Eyes Turned Skyward

by Rebecca Yarros

  “Are you going to anyway?” I threw myself onto the couch, where I intended to stay the rest of the day.

  “Yes.” He folded his arms in front of his chest.

  “Well, then, it doesn’t matter what I answer.”

  “What the hell are you doing with that girl?”

  What the hell did he know about Anna? “What do you mean?” I asked carefully.

  “Look, I know you and Josh go way back, and he should probably be the one saying this, but he’s not here, so I will. She has a boyfriend, Jagger. A boyfriend who is more than capable of teaching her how to swim. What are you getting yourself into with Paisley?”

  Paisley. Just hearing her name took over every thought I had. Her smile, her laugh, all made me want everything I had no right to—

  “And why didn’t you tell her you’re in flight school?”

  Because then I’ll have to tell her when I fuck up and fail out. “Didn’t want to.”

  “Seriously, man. That shit’s not cool. And weren’t you just going off about how girls during flight school are too much of a distraction?”

  I took a deep breath and rubbed the spot between my eyebrows. “You don’t think I know that? I’m keeping it as platonic as I fucking can. I know she has a boyfriend, and I’m not chasing her down for sex, so that shouldn’t be a problem. I want to make sure she can swim, and then I’ll walk away.” Liar.

  “And fix her library.”

  “That, too.” I ripped my hat off and stroked my thumb over the Bruins logo.

  His eyes narrowed. “I see the way you look at her, and she doesn’t look like the kind of girl who cheats on her boyfriend. She’s going to rip you to pieces, and the worst part is she won’t have a clue she’s done it. Be. Careful.” He grabbed his bag and keys. “I’m headed to the gym for a few, so listen for the timer. Burn lunch and I burn you.”

  I rested my head and stared at the ceiling fan. What the hell was I doing with Paisley, and why couldn’t I stop? Twice in the last forty-eight hours, and damn if I wasn’t addicted to the way she made me feel when I was around her, all hopeful and protective. I needed to find an easy lay and fuck her out of my head.

  Something told me that usual tactic wouldn’t work this time.

  She was already distracting me, making me want things I didn’t understand. I’m trusting you, she’d said, and the worst part was that I wanted to be worthy of it, perpetual fuckup or not. But she didn’t know my history, not from college, not from…before, and that was the only reason she’d put her life in my hands.

  Grayson was right. She was going to rip me apart.

  And I was going to let her.

  Chapter Seven

  Paisley

  31. Put my life in the hands of a total stranger.

  My fingers shook as I removed my watch. The pool was silent, as it should be, since it was nine p.m. on a Sunday and long since closed. Major Davidson hadn’t batted an eye when I’d asked him for permission to use the facility. He’d even promised not to tell. It helped that he’d finished his assignment as Daddy’s aide.

  I wrapped the towel around my body and walked out of the locker room to the pool deck. Jagger came out from the opposite side at the same time. How did he look like that? He stretched, exposing the mouthwatering lines of his abs. Friends. Friends. Friends.

  “Ready?”

  He flicked his tongue ring across his teeth, the clicking sound reverberating off the walls around me. “Let’s go.” He backed up, sent me a wicked smile, and then raced toward the pool’s edge—despite all the signs that said not to run—and cannonballed perfectly. “Your turn.”

  I dropped the towel, thankful that I’d chosen my halter-top one-piece, and folded it neatly on the bench. Then I entered in the shallow end, taking even breaths as the water crept up my body. At least it was warm. Kind of.

  The water was to my chest by the time I reached Jagger. His smile was reward enough for getting in the pool. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

  No, not if you enjoy things like a thousand spiders crawling all over you, or large vats of water waiting to swallow you whole. “Let’s get on with it.”

  “Why are you so scared of the water?”

  “Did your tongue ring hurt?” I shot the question at him like ammunition.

  His head cocked to the side, and his eyes narrowed. “Yeah, okay. We can do that. ‘Quid pro quo, Clarice.’”

  I smiled at his Silence of the Lambs reference and relaxed a little. “I can do that. No lies?”

  His eyes took on a fierce glint. “I will never lie to you, Paisley. I might not tell you what you want to hear, but I’ll never lie. You?”

  The question felt meaningful, like one of those moments worth memorizing. “I promise I’ll never lie to you, Jagger.” I didn’t have to tell him everything, just no lies.

  “Okay. So, how did you get us in here after closing?”

  I couldn’t look away from those eyes if I tried. “I asked nicely. I like this game. Tongue ring?”

  “The stud? Seventeenth birthday, and it hurt like a bitch, but it was worth it to see the look on my father’s face.” He grinned and flicked it across his teeth again.

  Heaven help me, my entire body clenched, and a stab of pure want slammed through me, pulsing low and deep in my belly.

  “Fear of the water?”

  I swallowed, my mouth suddenly dry despite being surrounded by water. I skimmed my palm along the surface, enjoying the sensation of balancing between two mediums. “I fell into a lake when I was little. It felt like forever until Pey—” I stammered and took a breath. “Peyton saw me and pulled me out, but I never went in again.”

  His tattoo rippled on his arm as he held out his hand. “Come here.” There were letters mixed in with the tribal work. C2G? What did that mean?

  My heart skipped, and I placed my hand above it out of habit. I took the step that separated us, keeping count of the beats to make sure I stayed on rhythm. No heart attack tonight. He gently turned me around. “What are we doing?”

  “Floating. Did you really waste your question on that?” He chuckled. “Lie back.”

  I tensed. “What?”

  His breath sent shivers down my neck. “Trust me, Paisley. I won’t let anything happen to you. Put your head on my shoulder.” He lowered himself shoulder-deep into the water. “Close your eyes and relax.”

  I inhaled a shaky breath and then gave myself over to trusting him, resting my head on his shoulder.

  “Good. Now palms to the sky.”

  “We’re inside.”

  “Yes, smarty, we are. Palms up.”

  I stretched my arms out like I’d seen done many times and turned my palms up to the ceiling. I was more aware of his heartbeat than my own, the way his chest rose evenly with every breath. “Feet up.”

  My eyes flew open. “Can we just do this part for the day?”

  He shook his head, his chin rubbing across the top of my hair. “Close your eyes. Ask me another question.” His hands drifted along my back until they rested at the center of my waist, supporting what little weight I had in the water.

  With his hands on me, it was easier to close my eyes and try to forget I was in a giant tub of death. “Your tattoos. How many?”

  He sucked in his breath. “Five individual pieces.”

  “Do they all mean something? I mean, they’re beautiful on you, I’m just wondering if they’re art or…something more?” I relaxed, focusing on his hands and keeping my own facing up. It was strangely comfortable to be so intimate with someone I barely knew.

  It was stranger feeling as if I already knew him so intimately.

  “They all symbolize something to me.”

  The water swished around my head as he lowered us a little more, but the usual panic didn’t set in. “Which one is your favorite?”

  “Isn’t it my turn?” I heard his smile.

  “Sure.”

  “What’s your favorite part of being in a relationship?”

&nb
sp; “That’s an odd question.” I almost jerked, but his hands kept me steady.

  “It’s mine to ask.”

  I sighed. “Right. Quid pro quo. Well, I guess I love the ease. I know what his reaction will be to most things, so everything is just…comfortable. Effortless. He knows my worst qualities and doesn’t run screaming, and he knows my past because he was there for it.” He knows I could drop dead at any moment. “What about you?”

  He tensed. “I don’t know. I’ve never really had a functional relationship.”

  “Ever?”

  “Ever. I’ve seen it, though, with my friends.” He took a deep breath, raising and lowering my head slightly. “I think I admire the connection between them. They have this…pull, an utter drive to be close to each other, like even a breath separating them is too much.”

  An ache resonated from my heart that had nothing to do with my condition. “That’s what you want.”

  Four heartbeats passed. “Yes, eventually. I’ve seen love burn someone to the ground, and I’ve seen it make sense of the ridiculous. I won’t settle for less than that kind of fire.”

  That was the most irrational thing I’d ever heard, and something in my soul seemed to flicker awake and take notice. “Steady doesn’t do it for you? You’d rather chance destruction?”

  “If it’s between being numb the rest of my life or burning exquisitely for even a moment, I’ll take the burn. The best things in life are worth the burn, the risk.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat like he hadn’t just altered my world. Was I burning? On fire with Will?

  “Open your eyes, Paisley.”

  I did, feeling weightless. “Jagger!”

  He laughed, still behind me, my head on his shoulder, but the rest of me was floating. I jerked in fear, sinking immediately. He drew me against him, bringing me vertical before I could go under. I turned around, suddenly all too aware of how personal our conversation had been. How inappropriate when I thought of how Will might feel about it.

  I moved out of his arms and pushed through a weak smile. “That was amazing.” That need to get away was almost as powerful as the one screaming to get closer. Could he feel this insane tension, or was I losing my mind?

  “Yeah, you did great. I think…” He shook his head. “I think we can call that our success for today.”

  I didn’t need to be told twice. I scurried up the ladder and onto the pool deck, wrapping myself in the towel. “So when’s our next session, coach?”

  He pulled himself up, water slipping down the lines of his muscles. Breathe. “I’m working out of town for a few weeks, but I’ll call you when I get home?”

  Right. I forgot that’s why he couldn’t start the library project yet. “No problem.”

  He toweled off his hair and wrapped the cloth around his shoulders like one of those beach models. Mr. California, indeed. “Meet you out front?”

  I nodded, retreated to the locker room, and pulled out my cell phone to connect with my real life. The phone rang as I tugged the wet suit down my body with a sucking sound.

  “Hey, honey, I’m heading over to your place.”

  Will’s voice soothed the unsettled feeling in my heart. “Sounds great. I’m finishing my lesson and then I’ll be home.”

  “Love you.”

  I paused, wondering what that really meant for the first time in my life. This was love, right? The steady, easy, solid feeling in my heart? Burning was a ridiculous notion. Who would sign up for that kind of insanity?

  I couldn’t afford anything like fire anywhere near my heart.

  “Lee-Lee?”

  I cringed at the name. “Love you, too. Be home soon.”

  I dressed and convinced myself to stop being silly. Love was what my parents had, what gave a foundation to a home. It was sturdy and dependable, not wild or untamed—that was ludicrous. I clicked the lights off and locked the door behind me, pocketing the key.

  The sky had gone dark, and the stars dimly winked above me. My hair dripped down my back, and I gave it a squeeze, trying to wring the last of the water out of it.

  Jagger leaned against Lucy, and I forced Will foremost in my mind. “Thanks for waiting on me.”

  That smile nearly sent me to my knees. “Yeah, well, it would be a shame to go to all this work to keep you alive near the water just to have you killed by a roaming alligator.”

  “He’s harmless, you know.”

  He cocked an eyebrow. “He’s a roving menace.”

  “George only roves his little pond, scaredy-cat.” I pressed my key fob, unlocking my car, and Jagger closed the distance before I could, opening my door. “Thank you, sir.” I slid behind the wheel, tossing my bag on the seat next to me.

  He leaned in between the frame and the door. “One more question?”

  “Yes.” I leaned back, all too aware of how close he stood.

  “Who is Peyton?” I felt the blood rush from my face. “You had trouble saying that name.”

  My fingers bit into my steering wheel, my nails impressing the leather. Three heartbeats passed before I dragged my gaze to meet his. No lies, we promised. But to tell him? To dig into a wound that barely felt scabbed over?

  If there had been annoyance at my refusal, or even acceptance, I could have closed the door, both on him and the answer. But he stood there, looking at me with eyes that saw way too much and not nearly enough, patiently waiting.

  “She was my older sister. My only sister.” The words didn’t hurt as they slipped free; instead they seemed to dissolve some weight I’d been carrying.

  He gave me a sad smile. “Thank you for telling me. Good night.” He shut my door and was at his car before I unrolled the window.

  “Jagger?”

  He turned, Lucy’s door opened. “Yeah?”

  We walked a fine line between borderline proper and absolutely not. I stuck my big toe across it, reveling in the honesty he drew out of me. “I’m going to miss you.”

  He looked at me with a gaze so intense that I forgot to breathe. “Yeah, me, too.” He climbed into Lucy and leaned out to grab the door. “You know how that feels, right, missing someone?”

  “Sure.” I’d missed Will when he’d been at West Point this last year. It was sweet longing to be near him, to talk to him and hear his voice.

  “It kind of feels like burning.”

  Chapter Eight

  Jagger

  There’s never been a day where I didn’t crave it from you—approval. But now, I could give a flying fuck what you think of me.

  “Man, how much are you planning on eating?” Josh asked as I shoved another piece of Mellow Mushroom pizza down.

  I swallowed. “Shut your face. I’m fucking starving.”

  He laughed. “I know it was a long three weeks, but you were starving on the last pizza. This is overkill, and we have PT in the morning.”

  I groaned. I still felt like warmed-over dog shit, but three weeks of SERE training would do that. I lifted my shirt, tensing my abs. “I think I can pass a PT test.”

  “Put that away, you’re turning me on,” he joked, sending a text message.

  “You get ahold of Ember yet?”

  He held his finger up while he downed another bottle of Gatorade. Dehydrated didn’t quite describe us well enough. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Yeah. I’m headed up this afternoon after formation.”

  “All weekend with Masters. Maybe we can sit around in silence.”

  “He’s not that bad.”

  “The guy refuses to talk about himself.”

  Josh cracked a smile. “Well, you like to talk about yourself enough for the both of you.” He started toward his room, pulling another bottle out of the fridge on the way. “Hey, did I tell you I found a pickup game?”

  “No shit? There’s no ice around here.” I’d just about cut off a testicle to get in my pads and play. I missed it. The noise of the crowd. The silence in my head. The feel of the blade against the ice. God, the smell in the rin
k. It was a bitch to go from playing every day in college to nothing.

  “Not here, but in Montgomery. Worth the drive to you?”

  “Hell, yes.”

  Josh nodded. “I’ll let them know we’re interested. I have to pack my clothes.”

  “What?” I called out. “I figured you spent every weekend naked!”

  He flipped me the bird and kept walking. His sex life wasn’t ever up for discussion. I respected that, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t give him shit over it. I tossed the empty pizza box in the recycling pile, grabbed my keys, and headed out. I had two hours before formation; I could make it to the library.

  SERE had sucked royally. But the one thing that pulled me through the hours spent in that tiny fucking box? Thinking about those green eyes. I was everything she didn’t need: self-destructive, egotistical, and reckless. But damn if she didn’t feel like what I needed. Even as only friends, I’d take whatever piece of her I could get.

  Pumpkins lined the patio of our next-door neighbor’s house, and the little old lady shook her head at me and pointed to the huge USPS box on the patio. They’d delivered the held mail. I picked up the box by the handles and placed it just inside the front door. Well, except the envelope right on top. I folded that one and stuck it in the cargo pocket of my shorts.

  I’d deal with that later.

  I pulled the door shut, walking the small weed-ridden sidewalk to the driveway. I needed to do something about that with all my spare time. Weeds. Mortgage. Landscaping. Sometimes I wanted to retreat to the apartment I’d shared with Josh the last two years.

  I waved politely to our neighbor. “Good afternoon, Mrs. King.” She’d made it clear she wasn’t happy about having flight school students buy the house next door, like we would immediately haul in a keg and keep it in the backyard. What did we look like? A bunch of immature college kids?

  We’d already installed the kegerator in the kitchen.

  She pursed her lips under her giant gardening hat. “Those dahlias never looked that sad when the Robertsons owned the house.”

  I stifled my laugh. “Yes, ma’am. I’ll work on that.”