Indecision

by Brittany Fuller

  The realization there is no way I want to ruin any chance of something happening between Noah and me takes over immediately. The thought is scary and all too real, but I know even if I try to fight it, this is a battle I have a good chance of losing. Keep your head straight, Evelyn, I tell myself. If you’re not going to get to close, why are you worried about ruining anything?

  I stare at the flames in the fire pit and count the seconds until Trevor is at my side. I’m half in the moment and half back at that dining table as I try to think of a way to fix this—if I have in fact just screwed up my chances.

  Hearing footsteps, I look to the left out across the yard, and let out a big sigh. It’s colder than I had expected, and I know just who I want snuggled up next to me to keep me warm—and it isn’t Trevor.

  “Has anyone ever told you how thrilling you look by firelight?” His low husky voice is a whisper as the wood crackles in the fire pit.

  Turning, I see Noah hovering over me. His eyes dancing with desire. I immediately exhale, breathing in an all too overwhelming sense of relief. It sure as hell doesn’t look like I scared him off, and I thank my lucky stars for that. He doesn’t say another word. Swallowing hard, I try to hide my happiness behind what I am sure is a very poor poker face.

  “Want to sit down?” I say as I watch the light from the fire dance across his expression—as if he needs any more help in looking absolutely irresistible.

  “Nothing I’d like more,” he smiles. He doesn’t take his eyes off mine, and I somehow manage to never take mine off his as he moves past me and sits in the seat next to me—the seat I know Trevor is hoping for but I am beyond grateful that Noah beat him to it.

  As if the music knows exactly what tune should be selected, ol’ blue eyes starts singing, “The Way You Look Tonight.” Half embarrassed and half impressed that somehow the music has lined up so perfectly, I glance down at my phone and notice Noah do the same. Looking back up, we share a smile for a few moments before he glances down at my phone again. He raises an eyebrow and smirks at me.

  “I can change it,” I say, hurrying to grab my phone and growing more embarrassed by the second—not embarrassed that I listen to this kind of music, more at the thought I don’t want him getting any ideas I’ve somehow set this up.

  He rests his hand on mine right as I go to grab my phone. “No, it’s nice. Not what I would have picked myself, but … fitting,” he says with a slight laugh effortlessly escaping his gorgeous mouth. He runs his free hand through his hair, and I sit still, realizing my sudden need to want to be feeling his thick locks between my fingertips.

  What is coming over me? How does this man make me feel this way instinctively, like I have no control when I am used to always being in control? Of my feelings, of my life. On impulse, I can’t help but surrender.

  I notice as he continues to hold onto my hand and doesn’t give the impression that he ever intends to let it go. Blushing, I look down at my lap and smile. Every time we touch it’s electric, shocking my whole body and only intensifying as he slowly starts rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand. His grip tightens slightly. God I am in trouble. Big, gorgeous, irresistible tempting man trouble.

  “What kind of music do you listen to, then?” I ask, still not looking up to meet his stare. His confidence has made me shy and vulnerable. I’m not sure why but at this very moment I find it hard to take the intensity of his stare up close.

  “Country mostly, although I have a brief knowledge of the classics,” Noah says. His admission shocks me. I look up and meet his eyes just in time to see him nod towards the music playing.

  “Country, huh? You telling me you’re some sort of cowboy? Wouldn’t have pegged you for that,” I confess, raising an eyebrow.

  As he meets my eyes, the butterflies deep down inside start to intensify once again, and I find myself quickly looking down, embarrassed and shy that I said the wrong thing.

  Maybe in my world cowboys always wore big brimmed hats and smelled like horses and sweat, not the woodsy, perfect kind of musky smell that makes up Noah. This southern country boy shocks the hell out of me and makes me question every first impression I ever had before. He’s some sort of something I never expected, but some sort of something I’m beginning to crave. Need. Want. That could be very dangerous.

  “Oh, so now it’s your turn to be surprised!” he says, smiling a little too big and leaning in closer. It’s obvious he likes, a little too much, how he’s able to hold one up on me for the first time since we’ve met. The very thought of which makes me nervous and undeniably unsure of myself.

  Feeling like I said the wrong thing yet again, I realize I want more than anything to make a good impression on the type of man I always avoided and now suddenly want to know better than any man before. Maybe country boys aren’t that bad. This one sure beats any city boy who ever tried to get my attention before. He could be just what I’ve always needed and everything I was too busy to notice I always wanted.

  I eventually find words. “Well, I didn’t say it was a bad thing. I’ve never been this close to a country boy before, but there is a first time for everything isn’t there?” I’m still not sure if that’s the right thing to say or not, and it has me nervously taping my foot against the ground and looking around the backyard.

  “You’ve also never been this close to a southern boy before, darlin’, remember?” His accent thickens and his drawl slows with his response. God that’s sexy. The way he pours on his thick southern accent heats me up and makes every part of my body tingle. He can make fun of me all he wants as long as he continues to talk to me like that again.

  Not knowing what to say, I decide to give into him as he wins this battle of wits. I look at him with a ruffled brow and a sly smile. A low seductive chuckle escapes his lips as his grip on my hand slightly tightens again. What I wouldn’t do to close the distance between the two of us. All I wanted to do right now is crash into him and never look back. To taste what my body has been craving. To indulge in what I know it’s wanted since we separated last night.

  Why do I fight it?

  Oh yeah, my plans, my future. Head straight, focus.

  But hell, if all I have to focus on is his eyes staring right back at me, wanting me as much as I am trying to deny that I want him, then this is going to be one torturous struggle.

  His lip curls up on one side when he notices me lick my lips, my nerves growing. My heart quickens, and I can feel his warm breath against my check as he leans in closer.

  “What did I tell you last night? I can show you some things that would most definitely change your mind about us country boys’ sweetheart,” he suggests as his eyes drift to my lips and he moves in even closer. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and long to taste it on his lips. “We can get started right now, if you’re willing.”

  Catching my breath, I notice how my body involuntarily moves closer to him, like there’s a force between us that makes us yield to its will—a force I know we will never have any control over.

  “I might just take you up on that offer,” I whisper back.

  In this moment there is only the two of us. The music has faded in the background as we close the distance between us, little by little, more and more. I breathe in slightly just as we become close enough that I feel the heat of his breath on my lips. I look up and catch him do the same. Our eyes meet as we are seconds away from a connection I know both of our bodies crave. Need. Desire.

  “Here’s your tea, Evelyn.”

  Breaking away from our trance, I turn to see Trevor standing a few feet away. He has my tea in one hand and my blanket in the other. He looks hurt and disgusted, like he’s just been slapped in the face and punched in the gut all at the same time. Immediately I feel my heart break for him, and I feel horrible for having used him so efficiently.

  “Trevor, I’m so sorry.” Ashamed, I snatch my hand from Noah’s and rise to grab my drink. “Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it,” I say, resting my hand on hi
s shoulder, although he immediately shrugs it off. I can honestly say I don’t blame him at all.

  “Do you want to join us?” I feel stupid for even asking, not knowing if he actually would say yes or no, but not knowing what else to say as well. Trevor looks at Noah for a moment, and I know he’s debating it. I wouldn’t blame him if he turned around and walked right back inside. His ego has to be bruised. He has never got up the nerve to take his feelings to the next step with me before since we were kids, but for some reason he sure has the confidence to do so tonight. And now I’ve made him regret it.

  “I’m not trying to intrude,” he says, directly at Noah. I can feel the hate in the glare the two of them exchange.

  I don’t know what else to do, so I just stand in front of him, as if not sitting back down next to Noah would make up for what he just walked in on. I wasn’t trying to lead Trevor on, but given our history and our families’ friendship, I don’t want to hurt him either.

  “Nah, grab a seat. There is plenty of room,” Noah says.

  I look back at Noah and can’t tell if he’s oblivious, cocky, confident or maybe a little of all three. His eyes never leave Trevor’s, his jaw set tight with an intensity that makes me question his reasoning for asking Trevor to stay.

  Looking back, I make sure to look Trevor in the eye to emphasize my apology once again. I take the blanket from him as he chooses a chair across from me instead of the one next to me that I know he had his heart set on. Sitting back down, I place my tea on the table next to me and then wrap the blanket around my legs. I smile at Trevor from across the fire. He sadly looks back my way before directing his attention to something off in the distance.

  I take a moment before looking back at Noah, and when I do, I notice his attention is still directed only towards Trevor. Instead of the lust that washed over his expression minutes before, there is something else present. I can’t deny the sense of irritation, jealousy and challenge radiating off him.

  Without taking his eyes off Trevor, Noah reaches back over and grabs my hand. He’s marking his territory, and even though I’m startled with this sudden display of ownership, I let him. Not only because I feel compelled to, but because the possession that suddenly flashes through Noah’s gaze leaves me feeling all sorts of weak in the knees and incredibly turned on. He’s claiming me in front of Trevor like I want him to do in private. God if that isn’t the sexiest thing ever.

  Suddenly I noticed Rex, Michael, and Amber making their way through the doors to join us, and I’m thankful more people will be around to break up the tension that has formed on the patio. The back patio at my parents’ house is huge, although in the last few minutes it has felt like the smallest little box in the world. I’m usually good at breaking up awkwardness, but I have no clue what I would have done had it not been for their sudden entrance.

  “I guess this is where the party’s at,” Rex shouts, stumbling awkwardly towards me. “Change that boring music! What the hell are you listening to, woman?” he says, making his way towards my phone and grabbing it with such force I’m surprised it doesn’t fall out of his hands. It wouldn’t be the first time Rex has broken one of my phones while he’s been drinking.

  Closing one eye to focus on the object in his hand, he selects a song from YouTube and starts dancing around like an idiot, doing his best air guitar impression as the patio slowly begins to fill with laughter. The tension starts to lift and my heart slowly returns to its regular beat. Although when I look back at Noah, he’s still looking straight ahead at Trevor, deep in thought.

  Noah

  Rex is in rare form as he dances around the patio, somehow succeeding in getting everyone to join in on the words to Rehab’s “Sitting at a bar.” Everyone laughs as he can barely stand. Rex’s enthusiasm for the song is just too damn contagious. Even if you didn’t feel like singing, you join because he’s clearly very into his performance.

  I keep my eye on Trevor and wonder what kind of history he and Evelyn must have had. I’m slightly worried their past might be a threat to what I hope is my present or dare I dream … future. I never disliked Trevor before. In fact, we’ve always gotten along well.

  Although in the short time I observe him and Evelyn together, and whatever the deal is between the two of them, I instinctively find myself feeling threatened. The thoughts of his hands on her or his lips anywhere near the places I long to kiss makes me want to pummel the little brat right to the ground.

  Returning my gaze to Evelyn, I watch how amazing she looks in the firelight. She laughs and jokes with everyone sitting around the fire. The ease at which she enjoys herself makes her that much more appealing, and I subconsciously find myself changing my mind about not wanting to get involved with anyone. I’m still planning on moving, but that move is almost two months away. Two months is a good amount of time to at least see where things can go and have some fun while doing it.

  I don’t know what came over me when I grabbed her hand, or why I wanted her attention directed only at me. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. The feelings of desire, lust, even jealousy, are emotions I long ago tried to forget. No one has stirred up these feelings in nearly two years, and she has a way about her that makes it stir up inside me so easily.

  The music slows and someone selects “Let Me Down Easy” by Billy Currington. I’m consumed as I watch Evelyn, mesmerized by her every move and how easily she holds everyone’s attention captive as she talks. I know without a doubt I have no self-control when it comes to her. Any amount of fighting will be useless. As long as I stay anywhere near her, I will always give in.

  If trying not to feel anything for her feels this good, how much better would it feel if I cave? And what if, just by some crazy chance, her feelings were the same? Could she possibly feel anything anywhere close to the way I do when I look her in the eyes? I need to know and I might have been moments away before Trevor showed up.

  He might have won for the moment, but there is no way I’m letting Evelyn get away again—not without attempting to take things further. I just have to know if she’ll let me see her again. I need to see her again, away from a crowd. I need that chance like I need the air I breathe.

  “How’s work, Trev? I’d expect things to be more hectic with the holidays approaching. Any crazy stories to thrill us with tonight?” Evelyn asks Trevor, and I begin to feel the sting of jealousy burn through my veins. I tighten my grip on her hand and see the recognition of its tight grip flash across her pretty face as she tenses. She doesn’t turn to look at me, but I know the message is delivered.

  “Not too crazy. We do live in such a quiet town. My shift changes next week, and I will be back to working nights. Maybe I will have some stories for you then,” he quietly replies, still obviously hurt from earlier.

  Trevor’s a police officer and it suits him. The man never breaks the law and even looks down on his family members for minor offenses like speeding tickets. He’s annoyingly perfect and so uptight it’s hard to make him smile most of the time. How anything ever happened between Evelyn and Trevor has me completely confused. I can already tell the two of them are as different as could be.

  “Noah here has some stories!” Rex butts in, slurring and laughing at the same time. “Tell them about the fire we fought up Highway 50 and how you found the culprit running naked through the forest shortly after!”

  Not one for bragging about the work I do, or even retelling too many stories from my time spent volunteering with Rex fighting wild fires, I just shake my head at his comment. “No one wants to hear that kind of stuff, Rex.”

  “You’re a firefighter too?” Evelyn says, surprised. “Do you ever rest? Work, school, firefighting! You’re like a crazy one-man show!”

  “I like to keep busy.” I shrug. “I love being outside. Never one for being cooped up inside an office all day.” She has a point though. I’m extremely busy—a strategic plan I developed a while back to help with my long hiatus between relationships. It’s a plan that has
succeed so far but might be crumbling as we speak.

  “This guy right here saved an old woman from a burning building!” exclaims Rex.

  “What?” Evelyn looks shocked as she turns towards me and searches my face for the truth.

  “Saw it with my own two eyes!” Rex continues. “He’s rescued cats from trees, saves babies, helps grandmas cross the street, risks his life for those less fortunate. He’s a hero. He’s my hero.” Rex fakes tears as his voice breaks, and he puts one hand over his heart. Evelyn finally catches on to the joke, and I’m definitely way less amused.

  “Shut up!” She giggles playfully, slapping him in the arm. “You’re so stupid, Rex.”

  I sit there growing more uncomfortable by the minute. I don’t volunteer to look like any kind of hero. Rex likes to tease me because I take being a firefighter more seriously than he does. I also shy away from talking about myself under any and all circumstances, unlike Rex, who is always eager to use it to his advantage—mostly with members of the opposite sex.

  “Come on now,” Rex continues, “don’t hold out on the lady, or I will be forced to tell her the truth about you since you seem so keen on holding on to her hand so tightly but not saying one word.”

  “I enjoy it.” I reluctantly begin to talk about myself. “Like I said, keeps me busy. Maybe even busier if California doesn’t start getting any rain,” I say, glancing up at the sky. “We’ve been having a lot of lightning, and the ground is too dry. Could be a serious problem. But nothing crazy like this character keeps saying.” I motion towards Rex, annoyed.

  Holding up his hands in defense, Rex shrugs. “Just trying to help a brother out.”

  He becomes immediately disinterested in the two of us and focuses his attention, instead, on the conversation building between Trevor and Michael. They’re discussing adding additional security for the upcoming holidays and several special events scheduled to take place at Gatsby’s.