The Sweetness of Liberty James

by Janey Lewis

  ‘Oh, get on with it, boy!’ she shouted into the dishwasher.

  56

  ‘What a day!’ sighed Liberty. ‘And I haven’t had the time to thank you properly for all your help. I couldn’t have done it without you – goodness, it wouldn’t have happened at all, it was your idea in the first place!’

  ‘Of course you could, and you would have. But I’m pleased I was there,’ said Edmund, feeling as he always did under her praise; a thousand feet tall and capable of anything. He gently guided her away from the windows or any chance of being observed. They passed the fountain, generously covered in rambling briars and honeysuckle, then turned down a little gravel path that led to the rose garden. ‘My mother loved this place,’ he said, as they emerged through an archway. The spring evening was scented with honeysuckle and daphne. The deep purple sky, enhanced by the soft lighting under the hedges and beside the pathways, gave everything a magical atmosphere.

  Liberty looked up at him. His face was unreadable, dark and set in the habitual scowl she had become so fond of. Who knew the illusion of grumpiness could be so endearing?

  He turned and gazed at her, whereupon his expression instantly softened. His eyes crinkled at the edges as he smiled down at her, and suddenly he was the most handsome man on earth again. Liberty knew, no, hoped he had brought her out here to say something of his feelings for her. Her tummy was fluttering around and her head was awash with the idea he was going to declare undying love, then sudden terror in case she was to be submerged in a huge wave of disappointment when she discovered she had her wires crossed and he had no feelings towards her whatsoever.

  Edmund, meanwhile, was struggling with his own fear. He knew he was not the most demonstrative of people. Gray once said, when viewing a display of photographs taken during Scott of the Antarctic’s expedition, that he didn’t think it looked that cold. ‘Edmund looks like that on most dates!’ However, he knew the time had come to say something, or be still his beating heart forever. He had been pulled to the rose garden, not just to get Liberty away from prying eyes, but also because he drew strength from this place. His mother, who had been very demonstrative, both to her husband and to her children, loved roses, and had created the garden when pregnant with Savannah. There was a lot of love here, and he took strength from his faint memories of happy days helping his mother digging and planting. He didn’t know if he was going about it the right way; he had never done this before, but he knew the outcome would change the path of his life dramatically. He summoned up all his courage and said, ‘Liberty.’

  He stopped as she swung round quickly from where she was lingering by the bower, cheeks flushed and eyes wide. She strolled as casually as she could to his side, so as to see him more clearly, wrapped her pashmina round her shoulders, and in a slightly breathless voice said, ‘Edmund?’

  He took her cool hand in his and started to speak. ‘Just listen to me babble on for a minute. If you think it’s all tosh, then ignore me, walk back to the house and leave me here. But let me say this.’

  Liberty felt her heart tighten, and all the moisture seemed to have gone from her mouth, so she merely nodded.

  Edmund took a huge gulp of air as though he had been underwater for too long, then said, ‘When you returned to Littlehurst, when I saw you again after all those years–’ Liberty blushed again at the memory of bending over in her underwear, then finding Edmund prostrate on the terrace, but let him continue ‘–my life changed completely. I wasn’t sure what that meant at the time, but now I realise that I fell in love with you immediately. Straight and simple. I’ve never believed in love at first sight, but that is the only way I can explain it.’

  Liberty’s heart did a triple somersault and landed back in her chest, bounding around like a crazed jack-in-the-box. She felt intense and complete joy. Her eyes welled up and she opened her mouth to speak, but Edmund put his free hand gently over her mouth. He closed his eyes.

  ‘If I don’t get this out in one go, I’ll never be able to say it, ever. So bear with me.’ He opened his eyes and began the speech he had been mulling over all day, determined to get it right. ‘These last months have been the happiest of my life, despite making such a balls-up of taking over this place. And now I have an opportunity to make a real go of things. Gray and I have been emailing a lot, and we realise that with his people skills and ability to organise, it makes so much more sense if he takes on the job of running Denhelm.’

  Oh, crap, thought Liberty, I have never got anything so wrong in my life! He is talking about running this bloody park and I thought he was going to kiss me!

  Edmund looked startled by her sudden change of expression; she now looked as though she had sucked a lemon, but he battled on. ‘I have never been so happy and relaxed as when watching you prepare, build and nurture your future, and I want to be part of that future. No, don’t worry,’ he said as he read a flash of terror in Liberty’s eyes, ‘I am not going to ask to learn how to cook and start baking. I want to return to what I do best, which is continue to run my own company, advising on environmental and ecological issues, and to be there at the end of the day, to rub your feet and run your bath. To be with you.’

  OK, thought Liberty, this is getting better.

  ‘I love you, so very much. I love the way your beautiful mouth turns up at the sides when you are tired, the way your green eyes change to turquoise when you are anxious. I love the way your bottom wobbles when you whisk egg whites. I love your compassion. I love your huge, giving heart. I even love your silly dog. Be mine, will you? Be my wife.’

  Edmund gulped. He was not used to being so open, let alone declaring undying love. It was terrifying, yet liberating at the same time. He looked at her and waited for a response.

  Liberty surprised him. She didn’t immediately say ‘yes’ and jump up and down, and she didn’t immediately say ‘no’ and jump in the lake. She looked stunned, her mouth opened a little as if to say something, but then she just clamped it shut, snatched her hand from his, placed it over her forehead and turned away. She walked unsteadily a little way until she reached a stone bench, where she stopped and suddenly sat.

  ‘Liberty? Have I offended you so much?’ He saw her shake her head and then realised her shoulders were heaving. Racing to sit next to her, he grabbed her and turned her round to face him.

  ‘It’s not meant to be like this!’ she sobbed, tears running down her face.

  ‘What? You want me to get down on one knee? I can do that,’ he said, starting to bend down.

  ‘No, no,’ she blubbed. ‘I’m meant to look all lovely and serene and say yes, and gaze into your eyes before kissing you over and over. Oh, God, how I’ve dreamed of doing that.’

  Edmund felt crazed with a mixture of confusion and lust. Couldn’t they just do that, then?

  Liberty made a noise rather like a walrus hiccupping. ‘But I can’t marry you.’

  Edmund felt his heart stop. ‘What? Do you mean that?’ He was hoping she was joking, but it didn’t sound that way.

  ‘Of course I mean it, I can’t do that to you. It would be unfair.’

  Edmund didn’t understand, but he recognised the utter horror of having to face life without this creature. He had no idea whether to hate her for letting him bare his soul as never before – but no, he could never hate her. He just shut down, his face a mask of hurt, made worse in the soft lighting as the sky was now pitch black.

  He rose and said, ‘Well, if that’s how it is.’ He was desperate to separate himself from the agonising wire around his heart. He needed to get away, and fast. He couldn’t stand to see her any longer, to face his family now that he knew she wouldn’t have him. As he turned to leave, hating to see her crying, and unable to stay and be crushed further, he couldn’t resist one last turn of the dagger in his own chest.

  ‘May I at least ask why?’

  Liberty was howling with great heaves of her chest, she hurt so badly. She desperately wanted this man, whom she couldn’t accept. ‘Why did
you have to ask me to marry you?’ she wailed. ‘If we had just been able to love each other for a little while, you may have simply gone off me when I had to let you down. At least I could have had you for myself for a while.’

  She stopped, and blew her nose. ‘You know why . . . why I can’t marry you. I can’t give you children.’ She gasped as the words came pouring out, her body now shivering uncontrollably, so near to utter happiness, but so far from being able to hold on to it.

  Edmund’s heart blossomed as though midsummer had arrived with all its madness. He immediately sat beside her and took her in his arms again, this time holding her as if he would never let go, and that was indeed how he felt. ‘If that, my darling, is the only reason that you will not have me, then stop being an idiot and accept my proposal. Do you not realise I have recognised that already? And I’m not such an idiot myself that I don’t believe it is possible for us to succeed where you and Percy, thankfully, did not. Tell me you will be my wife, and I will love you with or without the blessing of babies. Let me enjoy you, love and care for you, let me worship you and tell you every day how much you mean to me, how my world turns on making sure you wake with a smile and a hope.’

  Liberty stopped crying and stared at him through her puffy eyes. He did mean it! She was loveable! Could she let him take her on? She knew she wanted to be with him so very much. She put her arms around him, and she sniffed and snuffled for a while into his chest, impressing his words on to her heart so she would remember them forever. Then she said, her words muffled, ‘And here I am, crying uncontrollably and I look a mess. Why do I always look so muckymoo around you? I am making a big scene, which I know you hate. Have you completely gone off the idea now?’ Hiccupping and sniffing, she kept her face pushed into his chest, covering his crisp white shirt with mascara and tinted moisturiser mixed with tears. It was the only way she could hide.

  ‘My precious girl,’ he said, as he wrapped his arms around her, relief pouring through his veins. ‘I can honestly say you have never looked a mess to me, and I don’t care if you do, so long as the answer is YES.’

  Liberty withdrew her face from his shirt. It was streaked with black, and her eyelids were puffy. ‘Oh, God, yes, of course yes!’ she said, gazing up at him. ‘A million times YES!’

  Edmund took his chance before she began crying again, and grabbed her tear-soaked cheeks, drawing her mouth to his. As their lips touched she knew the electric spark needed no wind turbine to maintain its strength. The kiss deepened and quickly became passionate. Any other worries, responsibilities and hang-ups were engulfed in a delicious wave of love and desire.

  Back inside, Paloma and Deirdre were huddled in the bay window under the pretence of talking over the day. They were, however, fooling no one.

  Jonathan strolled over with his whisky and asked if they could see what the love birds were up to. ‘Bother it, no!’ replied Deirdre. ‘They have been an age. I’m sorry, Jonathan, but if they come back and announce they just needed some fresh air, I may have to kill Edmund. I can’t think why it’s taken him this long to tell her how he feels!’

  Paloma was, for once, more diplomatic. ‘Perhaps he is unused to the feeling of being in love, so maybe he didn’t recognise it at first. I believe that if sons grow up having lost their mothers at a young age, they constantly seek that strange reassurance of unrequited love. It must be very difficult to realise that adult love is so very different, and be able to give your heart when it could so easily be rejected.’

  Jonathan and Deirdre looked at the worldly woman with respect, and then burst out laughing as she followed it up with, ‘But good God, he does have a penis, doesn’t he?’

  Alain came over to join them, wondering what the happy noise was about and eager to take his own beloved back home. He had had enough of listening to how Percy had been such a let-down. Hadn’t he always known? He was ashamed he had let his daughter marry such a feckless waste of space; Percy had hurt her so much, and now there was this ridiculous notion of getting him back under control by threatening him with the loss of a painting. The fact that if thirty years ago someone had offered him lifelong triple Michelin stardom, he would have given his right arm, didn’t stop him thinking the idea was preposterous. Right now, he wanted his family as far away from Percy and his stuffy parents as possible.

  Deirdre looked up at Alain’s grumpy face and said, ‘Don’t even go there. I know what you are about to say, and you wouldn’t have changed her mind. You couldn’t have. She needed to feel secure and completely suffocated by Percy’s love. Don’t you realise that it was all our fault? Liberty needed a Percy. He told her what to do, how to dress, where to go on holiday, what to do for a job, because we hadn’t. We told her how wretched and useless the other parent was, we told her what not to do in life, because we had so many regrets. She was looking for someone to give her positive direction, and she fell into it and loved and embraced it because of Isabelle and Cecil. Can you see how strong and united they are as a couple? That’s what she was craving, and what we failed to give her!’

  After Deirdre had concluded her alcohol- and exhaustion-fuelled diatribe, Alain calmed her, and Jonathan and Paloma discreetly left them to it. Alain sat next to Deirdre and said, ‘A thousand apologies, but my darling, we are who we are. Liberty isn’t doing so badly, is she?’ And he gently wiped away the tears coursing down her face, the years of guilt finally finding an outlet.

  Claude and Evangeline, having persuaded the CRs to come and stay in St Tropez if they were ever passing through, bade their goodnights, as they were pooped. Everyone understood, and waved and kissed them goodnight in a haze of cigar smoke and post-party tiredness. The long day, and emotionally exhausting evening, had got to everyone.

  Savannah and Khalid were sitting cosily together, his hand on her tummy, while they encouraged Cecil and Isabelle to visit as many places as they could. ‘Think of the travelling you will do now that you are well,’ said Savannah to a charmed Cecil. ‘And we won’t hear of you being in France without staying with us, either in Paris or on the coast. It’s lovely for the children to have as much family as possible, as Khalid’s dear parents died so young.’

  The CRs were feeling as though they had been welcomed out of an empty home into a gregarious, funny, if slightly crazy, family, and they were truly happy for the first time in months. They had always loved their daughter-in-law, and now saw why she was the person they knew. With so much love and friendship around, it was impossible to be selfish or unkind. They, too, were exhausted, though feeling better and less isolated than before, but the threat of Percy throwing them out of their home still hovered like a black cloud over a tiny sail boat in the middle of the ocean.

  Bob and J-T were restless to get back to Duck End; they wanted to regale Liberty with ideas of looking for a suitable property to turn into a bed and breakfast business.

  Neither couple wanted to retire until the elusive Liberty and Edmund returned. Therefore, the room fell silent as the door opened slowly. A hand appeared, a left hand. Suddenly, the flickering firelight drew flames from the diamond on the hand’s ring finger.

  ‘Darling!’ screamed Deirdre and Savannah in unison, leaping out of their seats, Deirdre as quickly as she could in an alcoholic fug, and Savannah as quickly as she could release herself from Khalid. By the time the two had reached the doorway, Liberty’s whole body had entered sheepishly, followed by Edmund, who was also feeling hopeful that Jonathan would approve of his removal of his mother’s engagement ring from the safe. They had spoken of it and Jonathan had wished it to him, but Edmund hadn’t wanted to wait, and took Liberty to his office to claim her for his own. The ring fitted perfectly, and suited her; elegant, understated, but of the finest quality.

  As the women hugged, Jonathan strode over and shook Edmund by the hand before embracing him warmly. ‘About time, and bloody well done!’ he exclaimed. Alain was next in line, unable to get close to his daughter, who was being grilled by Paloma, Savannah, J-T and her mother, as to how
the proposal took place, so he settled for giving the surprised Edmund a great kiss on both cheeks.

  ‘I couldn’t be more thrilled to welcome you to my family, dear boy,’ he said, as he held Edmund’s shoulders tightly. ‘Thank you for making my daughter so happy.’ And he started to weep.

  Oh, Christ! thought Edmund, never able to stand visible displays of emotion, but he was surprised to find he didn’t mind; in fact, he was feeling rather wonderful about it. Since Liberty had accepted his hand in marriage, he seemed to be floating, and didn’t think he would mind if the sky fell in, which was lucky, as Cecil and Isabelle had now appeared in front of him, both crying and telling him that he and Liberty deserved every happiness. Jonathan was opening more champagne, and handing round glasses, J-T was asking if he could be bridesmaid this time and Savannah was laughing as she responded, ‘As long as I get to be maid of honour when heavily pregnant, my dear friend will be depicting the perfect twenty-first-century wedding – although she should probably be a single mum as well!’ Glancing at Liberty’s suddenly blanched face, Savannah took her hand and whispered, ‘You never know, with Ed it may all work out.’

  After the mantel clock chimed two, the party decided that all good things had to come to an end. Liberty and Edmund, who was now becoming accustomed to being embraced, were hugged and kissed over and over, and even Claude and Evangeline had been back down to congratulate them. As the house went to bed and Bob made his way to the car, having offered Deirdre and Alain a lift, Edmund turned to Liberty and said, ‘See you for breakfast, my love.’

  Liberty’s mouth opened and then shut again quickly. She could see the humour in his eyes. Having been nose to nose with each other all evening, stealing kisses only when sure no one was looking, which of course they were, they had mutually decided to meet tomorrow, rather than have their first night together with everyone aware of what they were up to.