shadowland

by Radclyffe

  When Caroline faltered, Kyle quietly placed her hand over Caroline’s and squeezed.

  “Thanks,” Caroline said with a shaky smile. “I brought her to my place, but she was so strung out, I didn’t know what to do for her. I took her to the hospital, and she ended up in detox. It took her a long time to forgive me for that. She hates not being in control even when she can’t be.”

  Caroline searched for the remnants of her drink and drained the glass. Kyle sat staring out the windows, noticing for the first time that the sky was beginning to lighten with a pale red predawn glow. It reminded her of the scene room at Encounters, of standing in the dim red light while Dane caressed her until all she craved was that single instant of mind-shattering oblivion. Am I all that different from her?

  “And she’s been clean since then?” Kyle asked.

  “Yes. When she was released, she called me. She was hollow; she practically echoed with emptiness. She wouldn’t see anyone; she didn’t go out. Luckily, she started working for a local breeder—a small operation, but Dane was bright, she made contacts, and before long, she moved up. I’d started handling at about the same time, and we took the plunge and got our own place.” Caroline smiled. “Dane is consumed by the work; it’s helped to keep her straight. Anyhow, once we got the kennel off the ground, Dane started to go out again. She never gets involved; she never lets anyone top her. But she has never been like Brad. She never abuses anyone or tries to humiliate them.”

  “I know.”

  “She and Anne dated when Anne was just starting to come out. Dane was a gentle teacher—everything that Brad had never been to her. But she never let Anne close to her, and I...I fell in love with Anne.” Caroline regarded Kyle with troubled eyes. “Dane always says she doesn’t mind—that Anne turned to me for the affection Dane couldn’t give her. I’ll never know for sure. Dane’s had other women, but never anyone more than a night or two. She’s afraid. Afraid that if she loves someone she’ll lose herself again, like with Brad.”

  “And what about this other thing—this punishment she inflicts on herself?” Kyle asked grimly.

  “It doesn’t happen very often—usually only when something really gets to her. She’s generally so damned controlled, but when she’s unable to deal with someone getting too close, or when she wants someone to be close, she drives the feelings away with physical pain. I guess it’s easier for her that way.”

  “And you think that’s healthy? I can’t imagine how anyone could enjoy inflicting pain like that. I might enjoy possessing her, controlling her, even pushing her limits physically—but I could never do that to her.”

  Caroline held up her hand. “What happens between Dane and this top is not the usual thing. There are always extremists in any community. Some women enjoy physical punishment—within safe limits. For some, it heightens erotic pleasure, intensifies sexual experiences; there are only a few who really like to get heavy about it. And they’re usually involved with someone they trust very much—someone who is experienced enough to know both her own limitations and her partner’s needs. What goes on between Dane and this top is not ordinary. Whoever she is, she’s a true sadist. She obviously takes pleasure in dominating Dane in such a brutal way. Until this time, Dane’s been very careful. The punishment has been severe, but she’s never been seriously injured. Something went wrong this time. Someone lost control. I suspect it was Dane. God, I wish I knew what happened.”

  “I know what happened.” Kyle got up slowly and crossed to the windows. The red had bled away and the sky was a flat gray. “We were at the club two nights ago. Dane had set a scene, and we were both very into it. Brad must have been watching us for a while. I never saw her until she came up to us. Suddenly, it was like I wasn’t there anymore. Something was happening, but it was between Brad and Dane. Dane told Brad to leave us alone, and Brad challenged her. She taunted Dane, said that Dane—she said that Dane still wanted Brad to control her. When Brad grabbed her arm, I thought Dane was going to pass out. She turned pale, and suddenly she was just...gone. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”

  “I do.” Caroline shuddered. “And I’m sure Brad knew how much it would affect Dane. Dane hates for Brad to touch her. It’s...symbolic, in a way. Dane never shot herself up. Brad always did it for her.”

  Kyle’s stomach roiled. “God, how can anyone be that cruel? How can Brad do that to her?”

  “She does it because she knows she still can. Don’t you see? It’s still the same dynamic. Dane lets her do it. And then she hates herself for what she sees as her own weakness. She must have gone to—to whomever it is she goes to—because she wanted to forget her own powerlessness. Having you see it happen must have made it much worse for her.”

  “But I went after her,” Kyle protested, angry and hurt. “She didn’t have to run from me.”

  “But how could she stay?” Caroline’s tone was gentle with sympathy. “She must have felt humiliated in your eyes.”

  “That’s crazy! Sex is one thing—love, feelings—that’s something else.”

  “Not for Dane,” Caroline said.

  “So now what am I supposed to do?” Kyle slumped back, utterly drained. “How do I reach her now?”

  “I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to wait for Dane to realize that she’s still worth loving.”

  “When she’s well, tell her I was here.” Kyle got up, her face set. “Tell her I saw. Tell her I know. Tell her I know everything. And tell her that I want her—that I’m waiting for her. Will you do that?”

  “How long will you wait?”

  Kyle’s jaw tightened, and she blinked away tears. “I don’t know.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Kyle waited.

  Call me. Trust me. Give me a chance.

  She phoned the kennel daily to ask Caroline or Anne about Dane’s condition, but they had little to tell her, beyond the assurance that she was healing.

  Healing? What does that mean—that her body is mending, or that her heart has stopped bleeding?

  While she waited, she worked. Day after day, burning with anger and aching with despair, she barricaded herself in her shop from first light until well into the night. Nancy came to the shop sporadically, never questioning Kyle about her silence. If Kyle had been more aware of Nancy’s presence, she would have found her friend’s unusual desire for distance odd. As it was, she was grateful not to have to lie about the source of her unhappiness.

  When she managed to sleep, she dreamed of Dane. Fragmented images of joy and anguish—a relentless mélange of soaring hopes and shattered dreams. In her sleep, she wept. Awake, she raged.

  On the too-frequent nights when sleep eluded her altogether, she rode for miles on her Harley. Sometimes she parked on an overlook and stared at the black ocean until the sun came up. It was impossible not to remember her first glimpse of Dane, the first dance, the first kiss—the last.

  Still, the call did not come, and she stopped phoning for updates. It was up to Dane now. She watched the days on the calendar turn into a week, two weeks—three, and still no word from Dane. Eventually, even her work could not stand between her and her loneliness. She did not want to return to the clubs—she had no desire to be surrounded by women who could still touch, when she felt only abandoned and alone.

  *

  Reluctantly, not knowing what else to do, on a Friday afternoon a month after the fateful night at the club, she phoned the kennel again.

  “Hello?” Anne sounded both harried and desperately hopeful.

  “It’s Kyle.”

  “Oh.” Disappointment. “Hey.”

  “You okay?” Kyle gripped the receiver hard. Dane? Is she all right?

  “Not really.” Anne sighed. “Caroline and Dane have been at a friend’s cabin in the mountains since last week. It’s been raining non-stop up there, and some of the roads are washed out. There’s no phone in the cabin, the cell reception sucks, and I haven’t heard a word from them in two days. We’re due at a show tomor
row, but if I don’t hear something soon, I’ll have to cancel our entries. If they don’t make it back in time, I won’t be able to handle everything myself.”

  “Can I help?”

  “What do you know about handling dogs?”

  Kyle laughed. “Not a thing. But I suppose I could walk them around or something.”

  “Give me until tonight,” Anne replied. “If I haven’t heard from them, I’ll call you.”

  “Okay. Sure.” Kyle hesitated. “How’s Dane?”

  Anne was silent for a moment. “She’s healed on the outside, I guess. Who can tell with her what’s happening on the inside?”

  “Is she—hell...she’s not hurting herself still, is she?”

  “She’s not doing any drugs, if that’s what you mean. Or...the other.” Anne sighed. “I’ve never seen Dane like this before. She started back to work about a week after...it happened. She spends all her time with the dogs, and she hardly talks at all...not even to Caroline. Sometimes she stays at the kennel all night. Caroline was getting frantic, and she finally got Dane to agree to go to the mountains for a while. Now you know as much as I do.”

  “Thanks.” Kyle struggled to bury the feelings of helplessness, wishing for the anger, a much more welcome emotion, instead. “I’m sorry to put you on the spot.”

  “Kyle,” Anne’s voice was gentle, “if there’s any way you can be patient...”

  “I’m trying. It would help if she’d just talk to me.”

  “It’s not you, you know.”

  “Yeah. Well...” Kyle blew out a breath. “Let me know about tomorrow, huh?”

  “Will do. And thanks.”

  *

  Without looking up from the table leg she was carefully fitting with a new connecting dowel, Kyle grunted a greeting when Nancy entered the workshop later that day.

  “God, Kyle. How did you get so far ahead of me?” Nancy dropped her handbag onto the counter and surveyed with dismay the furniture piled everywhere, awaiting her appraisal. “There must be a dozen pieces here.”

  “Been busy.” Kyle glanced up absently, then dropped her hammer and gaped. Nancy was stylishly attired as usual, but the expensive clothes didn’t hide her worn appearance. She’d lost weight, her color was washed out despite the expertly applied make-up, and her eyes were hollow.

  “Jesus, Nance! You look awful. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” Nancy said, looking away uncomfortably. When she reached for her coveralls, Kyle detected a fine tremor in her hands.

  “Bullshit.” Kyle tossed her tools aside and stalked over to her. “What’s going on?”

  “I said it was nothing. You haven’t been looking so great yourself.”

  Kyle ignored the attempt to deflect her. “Look, I know I’ve been a bitch to be around. Come on, let’s go up to the house and talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk.” Nancy stared at Kyle angrily. “I came here to get some work done, all right?”

  “No, it’s not all right.” Kyle caught Nancy’s chin gently in her fingers and looked into her eyes. “Have you been seeing Brad?”

  Nancy jerked her head away. “Now and then.”

  “What is she giving you?” Kyle fought back nausea.

  “Oh, please. Are you forgetting that you’ve been known to try a few things now and then?”

  “Try, sure—who hasn’t?” Kyle shook her head. “But we’re not talking about the occasional recreational indulgence, are we? How often have you been seeing her?”

  “A few times a week. Look, I don’t want to discuss—”

  “Nancy,” Kyle kept her voice even with effort, “you have no idea what Brad is capable of.”

  “I’ll tell you what I know,” Nancy shot back. “That she’s a hell of a lot more interesting than any of the men I’ve met in the last few years. So what if I have a little fun—no one’s getting hurt. Roger hardly knows I’m gone. Besides, I still put out for him when the thought crosses his mind—which isn’t all that often.”

  Kyle blinked, stunned by Nancy’s vitriol and by her powers of denial. “Will you just listen to me for a minute? Brad doesn’t care about anyone—she uses people. If you let her control you, she’ll use you until she’s tired of you, and then she’ll toss you aside.”

  “You’re wrong, Kyle.” Nancy tossed her head in defiance. “I’m not your precious Dane. I’m not weak, and I’m not as easy as she was to beat!”

  If it had been anyone other than Nancy, Kyle would have struck her. She quivered with fury. “Whatever Brad told you about Dane, she was wrong. She doesn’t know her. She never has.”

  “You don’t know Br—”

  “Go home, Nance.” Some part of Kyle knew that she should try again to reach her old friend, but her anger prevailed. “Go home before we say things we’ll never be able to forgive.”

  Nancy left without another word.

  *

  Kyle dragged herself from the chair and groggily answered the phone.

  “Yes?”

  “Kyle? It’s Anne.”

  Kyle cleared her throat and glanced around the room. It was dark. She must have fallen asleep. “Yeah—hello. Sorry.”

  “Did you mean it when you offered to help at the show?”

  “Yes.” She grimaced. Dogs. What was I thinking? What do I know about dogs?

  “Can you come to the kennel in the morning—around six? I’ve decided to go to the show without them. We might as well try.”

  “Where is it? I’ll be there.”

  After Anne gave her directions and rang off, Kyle wandered around the still house. Whereas she had always been content to be alone in the world she had built with her own hands, now it seemed to echo with loneliness. Too weary to think, too saddened by her encounter with Nancy, she fell fully clothed onto her bed and closed her eyes.

  Mercifully she did not dream.

  *

  When Kyle reached the kennel at a few minutes before six, she found Anne loading large dog crates into the van with the help of another young woman. Both wore jeans, Daneland T-shirts, and backwards ball caps with dogs gracing them.

  “Hi.”

  “Morning,” Kyle replied as she grabbed one end of a crate and lifted.

  “Kyle, this is Sofia. She’s going to watch the shop while we’re gone.”

  Kyle nodded in greeting. “Any word from Caroline?”

  “No.” Anne was clearly worried. “It’s not like her to be out of touch for so long.” She forced a smile. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to your charges.”

  With the irrational hope that Dane would appear at any moment, Kyle followed Anne inside. Photos, many of Dane and Caroline, covered the walls in the hallway. Kyle’s heart lurched just from seeing Dane’s face in a picture, and although she wanted to linger and study each one, she looked away and hurried after Anne.

  “This is Troy, and that’s Arno, and this is Falon,” Anne said, indicating three monstrous-looking animals.

  “Do I shake hands?” Kyle wondered just what she had gotten herself into.

  “They’re really very well behaved.” Anne laughed. “Well, except Troy hates all other males, of any size, so you have to be firm with him. The other two won’t give you any trouble at all. Come on, I’ll tell you all you need to know while we drive.”

  It sounded simple enough as Anne outlined it. All Kyle had to do was get the correct dog to the correct ring at the correct time so that Anne could show it. Then Kyle would take the one that had finished showing back to the van. But when she saw the morass of people and dogs milling about the show grounds, she felt her confidence disappear.

  “Uh—I don’t know about this.”

  “It’ll be fine.” Anne maneuvered the van into a relatively shady corner, rummaged around between the seats, and came up with a show schedule that she handed to Kyle. “I’ve outlined exactly where you have to be and when. Don’t worry. The dogs are pros—they’ll know what to do.”

  “Right.” Kyle was far from convinced despite Anne’
s reassuring tone. Nevertheless, she was soon seduced by the excitement of the show. The first time she led Troy over to the show ring, she felt as proud as if he were her own.

  “Okay, Troy old boy—go get ’em!”

  She watched Anne intently and thought Troy looked splendid. She couldn’t believe it when the judge, who had spent several minutes carefully comparing Troy with another dog, chose Troy’s competitor for first place.

  “What the hell is wrong with that guy?” Kyle growled in a low voice when Anne returned with the dog.

  “Oh, him?” Anne laughed at Kyle’s outrage. “I knew that would happen. He likes them long in the back and Troy’s not.” She thumped the dog’s muscular shoulder. “Troy happens to be a perfect standard, but judges aren’t always objective. But we know we won, don’t we, boy?”

  Still grumbling to herself, Kyle exchanged Troy for Falon, led Troy back to his crate, and made it back to ringside in time to see the final cuts. This time she was not disappointed.

  Anne was jubilant when she returned with the first-place cup. “God, will Dane be happy. These are Falon’s first points, and it’s only her second show!” She stopped when she saw Kyle’s face. “I’m sorry, Kyle. I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing. We have a few minutes. Let’s take a break.”

  After settling the winner away, the two women sprawled in the shade near the van.

  “So,” Anne asked between gulps of water, “how have you been?”

  “Pretty lousy.” Kyle shrugged. “I keep hoping Dane will call, but I guess that’s stupid.” Her voice betrayed her bitterness.

  “It’s not stupid.” Anne touched Kyle’s knee briefly in sympathy. “I know it doesn’t help, but I think if she were going to call anyone, it would be you.”