growled Mrs. Murkley. “Everything is my business. And the only place you two are going is back to my office!”

  Mrs. Murkley swung a hand at Adélaïde, but she spun a lopsided pirouette. She tripped over her wooden leg and crashed into a pedestal hosting a massive polar bear. The bear wobbled back and forth. Mrs. Murkley moved in to grab Adélaïde.

  “You can’t know the joy I will take in stuffing the two of you into—”

  “Look out!” someone shouted.

  “It’s going to fall!” yelled someone else.

  The polar bear leaned forward. Mrs. Murkley leaned backward. She released Archer and threw up her hands. Archer jumped. Mrs. Murkley didn’t. But she let out a shriek when the polar bear began its journey south, straight into her outstretched arms. It was a formidable match, but Mrs. Murkley was defeated—smashed to the floor beneath the massive polar bear.

  Archer lifted Adélaïde up off the ground. A crowd swooped in on the scene. Everyone stared at the tangled mass of Murkley and polar bear.

  “I think she’s dead.”

  “I’ve never seen a dead person before.”

  “It can’t look much different.”

  “Should we roll it off her?”

  The crowd agreed that would be most sensible, so a handful of strangers rolled the creature off the woman. Mrs. Murkley had gone completely white in the face. The crowd waited in silence. Then, very slowly, two tiny slits opened to her eyes.

  “She’s alive!”

  “A solid woman, that is!”

  “They don’t make ’em like that anymore!”

  Mrs. Murkley lifted her head and scanned the surrounding horde, passing from one person to the next till she found the two she was searching for. Archer and Adélaïde rema
ined silent. Mrs. Murkley let out a groan and mumbled, “Criminals—that’s what you are.” Only it didn’t sound like that at all. The crowd leaned forward.

  “What did she say?”

  “I think she said, ‘Criminal rats cut blue jars.’”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means she’s been knocked senseless—her screws are loose.”

  “They do still make ’em like that.”

  Mrs. Murkley lowered her head to the ground. The polar bear was next to her, but no one seemed concerned about it.

  “What are you waiting for?” the bear whispered to Archer. “Run!”

  Archer nodded. He took one last look at Mrs. Murkley before pulling Adélaïde through the crowd.

  “We have to go now or we’re never going to make it,” he whispered. “This is becoming a nightmare.”

  They ran back to the gaudy little fellow, hoping Oliver would be waiting for them.

  ♦ THESE SORTS OF THINGS DON’T HAPPEN ♦

  Oliver still wasn’t there. Archer and Adélaïde stayed together while searching the Egyptian Wing, but there was no sign of him anywhere so they wandered into the corridor.

  “I don’t understand,” said Archer. “He knew the plan.”

  “There he is!” said Adélaïde.

  Archer spun around. Oliver was barreling down the corridor straight toward them. But his eyes were shut and no sooner had Adélaïde spotted him than he smashed straight into her. Adélaïde screeched across the floor. Archer, who didn’t let go of her hand, went with her.

  “Sorry!” said Oliver, opening his eyes to see what he hit this time.

  “That’s all right,” said a shaken Adélaïde. “Do you always run with your eyes closed?”

  “Only when he’s late,” said Archer.

  Oliver helped them both up off the ground, but they were more concerned about him. Oliver was breathing heavily, his mask was gone, and panic, unlike any they’d seen, was flickering in his eyes.

  “Are you okay?” asked Archer.

  Oliver spoke between breaths. “Chaos everywhere—threw mask—distraction!”

  “The masks were terrible, weren’t they?” said Adélaïde, trying to help him along.

  “At least we’re together,” said Archer. “Now let’s get out of here.”

  “Wait,” said Adélaïde. “What happened to your arm?”

  Oliver’s arm was bleeding, but he wasn’t yet able to explain that when he tore off his mask and threw it, he ran straight into a pedestal holding a glass box with a jeweled egg inside. The egg cracked in two and glass shattered everywhere.

  “I’m fine,” he managed. “It’s fine.”

  Adélaïde wasn’t convinced. There was a lot of blood. She pulled her only extra shirt from her bag to wrap around Oliver’s arm, but froze when shouts and cries echoed down the corridor. Oliver winced and glanced over his shoulder. Adélaïde and Archer looked over his shoulder as well. Down that corridor, but not a long way off, a pack of tigers were slipping and sliding across the marble floor straight toward them.

  “You didn’t!” said Archer, not believing what he was seeing.

  “I did,” sighed Oliver.

  “But how?!” said Adélaïde.

  There certainly were many questions to answer, but now was not the time for that. They should have been running or hiding like everyone else aware of the situation unfolding. But they were in shock and not a single logical thought passed though their collective brains. They simply stood there, staring at the approaching tigers with hearts beating like hummingbird wings. Out of nowhere and as if by instinct, Oliver shouted “Survival kit!” It didn’t make sense, but that’s what happened. He threw down his bag. He knew the instructions. He yanked the string. They all stood back.

  An inflatable life raft was not what Oliver was hoping for. It wasn’t what Archer or Adélaïde were hoping for either. But that’s what they got. And while most would agree that a life raft would be of little use in this situation, the raft did do something remarkable. The sudden flash of yellow, the whooshing of air, and the thunderous thump when it hit the floor startled the approaching tigers and they slid to a halt. You could never know for certain, but it’s likely the tigers thought the raft was a creature much larger than themselves. And while this was a terrific bit of luck, a six-foot piece of inflatable plastic was not the ideal barrier.

  Archer, Adélaïde, and Oliver stood motionless. Not one dared to blink. But their minds slowly began to turn once more and Archer and Oliver were thinking the same thing, We have the crocodile girl!

  Careful not to take his eyes off the tiger, Archer whispered to Adélaïde, “What should we do?”

  Adélaïde didn’t respond.

  “What did you do with the crocodiles?” said Oliver.

  Adélaïde didn’t respond.

  She’s forming a plan? they hoped.

  “I was lying about the crocodiles,” she whispered. “I’ve never even seen a crocodile.”

  “Of course you have,” said Oliver.

  “One ate your leg,” said Archer.

  “I was hit by a lamppost.”

  “A lamppost?” repeated Oliver.

  “I was a ballerina.”

  “A ballerina?” said Archer.

  Archer and Oliver fell silent once more. This would not do. They needed Adélaïde to be who she wasn’t. They needed Adélaïde the great adventurer. They had Adélaïde the ballerina. And there’s a big difference between surviving a crocodile and surviving a lamppost. A tiger slowly approached the raft. It was only a matter of time before it realized it was a lump of plastic and nothing more. The prevailing sentiment among Archer, Oliver, and Adélaïde was one of hopelessness. Absolute hopelessness.

  The recently fired janitor finished packing his belongings and glanced over his shoulder at the guards who were discussing something of no importance. The janitor quietly slipped down the hall and into an office where the intercom system was located. After locking the door, he set a radio next to the microphone. He wasn’t going anywhere without giving the museum director a piece of his mind.

  ♦ BON VOYAGE ♦

  All at once, music filled the museum. It echoed up the stairwells, poured down the corridors, and seeped out of opened windows and into Rosewood Park. Archer looked up. Adélaïde looked up. Oliver looked up. The tigers looked up. In fact, at that very moment, everyone in the museum was looking up, wondering what was going on.

  Archer looked back at the tigers. He wasn’t sure what to do, but thought the worst thing they could do was let the tigers make the first move.

  “Slowly turn around,” he whispered. “We have to make a run for it.”

  That was not well received.

  “Not with this leg,” said Adélaïde.

  “You have to,” he replied.

  “What difference does it make,” said Oliver. “If I’m not eaten today, I’m sure I’ll be eaten tomorrow.”

  “I’d prefer tomorrow,” said Archer.

  Adélaïde agreed. It took him a moment, but Oliver also agreed. Then slowly, ever so slowly, they turned around. An odd sensation came over each of them—a sensation known only to those who’ve turned their backs on tigers. For a moment, no one said anything, not a word. They waited, certain that at any moment, claws would tear into their backs. But there was a flicker in Archer’s eyes. And while only a fool would smile in such a situation, it seemed like that’s what he wanted to do.

  “Keep your eyes open,” he said, studying the corridor ahead of them and the rooms shooting off either side. “But don’t look back.”

  Archer and Oliver each took one of Adélaïde’s hands.

  “And don’t go anywhere with carpet,” Archer whispered. “They’ll have more traction on carpet.”

  “Count to three?” said Adélaïde.

  All three nodded. They gripped tightly.

  Archer took a deep breath. “One,” he said.

  “Deux,” said Adélaïde.

  “—TH
REE!”

  ♦ WING OF AFRICAN MAMMALS ♦

  They shot down the corridor like a champagne cork and were gone in a flash, bolting into the Wing of African Mammals. They barreled down the center aisle, passing dioramas on either side.

  “Faster!” said Oliver. “I don’t want to be in a diorama!”

  They sprang through a doorway and hurled themselves down a flight of stairs, in what a woman standing nearby would later tell reporters appeared to be a single leap.

  “This way!” said Archer. He pulled the others right and they flew into the Wing of Tropical Birds.

  ♦ WING OF TROPICAL BIRDS ♦

  Two guards jumped from their chairs and raised their hands.

  “Stop!” demanded one. The other blew his whistle.

  But they didn’t stop. They held their course, gripping one another’s hands tighter still as they blasted past the guards.

  “This uniform means nothing,” said one of the guards.

  The other continued blowing his whistle.

  “They’re gone!”

  The whistler pointed at the tigers. Both guards abandoned their posts.

  Archer, Oliver, and Adélaïde wove their way down a crowded narrow corridor, crashing into people left and right. Archer was shouting “Tigers!” but no one listened, choosing instead to glare disapprovingly at such rudeness. Their expressions changed, however, when someone spotted the tigers.

  “Insensé!” said Adélaïde.

  The crowd was everywhere at once, running and squawking like spooked chickens. “That way!” shouted Archer. He leaned right and spun the others back into the Egyptian Wing.

  ♦ EGYPTIAN WING ♦

  A tour group was standing before Tappenkuse, blinding the gaudy little fellow with the flashes from their cameras. Archer, Oliver, and Adélaïde plowed their way through.

  “Tigers!” said Archer.

  “No,” said a foolish man. “It’s pronounced Tap-in-koos.”

  The man quickly dropped his camera and ran with everyone else when he realized what was happening. The trio ducked into an ancient ruin and shot out the other side. They dashed from the Egyptian wing and up a spiraling stair. At the top, Archer planted his feet, whipping Adélaïde and Oliver to the right and pouring them into the Wing of Ocean Life.