Breath of Life

by Sara Marion

  “Ella was my best friend,” her voice was shaky so she cleared her throat, trying to gain some composure. “As you can see from the people around you she touched a lot of people in her life. She never turned a person away because of what they did or how they looked. She embraced life. She became…” She choked down a sob. “She became my sister.”

  Tears started to trickle down her face. She wiped them away and stared at her paper. The words mixed together and she couldn’t read them.

  “She ended up on my table and I couldn’t save her.” Paxton broke down, she could control herself anymore. “Oh God, I killed my best friend.”

  She covered her mouth as the sobs escaped from her. She heard the whispers begin. She saw their faces. She wiped the tears flowing down her face.

  “I couldn’t save my best friend. I saved many people and some said I performed miracles but I couldn’t save her.”

  Jack came up to her side and she collapsed into it. He pulled her down from the podium. He nestled her in his arms as she sat between him and Duke. Duke patted her leg and then held her other hand. It was the only time she felt comforted by the people around her but she couldn’t stop crying or blaming herself. After that day, she took no comfort.

  ***

  “Paxton, it wasn’t your fault Ella died,” Dr. Keeler finally broke into her story, her memories.

  “It was. I didn’t wait to see what all her injuries were. I reacted to the internal bleeding. I didn’t wait. Maybe if I waited.” Paxton became frantic. She was overcome with the emotions the memories evoked.

  “What if you did wait and she died because you waited. What then?”

  “I would have still killed her because I was negligent. It would still be my fault. No matter what I did I…I killed her.” Sadness overtook Paxton. It was like those memories dug into a fresh wound, one that never really healed.

  “My mother blames me. She is the only one who sees the truth. She called me out on it when she asked why I was thinking of patients instead of my friend. After that night, she reminded me often.”

  “You were in shock,” Dr. Keeler argued. “Hell, I would throw myself into work if I was in your position but you didn’t kill her on purpose.”

  “You don’t get it!” Paxton raised her voice. “I was more worried about making the damn casino night, I missed something. I was distracted even though I tried to focus on my patient. I was negligent, I didn’t know what I was getting into, and I just opened her up. I was rushing. I wanted to get home.”

  “Let me ask you something,” Dr. Keeler interrupted. “What if it wasn’t Ella? What if she was still the Jane Doe? Would you be agonizing over it?”

  Paxton was taken aback by her question.

  “Would you be blaming yourself for the death of Jane Doe even though you did what you thought was best?”

  “No. I have had patients die on my table before.”

  “So what makes this different is that you knew who it was on your table. Maybe not at the time but afterwards. You didn’t put her on that highway. You didn’t cause that semi to overturn, you didn’t wish this upon her. You attempted to save her. You did the best you could. You knew that but sometimes injuries are too great and you know some patients die. Ella was one of those. No matter what you would have done she probably would have died.” Dr. Keeler’s voice remained even. It was a logical conclusion, but Paxton’s mind wouldn’t accept it. Her heart still ached for her friend.

  “She was pregnant. I forgot about it. Looking back now I forgot. I didn’t even try to save her baby!”

  Dr. Keeler inhaled sharply. She didn’t say anything. Paxton knew that Dr. Keeler never would have suspected that Ella was pregnant.

  “No one knew except me. I was there when she took the home-test. I was the one that did her labs at the hospital. She was going to tell Duke that weekend. That night at the casino.” Paxton took a deep breath. She felt like the worst person in the world. “What made it different was I didn’t check the baby.”

  “You didn’t know it was her. You didn’t find out until after you called time of death. There was no way you could have saved the baby.”

  “But I didn’t tell anyone either.”

  “You saved them from more pain.”

  Paxton sat there. She still blamed herself. If she would have took the ultrasound a little lower she would have seen the baby.

  “When was the last time you went to her grave?”

  “What?”

  “When was the last time you went to Ella’s gravesite?”

  Paxton grimaced. “The day of her funeral.”

  She folded over in her lap. She let herself feel the loss of her friend, her unborn child. She spent so much time running away that she knew she hadn’t fully grieved the loss of her friend. The one she tried so hard to save. She heard the timer go off. Dr. Keeler turned it off and Paxton lifted herself.

  “Paxton, I am only going to say this once because I know I have given a lot to think about.” Paxton felt like Dr. Keeler could read her thoughts sometimes. “I want you to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself. You need to go visit her. It can be therapeutic. Just go see her. Let yourself grieve for your friend properly. I still don’t know how this fits in with your relationship with Jack and the divorce but you need to forgive yourself for Ella, for her baby. You need to grieve for them. Once you do, you will feel better about yourself. Then we can figure out what happened with Jack.” She reached for Paxton’s hand to reassure her. “Okay?” Paxton saw Dr. Keeler dip her head to make eye contact.

  “Okay,” That’s all she could say.

  What Dr. Keeler was proposing seemed impossible to Paxton but she was going to try. She already felt better remembering and talking about it to someone objective. Paxton just needed to go. “Thank you Dr. Keeler.” She gave a slight smile and stood up to walk out.

  Paxton drove out to the cemetery where Ella was buried. She stayed in her car in the parking lot for a long time. She didn’t know why Dr. Keeler thought this would help her. She stared out into the field where her best friend was laying. She didn’t have any more tears in here. She felt almost numb but her nerves were tingling. She wasn’t sure if she should do this or not. She wanted to bolt but if she did she knew that she would never come back on her own.

  She opened her door and stepped out of the SUV. The breeze was blowing and it was a warm spring afternoon. She started walking to the tree that Ella was buried under. She slowed as she neared it. Ella was in the middle of the cemetery. There was a large oak tree that hovered over the field. Paxton picked the spot out. She thought Ella would like being out in the open but shaded of course.

  She knelt at the gravestone. She touched the cool marble. The last time she was here only a marker with her name was in the ground. Now there was a marble stone her mother picked out for Ella. It had the normal encryption, name, date of birth, date of death. Paxton felt the engravings. She looked down at the picture that was put on it. It was one of Ella looking over the moon after Duke proposed. Below the picture, her mother had Ella’s favorite saying. She had made it up after her parents died: You are my moment, my breath of life. Don’t you forget this.

  Ella told Paxton that every day. It was reminder of how short life was. Ella said it was better than the clichés like ‘Live life to the fullest’ or ‘Carpe Diem’. It was more personal, it was just Ella. She was the artist, she lived on the edge but she didn’t do it unless Paxton was with her. Now that Paxton didn’t have her, nothing was the same.

  She stared at the words engraved. She stared at it and heard Ella’s voice in her head. She blamed herself even more than she did before. She wasn’t breathing now because of Paxton. “I’m so sorry Ellie-bear.” She laid herself down. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you or your baby.”

  SEVENTEEN

  It had been a few days since Paxton visited Ella at the cemetery. She had laid there all afternoon filling her in on what she missed and how much of a mes
s she had made. She even told Ella about her and Duke. She mentally chastised herself for that part, pretending it was Ella doing the yelling but Dr. Keeler was right. She felt better after visiting. A small weight was lifted off her shoulders.

  Duke found her out there just enjoying the sun, pretending Ella was laying out right beside her. He apparently came every week to make sure she had fresh flowers. They sat and talked for a bit on the back of his truck and he felt the same way Dr. Keeler did. He never blamed her for Ella’s death. He blamed himself more for surviving but he grieved for her all the way through the funeral. He said he will always love Ella but he had to move on back then. He was actually the one who suggested putting Ella’s quote on the headstone.

  Paxton stopped blaming herself. It was like someone flipped a switch for her thoughts. She felt better even though she was still keeping the secret of the baby to herself. She didn’t want to open a new wound for Duke. She would sure she would lose him too. Losing Jack almost killed her. Knowing she put Duke through more hell would be torture for her.

  Paxton never texted or called Jack that week. She was needing to work on forgiving herself and getting her life back before she tried to repair any relationship with Jack. He said he would give her space and that is exactly what she needed. She could only change so much. Jack was true to his word though. He hadn’t tried to contact Paxton at all.

  She was packing up his stuff from the office. She was going to make it her own office. She wanted to get back into hospital. She wanted to be in a surgery. If she were going to try to get her job back, she knew she would need to catch up on surgical news, procedures, figure out when Medical extended learning classes were. She would have to make sure to take a couple and go to conferences otherwise her license would be void. She hated state laws at that moment. She grabbed her tape gun and taped up the last box. The last of Jack’s stuff took up eight boxes. She texted him for a shipping address. Jack was going to be out of her life for the moment.

  A knock on the door pulled her out of the office. She opened the door and found Jonathan standing there.

  “Hey, I wasn’t expecting you but I was just thinking about calling you,” she said testing the waters with him. She hadn’t talked to him since the night Jack showed up.

  “Jack is getting ready to go back to New York. You are breaking his heart Paxton. I haven’t seen him so empty before.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him. I can’t. I’m trying to focus on myself first.”

  “I understand that but you should talk to him.”

  “I will. I just can’t right now. If that’s all that you came here for, I’m sorry to disappoint you but please come in. I need to talk to you about my job,” she said opening the door wider for him to come in. He hesitated before he came in.

  “Listen, I know that Jack told you I sent the picture of you and Duke. I’m sorry. You both are my friends and frankly you two belong together.”

  “No you’re not but I forgive you. Now, if you don’t mind I don’t want to talk about Jack.” Paxton led him towards the kitchen. “Would you like anything to drink?”

  “Water is fine.” He replied sitting at the table in the dining area.

  Paxton poured herself a cup of tea and grabbed his water. She was getting nervous about the impending conversation. She set the glasses down and took the seat next to Jonathan.

  “I want to come back to work. What will it take to get me in there? I know I haven’t had my license pulled.”

  “Are you sure you are ready for that?”

  “Yes. I need to be back in there. I have forgiven myself for Ella. I feel like my old self for the most part, wiser but like my old self.”

  “Well, I would need a letter from Dr. Keeler stating you are not mental, never were. I’d need you to take a drug/alcohol test. I’d also need a few votes of confidence from people who know you.”

  “I think I can manage that. I’m not sure who to get the character votes from but I will get them.”

  “I would prefer those to come from Duke and Jack, if it were up to me, but they would have to attest for your behavior. I’m sure I can get the board to agree with me. You still have many friends at the hospital, the president of the board being one of them even though he was a jackass to you. I’m really sorry Pax.” His apology came out of nowhere. Paxton wasn’t sure what to say.

  “Thanks,” she said. He offered her a small smile. “I’m sorry too. I haven’t been a very great friend over the last year.”

  “All is forgiven. Just come back. Give Jack a call and we’ll call it good.” He stood and placed his glass in the sink. “I better be going. Let me know when you want to come back. I will set up a meeting with the board.” Paxton went over and hugged him.

  “Thanks, I’ll let you know.” She led him to the door and closed it behind him.

  She wasn’t sure how to get the vote of confidence from Jack. She really didn’t want to deal with him right now but she saw Jonathan’s point. Jack’s vote would mean something to the board, despite everything that happened. She looked at her phone. No response from Jack. She decided to call him. She didn’t want to deal with him, but this was really about her just getting her job back. She pressed the send button. It rang once, twice.

  Jack fumbled around for his phone. He couldn’t find it so he assumed it was Kenleigh’s and nudged her. She groaned and reached for the phone.

  “Yes?” She said half asleep.

  “Uh…who is this?”

  “Who is this? You are the one who called me.” Kenleigh awakened a little bit more.

  “I called Jack’s phone. Who the hell are you?” Sudden recognition of the voice hit her.

  “Paxton, its Kenleigh,” she said quickly sitting up.

  She heard a click on the other end. She stared at the phone and it was indeed Jack’s. It was two in the afternoon. She didn’t remember much of last night or the past few. Jack went on a bender over the last few nights and she followed him around, only last night she ended up in his bed. She lifted the covers to see if she was letting her imagination get to her. Nope, Kenleigh found herself naked in Jack’s bed.

  She remembered his hands all over her at the bars. They both were drinking a little too much. The bartender who knew Jack, called a cab for them. They got back here and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They were both filling a need. Kenleigh had started to really fall for her friend over the last couple of days. She knew that he was just trying to forget Paxton but she didn’t care. She needed him. She wanted him. Kenleigh allowed him to take her to bed. She remembered the feel of his skin against hers. It was heaven almost a perfect fit. His primal need led to the most wonderful climax she ever had. Then it dawned on her that she may have just fucked him over in more ways than one now. He may push her away for it.

  “Oh fuck, Jack wake up!” She nudged at him and then shoved him when he didn’t wake up. “Jack open your eyes, I think I just screwed things up.”

  Jack groaned. His head was killing him. “What the hell Kitten?”

  “Jack, focus. Look at where we are!” Kenleigh’s yelling wasn’t helping Jack’s head.

  He didn’t remember them coming back to the hotel. He didn’t remember a lot of the past couple of days except for the fact that Paxton never called, never texted. He sat up and rubbed his eyes trying to wake himself up. He looked over and saw Kenleigh, who seemed to be naked in his bed. He looked down at himself and he was probably as equally as naked as she was under the sheets.

  “Oh fuck me!” Jack said hanging his head.

  “I think I already did, but now I think I really screwed you over,” Kenleigh said without thinking. Jack snapped his head up and looked at her.

  “What are you talking about? I probably took advantage of you last night.” He regretted crossing the line with Kenleigh.

  “No you didn’t. I could have stopped you but I didn’t and now,” Kenleigh paused trying to find the words. “Paxton called. That was your phone ringing not mine. Your
phone was on my side.”

  “Paxton called?” Jack felt like the rug was pulled out from under him. “What did she say? Why didn’t you let me talk to her?”

  “I thought it was my phone, once I figured out it was her, I let her know who I was. She just hung up. I’m sorry Jack. I was half asleep when I answered.”

  Jack jumped out of bed and paced. He didn’t care about not having clothes on. All he cared about is why Paxton called and what she was thinking now. Paxton was always somewhat jealous of Kenleigh even though she had no reason to be. Now Jack knew his headache was the least of his problems. He wasn’t sure what to do but he looked at Kenleigh. She had a look of regret on her face. He climbed in the bed on his knee and reached out to her.

  “I’m going to be honest, I don’t really remember last night. I’m sure we both weren’t in the right mind, but I love you Kitten. Not in the way I love Paxton but you have been there through all the rough times, you are my best friend. I don’t regret last night, but I can’t let Paxton slip through my fingers, not again. Don’t you regret it,” he rested his forehead against hers. “Okay?”

  “I love you too Jack. Sometimes I wish it were me you were hung up on but I know Paxton holds your heart. I’m not going to leave you now. If she crushes you again though, I will kill her. I hate seeing you like this.”

  Jack’s heart ached for Kenleigh. He did not know what he would do without her. It dawned on him that Kenleigh also held a piece of his heart. Maybe with some time, Kenleigh could hold his whole heart instead of Paxton but Jack knew his feelings for Kenleigh were vastly different than what he felt for Paxton.

  Kenleigh pulled back from Jack. He looked at her as she climbed out of bed. Jack saw how beautiful she was. Under different circumstances, maybe they could work out. She was smart, beautiful, funny and motivated.

  “I’m gonna go shower in my room. I know you need some time.” Kenleigh pulled on her dress. She put her undergarments in her purse and grabbed her phone. She walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Jack sighed as he saw her walk out the door. “Call me later.”