Eyes Turned Skyward

by Rebecca Yarros

  Ah. Gotcha. I shut the door, set both bags down near the dresser, and tugged my shirt over my head. Her breath hitched, but the lust-filled haze that usually came over her eyes wasn’t there. Oh, no, that usual appreciation had been replaced by apprehension.

  “Aren’t you going to get undressed?” How far would I have to push?

  “Wh-what?” she stammered.

  “Well, you aren’t going to sleep in your clothes, are you?” I unbuckled my belt, and her eyes grew impossibly wide, like a deer caught in the headlights. Teasing her was too damn fun.

  “Clothes?”

  I went for the kill and dropped my jeans, kicking them off so I stood in only my boxer briefs. “Well, sex is kind of impossible in your clothes.”

  She took three quick, gasping breaths. “Oh, I…maybe… Um…”

  She turned to the door, ready to bolt, and I made it to her just in time to keep it closed, pressing my arm to hers but nothing more. “Relax, Little Bird, and tell me what’s on your mind.”

  She turned in my arms, still in full runaway mode. “Jagger, I love being with you, but I don’t think I’m ready to…be with you, if you follow.”

  I feigned a look of shock. “You mean you didn’t just drive to Nashville for me to strip you down and worship your body until we were both limp from orgasms?”

  A spark lit in her eyes, and she raked her gaze down my abs before retreating, only to be blocked by the door. “Well, I mean…”

  “Don’t people have sex the first day they decide to be in a relationship?” I tried, but couldn’t hold out, and laughed. “Paisley, come on.”

  She turned as red as the bow she’d been wearing, which was now tucked away safely in my bag. “You’re joking.” She took a deep breath. “Sweet heavens, you’re teasing me!”

  I wrapped my arms around her. “It took you long enough to realize it.”

  “I feel like an idiot.”

  Barefoot, she didn’t reach my collarbone, but I could smell her apple shampoo from here. “I just wanted to see when you’d push back.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “You were testing me.”

  “Yep.” I moved my hand to her face, brushing over her smattering of freckles before running my thumb along her porcelain cheekbone. “No matter what, we don’t lie, right? That’s always been our deal.”

  She covered my hand with hers, leaning into it. “Right. No lies.”

  “I’ll never push you into anything you don’t want, especially not sex. But you have to be open with me, or this is going to be impossible.”

  She smirked. “Jagger, I would like to not have sex with you tonight.”

  “Well, there went my evening plans. Guess I’d better go watch some TV.”

  “Ha. Ha. You’re funny!” She pulled out her pajamas, and then we took turns in the bathroom, readying for bed.

  I’d never been in such a domestic scene with a girl. She even borrowed my toothpaste.

  Lights out, we climbed into bed, and I pulled her into my arms. She was so tiny, yet fit beside me perfectly.

  “You know I’ve slept with Will—”

  “Yes,” I bit out, refusing to think about Carter’s hands on her skin, his body over hers. Nope, that would earn him a busted face when we got back to class, which wasn’t exactly fair.

  “He’s it, Jagger, and it wasn’t exactly…thrilling.”

  Not thrilling. Hell, yes. I was good at two things: fucking and flying. I’d wipe away the memory of that asshat one orgasm at a time, or two. Sex was easy. I’d been doing it since I was fifteen. But with Paisley? That was in a different realm, a different dimension. Shit, I was going to give myself performance anxiety, just thinking about it.

  “So, I’m a lot less…experienced than you are. It’s not something I treat lightly. I know you think of it a little differently, and I don’t want to disappoint you.”

  Her admission sliced away my bravado, and for the first time, I wished I hadn’t slept with so many girls, that I’d come to her a little less experienced. A lot less experienced.

  “I’ve never been in a real relationship.” My hand spanned across the curve of her waist, reassuring myself that I was in one now. “Sex, sure, but I don’t know what it’s like to really trust a woman, or to make love to one. There are some things you are way more experienced at.”

  “We’ll figure it out.” She brought my hand to her lips for a kiss.

  “Just clue me into what you’re thinking, Paisley. I promise I won’t let you down.”

  She tensed under my hand. “There are things about me that you don’t know.”

  “There are tons of things about me that you don’t know,” I countered. “Are you ready to tell me yours?” I wanted to tell her as much as I wanted her a million miles away from it.

  “Not yet, and I know that’s not fair.”

  “Then don’t. Let’s do things backward, start with”—I swallowed—“trust. No miscommunications, just trust, and then we’ll fill in the blanks as we’re both ready.” Holy shit, I said it.

  She relaxed, her body forming to mine. “Jagger?”

  “Mmm-hmm?” I’d never spent this much time in bed with a woman with her clothes on, let alone one who wanted to talk, but I’d listen to Paisley read a phone book if she wanted.

  “Does no sex mean no kissing?”

  I didn’t need to be asked twice and slid her under me. I lingered above her for a few breaths, drinking in how exquisite she was. Her hair spread all over her pillow, and her lips were full, parted. The straps of her tank top caressed her collarbone, and the skin of her chest was flawless, rising with each breath she took. I refused to look lower, where her breasts rested. There was zero chance I was fucking this up the first night I had her.

  “Want to know the biggest reason I’m okay waiting to make love to you?”

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  “Anticipation is the best part. Wondering where every kiss will lead.”

  She tangled her legs with mine. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Definitely.” I stole a glance at the clock—12:04 a.m. Slowly, I lowered my lips to hers, brushing across them lightly. “Merry Christmas, Paisley.”

  She smiled against my lips. “Merry Christmas, Jagger.”

  She kissed me then, the softest, warmest caress I’d ever had. I wrapped her in my arms and stayed awake longer than she did, my mind racing.

  I’d never felt anything as right as having her in my arms, her lips moving with mine. It was a sense of home that I hadn’t felt since…well, too long.

  I drifted, jerking awake only to reassure myself I hadn’t been dreaming and Paisley was really here. I caressed the line of her hip, my hand sliding easily over her satin pajama pants, and finally gave in, breathing in the scent of apples.

  The cell phone jolted me awake, and I rolled to the side, momentarily confused as to where my left arm was. Ah, under Paisley’s head. I blinked into consciousness, reaching for the phone. Unknown on caller ID. I swiped the phone on, gently disengaging my arm.

  “Hello?”

  “Jag?”

  Holy shit. I sat at the edge of the bed, instantly aware. I leaned over, resting my elbows on my bare knees, trying to decide if I was about to cry with relief or puke up dinner. “Anna?” The whisper was all I could manage.

  “Oh, Jag.” She sniffled. Was she drunk? High?

  My stomach clenched. “Anna, where are you? Tell me. I can be there in twelve hours.” I reached for my pants, pulling them on in one smooth motion.

  “I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me.” The noise of a party infiltrated the background.

  “Don’t have to worry? Anna, I worry about you every fucking day.” I kept my voice low so I wouldn’t wake Paisley, and tugged my shirt over my head. “Please, tell me where you are.”

  “I miss you. I miss seeing you smile. Are you happy?” Her words started to slur.

  “Anna, I won’t ever be happy unless I know where you are, that you’re safe.”

 
“Would you come see me if I told you? Would you stay with me?”

  My eyes closed of their own volition. “Of course I would come. I’ll get on the first plane.” But I wouldn’t stay. I knew I’d get dragged down before I could pull her out. I forgot all sense of time and priorities when I was with her. “Just tell me where you are.”

  I opened my bag and dug around for socks, calculating my distance to the airport.

  “Oh, Jag. I love you, but I’m no good for you.” Her speech grew heavy.

  “Anna, you’re as much a part of me as my own skin. There’s no good, no bad, just us. Please, for the love of God, tell me where you are. I’m so damned worried.” She had to tell me. I couldn’t not know if she was hurt, or broke. “At least let me send you money.”

  “You’re better off without me.”

  “No. I’m never better off. I need you. I will always need you! Tell me where to come, and I’ll be there.” That sense of foreboding crept along my skin. This was going to end like usual.

  “Do you still love me?”

  I paused, looking over to where Paisley slept, the first real chance at happiness I’d had. But she was safe. Anna wasn’t, and this wasn’t a choice between them. “I will always love you, no matter where you are or what you do. Can you understand that? You’re never too far gone.”

  “You can’t save me.”

  “I can if you’ll let me.” Her heavy breaths were nearly drowned out by the thumping bass in the background.

  “Merry Christmas, Jag. I love you so fucking much.” Her voice broke on a sob, and the distinct beep told me the call had been ended.

  “Merry Christmas,” I whispered to her, even though she couldn’t hear me.

  I lifted my phone, needing to throw it, to destroy something, anything, but if she called again, I’d need it. Who the fuck was I kidding? She wasn’t going to call. I slid down the wall and collapsed, my head on my knees.

  I sat there for another forty-two minutes, watching each tick by the light of my cell phone, praying it would ring again, that she’d call from an unblocked number, and I could track her down.

  One call and I was in a dive, the only question being what kind of rock bottom I’d hit. I was supposed to protect her, to keep her safe. I’d promised her. I’d failed, ever the quintessential fuckup.

  The sheets rustled. “Jagger?” Paisley sat and turned her head until she saw me. “Everything okay?” Her hair was wild, falling around her and catching the small rays from the streetlight like a halo. She hadn’t even been mine twelve hours, and I’d nearly left her to chase a ghost.

  I shook my head.

  Her feet made no noise as she came to me. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shook my head again.

  Her lips parted, and her eyes practically dripped sympathy as she held out her hand. “Then come to bed.”

  I took it, then stripped to my boxer briefs before climbing in next to her. She burrowed into me and lifted my hand to her waist, like she’d known touching her would bring relief. It did. She wound her fingers through mine and wiggled across the scant inch that separated us, pressing her body against me shoulder to toe.

  Her breaths evened out into sleep, and I ran my fingers over her bare shoulder, savoring the soft skin. I fucked up almost everything in my life, but not her. I couldn’t let any of my shit storm touch her, mar her in any way.

  Anna was the cycle I couldn’t manage to break—wouldn’t break. But what if it cost me Paisley? What if she didn’t understand?

  I swallowed the fear, refusing to let it steal tonight, the heaven of holding her, when I’d been waiting so long. It crept in anyway, causing me to clutch her just a little tighter. I should have been ecstatic watching her sleep in my arms, but I could only focus on one fact.

  Now I had something to lose.

  Chapter Twenty

  Paisley

  13. Drive recklessly.

  “Ah, you came prepared!” Ember sat next to me at the rink.

  “I’ll get the hang of this.” I zipped my jacket.

  She offered me a steaming cup from Starbucks. “I don’t drink coffee, but thank you kindly for the thought.”

  “Jagger told me while you were up at Christmas. It’s hot apple cider.”

  I took it from her gratefully. “I think I love you.”

  “Now that,” Sam said, stealing the third cup from the carrying tray, “is my latte. I’m not sure I’ve missed these chilly Josh-watching dates, Ember.” She slid past me in stylish skinny jeans and boots, taking the other seat next to me.

  “You like it and you know it,” Ember jibed.

  “Well, now that drooling over Jagger is off the table…”

  My gaze snapped to hers, one eyebrow raised. She got the point, and started laughing. “Oh, sweet little Paisley. I’m so glad you have some spunk under there!” She touched my arm in all seriousness. “I’m not interested in Jagger, I promise. I just wanted to make sure you really were.”

  “Because driving to Nashville was just a little jaunt and all,” I said sweetly. “Christmas just seemed like the right time to alienate my parents for a little hay roll.”

  She sputtered out her coffee. “Good God, you southern girls can say ‘go to hell’ with a smile on your face, huh?”

  “Don’t worry, you’re not being insulted until someone blesses your heart or calls you sweet.”

  She rested her feet on the chair in front of her. “Well, now that’s cleared up.”

  “Are your parents talking to you yet?” Ember asked, eyes glued to Josh as he skated toward the goal. It was their third game this week, and their last for a while, since leave was over soon.

  “Barely. It’s actually kind of nice.” I sipped the cider, relishing the warmth. “They’re throwing their annual party tomorrow night, so we’ll see how they take the Jagger news.”

  “They don’t know you’re dating Jagger?” Ember asked, her eyes darting to mine.

  “I figure tomorrow night is the best time to tell them. Too many witnesses for Mama to go postal, or Daddy to toss him off post.”

  “They’re not Jagger fans?” Sam asked. “I mean, that tongue piercing of his and those tats…I guess he’s not really the guy you take home to Mom.”

  Again, I couldn’t help but wonder what the history between them was, and she saw it on my face.

  “Next-door neighbors, remember? Plus, girls on campus talked. Josh may have been a little man-whorish in his day, but Jagger…I’ve never seen him with the same girl twice.”

  Ember cleared her throat. “Sam meant to say that we’ve never seen him in a committed relationship, and it’s so nice to see him maturing. Don’t let her scare you.” She reached around me and tugged on Sam’s hair. “Don’t be a wretch, Samantha.”

  “But I’m good at it.”

  I laughed. “You remind me of Morgan, my best friend. Y’all would definitely get along.”

  “Did she get kicked out of school, too?”

  I shook my head. “No, but she’s a kindred spirit. Come down to Alabama, and I’ll introduce you.”

  “You want me that close to Jagger?” She waggled her eyebrows at me.

  I took a long pull of my cider. “Don’t push your luck. But Josh and Jagger have made friends, you know…”

  “Oh, hell, no. I’m staying away from anything in a uniform.”

  Jagger stole the puck and flew down the ice. He nailed his shot, scoring. I jumped out of my seat, squealing like a crazy woman.

  He fist-bumped Josh and waved at me before another play.

  I was the only one on my feet, and my cheeks heated, despite the freezing temps. I smoothed my coat and sat, keeping my gaze on the ice.

  Both Sam and Ember broke out in laughter. “Oh, you’ve got it bad,” Sam said between gulps of air.

  I let loose a smile but didn’t argue. They were right.

  Jagger came through the doors of the rink, and I didn’t hesitate, just skipped over to him and jumped. He caught me easily. I
didn’t even reprimand him for manhandling my rear in public—my mouth was too busy kissing him.

  “So, you guys coming home or planning on sleeping here at the rink?” Josh joked.

  I broke away. “Want to go do something with me?” I asked Jagger.

  “Whatever you want.”

  “That’s a dangerous offer, Jagger Bateman. I might want to paint your toenails pink.” I loved being held eye level with him, so close I could lose myself in those electric blues.

  “Then I would probably have to keep my socks on at all times.”

  “Hey, Jagger, I think you’ve got your damn hands full with that one.” Ember laughed, looping her arm around Josh’s waist.

  “Yeah, yeah.” He waved her off, and they headed out the door with Sam.

  “What did you have in mind?” Jagger walked us toward the door, despite my dangling feet.

  “Oh, just checking off some boxes.”

  “One day I need to see this infamous list. I’m beginning to think you just add things as you want to do them.”

  “Wait until you see number fourteen.” I smiled, then slid down his body and headed to the car. Something told me he wouldn’t have a problem producing a mind-blowing orgasm.

  “Seriously?” he asked, his knees nearly pressed to his chest in the tiny go-kart. “This is on your list?”

  I buckled my belt and winked at him. “It’s a suitable environment for driving recklessly.”

  “I’m never going to get used to you, am I?”

  “I hope not.” I lowered my sunglasses as the light turned green. Flooring it, I zoomed out ahead of the other racers, who were all at least ten years younger. Jagger caught me easily at the first turn, accelerating through it where I braked.

  That was the way he did everything, speeding ahead when common sense said to slow down. One of the kids rubbed my left side, and I hit the gas, the force sliding me back in my seat. I kept the pedal to the floor, eased up before the curves, and accelerated out of them, darn near keeping pace with Jagger.

  The speed whipped the loose tendrils of my hair, and the wind stole the moisture from my lips. I edged out the kid next to me, moving to the center of the track so he couldn’t get beside me again. We took the overpass at full throttle, and I crept up on Jagger, nearly on his bumper.