“What the fuck? Who cares, Blade, we are all going to die anyway.”
“You’re such a dick, Axl. What about the kids on the road with their families? Or what about the cop you ran off the road on purpose for no god-DAMN REASON!”
Blade heaves from his anger. “He didn’t die by the way, and if he did that would be manslaughter of a cop. That’s serious fucking hard time, dickhead. Not to mention the heat you would bring down on your brothers. None of us want that shit brought down on us.”
Blade takes a few deep breaths, keeping his steely determined gaze into my eyes. Taking a step back, he continues, “You’re my brother, Axl. You are my family, my VP. I need you back, by my side. You still have people to live for. You are supposed to be my backup in life. I need you to take care of my back, the club, Vegas and the girls. They are our family too.”
I wince when he says “girls”. I know he means Dana, and I can’t utter even a word. I know everything he just said is right.
Blade looks away. “I can’t have you here, the way that you are, right now.” Shaking his head, he turns back to me, and the disappointment there breaks me, right before the Prez continues, “You got to leave Reno until your head is back on straight, Axl. You can’t be here with us, not in the living, man. Looking for problems, because your problems, they become our problems. Take some time and leave town while I clean up this mess with the cop.” My Prez turns and leaves. I know my friend, he’s hurting, but the Prez, he will protect his woman and his club. He is the man of this MC and his life. And here I am being a fucking clown.
My phone lights up on the floor with a text. Picking it up, I look at it.
Jessica Rabbit: I miss you, I miss all of you. Will you please come home and just hold me tonight?
Looking around, I see that the entire club has their eyes on me, looking at me with pity. They see a man in pieces, like this glass on the floor, shattered and fragile. Pain lances my heart again from my actions. How far have I fallen since my old man passed? My heart squeezes in his memory, and I throw my phone against the wall. It shatters, along with everything else. Tired of the eyes on me, I walk out through the back to find the dark, and, in the shadows, I can hide from my disgrace.
Finding the old wood bench, I sit down next to Jenn who has an open bottle of whiskey. She hands over the bottle and I take a swig from it, and then another to drown the reality of my actions.
Jenn does the same, taking the bottle back and she asks, “Reality finally hit you, didn’t it?”
“Fucking suckered punched me in the nuts,” I say as I look out over the dark desert hills and sagebrush.
“You know you are far from okay, right? Even though you finally burst through your fog, you are fucked up,” Jenn states mechanically. She takes out a pill from her pocket, pops it into her mouth and drowns it with more whiskey.
Tilting my head at her, I ask, “What was that?”
“For the pain,” Jenn says as she reaches into her pocket and offers me one.
I hold the bottle up in mock cheers. “To the pain,” I declare.
Taking it from her palm, I too drown my pain in a pill, and the whiskey I drink. Two fucked up souls staring into the night, into what our souls really are, dark and empty.
Chapter 14
Dana
“Babe,” Vegas says holding my hand as I cry. “It’s going to be okay, we can bring him home to you.”
“He went back to Las Vegas five days ago though, he wants to be there.”
“No, Dana, he doesn’t have a home in his heart right now. He’s in so much grief over loosing not only his dad, he lost a piece of his world. He needs to find his way through a world where he doesn’t know who he is in it.”
I lay my head onto her lap for a while and give into the hurt as we continue to watch Judge Judy. She has a way of telling people they are stupid that I just love. It makes me smile inside while I take my time to come to terms with my feelings.
“You think he misses me though?” I ask, ashamed of needing to say it out loud. While Vegas plows through her way, she gives me the time to sit on mine.
“Yeah, babe, he does. He just needs to pick one hurt to deal with at a time,” she says and places her coke on the side table.
“He doesn’t call or text me back, he doesn’t act like I’m even alive anymore. He left all his damn shit in my house! I wear his stupid T-shirt he gave me a while back to bed every night. I feel so stupid.” My hands cover my face as I cry.
A heavy body sits down and picks up my feet from the other end of the couch. Peeking through my fingers, I see Tank. His large hands begin massaging my feet. Rolling onto my back, I wipe my tears away and take a deep breath in.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Tank asks with a pouty face.
“Axl,” is all I can choke out.
“Hmm. He is a hard-headed dumbass. What else, baby girl?”
“He doesn’t love me,” I squeak out quietly and close my eyes.
“He does, little momma. He claimed that pussy,” Tank says while dodging the pillow Vegas threw at his head. “I mean, he loves that pussy?” He chuckles when the last pillow bounces off his big head and hits the floor.
“What I’m saying is, after he deals with his anger, he’ll be back for you. He’ll hurt you right now if he comes back, he’s really protecting you.”
My heart doesn’t believe him even though it wants to. They all leave in the end. The people you really love, they all leave in the end. Or they break you.
“What are you doing in Vegas’ house anyway?”
“After staying here a bit ago to watch Vegas, I had brought so much shit that I’m just too lazy to take it all back to the clubhouse. It’s nice here though. Fresh coffee in the morning with peace and quiet. I don’t wake up with those leaches on my dick. It’s so nice.”
Vegas groans, “You eat like a fucking horse!”
“I will go grocery shopping today.”
“I wasn’t asking you to.”
“I will though.”
“NO. You will move your big ass out.”
Tank ignores her and sets my feet down. “We good here, honey?”
With a small smile, I say, “Yes, for now.”
“You have brothers here to help too, okay?” Tank winks at me before he strolls out the door.
Vegas narrows her eyes at the door. “I’m texting Blade to change the locks ASAP, and to have his shit moved out today. Where the hell is Jenn? I’m texting her too, she was supposed to be here hours ago.” She picks up her phone, furiously tapping her thumbs across the screen. I spend the afternoon curled up on the couch next to my best friend, and wondering, does this hurt so much because I do love Axl?
∞ ∞ ∞
I turn up the volume dial on the radio and my mind gets lost in the music as the words run through my mind and heart. Comforting me on my journey of life or work. My head bobs to the beat as a light catches the corner of my eye. Shit. The siren was partly drowned out by the music. I check my speed and see that I’m going the speed limit.
I turn on my blinker and pull off to the side of the road. I start digging inside my purse to find my license. Leaning over, I open the glove compartment box to locate my registration and insurance too. I feel anxious as I was supposed to open the bar this afternoon, and I don’t want to be late.
Finally, the officer taps on my window with his knuckles. Rolling the window down, I hand over my license, insurance and registration.
“Thank you...” the officer smiles and looks down at my license. “Dana Maraschino, did you know your tail-light was out?”
“Uh no, thank you for telling me, I can have it fixed right away.”
“Do you have someone to help you with that?”
“Yes, sir.” My skin starts to tingle in fear.
“I would hate for you to be hit by another vehicle because they didn’t see the light. I’m going to run this, stay in your vehicle,” he demands as he leaves, and I watch him sit in his cruiser.
Picking up my phone, I text Vegas. Can you open for me?
Right away she responds. Sure, everything okay?
Me: I’ve been pulled over by a cop
Vegas: Don’t get out of your car, don’t say anything, be careful
Me: WHAT!
Vegas: Don’t panic. I just want you to be careful
“Dana.” His gruff voice startles me and I drop the phone in my lap. The officer hands me back my license and papers. My hand grabs the paperwork to take it back from him, only his hold is tighter. Leaning into the window, he says, “Stay safe, Dana Maraschino.” He holds my eyes a moment too long, then he continues, “I’ll follow you. Home or work? I don’t want something happening to you.”
“I, uh, okay. I will just call to my work to let them know I’m running late,” I answer.
“When you’re ready.” The officer goes back to his cruiser.
My hands tremble as I pick up my phone to call Axl. It rings and rings, but no answer. I hurriedly hang up and call Snake. He answers on the first ring. “Babe, what’s up?”
My voice trembles as I tell him as quickly as I can what happened. I keep the tears back as best as I can, but the fear laces my voice.
Snake’s voice drops low. “You take the long way on the freeway back around to the garage where we take the cars to for maintenance. I’ll be there before you, put your phone on speaker. Put your seatbelt on, okay? I’m getting into the truck now.”
I do as he tells me and let out a steadying breath when I hear his truck door slam. “Baby, turn your car on. Then your blinker.”
“Okay, Snake.” Doing as he says, I turn back onto the road.
Snake continues talking to me. “He’s just being a dick, Dana, don’t worry, I’m sure it’s nothing.” He keeps the chatter going as I make my way to the garage.
Instant relief floods my veins as I see him standing there, waiting for me outside the garage. He hangs up his cell, pocketing the phone into his pants. I park my car and hear the cruiser pull up behind me. On unsteady legs, I get out of my car and eagerly walk into his awaiting arms. Snake holds me close, wrapping a protective arm around me, and places a kiss on my forehead.
The officer walks over, eyeing Snake and I suspiciously. “Check her tail-lights, or the wiring may be out.”
Snake laughs, “Sure will, I’ll take care of my woman, thanks for the special attention to make sure she made it okay.”
“Wouldn’t want anyone to get into an accident on the road,” the officer states before plastering a fake smile on his face. “Ya’ll have a good night.”
Even though the cop left, my hands don’t leave from around Snake’s side as my body involuntarily shakes a little from the shock.
“What was that? Why did he pull me over?” I ask, hoping that he will tell me.
“Not here, babe, but Blade wants you back at the clubhouse.”
∞ ∞ ∞
Geez, a lot of dudes cram in here for these meetings. Snake and I walk through the door, finding one seat available for someone to sit in. Blade points to the chair and I sit down. The angry energy in the room makes this meeting even more claustrophobic like. None of these men have on the happy party faces that I’m used to seeing. That whole night is making a whole lot more sense on why Vegas took me to the fight. I know these men are ruthless, but I have forgotten what lies beneath the smiles and jokes.
Blade slams the gavel on the table, and I feel as if I’m the one in trouble. Snake’s hand lands on my shoulder, giving me a gentle squeeze. Looking up, my eyes clash with Spider’s, his stare not leaving where Snake is touching me, which is making me even more uncomfortable. My hands grip the seat of the chair to scoot myself forward into the table, losing Snake’s hand on my shoulder as I do so.
Blade clears his throat. “Dana, can you tell us what the fuck just happened? And don’t leave any details out.”
I run through the situation, trying desperately to sound more confident than I feel. My chest moves rapidly up and down with worry. “Why is he targeting me? What is going on? Please tell me something.”
“After the fight the other night that you girls weren’t supposed to be at, and, while you are here, don’t let Vegas go to that shit again, we clear?” He pauses and waits for me to acknowledge his order.
“Yes, Blade.”
He nods in approval. Does he not know his wife? She dragged me there and she didn’t even tell me what was going on. Now I’m getting called out for it. Figures. Classic Vegas getting us into trouble.
“After the fight, Axl was racing his bike on the freeway. Pushing cars out of the way.” My breath catches and my heart skips a beat.
“He got a cop on his ass who tried to pull him over. Axl baited him to run off the road. I think the cop is looking for him. That’s why he left town. He needs to get his shit together and his head on straight and not be causing problems. I sent him down to Las Vegas to stay with Stryker. I think he needs Stryker to kick his ass, he’s the closest thing he has to an old man right now.”
“So, you are telling me that you sent Axl away? And, let me guess, Vegas knew of all this?” I inquire.
“Yes, Dana, to protect the club. And you.”
“I don’t know who I’m madder at right now, you or Vegas!” Heat spreads through my veins, pushing my body over the top of the table. Anger starts burning from somewhere deep inside of me.
“Vegas does what the fuck I tell her to do, Dana. In case you fucking missed the memo at the wedding, she’s not only your family anymore. She’s the Ol’ Lady, the President’s Ol’ Lady, of this fucking club. If I tell her to shut the fuck up, she will. If she can’t be trusted by me, we have nothing. Between you and Axl, your insecurities are ripping both of you apart. Deal with your shit, because, let me tell you, if you can’t trust your beloved Axl with your life and you with his, this club life will rip you apart. You want to be with Axl? Grow the fuck up, deal with your shit and go claim your man.”
Blade stops to make sure I hear this next part. “You fucking dare talk to me that way in Church again, and you will be picking your ass up off the floor. You get me?”
Feeling royally stupid for everything I said, I sit back in my chair and nod in agreement in response.
“Words, eyes, Dana,” Blade demands.
I think I would have rather he reached across the table and smacked my ass than taken this proverbial smackdown. “Yes, Prez, my apologies to you and the brothers,” I say and look at him as a tear falls from my eye, and then another.
“Dana, you are loved,” Blade states
The room erupts into a resounding “Aye!” as all the men grunt out the word. The deep baritone from the hearts of these men hits a cord deep inside of my sad song that continually plays on repeat. Something deep within me begs to be free of the torment. I cry. I cry in a room full of bikers. I cry for the little girl who lost her mother to drugs, a father who forgot she existed, and for the man who left her.
Hands upon hands touch my shoulder as my tears continue to paint my cheeks. Standing, I find brothers lined up behind me as each one hugs me and kisses my forehead. By the last hug, my last tear falls, and I feel some part of me was cleansed.
Blade stands firm as he rounds the table. “We are all family, Dana, we will all die for you, we will protect each other. You have us all to carry your burden. You don’t carry that shit alone, and never have, you hear me now, Dana?”
“Yes, Prez.” A slow smile spreads across my face.
“Good. Now, Tank, you’ll be staying with Dana until this shit is settled. Dana, you have a new roommate. Move your shit out of my house today, Tank.”
Tank stands at the door smiling and holding his arm out for me. “Hey, roomie, let’s go move into your house. You have a room on the west side of the house, right? The sun is a bitch in the morning, and I like to sleep to keep this sparkling personality.”
Laughing, I walk into Tank’s side and reach my own arm around his back as we walk out, like two friends on a n
ew journey, when it suddenly hits me. He’s never moving back out.
∞ ∞ ∞
The crowd erupts into fits of laughter from a table in the corner, drawing the attention of those around the bar to where a group of older college kids laugh with each other. The sound is endearing to my ears. It pulls at long forgotten memories that are coming back to me to be savored and longed for. I love the sound of the careless fun and wish that my life was that simple, that my mind too felt that carefree and light as theirs seem to. To go back to the days when life was fun, and love was just a crush.
Tami looks across the room and she, like me, seems to be lonely, wanting to be wanted by others. I know this look she wears because I wear it too. Even though our stories may be a little different, we both do feel the same way. I always called it bullshit when a person would say, “You don’t know what it is that I am feeling, what it is like to be me.” Does it matter if we all go through the exact same thing? I don’t think so. Pain is pain, it all fucking hurts.
Earlier today at the clubhouse made me confront some shitty truths. One in particular, that I really hate about myself and try to avoid at all costs, is my need for love. I never believed that another man could ever love me from what happened with my parents as a child. That resulted in me pushing boyfriends I did have away frequently. I was a passive child looking for their attention, and, if I received their attention, it meant that I was loved. This has been my weakness and I don’t want it to be anymore. Did I really go to Axl and make him see us? No, I didn’t.
I did try getting his attention to come back, so that does mean something special to me. He is different to me than any other boyfriends I ever had were, but I didn’t fight hard enough for him, for what we deserve. I thought that if I pushed him too hard, he would leave. I will show him that I can be the woman he needs to fall back on. I am going to bring his stubborn and sweet ass home to me. Any way that I can have my Axl back, I’ll take it all. He’s mine.
Nothing Lasts Forever (Battle Born MC Book 2) Page 10