Indecision

by Brittany Fuller

  Evelyn backs up. I’ve hurt her, I know it. But she’s hurt me too, and I need her to know that. No more fucking games. I want her to feel the pain and the sting that still lingers around my heart and every thought in my mind since she showed up drunk at my door last Thursday night.

  “I wasn’t trying to ignore you! I was just trying to figure some things out,” she explains, sounding a little shaky.

  “Well …” I snort, “I’m glad you figured out whatever it was. Now excuse me, I’m trying to work.”

  I look back down at the plans and hope like mad she gets the hint and leaves me alone. I want to leave it the way it is. I can’t say goodbye to her, not like this. Whatever she figured out, good! But I’m extracting myself from the situation like I should have months ago. I can’t let myself get hurt any further than I already have. I guess there really is no future for us after all.

  “I came to tell you that it looks like I might have a job offer,” Evelyn says harshly. “In LA. They want to meet with me Thursday!”

  I look up at her shocked and extremely pissed. What did she just say? I can’t believe what I’m hearing. She’s leaving? How long has she known about this? Is this what her drunken night was about on Thursday? Is this why she continued giving me the cold shoulder at the party and all the days that followed? Is this what her lame “What if I can’t give you everything” was all about?

  “It’s with the L.A. Times, baby,” she continues, and I cringe when she calls me baby. The sting lingers far too long. I have to close my eyes, hoping the hurt will ease quickly. Still, she continues, “This is a really great opportunity for me. And I wanted to share it with the man I …”

  “With the man you what, Evelyn? With the man you love? Don’t bullshit me! You’re just as bad as the rest of the people in this damn state. Always thinking only of yourself!” I yell at her.

  “I’d hoped you’d be happy for me,” she starts to cry. Tears stream down her face as she stands there watching me and neither one of us says anything more. The tears increase their speed, faster and faster, as she cries, “Why are you being like this?”

  “Happy for you? Happy for you, Evelyn!” I shout louder. “You have to be fucking kidding me! I changed my whole life around just to be with you! Just to be able to hold you, to love you. To wake up next to you every damn fucking day! And for what? So you could leave me!” I step towards her with each word I scream. She backs up, fearing me and my wrath. I admit, I’m losing it. But damnit, for once since last Thursday she’s going to listen to what I have to say.

  Her tears are replaced with a fiery defense. “I didn’t ask you to change your life for me!”

  “Yeah, well I never guessed you’d want to leave. So the joke’s on both of us … baby!” I take my time with the last word. I want it to sting as bad as it did when she used it on me a few minutes earlier.

  Evelyn’s tears turn into full out sobs. Her body convulses in front of me, and it takes all my strength not to break and hold her in my arms. Hold her the way I want to.

  She’s leaving. She didn’t choose me. She chose herself, something I never imagined she would do. Something I hadn’t even considered when I made plans to stay with her. It hurts deeper inside than anything I have felt before.

  In all we shared, as short as it was, I never imagined it ending this way. I thought we were special, what we had was special. Not everyone gets lucky enough to experience that kind of love. I could be strong and count myself lucky for being able to have had the opportunity. Although right now, I just want to forget her. Forget everything about her, and hope that one day I can learn to live without her.

  She chose her.

  “I hate you,” she whispers as her tears fall more and more. She takes a few steps backwards, still not taking her eyes of mine. I can feel the hatred build more and more between the two of us. “I hate you!” she screams.

  “Yeah, well, I’m not too happy with you or your damn choices right now either,” I spit back at her. “So looks like that makes the two of us, darlin’.”

  She glares at me, and I know if there was ever a moment where I might be able to reach out and grab her back to me, it would be right here, right now. I have a choice. I could break and follow her wherever she’ll go just to be near her.

  But I can’t.

  I let the moment pass. I let it slip right through my fingers, feeling like I have fought all I can for her and for us.

  I’m done.

  I don’t know how to fight anymore.

  She runs faster than I have ever seen any girl run in my life, straight out of Gatsby’s and out of my life. She bumps into Rex on her way out the door, and he tries to grab for her to find out what’s going on, but Evelyn is running too fast to be caught. Rex turns his attention to me instead.

  Walking up to me, he has the look only a protective brother can give. It isn’t often that I feel small in Rex’s presence, being several inches taller than him, but the look he gives me makes me feel only a few inches tall. Right now, I swear if Rex wanted to, he could and would beat the shit out of me; and a part of me doesn’t blame him one bit.

  I debate kicking my own ass for the mistake I know I just made. He slows a few feet away and looks at me like I’m the worst man to ever walk the face of the earth. Time stretches over a few awkward minutes before he speaks.

  “Now what the hell was that about,” Rex begins. “You going to explain to me why Ev just ran out of here crying worse than I have ever seen? You’re lucky Michael didn’t see that shit or your ass would be thrown the hell out of here.”

  “I don’t know,” I sigh, running my fingers through my hair in desperation and exhaling a deep breath.

  “It’s over, Rex.” Those three words ring out through the space between us like the end of the world, registering with my brain and then my stomach, making me feel sick and weak.

  “I’m not going to sit around and play any stupid games,” I continue. “She knew how I felt about her, and she wants something else. If she wants to go, I can’t stop her. I can’t change her.”

  Rex pauses for a moment, examining the situation and taking in what I’ve just told him. His face hardens as he begins to yell, “You have to be the stupidest bastard on the face of the planet to let that walk out of your life!”

  “I told you she doesn’t want me anymore. I tried, man!” I start to walk away. I don’t want to hear anymore. I want to be left alone, and for the first time in months, I’m ready to leave. I’m ready to go home. To get out of here and put as much distance between me and the West Coast as humanly possible.

  “Please! You’re so full of shit you can’t see through it anymore!” Rex yells.

  He’s standing right in front of me now, challenging me. He wants to hurt me as much as I just hurt Evelyn. I can feel the tension. Rex wants to damage me like he thinks I just damaged her, one of his oldest and dearest friends. The sister he never had and will always protect.

  “What am I supposed to do,” I ask. “Beg. Plead. Follow her everywhere like a little damn puppy! I’m not a pussy, Rex! I have standards! She wants to go, she can go! Like I said, I can’t stop her!” I shout. I shove him and I’m surprised when he doesn’t charge back.

  A silence falls upon us as Rex stands in front of me, sizing up the situation. Time draws on slowly as I wonder what in the hell he’s thinking. He stands there processing everything that I’ve just said. He dissects me and my words carefully before responding. Eyeing me up and down, his callous face softens, almost sad for me over what I know I’ve just lost.

  “Don’t look at me that way,” I say. “Fuck your pity. This is all on her.”

  Taking another minute, he finally responds, “Evelyn is the type of girl you never stop fighting for. You never stop trying to make happy. Most men go their whole lives just wishing they could have someone, anyone, anywhere close to the kind of woman she is. And if you think you’re above that, you’re not the kind of man I thought you were!”

  I let out a si
gh of defeat, wondering how I even got into this mess in the first place. Looking at my friend, I beg for his help, not knowing where to go from here. Fuck if he didn’t just hit me with the damn truth. The truth I have been fighting for days.

  “What am I supposed to do?” I ask.

  “Well, for starters, you can let go of your fucking pride,” Rex yells. I laugh. He’s right. Evelyn deserves better than this, and damn it if I haven’t just gone and screwed it up royally.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “No, that’s not it. She made her choice. She is going to LA.” I look off in the distance, trying to wrap my thoughts around what just happened.

  This amazing once-in-a-lifetime kind of woman is Southern California bound and most likely never looking back after the way I just treated her. There is really only one thing to do and for the first time in days, I don’t have to think twice about it.

  I grab my phone from the table where the plans are scattered all over and feel my pockets for my keys.

  “How long of a head start do you think she has on me,” I ask Rex, breaking out in a run for the exit.

  “The way she was running, and how she drives when she’s mad, there is no telling. She could already be in Fresno by now,” Rex hollers back at me. “Be careful, though, it looks like we are getting rain for the first time in years. Watch yourself!”

  I look outside and notice rain has begun to fall. The storm they said would finally roll in hasn’t failed. The roads will be extra slippery now with this being the first rain in months. Looking back at Rex, I nod.

  “Yeah, I know, slippery roads!”

  “NO!” Rex yells. “Because if you hurt her again, I’ll kill you.” I laugh, knowing all too well he will.

  Reaching outside, I run across the parking lot. When I get to my truck, I’m dripping wet. Damnit, it really is coming down, reminding me of the strong thunder systems that come through the south.

  I try backing out of the parking spot, but get stuck waiting for another car to back out behind me. Feeling anxiety rising up like vomit inside of me, I impatiently tap my fingers against the steering wheel as I wait for them to move.

  I have to get to her.

  I have to fight like mad to hold her until she won’t leave me. She couldn’t. Not now.

  I stop in a line of cars exiting the parking lot. What the hell! There’s never this amount of people around Gatsby’s in the afternoon. The rain makes people drive stupid, especially in a state that doesn’t normally see it, almost making them forget how to function behind the wheel.

  Finally making it out of the parking lot, I try my best to speed around some of the cars that are driving slower than molasses. Where would she run off to? I could try her office? Maybe her apartment?

  I should have grabbed her, made her listen. I should have tried harder and not let my stupid insecurities get to me. If she wanted to move, then I would move too—If she would have me.

  She might have dreams she needs to fulfill from before we met, but she is my dream, and I’m not going to let that go.

  The cars in the road suddenly come to a complete stop. I punch the steering wheel not needing this right now. I look around the cars for a way I might be able to go around, but there’s nothing.

  A few minutes pass and an ambulance drives up the side of the traffic. Well that can’t be good. Maybe they’ll get it cleared fast, and I can be on my way.

  I try calling her but there’s no answer. It goes straight to voicemail. I try again, but I get the same thing. It doesn’t matter, though. I’ll find her and I’ll make her listen.

  I won’t let her get away.

  I can’t.

  Almost twenty agonizing minutes later, traffic slowly starts to move. The rain still pounds down outside and it makes it hard to make out any sort of the wreck as I pass. The ambulance is gone, not having far to go as the only hospital in town is just a little ways back down the road by Gatsby’s. With so many people standing around, police and construction workers on the road, I can’t make out the car in the wreck. Whatever happened doesn’t look good though.

  When I finally pass, I speed up. The rain has slowed some, and I need to get to her as fast as I can.

  I stop by her office first. It’s about fifteen minutes down the road. They haven’t seen her since lunch. Great! I thank them and get back to my truck. I pull my phone out of my pocket, unsure if I should try her again, or maybe Michael or Gwen.

  Damnit, darlin’, where are you?

  I jump in the cab of the truck and make it a few minutes down the road towards her apartment when the phone I’m still holding, trying to figure out who to contact next, starts ringing in my hand.

  I glance at it. Gwen. Well damn if this isn’t perfect timing. She has to know where she is, and even if I have to endure her screaming at me for letting her run off in tears, which she undoubtedly knows by now, then so be it. I just have to know where she is.

  “Gwen!” I answer quickly. “I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t blame you but …”

  Her sobs cut me off. I wait for her to control herself. Did she call me by accident? Why is she crying?

  “Noah?” she begins in a shaky voice.

  “Yeah?” I question, my voice just as shaky. She doesn’t answer me. “Gwen, what’s going on? You’re scaring me? Is everything ok?”

  “Noah … it’s Evelyn,” she says in a whisper.

  My breath stills. My heart skips a beat, slamming straight into the bottom of my stomach. My hands turn clammy as I clench the steering wheel harder. A haunting silence flows through my brain as I put it all together and my world shifts, stops, halts, and is forever changed.

  What in the hell did I just do?

  Need to find out what Evelyn decides and where Noah stands?

  Find out what happens in the conclusion of the Indecision duet.

  Devotion releases Winter/Spring 2019.

  Nothing is possible without my Lord and Savior, so to him I give all the glory and praise and thanks for blessing me with the gift of being able to do what makes me feel complete in life. Write!

  To my parents for always encouraging me to write, even if my half attempted scribbles at 3-years-old were illegible, you always believed in me.

  To my husband, who has struggled to understand my passion at times, but always stands by my side and encourages me to do what makes me happy.

  To my children, you are my whole heart. Thank you for your patience as mommy continues to type and asks you to give her one more minute to finish.

  To my copy editor, Max Dobson of The Polished Pen, for taking the time to help me clean up the mess after I originally wrote Indecision third-person and wanted to change it to first. You helped me finish this book when I was ready to tap out.

  To my cover designer and formatter, Deborah Bradseth of Tugboat Design, your vision and creations are unmatched by any other. I hope this is only the start of a beautiful friendship as I continue on this road following my dream.

  To the readers, the day dreamers and late night page turners, I do this for you! I appreciate you, I thank you, I am you!

  Brittany Fuller has known one thing since as far back as she can remember, she wanted to be a writer. Born in Orange County, California, she grew up scribbling notes and drawing stick figures on blank pages and stapling them together calling them her latest book.

  Her family moved to Northern California when she was five, and throughout the years her writing evolved to poems, songs and short stories.

  Returning to college at the age of 28 after getting married and starting a family, she received a degree in journalism and recently took a leap of faith, uprooting her life and moving to Kentucky where she works as an editor of a community newspaper.

  Although, before leaving the West Coast, she took a chance and started to write her first novel in the hope of fulfilling the dream she’s had since she was a little girl. To become an author.

  With no plans to stop writing anytime soon, she is excited to e
mbark on what she hopes will be a long career.

  Busy planning, drafting, writing and reading any chance she gets, she loves to hear feedback and connect with readers.

  Connect with Brittany Fuller

  Website: www.brittanyfuller.org

  Email: BineyAnne@yahoo.com

  Twitter: @BineyAnne

  Facebook: www.facebook.com/BineyAnne82/

  Instagram: @bineyanne82