The Darkest Hour: A San Diegan Novel

by S. M. Soto

  “That’s funny, because I spent the whole day with Chase. You done yet?” I quip and raise an impatient brow.

  Erin’s victorious smile falters only slightly, before she recovers with an eye roll.

  “How charitable.” She scoffs.

  “Excuse me?” I raised both brows incredulously.

  I’m once again forced to ask myself, who the hell does she think she is?

  “Why are you even here?” The disdain drips from her voice as she leans toward me. Clasping her hands together sweetly she twists in her seat and leans on her forearms.

  “Let me take a wild guess.” She leers waving her hand through the air before placing it under her chin pretending to think.

  “Mommy and Daddy troubles? Do you not get enough attention at home? Is that why you came running here?” She goads pretending to sound interested. My whole body stiffens, and I clench my fists tighter, the bite of my nails stinging the palms of my hands. “Oh wait, no, maybe you don’t have a family, is that it? Am I close?” She taunts and laughs viciously.

  All the air is extracted from my lungs and I feel the blood drain from my face. Today, of all days, is the day she would choose to say this. My heart thuds painfully as she stomps on it beneath her feet. I watch her gloat and try to swallow down my tears at her words that are spot on.

  She didn’t just exploit my weaknesses; she opened them wide, sifting through them until she unburied the new ones—and the hidden ones, finding new ways to torture me.

  “Ouch, did I hit a soft spot, Aliza?” She asks sweetly, pouting her fake lips.

  I grind my teeth together as boiling anger runs rampant through my veins. My body trembles with the need to extract this anger upon her.

  “Because, I’m only getting started,” she threatens quietly through narrowed eyes. “CJ is mine, always has been, and always will be. I’m not willing to give him up that easily; especially not to someone like you.” She sneers up at me. “So when you feel him enter you, remember it’s me he’s thinking about, and that little grunt he does just before his release? Just know I heard it first.” She spits, her eyes narrowed.

  “Stop it,” I whisper close to tears. My composure is slipping, leaving me painfully bare to her onslaught. Erin twirls her straw around her cocktail with a grim smile before proceeding in a sweet voice.

  “You’re nothing to him but a broken little girl with no one that cares about her. You have no family, no friends—.”

  Without thinking about it I snatch her cocktail off the table and toss the drink in her face. She shoots up from her seat with a squeal as the colorful alcohol coats her already painted face. Satisfaction rolls through me in waves and I take a step back to get a better look at my masterpiece. She screams out a string of profanities, taking a threatening step toward me but is pulled back by strong arms. Alex comes into view, holding Erin in a vice grip as I’m flocked by Natalia and Sam. Every eye in the restaurant is on me once again and I fidget uncomfortably at all the attention.

  “I suggest you get the hell out of here, raggedy Anne before CJ sees you’ve caused another problem,,” Sam warns, taking a step toward her.

  Erin glares daggers at me over Sam’s head and the tidal wave of emotion I’ve been holding in threatens to roll out. Without sparing anyone a second glance, I storm away, not waiting for her to get another word in on me or my family. Every eye follows me on the way out, but I ignore all of it.

  My composure dissolves as the outside breeze hits my face. I blink my eyes furiously trying to stop the tears but they come unbidden anyway. Looking down at my hands, I notice I don’t have my wallet or phone. A broken sob tears through my chest and I grimace trying to hold in my tears. I briefly look around before taking off at a sprint toward my house. I don’t let my mind wander anywhere else as I run home. I can’t. My feet pound on the pavement until my legs burn with exhaustion. My chest sears in pain from exertion. I stop in front of Mr. Walker’s house. His lights are off again, leaving me wondering what time it is.

  Is he sleeping already?

  My wobbly legs lead me up the steps to his front door. I raise my hand to knock but stop with my fist in midair when I hear someone’s voice.

  “Ma’am?” I whirl around and spot a woman next door in her late thirties walking up to her front entrance. Her brows are furrowed in confusion as she stares at me suspiciously.

  “Can I help you, young lady?” She asks with a raised brow as she juggles a paper bag filled with groceries. I clear my throat and I try to find my voice.

  “Uh, yeah. I just came over to see Mr. Walker, but I think he’s sleeping already so I’ll just stop by tomorrow,” I say, descending from the porch steps. Surprise flickers across her features, before her face falls then softens in sympathy.

  “I’m sorry sweetie, but…Mr. Walker died some time ago. It’s going on four years now.”

  My stomach hits the floor, my knees wobbling. Like a punch to the gut, the wind is knocked completely out of me. My whole body freezes and my heart stutters. For a brief second, everything goes black, and I can’t hear anything but the pounding of my pulse. I swallow the lump in my throat, shaking my head back and forth in denial.

  “That’s impossible,” I say feeling my anger rise. “I have brunch with him all the time! He always brings me coffee and cookies. Are you sure he doesn’t have a brother?” I ask as I try to make sense of what she said. Her lips part slightly and her eyes widen a fraction, she stares at me like I have two heads.

  “I’m positive. Mr. Walker doesn’t have any living relatives. He passed away a few years after his wife. To my knowledge this house is now owned by a couple from the east coast. They aren’t down here much, just vacations and such.”

  Bile rises up my throat from my churning stomach and chills erupt along my body.

  No, no, no.

  I run a shaky hand through my hair and bite down on my trembling lip. This is impossible. I sat with him and I cried with him, he was my safety net!

  “You alright, hun? Do you need me to call someone?” The woman asks warily. I lightly shake my head no, before forcing my feet to move. Hazily drifting to my condo, I pull out my spare key from under the mat and fling open the door. I don’t bother flipping on any switches, just trudge through my condo down the hall to my room. I crawl into bed on autopilot.

  My body is still in shock and I’m reeling from the information. I can’t stop thinking about Mr. Walker and my family. My body trembles uncontrollably—I make no move to stop it.

  This can’t be happening. It can’t be real, I keep telling myself. In a trance, I roll onto my side pulling open my nightstand drawer, digging my hand inside until my fingers graze the cold metal of a frame. I grasp my fingers around it. I don’t need to look at it because this photograph is etched inside my memory forever. I crush the frame to my chest as a few tears spill from my eyes. Leaning back against the headboard I stare blankly at the wall and watch, slowly, as the sun sets, entirely coating my bedroom in darkness. My lids get heavy, drifting closed with tears in my eyes.

  ***

  An irritating prick in my chest wakes me the next morning. I groggily roll onto my back, feeling the pressure pinned against my chest release. I blink the sleep away from my eyes noticing the hard frame still clutched in my hands. Well that explains the irritating pain. Exhaling a deep breath, I place the frame face down on the empty pillow next to my head. I roll onto my side facing my door, and shriek, nearly having a heart attack at the sight of Chase leaning against the frame of my door. His arms are crossed over his chest, showcasing his muscles in his white shirt. He doesn’t look happy or startled at seeing me.

  “Are you crazy? You scared the shit out of me, Chase,” I shout, sitting up in bed. I work to control my palpitating heart and heavy breathing. His brows raise, and his jaw clenches making him look down-right pissed.

  What the hell is he so mad about?

  “Are you crazy?” He retorts coldly. “I come here to see how you’re doing, and I’m greet
ed with a pitch-black house and wide open door,” he scolds.

  I pinch my brows together. Shit, did I leave my door open?

  “Jesus Christ, Aliza, I thought something happened to you. Instead I find you sound asleep in your bed like there’s not a fucking problem. How careless can you be?” He asks incredulously.

  I open my mouth a few times to respond, but I wisely keep quiet. After a few long seconds of his intense gaze burning a hole through my skull I lean against the headboard, pulling my knees into my chest.

  “I-I didn’t realize I left the door open.” My voice is weak, and I’m unable to look at him.

  “I brought your purse and I got you some coffee. It’s all on the table.” His voice sounds tired, defeated almost. I hear movement, and my heart speeds up knowing he’s about to leave.

  “Chase, wait!” I blurt. I watch as he walks back into view, his shoulders are tense, and I can tell he’s still angry.

  “I’m…I just wanted to thank you,” I say unsure of how to proceed. I cringe as I watch him scrub a rough hand over his face and through his hair.

  “Right,” he scoffs. Without a second glance, he walks out of my room, and I close my eyes warring with myself.

  “Please stay,” I say loud enough for him to still hear me. The hall outside my room is quiet and I wonder if I was too late. Before I can question myself any further, Chase walks back into my room.

  “Give me one good reason why I should.” He braces his arms above my door frame. I worry my bottom lip between my teeth.

  “Because I love you…and I need you,” I say quietly.

  His cold and hard expression softens. He blows out a deep breath tilting his head up to stare at the ceiling.

  “Talk to me then,” He says as he rights himself. I run a shaky hand through my hair, and practice breathing in and out.

  It’s now or never, Aliza.

  “With what happened the night at the club and now this, I can’t do anything if you won’t open up to me,” Chase says helplessly. “I’m done standing around while your secrets push us away from each other, Aliza.”

  He stands in the doorway with his arms still spread on the frame. His blue eyes plead with me to tell him something. Anything. The truth.

  Sitting on the bed I look down at my hands and wring them in my lap nervously. My eyes shift to the face down frame on my pillow and I blow out a deep breath before I start.

  “I need to show you something,” I say quietly. His frown line deepens and I elaborate.

  “It’ll all make sense soon, I promise.” He nods his head, moving aside so I can walk past him.

  He doesn’t follow, thankfully. I need these short moments to gather myself for what I’m about to tell him. I head down the hall to the closet and pull out the box that represents a happier time in my life. Bending down I retrieve the two photographs I’m looking for. I clutch them to my chest and walk back into my room. He’s seated on the edge of my bed in anticipation. My heart is a dull ache in my chest as I try to figure out where to start. Chase nods at me encouragingly and I take a deep breath.

  “I was nearly eighteen when I got pregnant.” His eyes widen and he works down a swallow. “I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. Rosie. She was beyond gorgeous and she was my entire life, Chase. I loved her.” I hand over the photographs and see the shock then the pity in his eyes as he looks at our photos. The first is of Rosie in a pink summer dress and sandals in front of our house back home in Bernville. Her blonde curls touch her tiny shoulders and her blue eyes are bright—unbelievably so. The other is of me and her holding hands outside, her looking up at me with the biggest chubby grin spread across her face, and me down at her with a wide smile filled with love. It’s one of the best pictures; it represents the bond we shared. It wasn’t just a mother daughter bond. It was so much more. She was my heart, my soul, and my life–everything that a child is, and so much more. Fresh tears start falling. I take shallow breaths hoping to calm myself.

  “I was a single mother with no help from her father, but I was okay with that. It was me and her against the world.” I smile as I’m accosted with a wave of memories.

  “Rosie was like a ray of sunshine, always laughing and smiling. She loved making people laugh–and the attention, God she loved it.” I smile at the memory of my beautiful girl. The smile dies on my face as I go on. “At eighteen months, she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.”

  Chases eyes glaze over and I know he can feel my pain. “She was such a fighter, Chase. So strong and vibrant.” Sucking in a shaky breath I continue through trembling lips and the shredding pain in my heart. “I was given twenty-three wonderful months with my baby girl before she was taken from me. I think a part of me died when she did too. The light in my life was gone and I didn’t see the point in living anymore.”

  I wipe at the tears falling down my face and hold the heel of my hand to my breastbone, trying to stifle the pain inside. The loss of a child never went away. That was something I’d learned the hard way. The pain of losing a child ripped you to shreds until there was nothing left. Losing Rosie ruined me. It ruined my entire life.

  “I went through the motions for as long as I can remember. I hoped something, anything would dull the pain but it didn’t. It’s never ending.” My hand tightens on the center of my chest. “It hurts so badly, Chase. Why her? Why couldn’t it have been me?” I cry. “It hurts all the time.” A helpless sob tears through my chest, and I lose it.

  “I’m suffocating without her Chase.” I sob uncontrollably as the tears fall. I fall to my knees and Chase moves from the bed, wrapping his arms around me—rocking me.

  “It’s not fair. I miss her so much I just want the pain to go away.” My voice is broken, hardly understandable through my crying.

  Wrapping me tighter in his arms Chase rocks me back and forth.

  “Shhh. Just breathe, Aliza, breathe.”

  I hiccup from crying so hard and pull back gently to look at him.

  “I’m not enough for you Chase. You deserve everything and I can’t give it to you.”

  Tears cascade down my face and my body trembles from the force of the tears. Taking my face in his hands he looks deep in my eyes. His expression is pained at my words.

  “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. You give me more than I’ve ever asked for, Aliza. If there’s anyone who should feel unworthy it’s me. Don’t go there,” he says sternly. I shake my head so his hands fall away from my face.

  “You don’t understand. You’re going to want a family and a future and I can’t give that to you.” He grabs my face again and kisses me. His lips are firm and insistent. Pulling his mouth away he cradles my face and proceeds to wipe off my tears.

  “You’re all the family I need, Aliza. Even if you’ll never be ready to start a family with me I’m okay with that.” I trip into another sob and grip his hands.

  “I can’t have children anymore, Chase.” He caresses my cheek.

  “I know baby, I know. I get it,” he says dismissively, just trying to calm me down. I shake my head needing him to hear me. “You don’t get it. I can’t carry a child anymore, Chase.” He leans back and furrows his brow, looking at me like I’m crazy.

  “I had a procedure done after Rosie passed. I had my tubes tied. The doctor and my family begged me not to but I did it anyway. I thought I was doing the right thing for her–in memory of her.” Chase nods his head. “I was young and I thought that’s what I wanted. I’m sorry.”

  His blue eyes penetrate mine and he brings his face down to kiss me. It’s soft, short, and sweet.

  “I don’t care, Aliza. I meant what I said. You’re all the family I’ll ever need.” His eyes are smoldering against mine as he searches my face and my heart skips a beat. I love this man.

  I slam my mouth against his and kiss him feverishly. He returns my kiss with equal fervor. His hands grip the back of my neck and he pulls away, leaving me breathless. His eyes search mine, and he smooths my hair out of my fac
e.

  “I love you, Aliza. Nothing will ever change that.” He picks me up and lays me down in the bed next to him. I lay my head on his chest and let myself mourn freely for everything I’ve lost and for things we’ll never be able to share as a couple.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  I wake up to a pair of strong arms wrapped around me bathing me in heat. I lay silently listening to Chase’s even breathing. I trace circles over his arm with my finger as I think about everything that’s happened. I came clean. It’s a relief. Like the overbearing secrets have lifted the heavy weight off my chest.

  “You’re finally awake.”

  I smile. “I thought you were sleeping.”

  His arms tighten around me. “No. I was listening to you sleep.”

  My heart flutters excitedly in my chest.

  “Well that’s not creepy,” I tease. Chase pinches my waist playfully and I laugh. Just then my stomach decides to growl loudly. Chase’s vibrating chuckle erupts behind me.

  “Come on. Let’s feed you.”

  He helps me out of bed and heads to my kitchen to make something. He’ll most likely come back empty handed because I have no food.

  I pad down the hallway and see him shuffling through the cabinets looking for something. I snigger from my perch on the counter.

  “Looks like we’ll be picking up something to eat–you have a slice of cheese, peanut butter, and moldy bread. Pretty sure none of those things mesh well together.”

  I scrunch my nose in distaste. “You’re probably right.”

  Chase grabs his keys and wallet off the counter and I stop him before he leaves to bring back food.

  “Chase, wait.”

  He turns and regards me with raised brows. I wring my hands together nervously.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I chew on my bottom lip nervously. Chase closes the distance between us and pulls me into his arms.

  “I love you, Aliza. Your past doesn’t change that.” He places a tender kiss on top of my head and I untangle myself from him.

  “Thank you for being here for me,” I whisper, feeling my throat clog with emotion. His blues stare back at me intently, and I feel it in the depths of my soul.